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Should I Keep Looking?


GrayQueen

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Okay so, there is a bit to unpack here, but I’ll start front the beginning. I have always had trouble dating. I’m a very selective woman and I typically am the type to go out and ask the person rather than be courted. Im also very conservative with who I chose to kiss/have relations with. It took me till I was twenty to have sex for the first time with my now fiancé. A lot of my relationships have either ended in the fact that the boyfriend was abusive, a cheater or just someone that wasn't ambitious enough. I am currently in a relationship that has lasted two years with a guy who is now engaged to me. Before I started dating this guy I was dating someone that I really loved, had a lot in common with and just really connected to. However, he ended up cheating on me. I thought to myself that I needed to be smarter with who I chose since this wasn’t the first time I had been burned. So, I picked my now fiancé the guy I’ve been with for two years. I chose him because of the fact that he’s loyal, kind, considerate, very slow to anger etc. but at the same time I don’t know if this is the right person. I’m a lot more ambitious than he is. I have a steady job, I’m a full time med student, Im constantly looking toward my career in becoming a neurologist, I’m constantly presenting research etc. He has weird jobs here and there, He is constantly looking at new cars to buy because he is never happy with his, he also can be very clingy in the fact that he needs reassurance because he’s been cheated on as well where as I am more independent and like to brush off the fact a guy has cheated on me. I’m very young still being that I’m in my early twenties, and I know there’s always room for growth, but sometimes it does bother me that I haven’t really ever met a man that connects with me on all levels AND isn’t a toxic person. I see girls my age getting married, having babies, buying houses with their husbands and all I want is just a man that really connects with me and could someday be my husband and have children with me (which could be this guy.) Am I being too selective? Too harsh? Should I give my fiancé a chance to become something (since he doesn’t come from money is grew up in poverty). I just don’t know what to do, but I just don’t wanna be alone because of how picky I am and how hard it is for me to connect romantically. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate hearing it.

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"and all I want is just a man that really connects with me and could someday be my husband and have children with me "

 

That's a tall order -keep that in mind, ok? That might change your perspective. When I was dating I was very ambitious and career oriented (and was very comfortable with being courted - my professional hat didn't transfer over to my romantic hat lol). I would not have dated a guy who didn't have similar professional goals and I only dated men who were well educated as I was - I was friends with men who didn't have those goals/qualities but not for a romantic partner to marry and have a family with. I didn't marry til 42 but we met -at work -in our late 20s. It was very important to both of us that we be compatible as far as ambition, work ethic, valuing higher education. In fact on our first lunch date in the mid 90s he asked me why I'd chosen the career we were both pursuing. He wanted to see if I was passionate about it (I was, still am!). I wouldn't have dated someone seriously who only had odd jobs unless it was very temporary nor would I have dated someone who thought of academic accomplishments and goals as "just a piece of paper". It sounds like you don't admire and respect this guy. I think that's essential. And if he's clingy as you say then that's not very "considerate" of you. Loyal, kind, considerate are important in the men you choose and a dog you might adopt but what's also important is that your romantic partner be someone you have that spark for, admire, respect and have compatible values and goals. For me it was worth the wait and yes it was really painful to watch the women I knew getting married far earlier and having babies. So hard. But I waited and we had our son when we were in our early 40s!

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Short answer to your question: yes, keep looking.

 

I don't quite see any evidence of you being "picky" from what you've written here. Maybe the opposite. After all, you presently appear to be engaged to a man you don't much respect, find compelling, believe in, or genuinely see an exciting future with. That is who you have "picked."

 

It sounds like you didn't quite give yourself time to heal from those earlier "burns," and so you put a premium on "safety" over "compatibility." Zoom out a bit, and you could see that a bit as dealing with being cheated on by cheating yourself—and, really, your finance, as I suspect he'd prefer to marry someone who thinks he's great as is rather than so-so.

 

Wanting someone who isn't toxic and with whom you connect strongly is not, in my opinion, very picky. I'd call that a solid baseline, particularly if what you're looking for is a life partner. Sometimes our inner pendulums need to swing a bit wildly to find that baseline. Toxic can be consuming and sexy for a fiery stretch, just like safe can be soothing for a stretch. But it you want to go the distance compatibility really can't be beat, and without respect it's very hard to be compatible.

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Are you living together? Is the marriage/wedding all set and planned? If not then you are dating and can call things off. He's not the last man on earth and not all men are toxic. If you don't love or respect him or think you're incompatible end it. It sounds like you do not respect him and somehow chose toxic men because the nice guys are "too clingy". Try to find a happy medium where you are happy to be with someone, respect and love them and they are not abusive creeps.

I am currently in a relationship that has lasted two years with a guy who is now engaged to me.

I picked my now fiancé the guy I’ve been with for two years. I chose him because of the fact that he’s loyal, kind, considerate, very slow to anger etc. but at the same time I don’t know if this is the right person.

He has weird jobs here and there, He is constantly looking at new cars to buy because he is never happy with his, he also can be very clingy

I’m in my early twenties, and I know there’s always room for growth, but sometimes it does bother me that I haven’t really ever met a man that connects with me on all levels AND isn’t a toxic person.

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Let me make some points:

 

I haven’t really ever met a man that connects with me on all levels AND isn’t a toxic person.

 

You need someone you love and someone who is a good catch for best results.

 

Boyfriend one you loved.

 

Boyfriend two was a god catch.

 

He is constantly looking at new cars to buy because he is never happy with his,

 

What's wrong with that? Maybe he's just into cars and driving different ones. Some people are. It's an interest of his.

 

However, if he has trust issues (due to being cheated on), that's a mental illness that should be addressed in counseling. It's a sad thing to say, but mental problems can make a person a poor catch.

 

Women usually like a man who makes as much or more than her. But I would suggest getting a man who is responsible and can hold a job for at least a couple years. There are more important things in love and marriage than money - such as love, peace, and somebody you can trust your kids with.

 

No, I do not think you are being too selective (except maybe with the car thing - we should support our SO's interests, even when they are not our interests, which is often the case). It's better to be single than in a poor marriage/relationship.

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I think you should keep looking. Expecting, hoping, or waiting on someone to change and compromising your wants or needs in terms of what you're looking for in a partner is a surefire way to find yourself in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship, especially down the line.

 

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you should stay with him because he has some good qualities, and when comparing him with men you've dated in the past, he's a breath of fresh air. Further to that, since marriage and a happily ever after are important goals for you, I think it might be difficult to accept that he's just not the right guy for you and to move on and find someone new. It's easy to become comfortable and complacent in some relationships because we don't want to delve back into the dating world and start anew, but to stay in a relationship because it's tolerable and comfortable and kinda, sorta suits our needs is an even bigger mistake, imo. And most of us have been there, done that - so not judging you, at all!

 

Sure, maybe he's a good guy, and has some great qualities that you're looking for in a partner, but I don't think you should be questioning your partner and relationship this much; especially someone you're engaged to. You should be excited about your upcoming marriage!

 

I understand where you're coming from, Grayqueen, because I almost stayed with someone for the same reasons! He was a good man, ambitious, and we always had a fun, positive time together (and I rarely ever meet anyone I'm interested in!), etc., but there were a few things that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I knew deep down that if we were to ever get married, I would be miserable! Part of me thought I was being too selective, picky...whatever you want to call it. But at the end of the day, staying with him and convincing myself that it was the right thing to do was like trying to fit a square peg in round hole and calling it a perfect fit. I still think of him from time to time, but I know walking away was the right move.

 

Wishing you luck in whatever you decide to do.

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millly007, you’re so sweet, I appreciate your reply so much. I didn’t see it as you being judgemental at all, but rather someone who knows what it is like to go through something like it. I’ve been thinking about what you had to say about being excited for the marriage and honestly, it doesn’t excite me at all, in fact it scares me. I’m coming to some very hard truths with this situation and if I have to continue looking for someone more compatible then I am open to it. Even if it’ll be tough I’d rather find someone that I love for more than just the fact that he is nice. Thank you for your words!

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Sorry, do you mind if I ask what culture you're from? It's not really relevant to your post but I'm just a bit surprised because in Australia where I live with Westerners it's not common at all to settle down or get married in your early 20's. People here only tend to get married in their 30's and 40's, or late 20's at best. So I guess in my mind I'm just thinking, what is your rush to get married? Your biological clock is not really ticking, you can still have kids until you're 40 (if you want them).

 

I'm only saying that because it sounds a bit like you're settling for your fiance, but I don't think you need to panic and do that. Are you in love with him? If you don't love him then I think the answer straight out should be that he's wrong for you. Just because someone is nice and loyal doesn't mean they're your match. Many people are nice and loyal, but only a few would be husband material (for you). There are probably other guys out there who are good guys and wouldn't cheat on you.

 

I'm 35 and one thing I have definitely learnt from relationships is that it's true, people don't change. Maybe they do a little but their overall personality and core values doesn't really change. Does your fiance have any plans for his career in the future? Does he have interests in any work field at least? If not then I think you need to take the person as they are RIGHT NOW. I used to think my ex-partners would change and gave them two years, but things never changed. I kept in touch with one as friends and everything that was bad about this person is still bad seven years later.

 

You do sound very ambitious and if you want a man equally as ambitious, your fiance is probably not it. At least at this point in time. And you can't predict the future so you really don't know if he'll be better or not. So depends how much time you're willing to spend on waiting for that person to become what you want. Keeping in mind that they may never become what you want.

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think your chief problem is immaturity. You are quite young, still in school, and dont really seem to know what you want beyond a man who is decent. You are engaged - why? You dont seem enthralled with this guy, perhaps he's better than nothing? I dont know. But you dont sound anywhere near ready for marriage. It doesnt matter if your friends are married, have kids, are buying houses, you are busy with school, dont be in such a hurry to get married and do all the things that come with that. Take your time, finish schoo, get your career stable, then things will probably fall into place because you will be older.

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millly007, you’re so sweet, I appreciate your reply so much. I didn’t see it as you being judgemental at all, but rather someone who knows what it is like to go through something like it. I’ve been thinking about what you had to say about being excited for the marriage and honestly, it doesn’t excite me at all, in fact it scares me. I’m coming to some very hard truths with this situation and if I have to continue looking for someone more compatible then I am open to it. Even if it’ll be tough I’d rather find someone that I love for more than just the fact that he is nice. Thank you for your words!

 

I think it's essential to be reasonably sure and excited about getting married as most of your feelings -with of course some jitters as normal!

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I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself if I were you. You're in your early twenties. Give yourself room to grow. You likely have limited resources (time and money) even though you're busy and ambitious. It's a long road ahead. All of your grades and degrees on paper won't mean a thing if your mental health is suffering or you're depressed and confused about your purpose or your personal life. Being conservative won't help you and neither will being married if you do it for the wrong reasons.

 

Take one step at a time and learn to stand on your own two feet first. Don't depend on anyone to support you, your schooling, your emotional health during the ups and downs of your medical training and career. Try not to compare yourself against your peers and develop greater faith in your purpose and your calling. Most individuals will latch onto you because you're vulnerable and you'd be surprised how a good number of them won't do it consciously. If you don't know how to stand up for yourself or pull yourself together, you'll attract people who are just as insecure and not as put together. Like attracts like. Be that person you set out to be personally, professionally.

 

It takes awhile to do all that. Don't be surprised if it takes you another ten or twenty years. You'll eventually start feeling better about yourself and the company around you once you start developing a healthier self-image. Things will look up. Get stronger and just do you. Don't get distracted by everything all at once. One day at a time.

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You are the common denominator in choosing bad men.

 

Your current is another bad choice. You know that he is not suitable, but settling due to your fear of being alone. You should NEVER be with someone with the expectation that they will change.

 

Why not focus on your school and then look for someone who is a better match, as you will not be satisfied with this man for the long haul.

 

You are young, I don't get the big rush.

 

Lastly, you don't sound picky, as you continue to choose lousy partners. You need to start to look for some quality.

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"and all I want is just a man that really connects with me and could someday be my husband and have children with me "

 

That's a tall order -keep that in mind, ok? That might change your perspective. When I was dating I was very ambitious and career oriented (and was very comfortable with being courted - my professional hat didn't transfer over to my romantic hat lol). I would not have dated a guy who didn't have similar professional goals and I only dated men who were well educated as I was - I was friends with men who didn't have those goals/qualities but not for a romantic partner to marry and have a family with. I didn't marry til 42 but we met -at work -in our late 20s. It was very important to both of us that we be compatible as far as ambition, work ethic, valuing higher education. In fact on our first lunch date in the mid 90s he asked me why I'd chosen the career we were both pursuing. He wanted to see if I was passionate about it (I was, still am!). I wouldn't have dated someone seriously who only had odd jobs unless it was very temporary nor would I have dated someone who thought of academic accomplishments and goals as "just a piece of paper". It sounds like you don't admire and respect this guy. I think that's essential. And if he's clingy as you say then that's not very "considerate" of you. Loyal, kind, considerate are important in the men you choose and a dog you might adopt but what's also important is that your romantic partner be someone you have that spark for, admire, respect and have compatible values and goals. For me it was worth the wait and yes it was really painful to watch the women I knew getting married far earlier and having babies. So hard. But I waited and we had our son when we were in our early 40s!

 

Spot on!!!!!!

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Well, I'm not you, GrayQueen. If I were on my way to becoming a neurologist, I settle for an insecure, clingy man. You can do so much better and you have the advantage of attracting the best of the best men. Why stoop down beneath your level?

 

You are more ambitious than he is which means you will end up taking care of him financially. You are the one who has to work like a dog in order to support a family someday since you will be the major breadwinner. Babies, mortgages and the like will fall all on YOU. I could read the writing on the wall on this one. You need a harsh reality check.

 

Since you will continue to climb socioeconomically, you'll meet men doing the same usually in the medical field or very successful businessmen since you will run in the same upper class social circles. Since you are upwardly mobile, you will be happier and have an easier life when paired up with a man who is evenly yoked economically.

 

You really need to ask yourself if you want a life of struggle or an easier, smoother life where you are not the one carrying the economic load for the two of you plus an entire family and household someday. I think you're mismatched not to mention again, he's insecure and clingy. Why would you want to be with a leech? You'll be unhappy. Be with a secure man who has his act together and where money won't be a problem. Living paycheck to paycheck is not fun.

 

Be pragmatic for a happier, more sound, smooth life and relationship. Think about a financial security for life.

 

Yes, keep looking and only snatch up the best man!

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Let me put it to you this way, if you have to ask...he's not the one.

 

Oh I always hated generalizations like this - I know of several happy marriages where people "had to ask" at various points - because we're human, because doubts happen, what ifs happen - it's all about -for me -the type/reason/degree of doubt, how easily/fast it can be resolved, what the source is. And I know of the other type -the people who shouted from the rooftops about "the one!!" and "you just know!!!!" and it was a crash and burn situation or a "hmm in hindsight I was just swept up in the whole fantasy and wanting to be a mother so badly that I ignored_______" That was a close friend of mine and I remember being envious of her when she was engaged -I was still a teenager, she was a bit older, they got engaged and married in 8 months. 20 years and 4 kids later she told me "the truth" and as a result she became a single mom of teenagers in her 40s, having to go back to school and 15 years later is still struggling financially.

 

So I'd be mindful of relying too heavily on non-nuanced broad generalizations. My story can be spun as "fate" and "we just knew" but I prefer the honest version -there was a nice dosage of that, and also some doubts/concerns/fears/jitters/disappointments. A mish mash of it all. And most people have to deal with that and actually make a decision to commit with both head and heart. We all wish we could be swept up on the wings of love and passion and chemistry and others love the whole smug married thing - how easy it is to make that decision. I think the people who actually have to get down to the nitty gritty, face their fears and doubts end up stronger for it because they know their commitment is based on the whole package and solid. Mine is and hopefully will be "till death do us part".

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  • 3 weeks later...

I do think some introspection is required here. Entering and ending an engagement are big decisions.

 

Why did you accept the proposal? Be honest with yourself.

 

How do you see your life being with him?

 

Have you guys talk about this?

 

What are the expectations?

 

How will finances be handled?

 

What about children?

 

Do you guys agree on these major topics?

 

While you are becoming a neurologist, what will he be doing?

 

If he never grows into anything more than a good guy, without a lot a goals or ambition, is that going to be enough for you?

 

Speaking only for myself- it was rough watching my friends get married and all.... I was single, dating from guy to guy....

 

Don't let their timetable influence you. This is your life. You have to live with your choices & suffer the consequences of them. Not your friends.

 

And if you do want children, is this the father you want for them?

 

I can tell you, while my friends were getting married (some have lasted, some have not) I wanted to find a great guy but he was not there. Thank God, I somehow stayed strong and didn't marry any of the guys that were there. you know?

 

Maybe I was like your guy, I was just working, not really sure that it was going to be a career... I'm sure some people thought it was a dumb job or whatever. But I liked the hours and the people so I stuck with it and success followed.

 

but had some young doctor met me, way back when... he probably would have thought I didn't have much ambition etc in comparison to the determination he had at the same age and would not be interested.

 

Maybe marriage is too soon for you guys. He may hold you back, but you also might be holding him back...

 

Good luck! It's a lot to consider and pressure.

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