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Thread: I wish I had someone that would get to know me before they judged me

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Are you working? Going to school? Do you support yourself? Does your child's father pay child support? The only one "labeling you" is yourself. Other people are making suggestions based on your complaints to them about your life, your parents etc.

    If you can work, work if not you would be wise to get to a doctor and get some help. Family are not therapists or doctors.
    Originally Posted by Philflames
    She started discussing about me looking into getting disability for myself, it kind of upset me that she would even bring it up. I explained to her the amount of abuse and being held back I've endured she brings up my child's dad

  2. #12
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    “I explained to her that I didn't want to be labelled, like cool free money but if I have the ability to work and enjoy doing so why would I take an easy route. That's just not me..”

    Yet then you say “I was failing financially and I did need her”

    You sound so ungrateful. This woman raised you. You are responsible as an adult and a mother for providing a roof over your and your kids head. Just as she did for you. You failed to do that independently. Your grandmother is still providing and you are on here berating her for that.

    You ARE taking the easy route.
    And here complaining about it???

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Philflames
    Thanks for the info, I hope not to use this often...


    I guess my question would be how do you leave a toxic life behind for good ?
    I understand you situation a little because my mom was one of those people who was only crazy behind closed doors. So if I act up, the rest of the family and family friends are like, "Why's Jibralta such an assh*le?"

    It's maddening, yes.

    What can you do? Well, I went to therapy for years. I did that whenever I could. Talking to someone helped.

    Another thing that helped was journaling. That actually helped a lot. So, don't limit yourself from journaling.

    A third thing that helped was getting away, finding normal friends, having normal coworkers and a job where I had responsibility and the opportunity to make good decisions.

    Also, having a kind, supportive boyfriend is also extremely helpful. When you are raised in an abusive environment with skewed relationships, it can be difficult to identify healthy boundaries. But journaling and talking to others will help you to do this.

  4. #14
    Yeah I was with my partner 2 years ago raising our child, being that he has special needs and his dad not being involved since we broke up its taken a huge toll on me financially. I was working and had daycare set up but my son was constantly getting sick and me being the only parent meant I had to stop working full time and made my reliability as an employee slim. Eventually I lost my job.

    Also my grandmother lost her place and needed somewhere to stay for 2 weeks she ended up staying for much longer and used finances as a way to control my place, my son's dad was struggling to make ends meet on his own. She took over completely and was constantly in our relationship we eventually broke up not even a month of her being there. She would threaten me saying if he stayed she would leave so I chose her over him being that I had better chance to stay afloat. Being that i had to be home with my son because he requires alot of patience and energy. I don't make the kind of money for a good quality babysitter to pay for the amount of things she will have to deal with. Finding a decent daycare for free is hard too they require more teachers while he's there. My baby is a handful and I hate feeling like a burden because even as his mom its way too much for me at times.

    She also left after making things a lot worse than they were. I was left alone with the baby. His dad and I weren't on the best of terms prior to her coming in and it just made the situation a lot worse once she got there. I haven't been able to get my life back on track since then.

    I don't mean to sound ungrateful I love my grandma but she has made life hell on earth I would've rather went into foster care.

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  6. #15
    No, I'm hoping to get disability for him soon she was saying get some for myself too.

    Yes before I had my son, I did everything in my power to keep my independence. I had my own place and worked 2-3 jobs. I didnt ask her for anything knowing how she is.

    It's been really hard she was so overbearing, and didn't want anyone to be independent she doesn't even let my grandfather do anything she controls everything and I was 22 still letting her control me. I was afraid to leave knowing I would be alone and barely knew a lick of anything about the real world. I never had a social life, didn't have any confidence. So even though I'm 28 mentally im probably younger. This is what happens when you've been severely abused and deprived of independence. Everytime I find independence it falls through again it's never ending struggling. Being my age especially people expect a lot more from you but I live life mostly confused and overwhelmed. Still learning things I should've known in my teens

  7. #16
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    ‘Still learning things I should have learned in my teens’

    Like birth control?

    Look, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but you claim arrested development while you had a live in boyfriend who knocked you up even though apparently the both of you barely took care of yourselves. Those are adult choices, grandmas control must not have been that dang strong.

    You chose her over your boyfriend because she had the money.

    Let’s not tip toe around that fact.

    You made choices.

    Your grandmother is going to be who she is, that doesn’t excuse you from being who you’ve been. If you don’t recognize that, you will forever be in this cycle where you view yourself as a helpless victim.

    YOU have to choose to cut ties.

  8. #17
    Okay I admit Ive made poor choices, then I wasn't as self aware as I am now. I definitely realized I put myself in this situation. It's easy to continue a pattern out of comfort or thinking you deserve a lot less than you do.

    I couldve cared less if she paid anything, more so because she's my family I felt I was doing the right thing, she raised me and that guilt is what keeps me tied to her like I owe her something for taking me in when I was a child,

    I feel like you're kind of basing my situation off of the fact you were strong enough to walk away. That's the only jerk vibe I'm getting. Not everyone is as mentally strong or capable. You figured it out and got away when you had the chance. I'm still trying to.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to stand up for yourself and go to social services and appropriate doctors for documentation for your son. You also need to go to court and secure child support for your son. That is not labeling, that is common sense survival and ascertaining financial independence from family you don't like..Stand up for yourself and your son and stop blaming everything on this grandmother. If you depend on her financially or for child care, then you have to interact with her.
    Originally Posted by Philflames
    I was with my partner 2 years ago raising our child, being that he has special needs and his dad not being involved since we broke up its taken a huge toll on me financially. I lost my job. I was left alone with the baby. His dad and I weren't on the best of terms

  10. #19
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    Why haven't you taken him to court for support?

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