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Thread: I want my ex back even though he doesn't want to talk to me

  1. #1

    I want my ex back even though he doesn't want to talk to me

    I (23, female) dated a guy (32) online for almost a year. We had our ups and downs like every other relationship. I assume the relationship being online made the issues we had feel or seem much worse than usual and I do not think we would've had those problems in real life (mainly jealousy, intimacy and distance). Anyway, fights would get worse months into the relationship, to the point where he wanted to end things. I did not want to end things, because i strongly believed in the relationship, especially since I've never felt so strong about someone before (even if it was "just online").

    He used to be jealous at first, and kind of "possessive" I would say and later on I started to get jealous, so it feels like we kind of switched our roles after a while. Even though he would text me and call me all the time, I was jealous and I don't know why.. I assume I was just scared of losing him, didn't feel like I was good enough, etc. About the intimacy situation, I was never really a fan of sending nudes, because I'm not happy with how I look and because guys in my past I got close to only wanted to have sex and nothing serious (yes, it is unfair to let that control my current situation, I know). Especially with him, I wanted it to be serious and more than just that. At first, I kind of felt "pressured" into it, because he is a really horny person, but later on I felt comfortable myself and started slowly doing on my own. Distance would of course make things a lot worse. It was hard finding a time to meet up, because he works full-time and I was busy with university. Whenever I was free and could visit him, we were going through arguments so I honestly felt uncomfortable meeting on bad terms. He was also expecting me to be the one who visits him. I agreed with it making more sense if i visited him, but he was stuck up on the idea of only me flying to him and there was no other possibility until later on where he started to take him flying to me as a possibility too. I was also scared of him "expecting" sexual things of me that I might not feel ready to do (because of the fights about the intimacy). Yeah, now he sounds pretty , but I did wrong things too. Since I did not feel comfortable enough to meet up and I travel generally a lot with my friends, I would use that free-time I had to travel with my friends - and that happened twice. He was really hurt at me prioritizing my friends over him, which I completely understand. So overall, happened.

    Of course, in the moment everything feels so much worse, but if I look back I feel like i had nothing to be afraid of. I got jealous over stupid stuff when he used to change things for me a lot and I just expected more of him when he already gave me so much. He loved me and my body and there was nothing wrong with that. I regret not just flying to him much earlier even if things were going bad, because I'm 100% sure that a lot of things could've been avoided later on If i had done that. He genuinely loved me and showed me that so much and I was too stupid.

    So therefore I tried to work on the problems we had, because there were primarily on me. So after the "breakup", he would really cold and distanced. But I didn't give up and kept putting a lot of effort. It was a really hard time for me, especially since I still loved him the same after all the fights and he started to lose feelings for me. I was not happy. I wanted things to get better. I wanted to be happy with him again. He would be really cruel to me at some situations, block me, say horrible things and make me cry a lot. After almost two months of that, he would be less annoyed at me and talk to me a bit more again. But at the time, I think he had lost his feelings for me. He kept saying that he feels off and is just not feeling it and doesn't know why which broke my heart. But I tried to stay positive and kept putting effort and fighting for him. Eventually, we talked about meeting up to see how things work out in real life and how he feels. I basically knew that if things don't go well, it would be completely over. But it went wonderful. I loved every second we spent together, we both didn't expect it to go that well. He was lovely, caring and really cute. A lot different than online. I actually flew back with the mindset of planning the next meet up and saw that as a new start for us. But when I was home, he acted the same as before.. or even more distanced. He didn't feel much after it, and broke it off completely. It destroyed my world. I begged him for almost two weeks daily to give it another try, would google advice and try that, suggested to talk as friends and see how he feels in a few months. But nope. Nothing. He even blocked me for a few days and once he unblocked I tried again. He said he even feels worse about me now after this. I'm devastated. I'm broken. Almost three months of trying everything did nothing.

    I'm still in love with him even if I'm so heartbroken and sad and angry at him. I want him back. I asked him if he even wants me to stay in his life, and he said before he did but that I'm too unbearable now. I can't help how I feel. I never thought I'd feel this devastated. What can I do? Is there any possibility of it ever working out again? Will staying away from him do something for him? Is it impossible to get feelings back if you had them before? He said he would want me a little as a friend sometime, but not now. Is he just too drained right now that he feels that way currently? Will it eventually get better? Is it possible that if we hopefully talk someday again that he would want more again? What can I do to get him back?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you were not dating no less in a relationship with someone you never met in person. This could be a scammer, catfish, married person, someone just out of prison, etc. Block and delete this entity immediately.

    Get involved in real life locally. Join some clubs, groups, volunteer, make extra money working part-time somewhere fun, go back to college, take some classes or courses. Get out in real life and live a real life. Some short term therapy may help you understand how and why you went down a rabbit hole like this could help you break free from this type of self-imposed lonely prison behind your screen.

    Update your look, get healthy and get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start to message and meet local available real-life single men. Meet within a week or so or delete them.
    Originally Posted by kirbycake342
    I (23, female) dated a guy (32) online for almost a year. it was "just online"

  3. #3
    I did meet up with him for a week. I stayed at his place and it was lovely. Felt all real, felt like there's potential. That's why I'm not understanding it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so you did meet in person at least. It seems it's over so just enjoy local life more now. Sometimes things are like a vacations fling more than real life dating.
    Originally Posted by kirbycake342
    I did meet up with him for a week.

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  6. #5
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    This whole situation is terribly unhealthy for you, OP. You need to be asking yourself why you got so attached to a man who is virtually a stranger to you. Meeting once does not constitute a relationship, and the degree to which you are dependent on this and devastated about its demise suggests bigger issues within you.

    What is the reason you were willing to close yourself off to local men and real dating, in favour of what was primarily a cyber relationship? What are you avoiding in real life?

    To answer your questions, though - no, this is over. He was nowhere near as invested as you and seems to know that it wasn't a real relationship in any tangible sense of the word. He isn't interested in carrying on a virtual relationship anymore and you need to realize he is likely dating other women locally. This wasn't going to last.

    It's time for you to unplug, and do some serious inner work reflecting on why you chose this non-relationship to pour your heart and energy into. You risk the same thing happening again in the future if you don't get to the bottom of the heavier emotional stuff inside you.

  7. #6
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    HMMM I do wonder why he let you fly out to see him , spend time with you and end it anyway . .....It could be that he wasn't feeling it quite as much as you thought or he just let you come so he could finally have sex in the flesh as opposed to sending nudes etc and there is a chance I am sorry to say that he has someone else .

    Only he knows , but it was a pretty cruel move to let you go out to him. Your first red flag was him deciding it should be you doing the travelling ..why ? A relationship is a two way street .

    If people insist on online relationships , there has to be an end in sight ..for example , one of my exes was long distance ( not American long distance , the uk is a small place ) but we still had a plan ..we were both moving from our cities to start again once my daughter finished middle school . You cannot waste your life and your time dedicating all this effort and emotion to someone over a screen unless there is an end ....you didn't mentiom in your post any future plans of how this would work .

    You said yourself he was totally different in RL then online ...on this occasion it was a good different ..imagine if it were a bad different ...a year out of your life to find yourself face to face with someone whose breath smells like satans arse .

    You are free now .... free to meet a boy in real life , see him , touch him , *smell him * , make plans ..know after a few dates if he is right or not as opposed to waiting a year and flying out .

    You said you had the chance to fly out and you chose not to at first and you have insecurities , that makes me think you felt safe with an online relationship ...push your bounderies my darling ... don't waste your 20's feeling safe with an online fantasy ..live for now , live for today , live for all the joy that is coming your way .

    ps I didn't mean for the end bit to rhyme

  8. #7
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    He would be really cruel to me at some situations, block me, say horrible things and make me cry a lot.

    After almost two months of that, he would be less annoyed at me and talk to me a bit more again. But at the time, I think he had lost his feelings for me. He kept saying that he feels off and is just not feeling it and doesn't know why which broke my heart. But I tried to stay positive and kept putting effort and fighting for him.

    Eventually, we talked about meeting up to see how things work out in real life and how he feels. I basically knew that if things don't go well, it would be completely over. But it went wonderful. I loved every second we spent together, we both didn't expect it to go that well. He was lovely, caring and really cute. A lot different than online. I actually flew back with the mindset of planning the next meet up and saw that as a new start for us.

    But when I was home, he acted the same as before.. or even more distanced. He didn't feel much after it, and broke it off completely.
    So he goes from nice, to horrible, to nice when you went there, to horrible...

    That could be his usual behavior in a relationship - designed to keep you on tenterhooks, devalue and belittle and control you.

    Or it could be that you are one of a number of online relationships, where from time to time he gets a visit and some physical intimacy, and then he dumps them (probably after lining up some potential replacements). He doesn't even want to be your 'friend'. He probably thinks you will keep on begging, and then he can escalate his demands.

    You need to take back your power here. That means blocking this guy totally and ghosting him. You don't want him back, there are better men out there.

  9. #8
    I have to add that he paid for everything when i visited him. He paid for the flight, for the food, for the places we went to. Everything. So it makes no sense to me why someone would spend like 600 euros on me on a week just to dump me after. I didn't have sex with him. We did get intimate, but not sex. I didn't want to, because i knew i would get attached to him even more and I didn't want to risk that if I wasn't sure how he felt. He never had a girlfriend before, not in real life or online either. I was his first. So he never even had the kind of commitment. He says he doesn't want to commit and wants to be "free". I assume him not having any relationships before me and his parents divorcing has got him thinking that way about commitment, I'm not sure.

    It breaks my heart, because I did so much for him. I would've done everything for him. It makes me sad knowing that my absolute best was not even close to enough for someone, because he was so stuck up on the idea of not having feelings for me. I feel like he wasn't open to the opportunity of him having feelings for me anymore.

    Even when he broke it off completely, I suggested him that we could talk normal and see how he will feel in a few months That I'm willing to wait on him. I told him I wouldn't pressure him into commitment or anything until he is ready himself to do it. But he literally HATED that. Kept saying he doesn't want that. It makes no sense to me that he wouldn't want that because I'm not even asking for anything other than talking and seeing where this is going. But he didn't want that at all.

    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    you didn't mentiom in your post any future plans of how this would work .
    About that part. In the beginning of our relationship it was other way around. He was really into me, I was not as much into him as he was into me. After a while, 3 months I'd say, we both felt the same. Then when the arguments started after a while, and that's when I felt more than he felt for me. But anyway, I was gonna say that when he was much more into me, I had doubts because of the distance. I would mention that a lot with him and he said it isn't hard to work on that, so I trusted him about that. And I don't think it is. After being with him, I can imagine moving to him and finding a job there. Or I could imagine him moving here, because he mostly works from home, and when he works in the office he flies to a different city in his country. I think there would've been a way to make that work, too. That's why I said i feel like that there is a lot of potential after we met up. Because the meeting went good and moving became an possibility to me too.

  10. #9
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    He never had a girlfriend before, not in real life or online either.
    And, if that is true, then he still hasn't had one - you visited him once, and it wasn't a sexual relationship.

    How often does he fly to the office in the different city? Does he go just for the day, or does he stay for a few days/week?

    I still think you should cut him loose. And no hanging around waiting for him.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by RayRay63
    And, if that is true, then he still hasn't had one - you visited him once, and it wasn't a sexual relationship.

    How often does he fly to the office in the different city? Does he go just for the day, or does he stay for a few days/week?

    I still think you should cut him loose. And no hanging around waiting for him.
    I don't think you can say that it wasn't a relationship because it was online. You can develop a lot of feelings, especially in a year. We talked everyday from morning to night, called whenever we could and texted when we couldn't talk. Yes of course the physical and real life part is important, but we both still counted it as a serious relationship, just because how close we were emotionally and how we could imagine things in the future.

    He flies to the office every week for 3 days at least.

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