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Thread: Iím not sure if we broke up or not

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry if I missed it earlier. Did you mention how many times this type of issue comes up in disagreement? Is this the first time or has it come up before?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    On again, off again relationships never work out, because couples who care work on problems together instead of bailing and risking losing a person forever. You lug your toxic emotional baggage everywhere you go which is exhausting for you, and stressful for your partner to witness and be swept up in. Be alone until you learn to ditch it. Read books/articles on how to do that, or every future relationship you have will end, just as this one has.

    Spending at least 5 nights a week at his place, it sounds like you have no social life besides him. Very smothering and too much weight on his shoulders that he is "your all" to him.

    Take this free time you now have to reconnect to girlfriends you've probably lost touch with. Start a new hobby you can be passionate about. Join Meetup.com to do fun activities with others in your community. And keep up with all of that even when you have a boyfriend. An independent woman with her own life is a lot more attractive than a barnacle.

    A man shows you he cares with his actions and makes you feel like a priority. If he doesn't, ask yourself what the reason could be if it's a temporary situation, and have a wait and see attitude instead of pleading for reassurance, since you know that's a problem you have. Ask a close friend if you're reasonable or not in your concerns if you question your own mindset. Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus is a great book about couples communication, so check it out.

    Until you can date at a normal pace, not slow or fast, don't date. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    no no it's ok , I don't think you have made it worse , I was more just trying to steer you into a different approach if he contacts you . Don't beat yourself up ok it is an upsetting time * hugs
    Ah ok thank you so much 😊 this place and you lot is so helpful

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm sorry if I missed it earlier. Did you mention how many times this type of issue comes up in disagreement? Is this the first time or has it come up before?
    This is all just over the past 3/4 weeks since he started doing extra hours. We have had 2/3 brief talks about it mostly me moaning but then saying sorry as I understand and him saying itís ok. We have never argued during the relationship.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moonhobbit9
    This is all just over the past 3/4 weeks since he started doing extra hours. We have had 2/3 brief talks about it mostly me moaning but then saying sorry as I understand and him saying itís ok. We have never argued during the relationship.
    I agree with the others - let him come to you and don't stress about this. I think what's worrying is his drinking more than his work hours. If it continues that way or he has a problem with it, I'd end the relationship more due to that instead of his work. The situation came about this time because who knows how many drinks he had that evening. He shouldn't be creating a dependency on alcohol just because he had a tough day at work. That leads to all kinds of issues later on.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    On again, off again relationships never work out, because couples who care work on problems together instead of bailing and risking losing a person forever. You lug your toxic emotional baggage everywhere you go which is exhausting for you, and stressful for your partner to witness and be swept up in. Be alone until you learn to ditch it. Read books/articles on how to do that, or every future relationship you have will end, just as this one has.

    Spending at least 5 nights a week at his place, it sounds like you have no social life besides him. Very smothering and too much weight on his shoulders that he is "your all" to him.

    Take this free time you now have to reconnect to girlfriends you've probably lost touch with. Start a new hobby you can be passionate about. Join Meetup.com to do fun activities with others in your community. And keep up with all of that even when you have a boyfriend. An independent woman with her own life is a lot more attractive than a barnacle.

    A man shows you he cares with his actions and makes you feel like a priority. If he doesn't, ask yourself what the reason could be if it's a temporary situation, and have a wait and see attitude instead of pleading for reassurance, since you know that's a problem you have. Ask a close friend if you're reasonable or not in your concerns if you question your own mindset. Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus is a great book about couples communication, so check it out.

    Until you can date at a normal pace, not slow or fast, don't date. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
    We donít spend as much time together as it may come across aside from the Xmas period. The usual routine is Friday day off together, Sunday and Thursday evenings together. Apart from that we pass each other working as I do days and he does evenings and even though Iím at the flat after I finish work heís still at work till 12:30am so I do go to see friends and family on those nights and my other day off heís working. The last few weeks we have seen even less of each other....one evening, no day off together and he finishes 3am on the other days so I stay there so I can see him for 15/20 mins before we sleep.

    I absolutely agree with not reacting so quickly and asking a friend if something is worth mentioning or not, thatís very valuable.

    Thank you so much

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I agree with the others - let him come to you and don't stress about this. I think what's worrying is his drinking more than his work hours. If it continues that way or he has a problem with it, I'd end the relationship more due to that instead of his work. The situation came about this time because who knows how many drinks he had that evening. He shouldn't be creating a dependency on alcohol just because he had a tough day at work. That leads to all kinds of issues later on.
    He does actually drink a lot...he has 2/3 bottles of beer most evenings after work and on nights off has 4 beers in the house when watching tv...I have mentioned this before but know heís argued with past girlfriends about it so as much as I care I didnít want to bagger him about that.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take a deep breathe and enjoy the holidays with your friends and family. Join some clubs and groups, take some course or classes and volunteer. You need a full life and to live your own life.

    Consider getting some part time work in your spare time and start looking for apt/house shares and roommates. You have been given the gift of independence. Embrace it.

    Camping at this guys house trying to fix and change him, cling etc is not a good way to move your life forward. Stop telling yourself things like "the roomies was out so it was ok",..well no it wasn't ok in the long run. Do not contact him. Let him relax and enjoy his decision and the holidays. As you should as well.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moonhobbit9
    He does actually drink a lot...he has 2/3 bottles of beer most evenings after work and on nights off has 4 beers in the house when watching tv...I have mentioned this before but know heís argued with past girlfriends about it so as much as I care I didnít want to bagger him about that.
    Sorry - this doesn't sit well with me. The capacity and ability to nurture relationships is affected by how much a person drinks or depends on alcohol. It sounds like he has a dependency on it or is an alcoholic. You have a much bigger problem with his drinking than you do with his work, in my opinion. His time is very limited in this industry. If he's spending it wasted or in a drunken stupor or requires alcohol to run his day to day ongoings or in order to function, this is bad news for you - financially, emotionally, mentally down the line. Hope you take care of yourself.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Sorry - this doesn't sit well with me. The capacity and ability to nurture relationships is affected by how much a person drinks or depends on alcohol. It sounds like he has a dependency on it or is an alcoholic. You have a much bigger problem with his drinking than you do with his work, in my opinion. His time is very limited in this industry. If he's spending it wasted or in a drunken stupor or requires alcohol to run his day to day ongoings or in order to function, this is bad news for you - financially, emotionally, mentally down the line. Hope you take care of yourself.
    He doesnít get drunk often or use it to function but he does have beer after work to unwind most evenings. I understand what you are saying though. I do want to help him. Thanks so much I will comment in a week or so if theres an update. 😊

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