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Thread: Should I Keep Looking?

  1. #1

    Should I Keep Looking?

    Okay so, there is a bit to unpack here, but Iíll start front the beginning. I have always had trouble dating. Iím a very selective woman and I typically am the type to go out and ask the person rather than be courted. Im also very conservative with who I chose to kiss/have relations with. It took me till I was twenty to have sex for the first time with my now fiancť. A lot of my relationships have either ended in the fact that the boyfriend was abusive, a cheater or just someone that wasn't ambitious enough. I am currently in a relationship that has lasted two years with a guy who is now engaged to me. Before I started dating this guy I was dating someone that I really loved, had a lot in common with and just really connected to. However, he ended up cheating on me. I thought to myself that I needed to be smarter with who I chose since this wasnít the first time I had been burned. So, I picked my now fiancť the guy Iíve been with for two years. I chose him because of the fact that heís loyal, kind, considerate, very slow to anger etc. but at the same time I donít know if this is the right person. Iím a lot more ambitious than he is. I have a steady job, Iím a full time med student, Im constantly looking toward my career in becoming a neurologist, Iím constantly presenting research etc. He has weird jobs here and there, He is constantly looking at new cars to buy because he is never happy with his, he also can be very clingy in the fact that he needs reassurance because heís been cheated on as well where as I am more independent and like to brush off the fact a guy has cheated on me. Iím very young still being that Iím in my early twenties, and I know thereís always room for growth, but sometimes it does bother me that I havenít really ever met a man that connects with me on all levels AND isnít a toxic person. I see girls my age getting married, having babies, buying houses with their husbands and all I want is just a man that really connects with me and could someday be my husband and have children with me (which could be this guy.) Am I being too selective? Too harsh? Should I give my fiancť a chance to become something (since he doesnít come from money is grew up in poverty). I just donít know what to do, but I just donít wanna be alone because of how picky I am and how hard it is for me to connect romantically. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate hearing it.

  2. #2
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    "and all I want is just a man that really connects with me and could someday be my husband and have children with me "

    That's a tall order -keep that in mind, ok? That might change your perspective. When I was dating I was very ambitious and career oriented (and was very comfortable with being courted - my professional hat didn't transfer over to my romantic hat lol). I would not have dated a guy who didn't have similar professional goals and I only dated men who were well educated as I was - I was friends with men who didn't have those goals/qualities but not for a romantic partner to marry and have a family with. I didn't marry til 42 but we met -at work -in our late 20s. It was very important to both of us that we be compatible as far as ambition, work ethic, valuing higher education. In fact on our first lunch date in the mid 90s he asked me why I'd chosen the career we were both pursuing. He wanted to see if I was passionate about it (I was, still am!). I wouldn't have dated someone seriously who only had odd jobs unless it was very temporary nor would I have dated someone who thought of academic accomplishments and goals as "just a piece of paper". It sounds like you don't admire and respect this guy. I think that's essential. And if he's clingy as you say then that's not very "considerate" of you. Loyal, kind, considerate are important in the men you choose and a dog you might adopt but what's also important is that your romantic partner be someone you have that spark for, admire, respect and have compatible values and goals. For me it was worth the wait and yes it was really painful to watch the women I knew getting married far earlier and having babies. So hard. But I waited and we had our son when we were in our early 40s!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Short answer to your question: yes, keep looking.

    I don't quite see any evidence of you being "picky" from what you've written here. Maybe the opposite. After all, you presently appear to be engaged to a man you don't much respect, find compelling, believe in, or genuinely see an exciting future with. That is who you have "picked."

    It sounds like you didn't quite give yourself time to heal from those earlier "burns," and so you put a premium on "safety" over "compatibility." Zoom out a bit, and you could see that a bit as dealing with being cheated on by cheating yourselfóand, really, your finance, as I suspect he'd prefer to marry someone who thinks he's great as is rather than so-so.

    Wanting someone who isn't toxic and with whom you connect strongly is not, in my opinion, very picky. I'd call that a solid baseline, particularly if what you're looking for is a life partner. Sometimes our inner pendulums need to swing a bit wildly to find that baseline. Toxic can be consuming and sexy for a fiery stretch, just like safe can be soothing for a stretch. But it you want to go the distance compatibility really can't be beat, and without respect it's very hard to be compatible.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you living together? Is the marriage/wedding all set and planned? If not then you are dating and can call things off. He's not the last man on earth and not all men are toxic. If you don't love or respect him or think you're incompatible end it. It sounds like you do not respect him and somehow chose toxic men because the nice guys are "too clingy". Try to find a happy medium where you are happy to be with someone, respect and love them and they are not abusive creeps.
    Originally Posted by GrayQueen
    I am currently in a relationship that has lasted two years with a guy who is now engaged to me.
    I picked my now fiancť the guy Iíve been with for two years. I chose him because of the fact that heís loyal, kind, considerate, very slow to anger etc. but at the same time I donít know if this is the right person.
    He has weird jobs here and there, He is constantly looking at new cars to buy because he is never happy with his, he also can be very clingy
    Iím in my early twenties, and I know thereís always room for growth, but sometimes it does bother me that I havenít really ever met a man that connects with me on all levels AND isnít a toxic person.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Let me make some points:

    I havenít really ever met a man that connects with me on all levels AND isnít a toxic person.
    You need someone you love and someone who is a good catch for best results.

    Boyfriend one you loved.

    Boyfriend two was a god catch.

    He is constantly looking at new cars to buy because he is never happy with his,
    What's wrong with that? Maybe he's just into cars and driving different ones. Some people are. It's an interest of his.

    However, if he has trust issues (due to being cheated on), that's a mental illness that should be addressed in counseling. It's a sad thing to say, but mental problems can make a person a poor catch.

    Women usually like a man who makes as much or more than her. But I would suggest getting a man who is responsible and can hold a job for at least a couple years. There are more important things in love and marriage than money - such as love, peace, and somebody you can trust your kids with.

    No, I do not think you are being too selective (except maybe with the car thing - we should support our SO's interests, even when they are not our interests, which is often the case). It's better to be single than in a poor marriage/relationship.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
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    I think you should keep looking. Expecting, hoping, or waiting on someone to change and compromising your wants or needs in terms of what you're looking for in a partner is a surefire way to find yourself in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, especially down the line.

    It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you should stay with him because he has some good qualities, and when comparing him with men you've dated in the past, he's a breath of fresh air. Further to that, since marriage and a happily ever after are important goals for you, I think it might be difficult to accept that he's just not the right guy for you and to move on and find someone new. It's easy to become comfortable and complacent in some relationships because we don't want to delve back into the dating world and start anew, but to stay in a relationship because it's tolerable and comfortable and kinda, sorta suits our needs is an even bigger mistake, imo. And most of us have been there, done that - so not judging you, at all!

    Sure, maybe he's a good guy, and has some great qualities that you're looking for in a partner, but I don't think you should be questioning your partner and relationship this much; especially someone you're engaged to. You should be excited about your upcoming marriage!

    I understand where you're coming from, Grayqueen, because I almost stayed with someone for the same reasons! He was a good man, ambitious, and we always had a fun, positive time together (and I rarely ever meet anyone I'm interested in!), etc., but there were a few things that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I knew deep down that if we were to ever get married, I would be miserable! Part of me thought I was being too selective, picky...whatever you want to call it. But at the end of the day, staying with him and convincing myself that it was the right thing to do was like trying to fit a square peg in round hole and calling it a perfect fit. I still think of him from time to time, but I know walking away was the right move.

    Wishing you luck in whatever you decide to do.

  8. #7
    millly007, youíre so sweet, I appreciate your reply so much. I didnít see it as you being judgemental at all, but rather someone who knows what it is like to go through something like it. Iíve been thinking about what you had to say about being excited for the marriage and honestly, it doesnít excite me at all, in fact it scares me. Iím coming to some very hard truths with this situation and if I have to continue looking for someone more compatible then I am open to it. Even if itíll be tough Iíd rather find someone that I love for more than just the fact that he is nice. Thank you for your words!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by GrayQueen
    I just donít wanna be alone because of how picky I am and how hard it is for me to connect romantically.
    I think that says a lot right there.

    You are staying in this relationship out of fear.

    That's not what you want, is it?

  10. #9
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    Sorry, do you mind if I ask what culture you're from? It's not really relevant to your post but I'm just a bit surprised because in Australia where I live with Westerners it's not common at all to settle down or get married in your early 20's. People here only tend to get married in their 30's and 40's, or late 20's at best. So I guess in my mind I'm just thinking, what is your rush to get married? Your biological clock is not really ticking, you can still have kids until you're 40 (if you want them).

    I'm only saying that because it sounds a bit like you're settling for your fiance, but I don't think you need to panic and do that. Are you in love with him? If you don't love him then I think the answer straight out should be that he's wrong for you. Just because someone is nice and loyal doesn't mean they're your match. Many people are nice and loyal, but only a few would be husband material (for you). There are probably other guys out there who are good guys and wouldn't cheat on you.

    I'm 35 and one thing I have definitely learnt from relationships is that it's true, people don't change. Maybe they do a little but their overall personality and core values doesn't really change. Does your fiance have any plans for his career in the future? Does he have interests in any work field at least? If not then I think you need to take the person as they are RIGHT NOW. I used to think my ex-partners would change and gave them two years, but things never changed. I kept in touch with one as friends and everything that was bad about this person is still bad seven years later.

    You do sound very ambitious and if you want a man equally as ambitious, your fiance is probably not it. At least at this point in time. And you can't predict the future so you really don't know if he'll be better or not. So depends how much time you're willing to spend on waiting for that person to become what you want. Keeping in mind that they may never become what you want.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    think your chief problem is immaturity. You are quite young, still in school, and dont really seem to know what you want beyond a man who is decent. You are engaged - why? You dont seem enthralled with this guy, perhaps he's better than nothing? I dont know. But you dont sound anywhere near ready for marriage. It doesnt matter if your friends are married, have kids, are buying houses, you are busy with school, dont be in such a hurry to get married and do all the things that come with that. Take your time, finish schoo, get your career stable, then things will probably fall into place because you will be older.

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