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Thread: Grief and feelings for partner

  1. #1

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    Grief and feelings for partner

    Hi everyone,

    I've never posted in anything like this before.

    I've been with my partner for 12 years now. Not married and no kids, in our mid/late 30's. We've always had a great relationship and still do. Both of us are really close to his aunty and she has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I've been really upset about this and am finding it hard. For the last few months I have been getting on and off feelings that I don't want to be with him any more. I don't know where these feelings have come from and seem to have intensified since the diagnosis. But then I go back to feeling my normal self and love him dearly.

    I lost my dad when I was young. I don't know whether all of this has triggered some deep feelings and is messing with my head. I find the feelings of no t wanting to be with him upsetting because I really think I do but then the feelings are there of not wanting to be with him in the forefront of my mind. Like I have to battle them daily.

    Help?! Any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you have repressed trauma from losing your dad when you were young. We all react differently when facing death or death of loved ones. I'm sorry to hear about his aunt. This period will pass and you'll pass into another period of celebration (celebration of her life, remembering her and paying your last respects). It's that ebb and flow of life. Find strength if you have faith in a higher power or don't be afraid to speak with a counselor for grief and for family members of those in palliative care. I would speak to the hospital or the care facility where she is or speak with your boyfriend. Speak with each other about how you feel.

    Do you have any other issues in your relationship that you might have been putting on the back burner? When there are ill family members we often push our own problems aside to make room for the immense pain and suffering of others. You may have been so supportive that you aren't realizing how much you've put your own thoughts to the side. Again, speak with your partner about any of your thoughts or concerns. I wouldn't bring up the idea of leaving or breaking up if you have the remotest feeling that you may be dealing with something else.

  3. #3

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    Hi Rose,

    Thank you for replying. Yes I think you have a point about my dad. He suddenly dropped dead at aged 42 and as a 10 year I saw it all happen. It was traumatic and I've never really unpacked those feelings.

    My partner and I are a great match! We want the same things in life, we are good people and there is still a spark/flirty nature to our relationship. We have everything we need/want. Which is why these feelings are so confusing.

    I can access a counseling service through work so I'll give that a try. I feel like I need to talk to someone to work through these feelings. I want to talk to my partner about it but I feel it's the wrong time due to his sick aunt and I also don't know how to tell him! "Hi hon, I feel like I don't like you any more but then I go back to feeling normal and like you again." It would break his heart and put a rift in the relationship that could be irreparable, which I don't want.

    Thanks again, your reply helped.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry, Loo.

    I too lost my father at a young age.

    I agree with Rose regarding counseling. Don't do anything you'll regret given your partner and you are a good match! Don't discard him so readily otherwise when you feel remorseful later, often times a partner will not take you back after bitter acrimony.

    Don't dwell on his sick aunt. Sure, have compassion but don't be obsessed over her because it's unhealthy for the terminally ill aunt to consume your thoughts during every waking hour.

    Know that relationships or marriages have their lulls, ups and downs. Life happens. Think of daily peace and your future in order to think logically and sensibly. Make each day count and be grateful for what you have such as a great man in your life which is akin to winning the lotto IMHO. There are too many jerks out there in society so if you have a keeper, hang onto him tight and never let him go. Don't allow muddling thoughts entertain your brain. If you have a good guy in your life, appreciate him and feel grateful otherwise some other lucky lady will have no problem snatching him up.

    I'm sorry you lost your dad when you were young. I did, too but I don't let my dad's premature death dictate how my life is today which is a happy marriage and two great sons.

    Learn to count your daily blessings and you will become a happier person, Loo. You ought to try it. I asked my mother what her secret to happiness was and said, "Be grateful for everything." I'll never forget her words. Think: "GRATITUDE."

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I sort of bumbled around and "counselled" myself through it. I can tell you though that the idea of having a hotline or a 24.7 (someone there 24 hrs) access to help was extremely helpful. Just the idea of knowing that there was someone there on the other side of a line if I called a number calmed me a lot in my worst moments or when I felt like I was losing control/couldn't pull myself together. It's normal for your thoughts to be jumbled and a mix of emotions. I am so sorry that you had to see your father pass so suddenly like that. Have you tried revisiting his memory or your childhood memories with him in it? I'd encourage you to think about the counselling through your company or employer. It's a good start.

    There's no time like the present. It's good to check in with yourself every now and then. It sounds like parts of you want to be heard and that is ok. I also did not speak about a lot of what I thought or felt with my husband (we were dating at the time). What's the point? It's not like he could take away what I was feeling. I did pull myself together though during our times together to check in with him and ask him how he was. I think he was afraid to bring things up or might have felt he wasn't allowed to talk about anything for fear of hurting me. I didn't like that. We had out with it and I think it helped him also and eventually relieved whatever might have been weighing on us. Have faith and work through that sadness and confusion. Glad to hear your relationship is going well too.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. This isn't about his aunt or your father. It's about general vague unhappiness in the relationship that usually gets swept away until you feel faced with something. Why are you afraid to end things or move thing to a direction you want them to be going in? It sounds like you are coasting along complacently but not happy or contented. You need to learn to talk honestly with each other.
    Originally Posted by Loo
    I've been with my partner for 12 years now. Not married and no kids, in our mid/late 30's. For the last few months I have been getting on and off feelings that I don't want to be with him any more.


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