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Thread: I’m not sure if we broke up or not

  1. #1
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    I’m not sure if we broke up or not

    My boyfriend of 14 months has a job in hospitality management and the Christmas period is very busy for him. The past 3 weeks he was working 16 hour days and 6 days a week and I was hardly seeing him. I began to moan about it but quickly apologised but then little things started changing like the ways he messaged me and he stopped spooning me in bed every night and I brought these things up as I was worried but he just said it was fine and he was just tired. I got upset 1 week ago as I was worried something was up so again I asked and again he reassured me.

    4 nights ago we planned to have a takeaway and tv night as we both finished work at 6pm and hadn’t seen each other for 3 days. It got to 7:30 and he still wasn’t home he said he was having a drink at work then would be home I said that was fine then 8:30 came and he wasn’t home I asked him to please come home soon he said he deserved to have a chill after a hard few days and I took it personal that he didn’t want to come home to chill with me...he ended up coming home at 11pm and I was moody because I was hurt and I expressed that I was upset as he would be going to bed and we had missed out on an evening together.

    He burst into tears saying he couldn’t do this I asked him what he meant he said he couldn’t handle having to deal with all day at work then be getting it at home too. He said he hadn’t been alone since he was 16 (now 29) as he had gone from relationship to relationship and always got into the pattern of working loads and not being able to balance home life with it he said he needed alone time and he needed space and asked me to leave. He said things had been different the past few weeks even though he reassured me and said he was tired of always reassuring me. He said he didn’t have the time or energy right now to fix anything and that either work or the relationship had to go and work couldn’t.

    I left and then he messaged me saying he was sorry and he loved me but he didn’t know what he wanted and needed to figure himself out.
    I said I respect led that and I sent him a message telling him I knew we could sort it and that I wanted to support him and not add to his stress. I left it there as to give him space like he asked for.

    I messaged today just saying “I hope you are ok” and replied saying “I am doing okay thanks for asking. Hope you are too. Haven't stopped working really do nothing new there. Thanks for giving me this space to figure out what it is I want I know it isn't easy on you.” I replied again trying to keep it short and sweet saying “Yea I knew you would have been, obviously been thinking of you.
    Matthew has been in and out of hospital the past few days too 😬
    That’s ok I will continue to give you the space you need, as much as It is really difficult I want you to be ok and not to be selfish. I’m working on myself too.I love you” and I have left it there.

    I want to give him more time but how long? Do I wait 3 days then it will be a week since it happened and then check in again? I want to respect his need for space and I will wait even if he needs to get the Christmas period at work out the way first but at the same time I’m anxious that I have this hope he’s going to miss me and want be but then in a few days he may tell me it’s over”

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It would be difficult to hold a relationship working that many hours. I'm actually more concerned about his health than the relationship.

    There is a reason the standard work week is 40 hours.

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    I completely agree I mentioned may times I was worried about him working so much for the sake of his health and he just said there wasn’t anyone else to do the work so he had no choice. He has hurt his leg and back in the last few weeks and he keeps going. He says he’s fine and It will go back to normal in January. I want him to talk to someone as he has many friends to talk to but he won’t and he won’t let me help either.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I can't tell you everything he's feeling, or whether this is the end or not. Only he can do that and by the sounds of it he's not in a place where that's even possible. He's burnt out.

    My personal thing has always been that when someone asks for space I give them just that: as much as they need. These moments are so hard, when they reach this fevered pitch, because the odds are that while three days feels to you like an eternity they are registering as a flash to him—a disconnect that is in ways a microcosm of the larger disconnect.

    Do you think you have it in you to just detach from needing something from him for a moment? Can you just take some space for yourself, work on yourself a bit, reflect on the relationship as a whole, trusting yourself to be able to handle some uncertainty and trusting him to reach out when he's ready?

    Not easy, I know. But it sounds like he has not reacted very well to pressure, particularly during what is an abnormally pressurized time in his life. Further, I think that if you find yourself able to close the gap through your efforts—even briefly—you'd find yourself wondering how authentic it is, whether it's what he really wants, basically.

    I'm curious: Has this dynamic been part of the relationship in the past? Meaning have you found yourself in the position of needing more attention and assurance from him, or is it a totally new development?

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    Yes I really understand that and I feel terrible for acting on how things were making me feel rather than asking more how he felt, I let him down in that respect.

    I have had issues at the beginning of the relationship with needing reassurance due to the fact I came out of a toxic relationship 5 months before I got with this guy. He just came out of a bad relationship too and we understood each other and took it slow. 3 months into our relationship I wrote on here as I was scared that it was getting too much for him but he always did reassure me saying he got it and that I was too hard on myself and that things I was getting worked up over were a lot smaller than I thought. He told me he would always reassure me when I needed it. For a while (7/8 months) it’s all got a lot better and I would have a little worry every now and then by on a whole it was so much better than I had been. I suppose it became like a drug in those respects, if I needed reassurance he gave it to me. With him becoming distracted by work and not being able to put in as much effort with me I suppose that’s when I started worrying again, overthinking every little thing the last 3/4 weeks.
    Last edited by Moonhobbit9; 12-12-2019 at 11:28 AM.

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    Would you be able to please elaborate on this part -
    “ Further, I think that if you find yourself able to close the gap through your efforts—even briefly—you'd find yourself wondering how authentic it is, whether it's what he really wants, basically.”

    How do I do this when I have left the flat and not seeing each other or talking? Do I ask to see him next week?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like the relationship moved too fast for him. Did he move in with you? What do you mean by "come home"? Unfortunately, yes this is a breakup. In fact he may have gone out to discuss his unhappiness with a friend to get the courage to finally end it.

    Leave him alone. Stop messaging him. Part of the breakup seem to have a lot to do with not enough time together. Basically you're incompatible. He doesn't want to hurt you so he is trying to let you down easy with the "need space" reason to end things.
    Originally Posted by Moonhobbit9
    My boyfriend of 14 months
    I asked him to please come home soon he said he deserved to have a chill after a hard few days
    He burst into tears saying he couldn’t do this I asked him what he meant he said he couldn’t handle having to deal with all day at work then be getting it at home too.


    I messaged today just saying
    I want to give him more time but how long?
    Do I wait 3 days then it will be a week since it happened and then check in again?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sounds awfully pressurized, if I'm being honest, a bit like the foundation here is each of your trying to soothe pain that predated meeting. That can feel very powerful—and be powerful, in ways—but it's a tough foundation to build atop, since its composed of cracks. Time is weight, and weight puts pressure on those cracks.

    What I meant by the above—what you're asking me to elaborate on—is that there is a way in which anxiety is only increased by asking someone else to temper your anxiety. Let's say, for instance, that you reach out in three days because you just can't stand the discomfort. And let's say he "comes around" to some degree. Odds are that you'll find yourself wondering when he's going to "freak out" again, since it wasn't a choice he made for himself but a reaction to your nerves, and so you'll likely find yourself asking him for small assurances again ("Is everything okay?" when he's quiet for three minutes, etc.), which will eventually pull everything back to that pressurized place.

    I say use this moment to kick the drug you spoke of, knowing that you need that regardless of where this goes. You need to be people to each other, not bandaids. Give him some space and use this space for yourself, to find some assurance within so you're not so dependent on him to stop your inner ship from wobbling.

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    We were practically living together yes, since June (7 months into the relationship) when he and a mutual friend got a flat, I started off staying there 5/6 nights a week then since July I only spent about 2 nights a month away from the flat.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why was he never at your place? Too much too soon and you were there way too much, particularly if his roommate was paying the rent, yet being deprived of privacy because you were there too much. Don't suffocate someone like this or with clingy texts. Sorry but it's over.
    Originally Posted by Moonhobbit9
    We were practically living together yes, since June (7 months into the relationship) when he and a mutual friend got a flat, I started off staying there 5/6 nights a week then since July I only spent about 2 nights a month away from the flat.

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