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Thread: Commitment issues

  1. #1

    Commitment issues

    Hi,
    So I recently started officially dating my boyfriend. He's a really nice guy who genuinely cares about me and my feelings and I think he's hilarious. However I find myself one day being really excited about dating him and the next being so worried about it and not wanting it to be a thing, but then wanting him in my life the next day and then not again. I am thinking this is because of commitment issues and I'm also wondering if I am not actually as interested as I think I am. I also kind of get embarrassed by him in social settings with my friends and his because he is loud and kind of silly. However this I believe is because I am self conscious and worried what every one thinks. It's really stressing me out and I would love to hear from others if this is something you have experienced and if so how did you deal with it? Even if you haven't I would just like some advice.
    Thanks in advance :)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive or both seeing/having sex with others? You seem to think he's beneath you and your friends so let the poor guy go so he can find who cares more about him and is secure and genuine. Try to find someone else, who you don't look down on.

    If your friends are a bunch of snobs let this guy find someone who else is not as stuck up or worried about what their image is in front of a bunch of stuck up people..
    Originally Posted by islandliving
    I'm also wondering if I am not actually as interested as I think I am. I also kind of get embarrassed by him in social settings with my friends

  3. #3
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    He sounds great!!
    Caring, funny, sociable.
    But you are not interested in him. Thatís ok!

    Let him go , because someone else out there would love to be with him and be proud of him.

    Stop messing him around and be honest with him. He deserves that.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by islandliving
    Hi,
    So I recently started officially dating my boyfriend. He's a really nice guy who genuinely cares about me and my feelings and I think he's hilarious. However I find myself one day being really excited about dating him and the next being so worried about it and not wanting it to be a thing, but then wanting him in my life the next day and then not again. I am thinking this is because of commitment issues and I'm also wondering if I am not actually as interested as I think I am. I also kind of get embarrassed by him in social settings with my friends and his because he is loud and kind of silly. However this I believe is because I am self conscious and worried what every one thinks. It's really stressing me out and I would love to hear from others if this is something you have experienced and if so how did you deal with it? Even if you haven't I would just like some advice.
    Thanks in advance :)
    I don't think it's as fancy/psychological as "commitment issues" - you simply are confusing someone being "nice" and caring toward you and funny as equaling you being into him romantically. I would not overthink this. For me the test is - do these doubts rock you to the core or are they resolvable, fleeting - sort of like when I'm annoyed at my husband because I'm cranky and/or hangry for some minor thing he did, I can easily tell myself without it becoming a huge thing "calm down, you're hangry, he's annoying but so are you" - but on the other hand when I had serious doubts about my ex boyfriend I'd feel panicky, anxious, rocked to the core, wondering whether to end things and overthinking - and it would hang over me like a cloud and I'd want him to reassure me but of course he shouldn't need to and couldn't.
    Basically he embarrasses you to an extent that is too much of a turn off romantically - you worry what everyone thinks because that is what you're like and certainly you can work on yourself but trying to rationalize "ok I won't care what anyone thinks because he's awesome and that's all that matters" is just a short term bandaid. Like, I know for a fact and I'm sure that people think my husband is short (he is!) and that that's a negative (some do think this), and other "flaws" and even though I care too much about what people think in those situations I don't give a flying ___ - he's my guy, I chose him, we're a couple, we're together. The end. Way back when we dated in our early 30s though he did embarrass me and I found him too silly also and insecure/awkward - not "manly" enough. You know what happened? We broke our engagement and got back together after almost 8 years apart. I could have walked down the aisle and rationalized. I am sure we would have divorced. When we got back together we had different -better! - chemistry -we clicked more, we'd both changed.

    Don't disregard the doubts if they rock you to the core. If you're not reasonably excited and sure to be with this person, if you don't have a strong enough sense of internal security about him that loud/silly/embarrassing gestures can make you rethink the entire relationship then leave him and let him find someone who finds those qualities endearing or at the very least can brush them aside as "Oh that's just John".

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there.

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  6. #5
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    The fact that you're embarrassed by him is not great. You don't really sound interested in this guy.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    How long have you known him/been dating?

    It's normal to wonder if you want to stay with him the first 18 to 24 months.

    But when it comes to love, actions are king.......people vote with their feet..... you are still there. I'll bet you are not going anywhere.

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    It sounds like you might not be super interested. Maybe tell him that you'd like to take a step back if you don't feel ready to let go commit the way he might be ready to. You sound very sweet and like you have only good intentions, but leading someone on can end up hurting them much more than letting them go at this stage. Good luck! :)

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You sound nervous and that can be very stressful. Relax and let things unfold. Being embarrassed about your partner in social settings means a lot of discomfort for you. Now is the getting to know you phase so get to know each other better. Don't be surprised if you rub off on each other over time.

    I'd also explore maybe a twinge of jealousy or envy because he's so comfortable with your friends or seems to be the life of the party (loud and silly). If there's any alcohol involved, put things in perspective.

    I agree with the others - cut him loose if it's not right for you or if you consistently feel like you're competing with him during your time with your friends and family. This is a bit distracting and inappropriate and he may not be very self-aware or considerate of you. Everything is perspective so look at the big picture. If this is a new relationship, don't rush into overanalyzing every little detail at first. Limit your time together if you're smothering each other or spending too much time together. Take time outs and days just for you and don't stick to a constant routine every week. Change things up.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You sound nervous and that can be very stressful. Relax and let things unfold. Being embarrassed about your partner in social settings means a lot of discomfort for you. Now is the getting to know you phase so get to know each other better. Don't be surprised if you rub off on each other over time.

    I'd also explore maybe a twinge of jealousy or envy because he's so comfortable with your friends or seems to be the life of the party (loud and silly). If there's any alcohol involved, put things in perspective.

    I agree with the others - cut him loose if it's not right for you or if you consistently feel like you're competing with him during your time with your friends and family. This is a bit distracting and inappropriate and he may not be very self-aware or considerate of you. Everything is perspective so look at the big picture. If this is a new relationship, don't rush into overanalyzing every little detail at first. Limit your time together if you're smothering each other or spending too much time together. Take time outs and days just for you and don't stick to a constant routine every week. Change things up.
    Agree.......

  11. #10
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    Has it been awhile since you dated someone? Iím just asking because Iím wondering if you really want to date someone and youíre excited about dating someone but you just donít want to date him? How long have you been dating?

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