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Thread: Held on too long

  1. #11
    Bronze Member Chelsea54's Avatar
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    RayRay. He most certainly did not put in the effort. Every little breadcrumb he threw felt like a banquet.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It should never have gone this far. You shouldn't have had to catch him online to end it.

    You should have considered yourself worthy of a man who would make you a priority.

    The goal here is for you to be able to date with enough self worth to acknowledge that you deserved more. . .a long time ago.

    You knew something was off or you wouldnt have created the burner profile.

    Going fwd learn to walk away sooner when a man treats you this way. Listen to your intuition, set a standard of what you believe you deserve and dont tolerate this - for 5 dates in 2 years no less.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    It seems I’m easily addicted to the euphoria of believing how awesome things could be. It definitely is an escape.
    I'd really focus on this right now, as it seems to be the main fuel here, far more than any mixed signals he's been sending.

    At the end of the day we only stay in a relationship—or "hold on" to the idea of one—because we're getting something out of it. Isolating what that something is is important, since it removes the mystery of another person: what they're thinking vs really thinking, what they're feeling "deep down," how much "effort" they're putting in, or not, the potential of who they may become, and so on.

    Remove the part about finding him on a dating site, and this is still a dynamic that gave you very little: five or six in person meets augmented by some texting, loads of mental strife and very little peace. For most people that would be far, far from enough, even if the other person meant everything they said. It's a bit like trying to quench thirst by sipping from a glass with one droplet of water at the bottom: all you get is thirstier.

    So why was it enough for you, for so long?

    I'd say that the tradeoff for getting so little is that it allows the imagination to be the driver more than an actual connection, that you get the illusion of emotional surrender—the buzzy, adrenalized feeling you probably had coursing through you as you went about the business of creating a fake profile and then blowing up his phone. He is, after all, more of an idea that a person to you: an idea of what could be, an idea of love and happiness on the horizon, a "distraction" as you put it.

    But a distraction from what? From your day to day life? From reality? Figure out how to embrace the thing you're thirsty to be distracted from and I suspect a connection of this sort will lose all potency.

    I'm sorry about the situation you're in, truly. But I'm not one to reach for certain terms here—"catfishing," "player," etc.—because I think that gives him too much power and makes you a victim. I don't think you are. If there's a lesson here it might be that there are real risks to trying to find a "safe" means of feeling big feelings: connection, longing, and so forth. This is a very unfortunate means to learn that lesson, but it sounds like it's dawning. That is a positive development.

    Let this go, so you can reflect more and, as you heal, live that lesson. The thing you've wanted this whole time—a rich, real connection—is out there, but it's not with this man and never really was.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    Tonight, I got the idea to create a fake ID on the dating site we used to meet each other —and yep, he was on there and his profile included a picture from about 2 months ago. :(. I looked again to do screenshots and noticed it looked like he was online right at that moment. And I saw that he looked at my fake profile (celebrity picture). Im not proud of it but I acted mental and called him 10 times. Would not pick up and didn’t call back. Texted him to call back. Eventually texted him that I saw his profile etc. & I can’t tell if he read that last text yet.
    Don't feel bad about yourself. He's been taking advantage of your trust and enthusiasm. He is obviously doing this to other people and has been all along. You are not the first person to catch him and you will not be the last.

    He's probably not responding to your text because he has a bank of other women in reserve. He's got a whole system set up: Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, Plan, D, etc.

    I'm sorry to say this, but if you guys only live an hour away from each other, you are probably not and never have been Plan A.

    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    I’d say this is a life lesson about assuming who someone is and who they are in my life too soon.
    Yes, it can be. But only if you become honest with yourself and recognize what you are dealing with here.

    No more of this:

    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    I want to have that final talk/talks.
    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    I want to know how long he’s been on the dating site.
    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    I’ve been formulating ways to decide what I want out of ANOTHER discussion about how this isn’t working & things need to change & we see each other.
    Let it go, Elsa. Quit with the appeals. He is garbage.

    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    So I wonder if he had a gut feeling that I was potentially going to break up /take a break and just posted the dating profile tonight.
    No, he didn't. Stop fooling yourself! He will never, ever stop using you as a doormat. You have to stop being a doormat. So, cry it out, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start treating yourself with respect.

    You deserve a lot better than what you've settled for here.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What are you trying to escape from?

    It must be something really big to put up with this for 2 years.

    An hour apart is nothing. I had a relationship with a man who lived two hours from me. He drove to me every weekend for almost two years.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Sometimes we deal with embarrassing situations and may feel we're not enough for someone. The image and idea we have of ourselves is hazy and because of that our expectations sometimes slip and are lowered far beyond what should be acceptable (to ourselves). It's ok to have periods of insecurity and confusion but it's not ok to let someone treat you this way. You learned a hard lesson and spent two years of your life tucked away in a pocket of no man's land, a type of bermuda triangle where a section of your life feels it's slipped to somewhere unknown. The trick now is not to become so down about it that you forget yourself entirely in your depressed or dejected state or spiral further into oblivion.

    Pick yourself up off the ground and start opening your eyes to more that life has to offer. Any hurt you may have been experiencing, insecurities, confusion about yourself (health-wise, body image, financial instability, joblessness or unemployment, and so on), start looking it right in the eye and start asking yourself how you can amend those issues so that you can live your life better.

    Be more in tune with how you feel and also where you're going in life. Without purpose, things start to get wobbly. People lose their sense of direction and get overworked, emotional, confused, insecure, fear others are out to get them. All these neurotic things and a tendency to live in denial happens when we're not in tune and don't have a purpose. Dig deep and start asking yourself if you're heading in a direction in other areas of your life where you're happy and content. Some of them are easy to fix. Maybe it's a matter of joining an interest group to keep you motivated, alert and more in tune with your creative self. Other times it's about a career change and doing the homework and legwork finishing some added schooling or upgrading your skills. If it's your health or body image, speak to the right doctors and specialists and stop putting things on the back burner.

    It's up from here but I think you need to want that for yourself.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are not dating him, no less in a relationship with him if he lives this nearby and has only seen you 5 times in 2 years. You can date/have sex with whoever you want and so can he. You need to dump this situation.

    Block and delete him from all messaging apps and dating apps and social media. Spend time getting away from the screen and meeting men in real life who are ready, willing and able to date you...and who are single. Wait until you have the exclusive conversation before you have sex and do not have unprotected sex.

    Yes if you hooked up 5 times get to a doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist while getting tested for STDs and getting education on safe sex. Ask a trusted adult about dating and relationships and stop cyber-stalking this guy.
    Originally Posted by Chelsea54
    I want to know if he has been with other women. it’s time for a trip to the Dr to test for everything. A

  9. #18
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    I'm so sorry this happened to you but I also must say I'm shocked that you allowed this to go on and thought you couldn't do better. Are you struggling to meet men? It sounds like you have low self-esteem. I live in a big city and I often travel 1+ hours (even by car) to my friends and did for my partners too. One hour is nothing to travel for a relationship! How can you be so naive to think that someone is "too busy" to see you more than five times in two years??! Seeing other women aside, when someone never wants to see you, that means they're not into you. It's very simple, people that want to see you will make the effort. He wasn't far from you at all! One hour is not a big deal if you like someone. I always travel that far even just for friends. I honestly don't think this man thought seriously about you at all. Consider it a blessing you found him out and that it's over! DO NOT go back to him. He doesn't care about you and it's very clear.

  10. #19
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    This man sounds like he is married.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This man sounds like he is married.
    I had the feeling he was doing the Cory whatshisname thing of establishing via internet sites a group of intimate lady friends, without committing to any one of them.

    But, yes he could be married.

    Either way, the OP should shirtfront him and find out what is going on.

    And probably drop kick him into touch, when she does.

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