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Thread: Should I Keep Looking?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by GrayQueen
    millly007, youíre so sweet, I appreciate your reply so much. I didnít see it as you being judgemental at all, but rather someone who knows what it is like to go through something like it. Iíve been thinking about what you had to say about being excited for the marriage and honestly, it doesnít excite me at all, in fact it scares me. Iím coming to some very hard truths with this situation and if I have to continue looking for someone more compatible then I am open to it. Even if itíll be tough Iíd rather find someone that I love for more than just the fact that he is nice. Thank you for your words!
    I think it's essential to be reasonably sure and excited about getting married as most of your feelings -with of course some jitters as normal!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I wouldn't put so much pressure on myself if I were you. You're in your early twenties. Give yourself room to grow. You likely have limited resources (time and money) even though you're busy and ambitious. It's a long road ahead. All of your grades and degrees on paper won't mean a thing if your mental health is suffering or you're depressed and confused about your purpose or your personal life. Being conservative won't help you and neither will being married if you do it for the wrong reasons.

    Take one step at a time and learn to stand on your own two feet first. Don't depend on anyone to support you, your schooling, your emotional health during the ups and downs of your medical training and career. Try not to compare yourself against your peers and develop greater faith in your purpose and your calling. Most individuals will latch onto you because you're vulnerable and you'd be surprised how a good number of them won't do it consciously. If you don't know how to stand up for yourself or pull yourself together, you'll attract people who are just as insecure and not as put together. Like attracts like. Be that person you set out to be personally, professionally.

    It takes awhile to do all that. Don't be surprised if it takes you another ten or twenty years. You'll eventually start feeling better about yourself and the company around you once you start developing a healthier self-image. Things will look up. Get stronger and just do you. Don't get distracted by everything all at once. One day at a time.

  3. #13
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    Let me put it to you this way, if you have to ask...he's not the one.

  4. #14
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    You are the common denominator in choosing bad men.

    Your current is another bad choice. You know that he is not suitable, but settling due to your fear of being alone. You should NEVER be with someone with the expectation that they will change.

    Why not focus on your school and then look for someone who is a better match, as you will not be satisfied with this man for the long haul.

    You are young, I don't get the big rush.

    Lastly, you don't sound picky, as you continue to choose lousy partners. You need to start to look for some quality.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    "and all I want is just a man that really connects with me and could someday be my husband and have children with me "

    That's a tall order -keep that in mind, ok? That might change your perspective. When I was dating I was very ambitious and career oriented (and was very comfortable with being courted - my professional hat didn't transfer over to my romantic hat lol). I would not have dated a guy who didn't have similar professional goals and I only dated men who were well educated as I was - I was friends with men who didn't have those goals/qualities but not for a romantic partner to marry and have a family with. I didn't marry til 42 but we met -at work -in our late 20s. It was very important to both of us that we be compatible as far as ambition, work ethic, valuing higher education. In fact on our first lunch date in the mid 90s he asked me why I'd chosen the career we were both pursuing. He wanted to see if I was passionate about it (I was, still am!). I wouldn't have dated someone seriously who only had odd jobs unless it was very temporary nor would I have dated someone who thought of academic accomplishments and goals as "just a piece of paper". It sounds like you don't admire and respect this guy. I think that's essential. And if he's clingy as you say then that's not very "considerate" of you. Loyal, kind, considerate are important in the men you choose and a dog you might adopt but what's also important is that your romantic partner be someone you have that spark for, admire, respect and have compatible values and goals. For me it was worth the wait and yes it was really painful to watch the women I knew getting married far earlier and having babies. So hard. But I waited and we had our son when we were in our early 40s!
    Spot on!!!!!!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Well, I'm not you, GrayQueen. If I were on my way to becoming a neurologist, I settle for an insecure, clingy man. You can do so much better and you have the advantage of attracting the best of the best men. Why stoop down beneath your level?

    You are more ambitious than he is which means you will end up taking care of him financially. You are the one who has to work like a dog in order to support a family someday since you will be the major breadwinner. Babies, mortgages and the like will fall all on YOU. I could read the writing on the wall on this one. You need a harsh reality check.

    Since you will continue to climb socioeconomically, you'll meet men doing the same usually in the medical field or very successful businessmen since you will run in the same upper class social circles. Since you are upwardly mobile, you will be happier and have an easier life when paired up with a man who is evenly yoked economically.

    You really need to ask yourself if you want a life of struggle or an easier, smoother life where you are not the one carrying the economic load for the two of you plus an entire family and household someday. I think you're mismatched not to mention again, he's insecure and clingy. Why would you want to be with a leech? You'll be unhappy. Be with a secure man who has his act together and where money won't be a problem. Living paycheck to paycheck is not fun.

    Be pragmatic for a happier, more sound, smooth life and relationship. Think about a financial security for life.

    Yes, keep looking and only snatch up the best man!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Correction: I would NOT settle for an insecure, clingy man.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by thelonely
    Let me put it to you this way, if you have to ask...he's not the one.
    Oh I always hated generalizations like this - I know of several happy marriages where people "had to ask" at various points - because we're human, because doubts happen, what ifs happen - it's all about -for me -the type/reason/degree of doubt, how easily/fast it can be resolved, what the source is. And I know of the other type -the people who shouted from the rooftops about "the one!!" and "you just know!!!!" and it was a crash and burn situation or a "hmm in hindsight I was just swept up in the whole fantasy and wanting to be a mother so badly that I ignored_______" That was a close friend of mine and I remember being envious of her when she was engaged -I was still a teenager, she was a bit older, they got engaged and married in 8 months. 20 years and 4 kids later she told me "the truth" and as a result she became a single mom of teenagers in her 40s, having to go back to school and 15 years later is still struggling financially.

    So I'd be mindful of relying too heavily on non-nuanced broad generalizations. My story can be spun as "fate" and "we just knew" but I prefer the honest version -there was a nice dosage of that, and also some doubts/concerns/fears/jitters/disappointments. A mish mash of it all. And most people have to deal with that and actually make a decision to commit with both head and heart. We all wish we could be swept up on the wings of love and passion and chemistry and others love the whole smug married thing - how easy it is to make that decision. I think the people who actually have to get down to the nitty gritty, face their fears and doubts end up stronger for it because they know their commitment is based on the whole package and solid. Mine is and hopefully will be "till death do us part".

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I do think some introspection is required here. Entering and ending an engagement are big decisions.

    Why did you accept the proposal? Be honest with yourself.

    How do you see your life being with him?

    Have you guys talk about this?

    What are the expectations?

    How will finances be handled?

    What about children?

    Do you guys agree on these major topics?

    While you are becoming a neurologist, what will he be doing?

    If he never grows into anything more than a good guy, without a lot a goals or ambition, is that going to be enough for you?

    Speaking only for myself- it was rough watching my friends get married and all.... I was single, dating from guy to guy....

    Don't let their timetable influence you. This is your life. You have to live with your choices & suffer the consequences of them. Not your friends.

    And if you do want children, is this the father you want for them?

    I can tell you, while my friends were getting married (some have lasted, some have not) I wanted to find a great guy but he was not there. Thank God, I somehow stayed strong and didn't marry any of the guys that were there. you know?

    Maybe I was like your guy, I was just working, not really sure that it was going to be a career... I'm sure some people thought it was a dumb job or whatever. But I liked the hours and the people so I stuck with it and success followed.

    but had some young doctor met me, way back when... he probably would have thought I didn't have much ambition etc in comparison to the determination he had at the same age and would not be interested.

    Maybe marriage is too soon for you guys. He may hold you back, but you also might be holding him back...

    Good luck! It's a lot to consider and pressure.

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