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Thread: Held on too long

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    Held on too long

    Iím ready for the tough talk from anyone who will give it.

    I have been exclusive with a man for almost 2 years now. We met online. One problem is weíve hardly ever seen each other IRL. 5-6 times. We live about an hour apart. So weíre on the phone, texting, or video. He had successfully gotten me to believe for a long while that his work, kids, & tiredness were reasons he couldnít get together but always insisted that he wanted to. Told me he loved me, always had, always would. We were supposed to get together tonight, but last night he was kind of rude and came up with reasons to back out. Flaked again. I had the worst gut feeling. Iíve been praying a prayer for either repair of relationship or revelation of what is going on.

    Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other óand yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. :(. I looked again to do screenshots and noticed it looked like he was online right at that moment. And I saw that he looked at my fake profile (celebrity picture). Im not proud of it but I acted mental and called him 10 times. Would not pick up and didnít call back. Texted him to call back. Eventually texted him that I saw his profile etc. & I canít tell if he read that last text yet.

    I basically need to be tough through this disillusionment. It appears he is not who I put him on a pedestal as. Iíve been intermittently crying my eyes out for the past 2 years over the rollercoaster of pining for him, believing that heís pining for me, and the mental mismatch of being told he misses me and the lack of proof of him showing up. In the past 2 years Iíve had a few life events he wasnít present forómeaning his presence as a true boyfriend is minimal to non-existent.
    Iíd say this is a life lesson about assuming who someone is and who they are in my life too soon. I asked for physical exclusivity early on. Heís the one who announced/asked weíre bf/gf status.

    I want to have that final talk/talks.

    Itís going to take some time to process and be ok again. I want to know how long heís been on the dating site.

    Iíve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isnít working & things need to change & we see each other. So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight.

    Iím sorry this is rambling, but I donít have my thoughts straight. Iíve felt some love for him from the day we met and I still stronglt love who I thought he has been.
    & yes. This is someone Iíve written about in the past here. I canít even recall what I wrote before & donít think it matters right now. I thought I could grow a backboneand move along then, but i didnít.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    Itís going to take some time to process and be ok again. I want to know how long heís been on the dating site.

    Iíve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isnít working & things need to change & we see each other. So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight.
    I think you know he didn't just post the dating profile the very night you happened to look; you just want to hope that's the case because deep down you still want everything to turn out with this guy. You don't need ANOTHER discussion about what needs to change. Doing so would be totally pointless because your so-called boyfriend has already checked out of the relationship and has been keeping you as nothing but a side interest. Why would you want to be with someone so deceitful and flaky? How could you ever trust him now? Do yourself a favour and just block/delete him. He won't be bothered because while he's been giving you excuses he's out seeing other women.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, Chelsea54.

    It doesn't matter how long he's been on the dating site.

    Don't overthink how to formulate what to say or write to him. You needn't waste your energy with a long winded explanation nor expect anything from him either. Calmly write to him that it's over and be done with it. No sense psychoanalyzing this to death. It does no good.

    He never took you seriously and he's a player. Beware. Consider yourself lucky that you're cutting him off now as opposed to later. Move on and be careful.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. At some level after 2 Years and 5 dates, you realize you're not dating no less in an exclusive relationship. Catfishing is not dating. You need to delete and block this guy from all social media, dating apps, messaging and video apps and devices. It would be a good idea to consider some short term therapy to get to the root of this behavior.

    Is this the same guy?: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Chelsea54

    I have been exclusive with a man for almost 2 years now.One problem is weíve hardly ever seen each other IRL. 5-6 times.
    Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other óand yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. This is someone Iíve written about in the past here.

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  6. #5
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    He at best is a cat fisher and at worst a serial killer.
    But he is definitely somewhere in between the two.
    Geez it would be better if you found out he was married and you were his mistress. But itís so much worse than that!!! Because he is still creeping online.

    Iím so sorry you got duped , but at the same time you need to question why you got so easily duped?
    There are lots of cat fishers out there but most donít bite? Why do you think you did?
    An escape from reality rather than facing it? A fantasy of you like?

  7. #6
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    weíve hardly ever seen each other IRL. 5-6 times. We live about an hour apart
    An hour apart is not a long way.

    Many of us could be dating someone in the same city and be an hour apart.

    Sounds like he is not willing to put the effort in.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    Poorlittlefish. I guess I canít know when he posted it & it it seems at this point I want to know if he has been with other women. Maybe I should just assume he has and that every single thing he told me was potentially a lie & itís time for a trip to the Dr to test for everything. And, now I canít fully trust any of his answers anyway.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    Cherylyn, I am seeing the good in not meeting all the normal milestones a 2 yr ďrelationshipĒ typically would. Iím especially glad my kids or parents never met him. Yes, I have been played & it seems Iíve been a foolish willing participant actively calming down my own inner ďwarningĒ red flags nearly daily and making the good moments much bigger & better than they were.
    I feel additionally cheated by not having the satisfaction of a breakup conversation. But Iím facing that I might need to do a simple itís over text. Heís not picking up my calls or calling me back.
    I have a hard time with block & delete right now.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    Hi wiseman, I have written about this relationship before. But regarding the post that I wanted deleted was a totally different person.
    The 2 year guyóAbout 3 months after our first IRL date I decided to override all of his (encouraging) answers to my questions and re-start dating online. I went on 4-5 adres with different men with whom i had no real attraction. Then 2Y and I got together again and afterwards I told him about the dates and that I did it because I mistrusted his sincerity. He was shocked and thought we had been exclusive. I was, physically, but had gone on these dates. So we had the discussion & were exclusive thereafter. So I thought.
    I donít know that cat-fishing is the correct term here. But he surely verbally misrepresented his intentions to me.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    Billie28. I donít know why I was living in a fantasy of the potential which I obviously manufactured out of tiny bits of real nice stuff and justifying it ignoring the reality of huge globs of bad stuff.
    It seems Iím easily addicted to the euphoria of believing how awesome things could be. It definitely is an escape.

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