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He is staring at other women


Bekigirl

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This might be a stupid problem but my boyfriend of 6 months keeps staring at other women and I have a problem with that. I have no insecurities and I like myself but I never had a guy do this to this extend; where he stops talking and can't concentrate... I feel this is how he is and I don't plan on yelling at him and trying to change this man in his 40s. My plan is not to see him few days, then hang out Saturday where there's people around. If after few days of not seeing me he is still focusing on other women, dump him. I really don't like telling people what to do I rather just break up. Is there any way to fix this without me lecturing a grown man on what's rude behaviour?

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Was it always like this for the past six months? Or did you have rose-coloured lenses and weren't ready to acknowledge it in the past few months? That's still a long while to tolerate someone with that kind of behaviour if you've found it so repulsive. I wouldn't lecture but if he asks why you don't feel the same way or why things fizzled out, you can just mention that your in-person chemistry didn't feel right after awhile and wish him all the best.

 

At 40 it's unlikely he hasn't already been told or hasn't had other people (friends or dates) mention that to him. He may even have some kind of short attention span or a disorder of some sort. Maybe he really is rude and has no manners. I understand you're annoyed. I'd let go of all that negative stuff and focus on you. If it's not working, make a clean break and move on with your life.

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I might be tempted to tell him once how incredibly rude, disrespectful and creepy he’s being - just to get it off my chest - lol!

 

I'd have to say something too, similar to what RedDress mentions above. I'd make a quick quip, just so they know I'm not oblivious, and then I'd cut him loose and walk.

 

It's obviously completely normal to notice other attractive people while in a relationship, but the fact that this guy stops mid-sentence to gawk in front of you is ridiculous and disrespectful.

 

If you call him out, he might not think there's anything wrong with it, but keep in mind that if he does just shrug it off and tell you "it's no big deal", this is a clear indicator that you two just aren't a match.

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There's two ways to look at it. Seeing you don't plan on sticking around anyway, why bother teaching how to be a better partner for the next person?

 

For me, if I made a remark, it wouldn't be with the intent of teaching him a lesson - it would be a cheeky, smarta$$ remark. I don't have the patience to teach anyone any lessons; nevermind a 40-something yr old man. But this is just my personality and how I am. To each their own.

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For me, if I made a remark, it wouldn't be with the intent of teaching him a lesson - it would be a cheeky, smarta$$ remark. I don't have the patience to teach anyone any lessons; nevermind a 40-something yr old man. But this is just my personality and how I am. To each their own.

 

Problem is then the guy would know how much you care about him -and for many people even negative attention is preferable to being ignored.

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When I was younger, yah, I probably wanted to get the last dig in.

 

Now, I just snicker of the thought of him doing the same to the next woman he dates.

 

He'll learn his lesson eventually. Just not on my watch.

 

I don't blame you, reinvent. Don't mind me, I'm just full of sass these days with no cooling off period in sight. Lol. Maybe in the future it'll subside.

 

I'm not recommending that the OP SHOULD make a quip, I was only remarking that I probably would (and I want to make that clear). The OP has to stay true to herself and do what's best for her.

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To quip or not to quip - that is the question lol!

 

I agree that it’s completely subjective and personal - but for me - it would be less about teaching this particular guy a lesson and more about standing up for women’s rights. Which makes ME feel empowered and good (which also counteracts how he was attempting to make the OP feel).

 

I am not an object. The woman he was gawking at is not an object. We, as women, have more to bring to the table than just boobs and high heels and whatever else he was staring at. We are people who have thoughts and feelings and interests, etc. I’m sure he wasn’t wondering what the last book she read was...

 

I have no illusions that this particular woman will make this particular man change over this particular incident... but yes... I do think we should stand up more often and say « this is not ok ». Like the #metoo movement. We should speak up. And yeah - the world does sometime change when people start to make noise, yanno?

 

Ok... I’ll take my soapbox away now... lol!

 

Btw - I agree that it would be the same if the genders were reversed. It’s ok to notice or to find someone attractive... but people shouldn’t objectify people IMO

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To quip or not to quip - that is the question lol!

 

I agree that it’s completely subjective and personal - but for me - it would be less about teaching this particular guy a lesson and more about standing up for women’s rights. Which makes ME feel empowered and good (which also counteracts how he was attempting to make the OP feel).

 

I am not an object. The woman he was gawking at is not an object. We, as women, have more to bring to the table than just boobs and high heels and whatever else he was staring at. We are people who have thoughts and feelings and interests, etc. I’m sure he wasn’t wondering what the last book she read was...

 

I have no illusions that this particular woman will make this particular man change over this particular incident... but yes... I do think we should stand up more often and say « this is not ok ». Like the #metoo movement. We should speak up. And yeah - the world does sometime change when people start to make noise, yanno?

 

Ok... I’ll take my soapbox away now... lol!

 

Btw - I agree that it would be the same if the genders were reversed. It’s ok to notice or to find someone attractive... but people shouldn’t objectify people IMO

 

I hear you, RedDress. That's the thing - we all handle situations differently. To be honest, while smiling I'd be tempted to say something like, "Did you want some popcorn for the show?", or "You do realize that if you take a picture it'll last longer, right?". Or, in an attempt to embarrass him, I'd play aloof and say, "Ooohhh, what are we looking at? Let me see!", and then I'd proceed to rubber neck what he's looking at.

 

Gawsh I can be a dork sometimes, but hey...works for me! :)

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It's not a stupid problem. It's a real problem. They say, "Husbands and boyfriends, guard your eyes. Your wife or girlfriend will appreciate it." This can't be further from the truth.

 

It's bad enough that you've caught your boyfriend ogling and leering at other women in public. Even furtive surreptitious glances are sneaky and insincere. Think about what he does when your back is turned or whenever you are not with him. I always gauge a person's behavior whenever their partner is not looking over their shoulder. That's the true test of character of whether they're honorable or NOT.

 

No, you shouldn't have to lecture a grown man about his disrespectful behavior. It's more than rude. You can't control him. The problem is his lack of moral character. Yes, dump him! Only be with a man who knows how to behave with habitual respect.

 

I wouldn't trust him if I were you.

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That is exactly what is happening now because of stupid thing like this I can not trust him anymore and will probably leave him. It's sad. I mean we all notice hot people! I do too! But I look away out of respect. I guess maybe I should start drooling from now on? Stop talking stare and make a scene? 🙈

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That is exactly what is happening now because of stupid thing like this I can not trust him anymore and will probably leave him. It's sad. I mean we all notice hot people! I do too! But I look away out of respect. I guess maybe I should start drooling from now on? Stop talking stare and make a scene? 🙈

 

Yes, and most people grow up, and learn common courtesy. Looks like he missed the boat there. Either way, it's not your job to raise this schmuck.

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I don't think he's interested in you at all unfortunately. Or you're not compatible together. It's an indirect (and rude) way of telling you that, perhaps even subconscious. Maybe he believes you're desperate enough to sleep with him if he spends more time with you and he's with you just for the sexual aspect. In my mind, he seems half-hearted and is expecting you to break up with him anyway. You'd be doing him a favour so that he doesn't have to. It's a roundabout way of getting you to be the bad guy and end things. Also, less drama for him because he gets to be free and single anyway.

 

There are a lot of people like that who will mistreat their partners because they're not aware enough of the fact that they're not happy or that person isn't willing to come out and end things.

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That is exactly what is happening now because of stupid thing like this I can not trust him anymore and will probably leave him. It's sad. I mean we all notice hot people! I do too! But I look away out of respect. I guess maybe I should start drooling from now on? Stop talking stare and make a scene? 🙈

 

Well, Bekigirl, look at it this way: It's better to know that he lacks moral character now than discover his incurable flaw and defects later.

 

Whenever people sorely disappoint me, I'm actually grateful that I know now instead of prolonging misery and agony unnecessarily. It's a real education. Then you become wise and no longer waste your time, energy and resources on impertinent people. Live and learn.

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I appreciate your comment Gary but his behavior makes me feel worthless and I can't trust him because of it. I ended things today. This was not the only reason. He was crying, I was crying, it was hard, but I feel much better now because being alone is better than being with someone not trustworthy.

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