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Thread: I want my ex back even though he doesn't want to talk to me

  1. #41
    Originally Posted by maew
    I don't say this to be an a$$hole OP. I say this to call attention to the level of denial you seem to have and your addiction to living in fantasy vs. reality.
    I do not think you sound like an ass. It's important to me to see what people would say. That is why I came to the forums.

    Originally Posted by maew
    I sense a fear of intimacy and being hurt... the way you very casually mention that every man you have met just wants a FWB or physical relationship so you have gravitated towards this online relationship so you can avoid the physical altogether... that isn't the solution to your problem OP.

    The solution is to dig deep and figure out why you feel as though you are a victim of being taken advantage of. Why you feel fear at meeting someone in person that might want physical intimacy with you. Why, even after months of talking to this guy, you STILL avoided being physical with him even after spending a full week together.
    It is not that I'm scared of being physical intimate with someone. I was physical with him. I'm a virgin, so I didn't want to lose my virginity when I wasn't sure about how he felt about me. We did things, just not that. I wanted to sleep with him and he wanted to sleep with me too, but I knew if i did that I would've attached myself onto him even more when I wasn't sure how he actually felt. So I didn't want to risk that. I'm a person who couldn't separate love and sex from each other. To me, it belongs together and of course it's fine if people see that different. I'm more scared of only being "good enough" just for that use and nothing else while I can develop a lot of feelings for someone and I think even more if I get physical with them while that's the only thing they would want.

    Of course, I'm extremely sad about losing him. But I think I'm more sad about getting his hurt while I was good to him. I think im a person who cares and loves a lot and would do anything for someone. And if that isn't good enough, then I don't know what else I could do.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why can't you date local boys who you can date on a regular basis and at least get to know better than this guy who dumped you when you didn't have sex with him.

    Ask your parents if they will take you to a therapist so you can learn some healthy ways to date and relate to boys rather than having them pay for your vacation, then dump you when sex didn't happen.

    You are repeating the same things over and over that you want him, you want love etc. yet you are not doing things that facilitate any of that.
    Originally Posted by kirbycake342
    I'm a virgin, so I didn't want to lose my virginity when I wasn't sure about how he felt about me.

  3. #43
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    "Of course, I'm extremely sad about losing him. But I think I'm more sad about getting his hurt while I was good to him. I think im a person who cares and loves a lot and would do anything for someone. And if that isn't good enough, then I don't know what else I could do."

    No, it's not enough for a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship requires two people who click in a romantic way -who have chemistry, attraction, passion and also love and caring. One person being a person "who would do anything for someone" is irrelevant unless the someone is single, available and wants what you are offering in the context of a romantic relationship. For me, I wasn't looking for someone who in general cared and loved a lot and was a giving person -of course those are great qualities but it was just as important to me to feel inspired to give to that person -to be motivated to give and that's where the mutual "click" comes in. It's the glue that holds you together.

    Certainly I am a caring person whether or not I click with someone -I am kind to complete strangers, I've cared about complete strangers and co workers and acquaintances and neighbors I barely know. But if someone didn't want to be with me romantically I would never think "but I offered you all of my love and caring and would do anything for you -so how is that not good enough?" Rather, I'd assume the person wasn't generally available to date me or wasn't that into me (and typically I would have assumed the latter not the former).

  4. #44
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why can't you date local boys who you can date on a regular basis and at least get to know better than this guy who dumped you when you didn't have sex with him.

    Ask your parents if they will take you to a therapist so you can learn some healthy ways to date and relate to boys rather than having them pay for your vacation, then dump you when sex didn't happen.
    He might sound like an ass, but I doubt anyone would wait 11 months to meet someone to have sex if there is so many ways to get that. My parents didn't pay anything, neither did I. He paid everything.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You are repeating the same things over and over that you want him, you want love etc. yet you are not doing things that facilitate any of that.
    Who says I'm not doing anything? I'm not messaging him anymore. I'm trying to go out and do things to distract myself. That doesn't mean that it all goes away in just a few days. Everyone deals with it different, it might take longer for some people.

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  6. #45
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    "Of course, I'm extremely sad about losing him. But I think I'm more sad about getting his hurt while I was good to him. I think im a person who cares and loves a lot and would do anything for someone. And if that isn't good enough, then I don't know what else I could do."

    No, it's not enough for a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship requires two people who click in a romantic way -who have chemistry, attraction, passion and also love and caring. One person being a person "who would do anything for someone" is irrelevant unless the someone is single, available and wants what you are offering in the context of a romantic relationship. For me, I wasn't looking for someone who in general cared and loved a lot and was a giving person -of course those are great qualities but it was just as important to me to feel inspired to give to that person -to be motivated to give and that's where the mutual "click" comes in. It's the glue that holds you together.

    Certainly I am a caring person whether or not I click with someone -I am kind to complete strangers, I've cared about complete strangers and co workers and acquaintances and neighbors I barely know. But if someone didn't want to be with me romantically I would never think "but I offered you all of my love and caring and would do anything for you -so how is that not good enough?" Rather, I'd assume the person wasn't generally available to date me or wasn't that into me (and typically I would have assumed the latter not the former).
    I understand that. But I wasn't saying that I only gave him love and caring and expect that to be enough. There were a lot of things. Otherwise I don't think it would've lasted at all if the chemistry didn't work out. Yes, we didn't meet up until much later on and it wasn't a lot of time together either. But I still felt chemistry there.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by kirbycake342
    I understand that. But I wasn't saying that I only gave him love and caring and expect that to be enough. There were a lot of things. Otherwise I don't think it would've lasted at all if the chemistry didn't work out. Yes, we didn't meet up until much later on and it wasn't a lot of time together either. But I still felt chemistry there.
    Yes, you were writing that - obviously typed words can be misinterpreted but read what you wrote -I bet at least part of you believes that. You felt chemistry. He did not or not enough apparently. Again you're back to the one-sided theme. Many people can feel chemistry for a short time -easy peasy. It's whether it lasts through getting to know each other in person over a long period of time that is one of the tests of a healthful, long lasting relationship.

    I might be missing something but why do you think he waited 11 months to have sex? Were you two exclusive? How many dates did you have in person before getting sexual?

    Please do yourself a huge favor and do what it takes to move on. The faster you can do that the more you can have options to meet a good match. Believe me, I'm home with my child who is sick/not sick (but can't go to school because he was sick), my husband has a hacking, annoying cough and my outing is going to be to the fast food joint later for take out sandwiches -and, I'm happy and content. Because I held out for the good match, the real thing, even though I took the long way around and also didn't marry till I was 42. Yes I pined for those who weren't right for me. And tried to fit square pegs into round holes. And gave and gave to the wrong people. Move on so you might meet your good match earlier than I did - no regrets for me but if you do want a family (if) starting earlier is better.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He could be having sex with his local gf/wife or any number of people all the while and now. Yes he paid, but then ended things immediately after your visit. Why is that? You can argue and argue and argue but the fact remains that local is better particularly if you wish to get to know someone before sex.
    Originally Posted by kirbycake342
    I doubt anyone would wait 11 months to meet someone to have sex if there is so many ways to get that. He paid everything.

  9. #48
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He could be having sex with his local gf/wife or any number of people all the while and now. Yes he paid, but then ended things immediately after your visit. Why is that? You can argue and argue and argue but the fact remains that local is better particularly if you wish to get to know someone before sex.
    He was with me on call or texted me way too much to be able to have someone else. He did not have someone else, I'm 1000% sure. And yes, everyone agrees with real life being so much better than online.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He sounds so abusive it's unclear why you bothered, no less want him back. Cut your losses.
    Originally Posted by kirbycake342
    I was never really a fan of sending nudes, because I'm not happy with how I look. I kind of felt "pressured" into it
    He would be really cruel to me at some situations, block me, say horrible things and make me cry a lot.
    He said he even feels worse about me now after this. I'm devastated. I'm broken.
    he said before he did but that I'm too unbearable now.

  11. #50
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    What horrible things did he say? You mention a lot of problems you had. I really don't think most healthy, serious relationships have the kinds of problems you had here. Whatever you call it, this relationship is not worth saving. It's not what you thought it was and are still trying to make it out to be. It's normal if you have a rough time in life (and who doesn't!) to try to hold onto something that looks and smells like the kind of happiness you hope for even when it is all kinds of wrong for you. We've all gone down some rough roads led by our confused heart.

    Your job now is to not let it break you. And you totally can do it, even though it will be hard. Block him and don't look back. Find something else to focus on in your life for a while, to take up the time you used to spend pining about him or trying to communicate with him. If you don't have anything going on you may need to join somethng. Join a book club, take up painting, do cross-fit, whatever it is for you. Trying to get over someone by just getting over them never works. You have to come at it from a different angle, try and make your life without them better, little by little. Eventually, you will stop looking back because you will be too busy to do so.

    After enough time has passed and you don't feel like you are always missing him, you can take another stab at love. Online is a fine way to start, but limit your search to people who are nearby.

    You don't have a lot of relationship experience, so it makes sense that you wouldn't know this, but you lose a lot when it is primarily online. You met in person for a week, a week is short enough to be able to just act like everything is all nice and you get along well with someone. It's impossible to know if you will still like being with someone or feel like a couple over a longer period of in person time. If you spent another couple weeks past that initial week, you have no way of knowing if you would have still liked him by the end of it! The online stuff just defers these kinds of learnings about a relationship. Everything done online is through a filter, you are only communicating when either party wants to communicate. When you are in person a lot, things get thrown at you that can damage or strengthen the relationship, and its so important to be able to be around for that.

    For example, I slept over at my girlfriends house after a party and at 2am threw up in her bathroom making... uh... quite the mess. When she helped me deal with that and then took care of me while I was sick the next few days it strengthened us.

    The right guy will let you lose your virginity when you are comfortable with it and wont pester you for nudes. He won't pressure you or make you cry. He'll be looking for a serious in-person relationship just like you are. Wait for that kind of relationship. Don't fall for less than that.

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