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Thread: I wish I had someone that would get to know me before they judged me

  1. #1

    I wish I had someone that would get to know me before they judged me

    .. I was having a discussion with a family friend I've known since I was young. She is a friend of my grandmother's. She started discussing about me looking into getting disability for myself, it kind of upset me that she would even bring it up. I explained to her that I didn't want to be labelled, like cool free money but if I have the ability to work and enjoy doing so why would I take an easy route. That's just not me.. I don't deny that something is wrong but we all have problems, I'm not losing my marbles it's not impacting me as a person. I would love some therapy just to explain what hell I've been through these last 28 years maybe some medicine to help me focus. I've endured a life worth of abuse and I think that has impacted me more than some "disability"

    No one understands the impact of being raised by a narcissist if they themselves have never endured it, my grandmother is a different person in public. No one gets to see the real monster she is behind closed doors. So it really struck me when she started discussing things that my grandmother tells me. Ive been thinking about it all day long honestly. The idea that people base me off of what an actual crazy person has told them and then discussing it with me or about me.

    Then I explained to her the amount of abuse and being held back I've endured she brings up my child's dad saying it was his fault and said let's be real "boys" hold us back. I'm like but I'm not even focused on men at this moment I'm looking to build up so I can get the hell out of this loop I'm stuck in. My family is so damn toxic as is , why would a practical stranger feel the need to discuss my life and what I need to do with it... I feel so judged and hated, yet misunderstood because no one gets to know the person I am. My grandma acts like she's living through me, I can't ever talk on my own or speak up for myself. She tells everyone my business


    These are all ploys to make herself look like the victim, then to everyone else I look like a spoiled brat but behind closed doors I'm called all types of ,es, fat, lowlife druggie when I don't even do drugs. She doesn't believe I can do anything for myself and ruined it for me the one time I did to prove I needed her. I hate narcissist, I hate the way they destroy people and their families.


    I'm fed tf up. Everyone treats me the same I can't wait for the day I can leave this state, some people's families aren't good for them and mine is a perfect example of that.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There's a good journal section of the forum. You can always let off steam journaling in there but the moderators have rules. You can check them out under Forum Rules in the tab above. It can be a way for you to track how you feel and keep any goals (personal or otherwise) that you might have in mind for yourself and your child in the new year for example.

    Do you have a particular question in mind regarding your situation?

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    This is a good place to vent and get some feedback.

    But, can I say at the outset, it is no substitute for some proper therapy, which you say you want to have.

    Do you talk to your grandmother's friend often, or ever confide in her? You say she is a "practical stranger" but you seem to have known her for many years. Did this lady approach you out of the blue?

    It sounds like this friend of your grandmother is suggesting that your child's father is the cause of some problems, not your grandmother. Regardless of the cause, starting some therapy sounds like a good idea because you sound quite angry in your OP.

    Do you live with your grandmother? How old is your child?

    You say you are looking to "build up" and get out. Do you have a plan in place to gather together the financial resources to get a place of your own away from your grandmother?

  4. #4
    Thanks for replying, She was a neighbor that became friends with my grandma years ago when i was little, i rarely talk with her nor confided in her basically she listens to everything my grandmother says about me. So she came out of the blue with the discussion once my grandmother left us alone. She's right about my child's dad but my biggest problem is the relationship I have with my grandmother, she raised me and has made it where I'm completely dependent on her for everything. I once had everything together in life but I allowed her in and she took over everything because I was failing financially and I did need her but she used that as a method of control. She uses the fact I live with her as a way to justify her abuse.

    I do live with her now , my child is 2 and has some developmental delays

    Things should be getting better now that I'll be getting financial assistance for my baby, I have a few plans set up but Im afraid my grandma is going to find some way to mess it up for us. Fingers crossed it won't happen... I really hope to get therapy so I won't feel alone while going through all this.

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  6. #5
    Thanks for the info, I hope not to use this often...


    I guess my question would be how do you leave a toxic life behind for good ?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're going through this, Philflames.

    I agree with others regarding professional therapy.

    I hope you are planning an exit strategy. If not out of state, at least faraway with permanent boundaries.

    Whenever anyone gossips or bad mouths others to me, I am the judge regarding what I wish to believe or not. If someone spreads rumors to me, I'm less apt to believe them because I have a mind of my own and I can discern for myself. In fact, the more they criticize a person behind their back, the more wary and jaded I feel towards the person giving me this tawdry information. Why? Because they're gossiping about me behind my back. I don't trust them.

    Know you are your own person and you don't have to prove anything to anybody. I hope you can escape soon somehow.

    I agree with you, narcissism is horrible. It's a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure. I know a few narcissists in my life and I just stay faraway from them. Unfortunately, our paths cross several times a year and after that, I revert to living a normal, content life again.

  8. #7
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    Ok, I see what you are saying - you became dependent on your grandma financially, and she used that as weapon to try and control you.

    Not necessarily narcissistic (a label too often thrown around) though, it could simply be a type of obsessive control behavior.

    Firstly, forget about the neighbour - if she comes at you again tell her its not her business.

    Secondly, work on your plans without giving any information about them to your grandma.

    If you are working and earning, and your grandma is doing some child-minding for free, you may as well make use of it while it is there.

  9. #8
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    Do you have a job? Does the father of the child give support? Can't you move to another place? Does your grandmother watch your child?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    What do they perceive is your disability?

    ETA - do you mean disability for your child? If so while Iím sure they are trying to help youíre right, itís not actual income to live off of. Itís to help with raising him.

    I had an abusive parent too. I slept in my car rather than went back. I refused to go back, people do get it, childhood scars have a ripple affect.

    But the reality is you accepted her help then resented her. Justified or not, Iím not saying you arenít but she did help you, she is currently helping you. You are 28, you are capable of caring for yourself. Capable of walking away from toxicity, itís actually not that hard. Youíre dramatizing it way more than necessary, simply walk away, you have to be independent first. You arenít an angsty 14 year old, youíre a grown woman with a child. Make a plan, execute it. I wish you luck. One day at a time, it will be hard but worth it.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 12-14-2019 at 02:09 AM.

  11. #10
    Member simple cure's Avatar
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    I can relate, my mom is like this, behind closed doors she's a very different person than who she presents herself as, it's very deliberate and calculated, however I have been out from under her thumb for many years, it didn't undo the toxic seeds she planted but, as time goes by I can see how small insignificant and fearful her reality is, my hope is that anyone living in that situation can find a way out, and distance themselves from all of it.
    Keep planning, make your hope a reality, dream bigger and better than what she says of you, leave it behind and live the good life with your child.
    Someday you will surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you, like you, and support your dreams. These people will be in your past.

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