Jump to content

I think I Met My First Gaslighter.


TangoRed

Recommended Posts

So I decided to open my options before settling on committing to one person. I met a guy who I decided I wanted to get to know. We hung out for a few weeks, got to know each other. I decided I wanted to become intimate. The following day I mentioned that we should plan to hang out again. To see a context before going further with the situation..before we became intimate, after we would talk about making plans he'd flat out say things like "that sounds good, looking forward to seeing you again", "yeah, we definitely should." Instead, this time he implied that we'll see and make it seem like a maybe or who knows. I don't remember the exact words but it was a complete polar opposite of what he'd normally say. So, I simply said ok. I figured maybe he wasn't feeling things after we had became intimate, which is fine. Whatever. A few days later he saw me out and about. At first I had no idea he was even there because I was distracted and didn't hear him because I had my personal music up and zoned out in my own place. I apologized immediately afterward, stating I just didn't realize he was there and apologized for seeming if I was ignoring him. He accepted my apology and said not to worry. The following day he tells he hopes I'm well and that I seem distant but that's ok. I answered that I just got a lot of work stuff suddenly get piled on me and needed to focus on that. Asked him how he was and such. Next day, we chat a few minutes over text about how our day is going and things seem normal from what there is currently between us after we hash out the hiccup the previous day. I told him once work lets up we should plan something, he said he hopes to. The following day he asks out of the blue Is there a time that works for me to pick up some items I left with him when he was available. That he doesn't want to hold me up from getting my things, he knows I have lots to do and he doesn't want to make it awkward. I told him I wouldn't be able to today and asked what he meant by awkward and how. All he said was Ok and that he hopes my day goes well and to hit him up when it works for you. Told him alright, thanks and that just so you know nothing is awkward on my end and I apologize if I gave that impression. He left my message on read.

 

 

I feel like I'm being manipulated a little in my feelings, making me feel like I did something wrong when I haven't. I apologized for the incident the other day and we settled it. Now I feel like maybe he's holding it against me by acting like this? Am I being crazy or seeing things that aren't there? I feel like it's the start of what could be a gaslighting relationship if it got that far. I don't deserve to be manipulated or be gaslighted and feeling some type of way. I'm too old for that noise and I'm not about game playing. There was also a previous incident I kind of shrugged off as what was probably him in a rush. About a week prior to to this incident we bumped into each other. I said good morning and all he said was good morning and just booked it, as if he wasn't interested in having any sort of conversation. Felt kind of cold. I thought perhaps he was just busy and didn't have time for small talk, but maybe there's more to it after all with his current behavior. I've never met a gaslighter before and I'm not really sure how to identify it, so if this is what it is I want to avoid it at all costs and ensure I'm just not being crazy.

Link to comment

“ I decided I wanted to become intimate ”

 

I not we??

How did that intimacy come about? No discussion prior?

Any discussion about dating exclusively?

 

Was there any prior discussion about not becoming intimate? Or did you simply seduce him when YOU decided you wanted intimacy?? Assuming he did too?

 

I don’t think he is gaslighting you , I just think he lost interest.

Link to comment

That's not gaslighting.

 

Gaslighting is when someone makes themselves the innocent one whilst you're 'crazy', 'paranoid' , 'defensive' , 'uptight' ,

'overthinking way too much', 'aggressive' , 'overemotional' 'moody'...Where you're the one always doing 'this or that' and causing the problems.

 

A couple of exes gaslit me constantly. This guy isn't doing the same thing.

 

This guy just lost interest.

Link to comment

Ok, "gaslighting" is a systematic process of crazy-making within the context of a long term relationship. What's going on here is a lot of poor communication and mixed signals from both sides. You have not defined anything and it's unclear if you're even dating, no less in a relationship. You need to be crystal clear and not confuse him with nebulous talk and indifferent vague attitudes. If he doesn't seem interested then stop hanging out.

 

Is this the same guy?: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562447&p=7176842&viewfull=1#post7176842

I decided I wanted to become intimate. The following day I mentioned that we should plan to hang out again. To see a context before going further with the situation..before we became intimate, after we would talk about making plans he'd flat out say things like "that sounds good, looking forward to seeing you again". I told him I wouldn't be able to today and asked what he meant by awkward and how. All he said was Ok and that he hopes my day goes well and to hit him up when it works for you. Told him alright, thanks and that just so you know nothing is awkward on my end and I apologize if I gave that impression. He left my message on read.
Link to comment

No this is a different person @Wiseman2 and I'm glad to get some clarification that it's just lost interest. I agree with what you're saying. Once or if a discussion continues or is opened up in such a way I will make my intentions clear and clear up any mixed signals. My issue is from the beginning I suppose I wasn't sure where he stood so I remained vague from the get go and that should not have been the case. I should have asked what exactly was going on and what his intentions were. I did tell him I actually liked him and it was why I was being reserved when he asked me why. Maybe I wasn't clear enough and because I was being vague, that's what made him lose interest because he wasn't looking for anything specific.

 

@Billie, it was a mutual thing. I didn't mean the "I" as in I was the only one who decided. Just I decided I wanted to open myself up to being intimate. We both agreed we wanted to. We didn't talk about exclusivity or dating yet, just seeing where things would take us.

 

@Honey, Good to know that it's not gaslighting and that it's just lose of interest.

 

From square one I need to lay out what I'm looking for before ever seeing where things go with someone to eliminate any issues of mixed signals because it was laid out from the beginning. So that was my mistake in not doing that. It's good to see a different point of view on a situation than what I'm seeing on my end.

Link to comment

Ok make things very crystal clear next time you date. Stand up and respect yourself more. Take your time and observe. If you want to date exclusively before sex, then you need to both act and speak that way. Why wait around for everyone else to call the shots, set the pace and bring up talks, then accuse them of 'gaslighting'? You need to pace yourself, be clear in your actions and words and stop playing monkey-see-monkey-do games or trying to be coy..or whatever this is.

if a discussion continues or is opened up in such a way I will make my intentions clear and clear up any mixed signals. My issue is from the beginning I suppose I wasn't sure where he stood so I remained vague
Link to comment

“@Billie, it was a mutual thing. I didn't mean the "I" as in I was the only one who decided. Just I decided I wanted to open myself up to being intimate. We both agreed we wanted to. We didn't talk about exclusivity or dating yet, just seeing where things would take us.”

 

You definitely opened yourself up to intimacy but it doesn’t sound like the chat was anything more than opening your legs. Sorry!!!!

You decided to have sex with someone you were not dating , nevermind exclusively dating and then get disappointed that he didn’t arrange a next meet? His enthusiasm prior was because he hadn’t got laid yet. His lack of enthusiasm after was because he doesn’t have to make “effort”anymore.

 

I’m not trying to be mean and I’m all for women having casual sex the same as guys.

But when I see a post like yours , it makes me sad actually.

Because you want much more than that but going the wrong way about it and with the wrong guys.

Then you blame the guy. Claim he is gaslighting when all he did was have casual consensual sex with a girl who was equally ok with it.

Link to comment
“@Billie, it was a mutual thing. I didn't mean the "I" as in I was the only one who decided. Just I decided I wanted to open myself up to being intimate. We both agreed we wanted to. We didn't talk about exclusivity or dating yet, just seeing where things would take us.”

 

You definitely opened yourself up to intimacy but it doesn’t sound like the chat was anything more than opening your legs. Sorry!!!!

You decided to have sex with someone you were not dating , nevermind exclusively dating and then get disappointed that he didn’t arrange a next meet? His enthusiasm prior was because he hadn’t got laid yet. His lack of enthusiasm after was because he doesn’t have to make “effort”anymore.

 

I’m not trying to be mean and I’m all for women having casual sex the same as guys.

But when I see a post like yours , it makes me sad actually.

Because you want much more than that but going the wrong way about it and with the wrong guys.

Then you blame the guy. Claim he is gaslighting when all he did was have casual consensual sex with a girl who was equally ok with it.

 

Yes I agree. I think casual sex is fine between two single adults who both want it of course. And I see too many posts by women somehow blaming the guy just because he decided he didn't want another date or to meet up for sex again. It's unfair IMO.

Link to comment
Yes I agree. I think casual sex is fine between two single adults who both want it of course. And I see too many posts by women somehow blaming the guy just because he decided he didn't want another date or to meet up for sex again. It's unfair IMO.

 

The original post was concerning.

Because if a guy wrote it , there would be raised questions re rape etc.

Yes it’s absolutely unfair.

 

The OP willingly had sex with a guy that she only had discussion with about having sex that night. Nothing beyond that. And since then expects what????

Link to comment
The original post was concerning.

Because if a guy wrote it , there would be raised questions re rape etc.

Yes it’s absolutely unfair.

 

The OP willingly had sex with a guy that she only had discussion with about having sex that night. Nothing beyond that. And since then expects what????

 

Oh I would hope not -looks like there was perfect consent and regrets after don't have anything to do with that!

I reread the post - OP - wayyyy too many talks and apologies after you only went on dates for a few weeks - and I agree you didn't seem very interested either. For example when you were so busy you could have said "I'm tied up right now but when is a good time to talk to we can make another plan?" You said that the next day but since he really doesn't know you that well maybe you could have brought that up right away -that you didn't tells me you weren't that interested.

Link to comment
Oh I would hope not -looks like there was perfect consent and regrets after don't have anything to do with that!

I reread the post - OP - wayyyy too many talks and apologies after you only went on dates for a few weeks - and I agree you didn't seem very interested either. For example when you were so busy you could have said "I'm tied up right now but when is a good time to talk to we can make another plan?" You said that the next day but since he really doesn't know you that well maybe you could have brought that up right away -that you didn't tells me you weren't that interested.

 

Agree the OP wasn’t that interested .

It certainly sounds in this case that the guy was the one that came out of this worse off.

Link to comment

Everything that happened was consensual, we both agreed to things that transpired between us. @Billie, I didn't go start going out with him to expect a relationship either before or after anything, I wanted to continue to see how things pan out whether a relationship happened or not. He lost interest, then so be it. At least I have some outside confirmation on what actually happened and that I was wrong in my observations. I do have interest but perhaps it wasn't as much as he had. He never voiced at what degree it was just that he had interest. We didn't fully communicate what we were looking for. Yes, I didn't make sure I laid out what I was looking for or eventually looking for from the get go and that's on me and not on him.

 

I wanted to get some outside perspective of what was going on regardless of fault. I'm not blaming him for his lack of interest or losing it. I fully understood that after we became intimate that there was a good chance his interest would die off, not his fault, it's just the nature of the beast and I don't hold that against him. We made plans to get together once work for me wasn't so hectic. We work opposite shifts, him nights and me days. My shifts tend to start or overlap during the short time he's awake after getting off work as well. So actually having a sit down can't just happen at random, we have to literally plan for it. It's not a conversation to just have over a text or just a phone call. I prefer to sit face to face to have a serious conversation. Should the conversation amount to us agreeing to part ways, no hard feelings. If we managed to clear the air and get on the same page, I'm all for that as well if he's ok with it too, even if it just ended at that.

Link to comment

So then don't accuse him of gaslighting you. At one point he was interested in dating you and interested in having sex. Now he is not. Pretty typical early on in the dating process. No need to fully communicate what you're looking for unless it's a priority for you to find a potentially serious relationship -then it might be a good idea to see if you two are on the same wavelength as far as general goals. But it wasn't important to you. You enjoyed dating him and after a few weeks thought you would enjoy having sex so you did.

 

As far as your work schedules -irrelevant. If you want to see someone and get to know that someone by dating him you make it a priority to make time to do that. You knew what your schedules were early on, before you had sex and you chose to make time for him for the dates you had before you had sex and you chose to make time for him in order to have sex. Sure it might take more juggling -I can relate- but two people who want to date either make a plan to meet or make a plan as to when they can talk to make a plan -and they make it very clear they're interested in doing that. You basically blew him off that day you didn't suggest making a plan and by the next day he was already put off and/or he wasn't actually interested in you anymore. Or some combination of the two. I'm sorry it didn't progress any further.

Link to comment
That's not gaslighting.

 

Gaslighting is when someone makes themselves the innocent one whilst you're 'crazy', 'paranoid' , 'defensive' , 'uptight' ,

'overthinking way too much', 'aggressive' , 'overemotional' 'moody'...Where you're the one always doing 'this or that' and causing the problems.

 

A couple of exes gaslit me constantly. This guy isn't doing the same thing.

 

This guy just lost interest.

 

Honey, why are you in contact with people who "gaslight" you?

Link to comment

I've been gaslighted to death by several former close people in my life and your guy did not gaslight you. He was evasive, non-committal and vague but he didn't gaslight you.

 

As a victim of classic gaslighting, gaslighting is when the other person forces you to change your perception of the facts. They accuse you of being delusional, crazy, confused, slanderous, having memory loss, a liar, fabricating your memory, being a drama queen, pot stirrer and troublemaker. They'll threaten you, too. It's extremely bad. A gaslighter is a master at manipulating any and all arguments until it's heated madness, constantly changes the subject where you're constantly stomping out fires, getting off the subject, arguing about what is irrelevant as opposed to your initial complaint or issue. And around and around it goes in insane circles. They wear you down to defeat. It's all about winning no matter how corrupt it is to get there. Gaslighting forces you to defend your good name. You get absolutely nowhere and become so disgusted that you call it quits on the entire relationship. Should your paths cross, you no longer emotionally invest in the perpetrator now that you know what they're capable of. Gaslighting is psychological warfare at its nastiest and ugliest. It's a real head trip let me tell you. :upset:

 

Your guy is complicated and it's best that you let him go and move on with your life.

Link to comment

Unfortunately this is defeatist thinking. That men are hit it and quit it. Also if you could talk face-to face and agree he wouldn't be ending it so that is also odd thinking. You're not compatible, your schedules are too difficult, the communication was poor and the wasn't much interest or availability from either end of things. It happens. It has nothing to do with fault, blame, face-to-face agree to end it etc.

 

It has to do with it just didn't work out. Next time...wait until you are dating and exclusive and seeing each other regularly before you have sex rather than assume anyone is gas lighting you or dumping you after sex. A few sessions with a therapist would help you improve your perspective on dating, relationships, communication etc.

I fully understood that after we became intimate that there was a good chance his interest would die off, not his fault. Should the conversation amount to us agreeing to part ways, no hard feelings. If we managed to clear the air and get on the same page, I'm all for that as well if he's ok with it too, even if it just ended at that.
Link to comment

I wouldn't call this gaslighting, but based on what you've written, it doesn't seem that either of you show much genuine interest in each other.

 

I can't tell if I'm reading about two people who are truly interested in each other, but acting nonchalant and not interested so as not to seem more interested than the other, or if this guy has lost interest. And, when reading your responses to him, and how you describe this situation in general, it really seems as if you don't care, at all. I wouldn't be surprised if he got this impression from you as well and is just responding to your lack of interest.

 

My initial impression of his message to you about picking up your things seemed a bit dramatic to me as well; as if he was looking for or craving some attention.

 

It just sounds like game playing and a bit too much drama - i.e. - the apologies, seeming distant, both parties seeming not to care when they actually maybe do, etc. There's a lot of pushing and pulling here - which is exhausting.

 

Either way, doesn't sound like you two are on the same page or a match.

Link to comment

I think the fact that so many responders have been gaslit ‘many’ times shows how much of a buzzword it’s truly become. Often times a person likes to jump on the label when someone their dating doing view things the way they do, that’s not gaslighting it’s simply a difference in perspectives.

 

Anyone who has truly been gaslit ‘many times’ needs a definite dating break because it’s a serious abusive thing and if it keeps happening well...

 

Perceived victimhood does not alleviate on of personal responsibility. Actual victimhood doesn’t either, if I walk up to you and punch you in the gut and say, well I was abused as a child, does that somehow make it ok? Of course not! It’s the same concept here, you want to lay down the icky feelings left from this guy by labeling him negatively as if that somehow fixes everything... it doesn’t people who act in such a manner just go through a slew of failed relationships never taking ownership for themselves, chipping away at themselves.

 

He is going to be who he is, you are responsible for you. Him losing interest is no ones fault, it naturally happens, everyday, learn to be able to cope with basic rejection without having to create elaborate scenarios to soothe yourself. If every guy you date is crazy does that say more about you or them? See what I mean?

Link to comment

Yes, I've been gaslit more times than I care to count. :upset: Unfortunately, I've since learned every trick in the book courtesy of a handful of gaslighters in my life. I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away, too. They fight very nasty. The best thing to do is to drop a gaslighter out of your life and should your paths cross with them, steer clear and avoid them like the plague. Sure, remain civil but avoid them overall if you know what's good for you. Avoiding gaslighters will save your sanity.

 

Both of you are incompatible and it's time to go your separate ways.

Link to comment

Its not gaslighting to say "yes, let's get together" and then not to be so enthusiastic the next time whether the shine has worn off or he's juggling other plans. Don't diagnose others having the problem and decide how your own actions are making you uncomfortable -- you got overly attached and are analyzing every word beause you had sex. This guy is not manipulating you -- you are. You had sex with someone without getting to know them - it was what it was - and now because they are not enthusiastic about you, you are making it out like he has a mental disorder

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...