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Chelsea54

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I’m ready for the tough talk from anyone who will give it.

 

I have been exclusive with a man for almost 2 years now. We met online. One problem is we’ve hardly ever seen each other IRL. 5-6 times. We live about an hour apart. So we’re on the phone, texting, or video. He had successfully gotten me to believe for a long while that his work, kids, & tiredness were reasons he couldn’t get together but always insisted that he wanted to. Told me he loved me, always had, always would. We were supposed to get together tonight, but last night he was kind of rude and came up with reasons to back out. Flaked again. I had the worst gut feeling. I’ve been praying a prayer for either repair of relationship or revelation of what is going on.

 

Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other —and yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. :(. I looked again to do screenshots and noticed it looked like he was online right at that moment. And I saw that he looked at my fake profile (celebrity picture). Im not proud of it but I acted mental and called him 10 times. Would not pick up and didn’t call back. Texted him to call back. Eventually texted him that I saw his profile etc. & I can’t tell if he read that last text yet.

 

I basically need to be tough through this disillusionment. It appears he is not who I put him on a pedestal as. I’ve been intermittently crying my eyes out for the past 2 years over the rollercoaster of pining for him, believing that he’s pining for me, and the mental mismatch of being told he misses me and the lack of proof of him showing up. In the past 2 years I’ve had a few life events he wasn’t present for—meaning his presence as a true boyfriend is minimal to non-existent.

I’d say this is a life lesson about assuming who someone is and who they are in my life too soon. I asked for physical exclusivity early on. He’s the one who announced/asked we’re bf/gf status.

 

I want to have that final talk/talks.

 

It’s going to take some time to process and be ok again. I want to know how long he’s been on the dating site.

 

I’ve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isn’t working & things need to change & we see each other. So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight.

 

I’m sorry this is rambling, but I don’t have my thoughts straight. I’ve felt some love for him from the day we met and I still stronglt love who I thought he has been.

& yes. This is someone I’ve written about in the past here. I can’t even recall what I wrote before & don’t think it matters right now. I thought I could grow a backboneand move along then, but i didn’t.

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It’s going to take some time to process and be ok again. I want to know how long he’s been on the dating site.

 

I’ve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isn’t working & things need to change & we see each other. So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight.

 

I think you know he didn't just post the dating profile the very night you happened to look; you just want to hope that's the case because deep down you still want everything to turn out with this guy. You don't need ANOTHER discussion about what needs to change. Doing so would be totally pointless because your so-called boyfriend has already checked out of the relationship and has been keeping you as nothing but a side interest. Why would you want to be with someone so deceitful and flaky? How could you ever trust him now? Do yourself a favour and just block/delete him. He won't be bothered because while he's been giving you excuses he's out seeing other women.

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I'm sorry, Chelsea54.

 

It doesn't matter how long he's been on the dating site.

 

Don't overthink how to formulate what to say or write to him. You needn't waste your energy with a long winded explanation nor expect anything from him either. Calmly write to him that it's over and be done with it. No sense psychoanalyzing this to death. It does no good.

 

He never took you seriously and he's a player. Beware. Consider yourself lucky that you're cutting him off now as opposed to later. Move on and be careful.

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Sorry to hear this. At some level after 2 Years and 5 dates, you realize you're not dating no less in an exclusive relationship. Catfishing is not dating. You need to delete and block this guy from all social media, dating apps, messaging and video apps and devices. It would be a good idea to consider some short term therapy to get to the root of this behavior.

 

Is this the same guy?: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550769&p=7002321&viewfull=1#post7002321

 

I have been exclusive with a man for almost 2 years now.One problem is we’ve hardly ever seen each other IRL. 5-6 times.

Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other —and yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. This is someone I’ve written about in the past here.

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He at best is a cat fisher and at worst a serial killer.

But he is definitely somewhere in between the two.

Geez it would be better if you found out he was married and you were his mistress. But it’s so much worse than that!!! Because he is still creeping online.

 

I’m so sorry you got duped , but at the same time you need to question why you got so easily duped?

There are lots of cat fishers out there but most don’t bite? Why do you think you did?

An escape from reality rather than facing it? A fantasy of you like?

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Poorlittlefish. I guess I can’t know when he posted it & it it seems at this point I want to know if he has been with other women. Maybe I should just assume he has and that every single thing he told me was potentially a lie & it’s time for a trip to the Dr to test for everything. And, now I can’t fully trust any of his answers anyway.

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Cherylyn, I am seeing the good in not meeting all the normal milestones a 2 yr “relationship” typically would. I’m especially glad my kids or parents never met him. Yes, I have been played & it seems I’ve been a foolish willing participant actively calming down my own inner “warning” red flags nearly daily and making the good moments much bigger & better than they were.

I feel additionally cheated by not having the satisfaction of a breakup conversation. But I’m facing that I might need to do a simple it’s over text. He’s not picking up my calls or calling me back.

I have a hard time with block & delete right now.

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Hi wiseman, I have written about this relationship before. But regarding the post that I wanted deleted was a totally different person.

The 2 year guy—About 3 months after our first IRL date I decided to override all of his (encouraging) answers to my questions and re-start dating online. I went on 4-5 adres with different men with whom i had no real attraction. Then 2Y and I got together again and afterwards I told him about the dates and that I did it because I mistrusted his sincerity. He was shocked and thought we had been exclusive. I was, physically, but had gone on these dates. So we had the discussion & were exclusive thereafter. So I thought.

I don’t know that cat-fishing is the correct term here. But he surely verbally misrepresented his intentions to me.

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Billie28. I don’t know why I was living in a fantasy of the potential which I obviously manufactured out of tiny bits of real nice stuff and justifying it ignoring the reality of huge globs of bad stuff.

It seems I’m easily addicted to the euphoria of believing how awesome things could be. It definitely is an escape.

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It should never have gone this far. You shouldn't have had to catch him online to end it.

 

You should have considered yourself worthy of a man who would make you a priority.

 

The goal here is for you to be able to date with enough self worth to acknowledge that you deserved more. . .a long time ago.

 

You knew something was off or you wouldnt have created the burner profile.

 

Going fwd learn to walk away sooner when a man treats you this way. Listen to your intuition, set a standard of what you believe you deserve and dont tolerate this - for 5 dates in 2 years no less.

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It seems I’m easily addicted to the euphoria of believing how awesome things could be. It definitely is an escape.

 

I'd really focus on this right now, as it seems to be the main fuel here, far more than any mixed signals he's been sending.

 

At the end of the day we only stay in a relationship—or "hold on" to the idea of one—because we're getting something out of it. Isolating what that something is is important, since it removes the mystery of another person: what they're thinking vs really thinking, what they're feeling "deep down," how much "effort" they're putting in, or not, the potential of who they may become, and so on.

 

Remove the part about finding him on a dating site, and this is still a dynamic that gave you very little: five or six in person meets augmented by some texting, loads of mental strife and very little peace. For most people that would be far, far from enough, even if the other person meant everything they said. It's a bit like trying to quench thirst by sipping from a glass with one droplet of water at the bottom: all you get is thirstier.

 

So why was it enough for you, for so long?

 

I'd say that the tradeoff for getting so little is that it allows the imagination to be the driver more than an actual connection, that you get the illusion of emotional surrender—the buzzy, adrenalized feeling you probably had coursing through you as you went about the business of creating a fake profile and then blowing up his phone. He is, after all, more of an idea that a person to you: an idea of what could be, an idea of love and happiness on the horizon, a "distraction" as you put it.

 

But a distraction from what? From your day to day life? From reality? Figure out how to embrace the thing you're thirsty to be distracted from and I suspect a connection of this sort will lose all potency.

 

I'm sorry about the situation you're in, truly. But I'm not one to reach for certain terms here—"catfishing," "player," etc.—because I think that gives him too much power and makes you a victim. I don't think you are. If there's a lesson here it might be that there are real risks to trying to find a "safe" means of feeling big feelings: connection, longing, and so forth. This is a very unfortunate means to learn that lesson, but it sounds like it's dawning. That is a positive development.

 

Let this go, so you can reflect more and, as you heal, live that lesson. The thing you've wanted this whole time—a rich, real connection—is out there, but it's not with this man and never really was.

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Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other —and yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. :(. I looked again to do screenshots and noticed it looked like he was online right at that moment. And I saw that he looked at my fake profile (celebrity picture). Im not proud of it but I acted mental and called him 10 times. Would not pick up and didn’t call back. Texted him to call back. Eventually texted him that I saw his profile etc. & I can’t tell if he read that last text yet.

 

Don't feel bad about yourself. He's been taking advantage of your trust and enthusiasm. He is obviously doing this to other people and has been all along. You are not the first person to catch him and you will not be the last.

 

He's probably not responding to your text because he has a bank of other women in reserve. He's got a whole system set up: Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, Plan, D, etc.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but if you guys only live an hour away from each other, you are probably not and never have been Plan A.

 

I’d say this is a life lesson about assuming who someone is and who they are in my life too soon.

 

Yes, it can be. But only if you become honest with yourself and recognize what you are dealing with here.

 

No more of this:

 

I want to have that final talk/talks.

 

I want to know how long he’s been on the dating site.

 

I’ve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isn’t working & things need to change & we see each other.

 

Let it go, Elsa. Quit with the appeals. He is garbage.

 

So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight.

 

No, he didn't. Stop fooling yourself! He will never, ever stop using you as a doormat. You have to stop being a doormat. So, cry it out, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start treating yourself with respect.

 

You deserve a lot better than what you've settled for here.

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Sometimes we deal with embarrassing situations and may feel we're not enough for someone. The image and idea we have of ourselves is hazy and because of that our expectations sometimes slip and are lowered far beyond what should be acceptable (to ourselves). It's ok to have periods of insecurity and confusion but it's not ok to let someone treat you this way. You learned a hard lesson and spent two years of your life tucked away in a pocket of no man's land, a type of bermuda triangle where a section of your life feels it's slipped to somewhere unknown. The trick now is not to become so down about it that you forget yourself entirely in your depressed or dejected state or spiral further into oblivion.

 

Pick yourself up off the ground and start opening your eyes to more that life has to offer. Any hurt you may have been experiencing, insecurities, confusion about yourself (health-wise, body image, financial instability, joblessness or unemployment, and so on), start looking it right in the eye and start asking yourself how you can amend those issues so that you can live your life better.

 

Be more in tune with how you feel and also where you're going in life. Without purpose, things start to get wobbly. People lose their sense of direction and get overworked, emotional, confused, insecure, fear others are out to get them. All these neurotic things and a tendency to live in denial happens when we're not in tune and don't have a purpose. Dig deep and start asking yourself if you're heading in a direction in other areas of your life where you're happy and content. Some of them are easy to fix. Maybe it's a matter of joining an interest group to keep you motivated, alert and more in tune with your creative self. Other times it's about a career change and doing the homework and legwork finishing some added schooling or upgrading your skills. If it's your health or body image, speak to the right doctors and specialists and stop putting things on the back burner.

 

It's up from here but I think you need to want that for yourself.

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You are not dating him, no less in a relationship with him if he lives this nearby and has only seen you 5 times in 2 years. You can date/have sex with whoever you want and so can he. You need to dump this situation.

 

Block and delete him from all messaging apps and dating apps and social media. Spend time getting away from the screen and meeting men in real life who are ready, willing and able to date you...and who are single. Wait until you have the exclusive conversation before you have sex and do not have unprotected sex.

 

Yes if you hooked up 5 times get to a doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist while getting tested for STDs and getting education on safe sex. Ask a trusted adult about dating and relationships and stop cyber-stalking this guy.

I want to know if he has been with other women. it’s time for a trip to the Dr to test for everything. A
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I'm so sorry this happened to you but I also must say I'm shocked that you allowed this to go on and thought you couldn't do better. Are you struggling to meet men? It sounds like you have low self-esteem. I live in a big city and I often travel 1+ hours (even by car) to my friends and did for my partners too. One hour is nothing to travel for a relationship! How can you be so naive to think that someone is "too busy" to see you more than five times in two years??! Seeing other women aside, when someone never wants to see you, that means they're not into you. It's very simple, people that want to see you will make the effort. He wasn't far from you at all! One hour is not a big deal if you like someone. I always travel that far even just for friends. I honestly don't think this man thought seriously about you at all. Consider it a blessing you found him out and that it's over! DO NOT go back to him. He doesn't care about you and it's very clear.

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This man sounds like he is married.

 

I had the feeling he was doing the Cory whatshisname thing of establishing via internet sites a group of intimate lady friends, without committing to any one of them.

 

But, yes he could be married.

 

Either way, the OP should shirtfront him and find out what is going on.

 

And probably drop kick him into touch, when she does.

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Rose Moses. I really appreciate what you wrote here. & What everyone wrote. I talked with a couple IRL friends this weekend and they know more details and I’m getting the similar advice. Some things transpired this weekend and just a moment ago & I sent a text that is nearly a breakup a few minutes ago. I never wanted it to go this way... But this stress is bringing health problems, my kids are concerned about me. Basically he would need to turn into a new & different person today to make it back to me & I’m not waiting.

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bluecasle—

“there are real risks to trying to find a "safe" means of feeling big feelings: connection, longing, and so forth. “

I connect with that idea. —Also you mentioned loving who I think he is or who I want him to be. I do love that idea of a man. & I imagined that’s who I had. I asked him about himself & he claimed to be all of what I wanted, but ended up not showing much of it to me.

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I sent a text that is nearly a breakup a few minutes ago.

 

What does "nearly" mean? I can't help but read that and wonder if your hope is that he will respond with some new side of himself, reacting in some way that allows you to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he will come around to be the person you want him to be. To which I'd say: be careful, since it's that very loop that has made these two years possible.

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Sorry this is happening. Yes take care of your health and your kids. Get to a doctor for a checkup and ask for a referral to a therapist to help with all the stress. Do not communicate with this guy or keep fishing for something through "nearly" texts. Just forget him so you can move forward and feel better.

a moment ago & I sent a text that is nearly a breakup a few minutes ago. this stress is bringing health problems, my kids are concerned about me.
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