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Her love letters weren't hers...


MaybeThen

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Ok, you guys. Short backstory: Met a girl while she was vacationing in my country, she had just broken up with her bf that day, but we hit it off, she was overly affectionate with me, and within 5 days I told her I loved her. We said we were one another's soul mates, we would post love letters back and forth to one another, and things like that. She ended up coming back to my country 4 months later to spend time with me. We had a blast! We have an 18 year age difference between us, she is 30. None of her accounts online are suspicious in any way and she is very much a real person (the first time she was here I met her family members who she was traveling with, and they all have online accounts connected to hers). I posted about the full story in another thread if you are curious to read it.

 

One letter in particular she sent me was very moving, it was about 60 words long, and professed her love for me, and how we are soul mates; I was the first one to introduce this idea into our relationship and I thought she felt the same. This was one of the letters that I really felt showed how deeply she loved me. But a couple of days ago, I found that exact letter, word for word, on a mildly "internet-famous" person's social media account. It was a love letter that person had written for their partner! My gf had copied and pasted it to me as if she wrote it especially for me. I've spent the last couple of days under the weather upon finding this out.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. When I first read it I knew for sure I must break up with her, and I felt betrayed. I felt I was really a rebound and she was just posting me whatever nonsense she could find to keep me hooked, filling her voids with my affection and a fantasy of romance, using someone else's words to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear. But after some days have passed, I feel like maybe she had read that and thought of me and it was the most accurate way for her to express her feelings for me, and so she sent me it. Kind of like how a greeting card already has the sentiment inside? Or, that she just didn't know how to express her feelings perfectly in that way so borrowed it from somewhere else. She had posted it in response to a social media post I made for her for our 2nd month anniversary.

 

As of now, I am still active in the relationship because I am not sure of what really is going on here, she sends me text messages throughout the day about how much she misses me and wishes she could be here with me so I lean towards this not being sinister in nature BUT there's still the very real fact in my mind that she told her ex she wanted to try again in the future, which naturally sheds some doubt on her believing we are "soul mates." Though, we have begun tagging any social media posts regarding us as "soulmates." I am split between 3 things. (1) Cutting contact, unlikely (2) Being present but understanding she may ghost me at any time, probable (3) Realizing that maybe she was confused the first couple of months due to her breakup and made some choices that could appear bad, but actually represented her deep feelings for me. Most likely

 

One thing that consistently goes through my mind is the possibility that even if in the beginning I was a rebound, or she was over-exaggerating to fill a void, she very well may now be falling for me in spite of earlier poor choices. I now understand we moved very fast, and maybe she just did not have a handle on it, but people can fall in love over time. If I just assume she is using me and I break up with her, I will miss out on a budding relationship.

 

What do you think?

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Anyone who dates the day they broke up is a rebound. Maybe in a rare case it doesn't STAY just a rebound, but you can't call the start anything but that.

 

The entire idea of soulmates, falling in love quickly, and a social media based romance, is juvenile stuff. From her and from you. It's not based in the real world, and eventually, you have to come down to earth. The whole idea of who this woman is to you is just a story in your head that you've been telling herself, loosely based on the stories that she was presenting which also were not based in fact.

 

"she was over-exaggerating to fill a void"

 

You won't believe me because of the loss that you are feeling. There is a concept in psychology called loss aversion. We are more likely to cling to a bad thing we are scared to lose than go looking for a good thing to gain. But the truth of the matter is that YOU were also over-exaggerating your feelings to fill the void in your own life. When you are alone for a long time, and a chance comes along that smells like the real thing, of course you are going to jump into it and do everything you can to puff it up and make it seem like your life has finally turned a major corner. I've been there. You won't be able to see it for a long while, but there will come a time you look back on this encounter and realize that, while you may have turned a corner, the relationship you had wasn't really all that.

 

It was the idealized nonsense you needed at the time to shake up your status quo.

 

Take a look at your reaction to finding out the letter was faked. 1. "Such betrayal, I need to break up!" 2. "But wait, maybe she just meant these things but couldn't tell me them herself?" 3. "Yes, that MUST be it. She actually has really deep feelings for me that even she can't understand or express!"

 

You saw the reality, and then you talked yourself into the fantasy again. Because of your fear of letting go. Because before her you were alone. And if you let this go, you will be alone again. And maybe, you'll never find another.

 

Your option 1 of cutting contact is the only way to get out of this tug of war you are having between your dreams and your reality.

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Well the last thread you made that was removed straight away was you telling the forum that they were all right and she was just scamming you and all the things she SAID you have found on the internet and she was basically just saying it all parrot fashion ......now it is letters ! hmmm

 

First of all, that thread was posted when my emotions were extremely high, the very MOMENT I found the letter, I never said "all the things she said I found on the internet." That's ridiculous, we had many conversations in real time, on the phone, face time, text, you name it. It was a letter that I found, and yes, in the MOMENT, I felt scammed. But now I am cooled down and I feel it was completely unfair of me to use the word "scam" and now after reflecting, I feel differently about the situation.

 

I've already spoken to a moderator about the thread you referenced - Please don't try to invent conspiracy theories around my situation because I am genuinely asking for advice. It was removed because it was a continuation of the old thread that was locked for a couple of reasons. They said I could post a follow up here regarding a potential breakup.

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But the truth of the matter is that YOU were also over-exaggerating your feelings to fill the void in your own life. When you are alone for a long time, and a chance comes along that smells like the real thing, of course you are going to jump into it and do everything you can to puff it up and make it seem like your life has finally turned a major corner.

 

I can't argue with this. I've been alone for over 10 years, and when she came to me I did everything to cement her to me. I won't say that I didn't. The early "I love yous," and telling her we are soul mates, and eventually saying I wanted to spend my life with her. I did do all of those things out of a fear of losing her because I knew it was too good to be true; but I also let myself believe everything and it's hard to cope with the fact that maybe she cares so little about me that she had to copy and paste someone else's reality to me.

 

I think somewhere I know this has to end and I have to cut it off, but I struggle with the idea that yes it was a rebound, but maybe she's falling in love with me. And if I truly cut it off, then I will miss out on that slight chance.

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First of all, that thread was posted when my emotions were extremely high, the very MOMENT I found the letter, I never said "all the things she said I found on the internet." That's ridiculous, we had many conversations in real time, on the phone, face time, text, you name it. It was a letter that I found, and yes, in the MOMENT, I felt scammed. But now I am cooled down and I feel it was completely unfair of me to use the word "scam" and now after reflecting, I feel differently about the situation.

 

I've already spoken to a moderator about the thread you referenced - Please don't try to invent conspiracy theories around my situation because I am genuinely asking for advice. It was removed because it was a continuation of the old thread that was locked for a couple of reasons. They said I could post a follow up here regarding a potential breakup.

 

You wrote that everyone had been right ( I wasn't part of the first thread ) and all the lines she used you had then read on the internet ....no conspiracy theories I think that's a bit too deep :eek:...simply saying what you wrote before you have just back tracked . Makes no odds to me mate ..hope you get the advice you need.

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You wrote that everyone had been right ( I wasn't part of the first thread ) and all the lines she used you had then read on the internet ....no conspiracy theories I think that's a bit too deep :eek:...simply saying what you wrote before you have just back tracked . Makes no odds to me mate ..hope you get the advice you need.

 

I don’t know exactly what I said, I was fuming mad at the time. Please keep the thread on track. Thanks!

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If I just assume she is using me and I break up with her, I will miss out on a budding relationship.

 

Well then, just keep doing what you're doing and wait it out. You want to stay, evidently, and while I would strongly discourage you from doing so, we can't change your mind either. In the end, the decision will likely taken out of your hands when she decides whether or not to go back to her ex or date somebody else altogether. I have a feeling you're going to learn that the hard way.

 

As in your last thread, nearly nobody here is going to tell you that this woman or your relationship is the real deal and has a legitimate chance of lasting. Where she sourced these love letters is of little importance in terms of lending validity to the relationship, or lack thereof. It's a red flag when taken together with everything else, of course, but it's not the real problem.

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This was a vacation fling, you are spending a great deal of time and effort ruminating about it replete with researching every word, photo and aspect of her life. You know she is insincere and back with her bf back home. The time you are wasting on this seems like backpedaling to relive things. Do not send her any money.

We have an 18 year age difference between us, she is 30.

I found that exact letter, word for word, on a mildly "internet-famous" person's social media account.

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This was one of the letters that I really felt showed how deeply she loved me. But a couple of days ago, I found that exact letter, word for word, on a mildly "internet-famous" person's social media account. It was a love letter that person had written for their partner! My gf had copied and pasted it to me

 

I suggest you drop some of the other things she sent you into google searches and see what comes back.

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I suggest you drop some of the other things she sent you into google searches and see what comes back.

 

I did and I didn’t find any other exact copy/paste hits. I even clicked on the link you told me to but it was just a bunch of random love images. I wasnt sure if there was something in particular I was looking for.

 

This was a vacation fling, you are spending a great deal of time and effort ruminating about it replete with researching every word, photo and aspect of her life.

A vacation fling that carried on for 4 months? And yes I’m trying to decipher everything because I felt confused and possibly deceived but didn’t want to walk away on assumptions. Anyway I found photos of her wrapped around and kissing her ex on the same day she sent me the “soulmate” letter

 

So I get it. I’m wrong. I just have to figure out how to end it or let it end on its own

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Ok, so let's go with this is real and she truly does love you and wants to spend her life with you.

Will you move to her or will she move to you?

 

She has made comments about wanting to live here. But at this point I understand I was foolish to even tell her I wanted to spend my life with her

 

As in your last thread, nearly nobody here is going to tell you that this woman or your relationship is the real deal and has a legitimate chance of lasting. Where she sourced these love letters is of little importance in terms of lending validity to the relationship, or lack thereof. It's a red flag when taken together with everything else, of course, but it's not the real problem.

I am not sure what the "real problem" is, just a compilation of all her red flags put together I guess. I've pretty much let go of the fantasy that this was something magical and real. And yes I held on to a small % of possibility it would turn real, but I now understand that's just a fantasy I had. I think I am going to slowly taper out of this.

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It has already ended, with her friend-zoning you, while attempting to keep you as an option.

 

Cut all contact with her.

 

This is the type of comment that sets me back into my circular reasoning. How did it end when just yesterday she posted another photo of us from our trips and captions as "I need you, I miss you" That is not something ending, that's something continuing.

 

But I've decided to taper out of this because it is kind of unlikely I will end up with her, maybe a slight chance like in a Disney movie where beauty and the beast end up together, but I am realizing this is not as real as I thought it was. I can't speak for the future, so maybe it will become real, but I don't want a broken heart so I will back out and see.

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But I've decided to taper out of this

 

Good decision.

 

To quote your other thread's opening post:

 

she told me that she has been in contact with her ex and there’s feelings there ... She told me that she really enjoys the time we spend together, that she likes the feeling, and wants to continue talking to me. But she said she can’t make any guarantees or promises

 

I suggest you "taper" at high pace.

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It was an 11 Day vacation fling, but she is back home with her bf. let it go.

A few months ago I met a girl in my country while she vacationed. She had broken up with her bf that same day. 3 days later we were telling each other we loved and missed one another. we’ve spent 11 days together total in person. I am 18 years older than her. She is 30.

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It was an 11 Day vacation fling, but she is back home with her bf. let it go.

 

No she’s not, she lives in a completely different locale to him as of a month ago. And you deliberately keep choosing to overlook the fact that we met 4 months ago and spent time together, then, 4 months later, she flew back out to see me. It was more than a “vacation fling”

 

It doesn’t matter, at this point we’re still speaking but I’ve backed off and don’t expect it to progress into anything more than a digital flirt session.

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No she’s not, she lives in a completely different locale to him as of a month ago. And you deliberately keep choosing to overlook the fact that we met 4 months ago and spent time together, then, 4 months later, she flew back out to see me. It was more than a “vacation fling”

 

It doesn’t matter, at this point we’re still speaking but I’ve backed off and don’t expect it to progress into anything more than a digital flirt session.

 

But you paid for her to fly back. You're leaving that part out. Plus you paid for everything and gave her free things from your family shop.

 

It's not like she took it upon herself to come see you and she paid her own travel expenses.

 

What is she doing now besides social media posts and electronic communication to move the relationship forward?

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What is she doing now besides social media posts and electronic communication to move the relationship forward?

 

Nothing. The posts have become more fantastical in nature, on both ends. Talk of escapism and running away together. So it’s all the more convinced I am that this is a fantasy that I misinterpreted.

 

Also, I don’t know if this is a coincidence but I realized that the “soulmate” romance talk and such she only does on my page which is completely private with a small amount of my friends. On her personal page the most she displays is “I miss you” and “I love you” and more general types of talk. It was only a “4 months together!!” on her page for our 4 month anniversary, but on my page she responds with intense love type poetic things. Before I would have said she was just private about it, but now I can see it’s probably that she doesn’t want to go that far in her personal public life, but on my page no one can see it but me and a couple friends.

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