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Thread: Husband's Sister is Disrespectful Toward Me

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I think you need to ask yourself why you take her behavior personally. A lot of times we do this when in reality how a person behaves has absolutely nothing to do with us.

    I also think you need to change your mindset around being entitled to her love and affection just because you are "still around"... this isn't enough of a reason for someone to like you.

    I think people often expect friends and family members to go out of their way to love and accept us as partners / girlfriends but they aren't required to do so.

    The reality is that maybe it's who she is, or maybe she has a legitimate reason for not wanting to get close to you. Whatever the circumstance, you will find it easier if you let go of the idea of having a relationship with her, and just focus on being a good person and a good partner to your boyfriend.

    Go to the family event, be polite and helpful, and don't focus so much on how you are feeling but on how you are building more intimacy in your relationship.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Do you get along with your family? Just visit them.
    Yep, my husband and I are extremely close with my parents and we drive 6 hours to visit them almost every month (usually per his request, as he is incredibly close with my father).

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Other than the age gap is there any other reason she might feel disrespectful towards you e.g. did he cheat on his ex to get with you or was there a great financial disparity making her feel that you may be a gold digger? Why were you so nervous to meet her? Was there anything to feel guilty of? Regardless, you need to agree with your husband on some boundaries regarding having to babysit her children without notice. He chose to marry you and you are now his family. You need to tell him your feelings and find some middle ground.

  4. #14
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by greeksalad
    Yep, my husband and I are extremely close with my parents and we drive 6 hours to visit them almost every month (usually per his request, as he is incredibly close with my father).
    Thatís great then.

    Look, I hate my in-laws too and them me but I married my husband for better or worse, for forever so I am polite regardless. My husband is not about to divorce his family or bust their chops... so I am polite for his sake and our sonís sake but I am not required to love them.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You are definitely in tough spot if the entire family is insufferable.

    I guess it just comes dow to what you and your husband can compromise on.

    That's the important relationship here.

  7. #16
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    Thank you for your response - he told me about a year ago, when I asked him about her behavior toward me, that she said I was too young. After I heard that, I was discouraged, so I decided to take initiative and invite her to drinks to get to know her better. I thought it went well, but when the night was over, she went right back to treating me the same.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok so you know why she has a bad attitude. Your husband won't do more to smooth things? It's odd your husband just stands there with his thumb up his butt letting them be nasty to you.

    His family sounds like they are from a different culture and a few generations difference. Just bear with them since he insists on being with them.

    As far as the sister, stop trying to impress her. Stop trying to be her pal. She has a mindset you can't change or fix.
    Originally Posted by greeksalad
    I asked him about her behavior toward me, that she said I was too young. After I heard that, I was discouraged, so I decided to take initiative and invite her to drinks to get to know her better. I thought it went well, but when the night was over, she went right back to treating me the same.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Sometimes you don't get along with the husbands' family. All you can is steer clear of them, at least as much as possible. That's kind of hard when they just waltz in the front door without knocking. But not impossible. You could always leave the house while she's there. go shopping or something.

    I would talk to your husband about it. Don't argue though, that will only make you look like the bad guy.

    I would not go to your husbands' parents house next week either.

    Sometimes you have to use tough love. Maybe your husband and sister in law will have a talk, and she'll change her tune. Maybe if it's her idea, she'll start treating you better.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    She's your SIL. She doesn't have to be your friend. There's not much your husband can do to force her to chat and giggle with you. It's always nice if everyone's chummy, but it often doesn't work out that way. Honestly, it's only a 45 minute drive. Worst she does is ignore you. Sounds like you'll be back home that evening. I'd just get it over with, check it off the list, and pour myself a drink afterward.

    I mean, if your husband's not a huge fan of his family himself, I'm sure he wouldn't flip his **** if you decided you didn't want to go (assuming you weren't asking him to refrain as well). But if your goal is to ever get in their good graces, your absence would just validate their feeling of you being alien. In their heads, the marriage is probably temporary. By no means is it guaranteed, but it's often the case that it'll take time and enough presence for it to finally sink in that you'll likewise be a part of their lives for the long-haul.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm a bit confused - when she comes over she appears to ignore you but do you stand there mum? There's a visitor in your house (that's your property) and it's your responsibility to appear gracious and hospitable to those that step through your threshold. That's just my belief. I would never allow someone to come in without being addressed especially if that person is coming across the country to visit. Whether you like her or not, it's your house, your rules. I'd start by creating a better sense of boundaries in your home and taking ownership of your own space. This might help you feel more empowered or proactive also and less helpless around her. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who also have a sense of entitlement. Just be assertive without being rude and start behaving more like you actually live there.

    If she continues to ignore you, ask her questions about her trip and appear a bit more interested in her as a person. I think it's a two-way street unfortunately. You can't make anyone like you but you can be more likeable yourself or give others less of a reason to ignore you. I think she doesn't respect you because you appear not to make much of an effort with her around and that can be interpreted as rude for some people. There's a misunderstanding there, it seems, regarding roles in your home.

    If you respect her or envy her in some way or are insecure as the others have hinted at, it might also come across in a negative way. Most people aren't too generous when they sense negativity. Most people won't give you the benefit of the doubt and think that you're just shy or wanting someone else to make the first move. People do tend to think the worst of others especially when it comes to expectations within family. That's just the nature of things.

    Take it all with a grain of salt, I think. I'd personally go out and spend time with the in-laws. I've found the most challenging, irritating connections and friendships have eventually turned out to be the most rewarding too because it means I had to stretch my brain to see the other side or understand other people I wouldn't normally understand in my day to day ongoings. I agree with reinvent also about letting her to her own devices. If she really does have an attitude problem, you'll know then that it's not you - it's her. Enjoy and happy holidays!

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