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Thread: I think I Met My First Gaslighter.

  1. #1
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    I think I Met My First Gaslighter.

    So I decided to open my options before settling on committing to one person. I met a guy who I decided I wanted to get to know. We hung out for a few weeks, got to know each other. I decided I wanted to become intimate. The following day I mentioned that we should plan to hang out again. To see a context before going further with the situation..before we became intimate, after we would talk about making plans he'd flat out say things like "that sounds good, looking forward to seeing you again", "yeah, we definitely should." Instead, this time he implied that we'll see and make it seem like a maybe or who knows. I don't remember the exact words but it was a complete polar opposite of what he'd normally say. So, I simply said ok. I figured maybe he wasn't feeling things after we had became intimate, which is fine. Whatever. A few days later he saw me out and about. At first I had no idea he was even there because I was distracted and didn't hear him because I had my personal music up and zoned out in my own place. I apologized immediately afterward, stating I just didn't realize he was there and apologized for seeming if I was ignoring him. He accepted my apology and said not to worry. The following day he tells he hopes I'm well and that I seem distant but that's ok. I answered that I just got a lot of work stuff suddenly get piled on me and needed to focus on that. Asked him how he was and such. Next day, we chat a few minutes over text about how our day is going and things seem normal from what there is currently between us after we hash out the hiccup the previous day. I told him once work lets up we should plan something, he said he hopes to. The following day he asks out of the blue Is there a time that works for me to pick up some items I left with him when he was available. That he doesn't want to hold me up from getting my things, he knows I have lots to do and he doesn't want to make it awkward. I told him I wouldn't be able to today and asked what he meant by awkward and how. All he said was Ok and that he hopes my day goes well and to hit him up when it works for you. Told him alright, thanks and that just so you know nothing is awkward on my end and I apologize if I gave that impression. He left my message on read.


    I feel like I'm being manipulated a little in my feelings, making me feel like I did something wrong when I haven't. I apologized for the incident the other day and we settled it. Now I feel like maybe he's holding it against me by acting like this? Am I being crazy or seeing things that aren't there? I feel like it's the start of what could be a gaslighting relationship if it got that far. I don't deserve to be manipulated or be gaslighted and feeling some type of way. I'm too old for that noise and I'm not about game playing. There was also a previous incident I kind of shrugged off as what was probably him in a rush. About a week prior to to this incident we bumped into each other. I said good morning and all he said was good morning and just booked it, as if he wasn't interested in having any sort of conversation. Felt kind of cold. I thought perhaps he was just busy and didn't have time for small talk, but maybe there's more to it after all with his current behavior. I've never met a gaslighter before and I'm not really sure how to identify it, so if this is what it is I want to avoid it at all costs and ensure I'm just not being crazy.

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    ď I decided I wanted to become intimate Ē

    I not we??
    How did that intimacy come about? No discussion prior?
    Any discussion about dating exclusively?

    Was there any prior discussion about not becoming intimate? Or did you simply seduce him when YOU decided you wanted intimacy?? Assuming he did too?

    I donít think he is gaslighting you , I just think he lost interest.

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    That's not gaslighting.

    Gaslighting is when someone makes themselves the innocent one whilst you're 'crazy', 'paranoid' , 'defensive' , 'uptight' ,
    'overthinking way too much', 'aggressive' , 'overemotional' 'moody'...Where you're the one always doing 'this or that' and causing the problems.

    A couple of exes gaslit me constantly. This guy isn't doing the same thing.

    This guy just lost interest.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, "gaslighting" is a systematic process of crazy-making within the context of a long term relationship. What's going on here is a lot of poor communication and mixed signals from both sides. You have not defined anything and it's unclear if you're even dating, no less in a relationship. You need to be crystal clear and not confuse him with nebulous talk and indifferent vague attitudes. If he doesn't seem interested then stop hanging out.

    Is this the same guy?: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by TangoRed
    I decided I wanted to become intimate. The following day I mentioned that we should plan to hang out again. To see a context before going further with the situation..before we became intimate, after we would talk about making plans he'd flat out say things like "that sounds good, looking forward to seeing you again". I told him I wouldn't be able to today and asked what he meant by awkward and how. All he said was Ok and that he hopes my day goes well and to hit him up when it works for you. Told him alright, thanks and that just so you know nothing is awkward on my end and I apologize if I gave that impression. He left my message on read.

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    No this is a different person @Wiseman2 and I'm glad to get some clarification that it's just lost interest. I agree with what you're saying. Once or if a discussion continues or is opened up in such a way I will make my intentions clear and clear up any mixed signals. My issue is from the beginning I suppose I wasn't sure where he stood so I remained vague from the get go and that should not have been the case. I should have asked what exactly was going on and what his intentions were. I did tell him I actually liked him and it was why I was being reserved when he asked me why. Maybe I wasn't clear enough and because I was being vague, that's what made him lose interest because he wasn't looking for anything specific.

    @Billie, it was a mutual thing. I didn't mean the "I" as in I was the only one who decided. Just I decided I wanted to open myself up to being intimate. We both agreed we wanted to. We didn't talk about exclusivity or dating yet, just seeing where things would take us.

    @Honey, Good to know that it's not gaslighting and that it's just lose of interest.

    From square one I need to lay out what I'm looking for before ever seeing where things go with someone to eliminate any issues of mixed signals because it was laid out from the beginning. So that was my mistake in not doing that. It's good to see a different point of view on a situation than what I'm seeing on my end.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok make things very crystal clear next time you date. Stand up and respect yourself more. Take your time and observe. If you want to date exclusively before sex, then you need to both act and speak that way. Why wait around for everyone else to call the shots, set the pace and bring up talks, then accuse them of 'gaslighting'? You need to pace yourself, be clear in your actions and words and stop playing monkey-see-monkey-do games or trying to be coy..or whatever this is.
    Originally Posted by TangoRed
    if a discussion continues or is opened up in such a way I will make my intentions clear and clear up any mixed signals. My issue is from the beginning I suppose I wasn't sure where he stood so I remained vague

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    Will do @Wiseman, thankyou. I appreciate your perspective and your input.

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    ď@Billie, it was a mutual thing. I didn't mean the "I" as in I was the only one who decided. Just I decided I wanted to open myself up to being intimate. We both agreed we wanted to. We didn't talk about exclusivity or dating yet, just seeing where things would take us.Ē

    You definitely opened yourself up to intimacy but it doesnít sound like the chat was anything more than opening your legs. Sorry!!!!
    You decided to have sex with someone you were not dating , nevermind exclusively dating and then get disappointed that he didnít arrange a next meet? His enthusiasm prior was because he hadnít got laid yet. His lack of enthusiasm after was because he doesnít have to make ďeffortĒanymore.

    Iím not trying to be mean and Iím all for women having casual sex the same as guys.
    But when I see a post like yours , it makes me sad actually.
    Because you want much more than that but going the wrong way about it and with the wrong guys.
    Then you blame the guy. Claim he is gaslighting when all he did was have casual consensual sex with a girl who was equally ok with it.

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    This is not gaslighting it is mutual loss of interest. Truth be told you donít sound interested either why should he ?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ď@Billie, it was a mutual thing. I didn't mean the "I" as in I was the only one who decided. Just I decided I wanted to open myself up to being intimate. We both agreed we wanted to. We didn't talk about exclusivity or dating yet, just seeing where things would take us.Ē

    You definitely opened yourself up to intimacy but it doesnít sound like the chat was anything more than opening your legs. Sorry!!!!
    You decided to have sex with someone you were not dating , nevermind exclusively dating and then get disappointed that he didnít arrange a next meet? His enthusiasm prior was because he hadnít got laid yet. His lack of enthusiasm after was because he doesnít have to make ďeffortĒanymore.

    Iím not trying to be mean and Iím all for women having casual sex the same as guys.
    But when I see a post like yours , it makes me sad actually.
    Because you want much more than that but going the wrong way about it and with the wrong guys.
    Then you blame the guy. Claim he is gaslighting when all he did was have casual consensual sex with a girl who was equally ok with it.
    Yes I agree. I think casual sex is fine between two single adults who both want it of course. And I see too many posts by women somehow blaming the guy just because he decided he didn't want another date or to meet up for sex again. It's unfair IMO.

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