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Thread: 8 years and a child.

  1. #1
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    8 years and a child.

    i have been reading a lot of peoples stories on here, and I've decided to post my own, and update as regular as possible. I'm obviously looking for advice, but its sort of a journal also.

    So i broke up with my ex this year in may. that's when i officially moved out. the defining moment was probably new years eve, but we'd been having problems for some time now, more significantly since i was unfaithful in December 2017.
    We was together for 8 years. We share a beautiful 4 year old daughter who is the spit of her.
    I'll post more about previous years if someone asks, but here is where i am at right now...

    i'm currently single, have my daughter every weekend and have done since the breakup. this is mainly due to the fact i work away from home a lot, so that is the arrangement we have fallen into. though i do take her sometimes on Wednesdays nights as my ex works late, and if im home i don't mind having her. Her mother then takes her off my maybe sunday afternoon to level it out and give me a break.
    my job is good, im holding my own standing on my own two feet. i struggle at times but my bills are paid and my daughter is happy.
    i dated for about 3 weeks when we broke up, but honestly wasn't ready to move into a relationship. and tbh im still not.
    my ex moved on very quickly. she met a guy about 2 month after the break up. Fell in love apparently. tbh i think she could have met anyone and the desire to not be alone makes it way easier for her to settle. but he's a good guy. i met him before he met my child, which wasn't until about 2 month ago so fair play to her for that.

    we have remained friends since the breakup. Now i will say i do love this girl a lot. i have no desire to just be friends and this is why im writing this post now. because its the final factor stopping me from moving on. don't get me wrong, im way better off than when we split. i begged and pleaded to no avail. fell into depression and every day was a struggle. i have a child with this girl so i cant completely split from her. and seeing her move on so quickly and all the hurdles that come with that just cut me each time.

    i find myself spending time with her sometimes. like if we are both off during the week i will go and see my child. sometimes its only that, sometimes i really want to see her. Ive been of the impression that the more i see her, the more she sees me changing. the closer we get until we are a family again. i will flirt with her casually. cracking jokes and stuff. she responds to this and smiles or says stop it in a laughing manor. this boosts me up. i like to see i can make her smile still. our conversations differ to that of when she calls about my daughter and her bf is present.

    ill just give you an insight into some of our conversations and days we spend together.

    Tuesday i was off. she knew because i have a car accident the day before, and she called to see if i was okay. told her i was working Monday night and was off tomorrow.
    Tuesdays comes and she calls in the am, wants to know if i can take her to town for some things. which i did. we have nice conversation and laugh often. we picked up some things for our daughter and i drops her back off and she says come see my Christmas tree. btw i know what shes doing her,e she hates to be alone. and Tuesdays has always been the day she will ring since the breakup. we talk on other days obviously and more so now that before. but she will make an excuse like my daughter was asking for me to facetime.
    anyways i go in the house. we set up some painting for my daughter, she was at swimming class and would be back soon. i got her nose with the paint, the usually stuff. just healthy banter but it obviously means a lot to me i can see her smile because shes been down a lot lately. anyway she got some on her jumper and undressed right infront of me. im fine with it, but shes done this a few times now. she had a sports bra on and i joked she had some on her bra too. she laughed and it went no further.
    she said something that day, we joked about our relationship, and i say a lot about how much better i am then her current partner, its all light hearted but i obviously mean it. i said something about her losing me and she said, something that's stuck and its one of the many reasons im writing this now...
    ive been debating since the beginning how to get this girl back, stay friends? tell her you don't want to be friends? be there for her? or back away completely blah blah.
    i wanted to stay friends, because i care for her and i saw it as an opportunity. and its not like we are just ex's... we co parent a child so its not that easy. i did do low contact a while ago for about 3 weeks. i told her why i was doing this, and she said ok if that's what you want. anyway she seemed to find more excuses to ring me around that time which was annoying. but again, i cant dismiss her calls, it could be about my child. i brushed her off on most of her personal attempts at conversation during that period.

    anyway, so what she said was...i haven't lost you though, because i still have you as a friend.
    hmmm. that stuck in my mind this past week.

    now im going to disclose something im not proud of but it was slap bang in my face.
    my daughter came to mine with her ipad. and she watched youtube as most kids do. well if she clicks on something she will shout daddy daddy its not working! the yusual bossy 4 year old talk. so i walked in and she had facebook messenger opened. with HIS AND HER chat log. i think it shows as a bubble on the side of the tablet, as well as other conversations but i hadn't noticed this. well the first message i seen made me sick. completely normal but i just don't want to see it!
    him: ok baby im just waiting on the bed, naked covered in rose petals.

    okay it hurt, i didn't want to see that but its all good, fair play lad crack on!
    but, of course i got the urge and kept reading..

    the way they talk to each other seems so unnatural! ive never seen so much over the top affection in my life. i know its a new relationship. but its crazy.
    youre my missing piece of my puzzle, call eachother baby about 3 times a text. now, it didn't hurt me at all, i kinda found it funny. i mean, of course she wouldn't give me another chance when shes getting messages like these.
    they are talking about marriage, and saying i cant wait to start a family with each other. in some peoples eyes they would think wow these two are really hitting it off. but are we serious here? this is over affections. im talking every message would be talks of this or comments that literally made me wanna bleach my eye balls.
    he said something to her that all he cares about is her and my daughter. now i like that, i know hes a good dude, he respects my child and me tbh. but he did say something about having family time. which annoyed me. are they a family?
    my ex said a while back that to an extent they are playing happy families. i get that its normal but its hard to hear. you aint a family! i know i sound bitter there, but maybe 2 month prior she was round as my house, and he was out on a bender somewhere. i found this out later. again, she comes to me when she isn't happy and i seem to let her. but this day she feel asleep on my sofa, i just acted like it was nothing. she woke up made a joke about not waking up to me for a long time, i basically told her i wasn't happy about it but i wasn't rude. the she got really weird and left.
    anyway, that day she said to me, come in her and play with us, are we not a family anymore?
    hence my annoyance at what she said to me about them playing happy family

    i wasn't proud of the way i treat her in our relationship. i feel like i fell asleep completely. like, ive gained persepective this year, and i know what i want in my life now. and its her. im well aware im probably not going to get her. but the main reason for our split was the betrayal. and it was down to my relationship with drugs. now, i wasn't an addict. i would take probably twice a year. but it always gave me sexual urges i couldn't control. i would literally do anything to sleep with someone. now obviously that was our downfall, the lies the cheating. after that it became so hard to turn things around. complacency took over also. i hurt her really bad numerous times.
    anyway, ive cut the drugs out my life, and ive worked on myself a lot this year. genuinely proud of what ive achieved. i think this makes it a little harder for her. because i know she sees it! but why would she come back to me, right?

    at the beginning of our relationship, she would keep me at arms length and it was a real challenge to get her. after a while i gave up and got with another girl. that changed things for her, and made her realise she had feelings for me. of course i kept in contact with her but i let her know that i am happy now. someone was treating me well, made me feel good. we had a good physical relationship also. so i just wanted to give it a try.

    anyway we split, i ended up going back to my current ex and we were together for 8 years after.
    she did say to me before, im only doing what you did! giving happiness a chance. i completely get it. and its obviously deeper than that now. they are in love.
    one thing that winds me up is he takes drugs!!
    and has been in the dog house a few times already. shes told him she doesn't want to be with someone who does this. then he is out again at the weekend. up till like 12am the next day. i obviously seen the message didn't i.
    now, he lost 2 family members this year, i completely get it and i would probably go nuts to! but hes quick to bring this up to her, and the conversation went from her being fuming with him, to her feeling so sorry for him and saying how much she loves him and hes broken and she wants to fix as many pieces as she can. again cheesy comments.

    ill say no more now.
    have a been a good boyfriend? no! but i was young and stupid and my first relationship went on for 8 years and i had a child. i was never ready, not an excuse though i should have left this girl, maybe before i burnt my bridges romantically.
    i also know that what i did regarding the messages is not ok! but curiosity got the better of me, and it was presented on a platter. of course i deleted the application that night.

    i welcome comments on this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, one of you (at least one) is going to have to be more adult about this and create better boundaries regarding your relationship and the way you both co-parent. Since you can't force her to do anything or control her, the most you can do is control your own behaviours and reactions and the way you navigate your relationship with your ex. There's no way out of this labyrinth going around and around in circles pining for a woman with very low self-esteem.

    I hope you realize she's enabling her new boyfriend's drug use and bad habits. It's none of your business what goes on in her romantic life but it's already appeared as a red flag to you. He's a drug user and goes on "benders", she "wants to fix as many pieces as she can" whenever he comes back with a boo boo.

    A part of you will always care for this person because you share a child together. That is healthy and normal but what doesn't come naturally to 99% of people is where to draw boundaries and lines in order to make sense of a shift and a change. In this case both of you are not in a relationship. She shouldn't be asking you for rides around town or changing her clothes in front of you. It's confusing and disrespectful to both you and herself. Why you're still attracted to her is anyone's guess. This person doesn't have her wits about her.

    Start thinking more for yourself and stop with the knee-jerk reactions to her. If she calls you, don't pick up right away all the time and you shouldn't be agreeing to any of her invitations to come over during the week. She's manipulating you and you know it. Stick to your schedule for co-parenting and don't muddy what's already in place. You know this. She knows this. Be more mature about how you handle your co-parenting responsibilities from now onwards.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    There is a space for journals if you wanted to start one.

    Just thought I would let you know.

    [Register to see the link]

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    Youíre totally right. Itís not news to me what is going on, but like I said I wanted this girl back. In fact, she knows this. And I think she likes the fact Iím always here, but itís just not working for me anymore. Im waiting around n the side lines and itís stopping me from moving on. We have a play to attend of my daughters on Monday. I think I am going to tell her Iím no interested in being friends with her anymore.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Be there for your child, be a good father and co-parent. Don't rehash relationship problems at your daughters event or use it an an excuse to argue with her. Communicate about appropriate co-parenting, and yes you need to be on cordial terms but you don't need to be friends. Only discuss your daughter, visitation etc.
    Originally Posted by lonewolf1991
    I wanted this girl back.We have a play to attend of my daughters on Monday. I think I am going to tell her Iím no interested in being friends with her anymore.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lonewolf1991
    Youíre totally right. Itís not news to me what is going on, but like I said I wanted this girl back. In fact, she knows this. And I think she likes the fact Iím always here, but itís just not working for me anymore. Im waiting around n the side lines and itís stopping me from moving on. We have a play to attend of my daughters on Monday. I think I am going to tell her Iím no interested in being friends with her anymore.
    Only you can do that. I hope you make the right decisions for yourself and your child. It has to come from you. She's not with it enough to know her left from right.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    You slept with someone else.
    She cant trust you with her heart ever again.
    Work on yourself. Build a new life, learn from your mistakes.


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