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Thread: I think I Met My First Gaslighter.

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Honey, why are you in contact with people who "gaslight" you?
    I'm not lol, this was when I was a lot younger.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    No gaslighting, just you two don't connect, so you don't really understand or "get" each other. I agree it's just a matter of not being right for each other. Why make it so complicated when it's not.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I think the fact that so many responders have been gaslit Ďmanyí times shows how much of a buzzword itís truly become. Often times a person likes to jump on the label when someone their dating doing view things the way they do, thatís not gaslighting itís simply a difference in perspectives.

    Anyone who has truly been gaslit Ďmany timesí needs a definite dating break because itís a serious abusive thing and if it keeps happening well...

    Perceived victimhood does not alleviate on of personal responsibility. Actual victimhood doesnít either, if I walk up to you and punch you in the gut and say, well I was abused as a child, does that somehow make it ok? Of course not! Itís the same concept here, you want to lay down the icky feelings left from this guy by labeling him negatively as if that somehow fixes everything... it doesnít people who act in such a manner just go through a slew of failed relationships never taking ownership for themselves, chipping away at themselves.

    He is going to be who he is, you are responsible for you. Him losing interest is no ones fault, it naturally happens, everyday, learn to be able to cope with basic rejection without having to create elaborate scenarios to soothe yourself. If every guy you date is crazy does that say more about you or them? See what I mean?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes, I've been gaslit more times than I care to count. Unfortunately, I've since learned every trick in the book courtesy of a handful of gaslighters in my life. I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away, too. They fight very nasty. The best thing to do is to drop a gaslighter out of your life and should your paths cross with them, steer clear and avoid them like the plague. Sure, remain civil but avoid them overall if you know what's good for you. Avoiding gaslighters will save your sanity.

    Both of you are incompatible and it's time to go your separate ways.

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  6. #25
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    Its not gaslighting to say "yes, let's get together" and then not to be so enthusiastic the next time whether the shine has worn off or he's juggling other plans. Don't diagnose others having the problem and decide how your own actions are making you uncomfortable -- you got overly attached and are analyzing every word beause you had sex. This guy is not manipulating you -- you are. You had sex with someone without getting to know them - it was what it was - and now because they are not enthusiastic about you, you are making it out like he has a mental disorder

  7. #26
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    This is not gaslighting it is mutual loss of interest. Truth be told you donít sound interested either why should he ?
    Exactly.

    Instead, this time he implied that we'll see and make it seem like a maybe or who knows. I answered that I just got a lot of work stuff suddenly get piled on me and needed to focus on that. I told him once work lets up we should plan something, he said he hopes to.
    Vague promises of hanging out from both of you which typically indicates a lack of interest in progressing things.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Its not gaslighting to say "yes, let's get together" and then not to be so enthusiastic the next time whether the shine has worn off or he's juggling other plans. Don't diagnose others having the problem and decide how your own actions are making you uncomfortable -- you got overly attached and are analyzing every word beause you had sex. This guy is not manipulating you -- you are. You had sex with someone without getting to know them - it was what it was - and now because they are not enthusiastic about you, you are making it out like he has a mental disorder
    Bingo.....

  9. #28
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    I fully understood that after we became intimate that there was a good chance his interest would die off, not his fault, it's just the nature of the beast and I don't hold that against him.
    In future, if you would like a loving, mutual relationship with anyone, get rid of this kind of thinking. For a number of reasons, it's likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    If you've taken the time to get to know somebody, and established mutual trust and caring, and a good relationship before you hit the sheets, it's highly unlikely that the guy's interest will die off once you're intimate. Quite the reverse in fact.

    Describing the loss of interest once you'd become intimate being 'the nature of the beast', as being typical of men will serve you very badly. Partly because you'll subconsciously choose men who confirm this view, and, if you inadvertently find someone who would like to take the relationship further, you'll be likely to drive them away by your own distancing behaviours. Being open and honest about your feelings and intentions at the appropriate time may make you feel vulnerable, but it will save a lot of heartache and wondering further down the line.

    For example, if you hadn't had the talk about exclusivity and how you felt about whether you had a relationship, then don't have sex. Otherwise you're sending a very clear signal that you're into uncommitted sex (I use the term 'uncommitted' loosely!). If he runs at the mention of 'exclusivity', then you've dodged a bullet.

    This guy is not manipulating you or gaslighting you. He is just not giving you something you'd never actually asked for or discussed in the first place.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You told him multiple times you're busy. So how was he supposed to know you wanted to see him?

    Vague "let's get together sometime" is not "Want to go check out that new coffee house after work Tuesday?" You showed as much lack of interest as he did.

    I presume that's because you're fearful of rejection or getting hurt, so you rejected him before he could reject you. And then blamed him for not continuing to pursue.

    Don't be your own worst enemy by making assumptions and pre-emptively pulling the trigger.

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