Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 29

Thread: I think I Met My First Gaslighter.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,884
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes I agree. I think casual sex is fine between two single adults who both want it of course. And I see too many posts by women somehow blaming the guy just because he decided he didn't want another date or to meet up for sex again. It's unfair IMO.
    The original post was concerning.
    Because if a guy wrote it , there would be raised questions re rape etc.
    Yes itís absolutely unfair.

    The OP willingly had sex with a guy that she only had discussion with about having sex that night. Nothing beyond that. And since then expects what????

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,613
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    The original post was concerning.
    Because if a guy wrote it , there would be raised questions re rape etc.
    Yes itís absolutely unfair.

    The OP willingly had sex with a guy that she only had discussion with about having sex that night. Nothing beyond that. And since then expects what????
    Oh I would hope not -looks like there was perfect consent and regrets after don't have anything to do with that!
    I reread the post - OP - wayyyy too many talks and apologies after you only went on dates for a few weeks - and I agree you didn't seem very interested either. For example when you were so busy you could have said "I'm tied up right now but when is a good time to talk to we can make another plan?" You said that the next day but since he really doesn't know you that well maybe you could have brought that up right away -that you didn't tells me you weren't that interested.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,884
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh I would hope not -looks like there was perfect consent and regrets after don't have anything to do with that!
    I reread the post - OP - wayyyy too many talks and apologies after you only went on dates for a few weeks - and I agree you didn't seem very interested either. For example when you were so busy you could have said "I'm tied up right now but when is a good time to talk to we can make another plan?" You said that the next day but since he really doesn't know you that well maybe you could have brought that up right away -that you didn't tells me you weren't that interested.
    Agree the OP wasnít that interested .
    It certainly sounds in this case that the guy was the one that came out of this worse off.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    deleted
    Posts
    1,639
    It sounds like he's breaking up with you and asking you to come get your stuff so you two can break ties.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    8
    Everything that happened was consensual, we both agreed to things that transpired between us. @Billie, I didn't go start going out with him to expect a relationship either before or after anything, I wanted to continue to see how things pan out whether a relationship happened or not. He lost interest, then so be it. At least I have some outside confirmation on what actually happened and that I was wrong in my observations. I do have interest but perhaps it wasn't as much as he had. He never voiced at what degree it was just that he had interest. We didn't fully communicate what we were looking for. Yes, I didn't make sure I laid out what I was looking for or eventually looking for from the get go and that's on me and not on him.

    I wanted to get some outside perspective of what was going on regardless of fault. I'm not blaming him for his lack of interest or losing it. I fully understood that after we became intimate that there was a good chance his interest would die off, not his fault, it's just the nature of the beast and I don't hold that against him. We made plans to get together once work for me wasn't so hectic. We work opposite shifts, him nights and me days. My shifts tend to start or overlap during the short time he's awake after getting off work as well. So actually having a sit down can't just happen at random, we have to literally plan for it. It's not a conversation to just have over a text or just a phone call. I prefer to sit face to face to have a serious conversation. Should the conversation amount to us agreeing to part ways, no hard feelings. If we managed to clear the air and get on the same page, I'm all for that as well if he's ok with it too, even if it just ended at that.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,613
    So then don't accuse him of gaslighting you. At one point he was interested in dating you and interested in having sex. Now he is not. Pretty typical early on in the dating process. No need to fully communicate what you're looking for unless it's a priority for you to find a potentially serious relationship -then it might be a good idea to see if you two are on the same wavelength as far as general goals. But it wasn't important to you. You enjoyed dating him and after a few weeks thought you would enjoy having sex so you did.

    As far as your work schedules -irrelevant. If you want to see someone and get to know that someone by dating him you make it a priority to make time to do that. You knew what your schedules were early on, before you had sex and you chose to make time for him for the dates you had before you had sex and you chose to make time for him in order to have sex. Sure it might take more juggling -I can relate- but two people who want to date either make a plan to meet or make a plan as to when they can talk to make a plan -and they make it very clear they're interested in doing that. You basically blew him off that day you didn't suggest making a plan and by the next day he was already put off and/or he wasn't actually interested in you anymore. Or some combination of the two. I'm sorry it didn't progress any further.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,705
    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    That's not gaslighting.

    Gaslighting is when someone makes themselves the innocent one whilst you're 'crazy', 'paranoid' , 'defensive' , 'uptight' ,
    'overthinking way too much', 'aggressive' , 'overemotional' 'moody'...Where you're the one always doing 'this or that' and causing the problems.

    A couple of exes gaslit me constantly. This guy isn't doing the same thing.

    This guy just lost interest.
    Honey, why are you in contact with people who "gaslight" you?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    2,216
    I've been gaslighted to death by several former close people in my life and your guy did not gaslight you. He was evasive, non-committal and vague but he didn't gaslight you.

    As a victim of classic gaslighting, gaslighting is when the other person forces you to change your perception of the facts. They accuse you of being delusional, crazy, confused, slanderous, having memory loss, a liar, fabricating your memory, being a drama queen, pot stirrer and troublemaker. They'll threaten you, too. It's extremely bad. A gaslighter is a master at manipulating any and all arguments until it's heated madness, constantly changes the subject where you're constantly stomping out fires, getting off the subject, arguing about what is irrelevant as opposed to your initial complaint or issue. And around and around it goes in insane circles. They wear you down to defeat. It's all about winning no matter how corrupt it is to get there. Gaslighting forces you to defend your good name. You get absolutely nowhere and become so disgusted that you call it quits on the entire relationship. Should your paths cross, you no longer emotionally invest in the perpetrator now that you know what they're capable of. Gaslighting is psychological warfare at its nastiest and ugliest. It's a real head trip let me tell you.

    Your guy is complicated and it's best that you let him go and move on with your life.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    38,529
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately this is defeatist thinking. That men are hit it and quit it. Also if you could talk face-to face and agree he wouldn't be ending it so that is also odd thinking. You're not compatible, your schedules are too difficult, the communication was poor and the wasn't much interest or availability from either end of things. It happens. It has nothing to do with fault, blame, face-to-face agree to end it etc.

    It has to do with it just didn't work out. Next time...wait until you are dating and exclusive and seeing each other regularly before you have sex rather than assume anyone is gas lighting you or dumping you after sex. A few sessions with a therapist would help you improve your perspective on dating, relationships, communication etc.
    Originally Posted by TangoRed
    I fully understood that after we became intimate that there was a good chance his interest would die off, not his fault. Should the conversation amount to us agreeing to part ways, no hard feelings. If we managed to clear the air and get on the same page, I'm all for that as well if he's ok with it too, even if it just ended at that.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member milly007's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    2,074
    Gender
    Female
    I wouldn't call this gaslighting, but based on what you've written, it doesn't seem that either of you show much genuine interest in each other.

    I can't tell if I'm reading about two people who are truly interested in each other, but acting nonchalant and not interested so as not to seem more interested than the other, or if this guy has lost interest. And, when reading your responses to him, and how you describe this situation in general, it really seems as if you don't care, at all. I wouldn't be surprised if he got this impression from you as well and is just responding to your lack of interest.

    My initial impression of his message to you about picking up your things seemed a bit dramatic to me as well; as if he was looking for or craving some attention.

    It just sounds like game playing and a bit too much drama - i.e. - the apologies, seeming distant, both parties seeming not to care when they actually maybe do, etc. There's a lot of pushing and pulling here - which is exhausting.

    Either way, doesn't sound like you two are on the same page or a match.
    Last edited by milly007; 12-15-2019 at 02:15 PM.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •