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Thread: Help Needed please

  1. #1

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    Help Needed please

    Hi All,

    I am desperately seeking advice from your own experiences so I can make a firm decision;

    I have known my wife since 11 years now, we got married in 2014. Our marriage like every other has had its own ups and downs but thinking back I feel that I have let things go very easily for all what she put me through. Throughout our time together I realized I have never been appreciated for what I have done, always been compared to others, sworn at and insulted in front of my inlaws.

    1) She has always compared me with our mutual friends or her relatives stating how others earn so good and I should do more, how in her family women don't need to work and she needs to slog to bring money home. How some of her friends husband earn so good that her girl friends stay home and do all the shopping they wish to do. In her defence that is the way she motivated me so I can do better.

    2) We had an understanding that I do the housework and she helps me as she was not required to do any work at her maternal home and she cannot cook,I work usual 9 to 6 shifts Mon to Fri and sometimes I work longer and when I return home I cook mostly everyday except for the takeout days. Never has she bothered to tell me leave the cooking for her to do and I take rest or cleaning the house. She does wash clothes only when she desperately needs her things to be washed.

    3) I sacrifice going out meeting colleagues or friends for drinks or catchup unless my wife authorizes me to do so. So last minute plans is a complete NO. She wants me all for herself as she is unable to make good friends with her own colleagues.

    4) She had the audacity to tell me not to send money to my own father who is jobless, diabetic, partially blind and alone at home sighting that because of this she cannot enjoy life or travel around.

    5) She complaints about the job she has for 4 years now, not a week has gone by she moans about it but never done anything to move away from the job and then accuses me that she is in this situation because I am not capable enough. In her defense she always wished to make a career in IT but never got a chance however, she is not even willing to work on it.

    6) She snaps for the smallest of reasons and fights with me, just 3 months back she snapped back at me saying that she regrets of being with me and living a poor life and that I come from a poor family( we stay close to central London (15 mins by tube) in a 2 bed apartment paying a good amount of money).

    7) She snapped at me just because of a stupid flight ticket which was booked for afternoon to return to London instead of evening in front of my inlaws which not only made me feel insulted but embarrassed and I broke down in tears.

    Now since past 3 months we are not on good talking terms as she again was abusive to me over phone and I dont wish to mend this relationship anymore and want to walk away. Please advice if the decision I am taking is fair or I need to give another chance.

  2. #2
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    She sounds horrific. Why would you tolerante this abusive behaviour?

    She should t have to work because she's a woman? Constant belittling of you in front of her family?
    Think she owns your time outright?
    Tells you not to help your family?

    What is it about this 'woman' that you love because it sounds like hell from where I'm sitting.

    Where is your self respect? Why haven't you binned her off? Do you have children together?

    WALK AWAY.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. No this is not "like every other marriage with it's ups and downs". Is this an arranged marriage? Is there someone else you are interested in at work or from your past? Why is this suddenly a problem? You are seething with resentment and so is she. Why after all this time are you still arguing about who does what around the house? And money?

    This is a situation of complete incompatibility, no respect, a great deal of rancor and contempt. Can you afford to move back home and take care of your father? Is he abroad?

    Are you from different cultures, countries or socioeconomic backgrounds? How did you meet? If you knew her for Seven Years prior to marrying, why did you go through with it knowing how she is?
    Originally Posted by Mcal24
    we got married in 2014. Our marriage like every other has had its own ups and downs. send money to my own father who is jobless, diabetic, partially blind and alone at home sighting that because of this she cannot enjoy life or travel around.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 12-12-2019 at 08:52 AM.

  4. #4

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    Hi Nini,

    I have been blinded by love all these years. I only let the relationship survive as I boxed my self respect and hid it within me and believed she needed help and support. I stood with her always in good and bad times and yes she did the same for me.

    She has had bad experience at her previous work places and the place she has survived for 4 years she hates it to the core. I have tried my best many times motivating her to get out of the place and do something but she is afraid that she will end up in another ty place. Since she started with the company not a week passes by she complaints about the job, colleague, boss etc etc.

    When we spoke last week and I mentioned that she never appreciated me for what I did. I sometime work 10 hours and return home and without even taking rest I freshen up and start cooking and she comes home and lies on the couch. She does ask for help but for me her help is more like monitoring of what I am doing. She does say good things about the food I cook and that is what she feels is appreciating me. But she is missing the whole picture. I mentioned to her atleast take up an effort over the weekend to just let me relax and she do all the tasks.

    We usually meet up after work and return home together, I wait for her sometimes for 15-30 mins to an hour but if we switch roles she would go mental if she had to do the same for me.

    I believe I made a mistake for not standing up when I needed to now after discussing with my sister I am giving her a chance on my own terms that she is equally responsible at home doing chores, not being abusive and give me my space. Lets see how she things go moving forward.

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  6. #5

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    This is a love marriage. Yes we come from different cultures. We met when we were teens (2008) and since then we have been together.

    It has always been a problem but I just let things go until this year in July when she texted me how she regrets marrying me and August in august when she was being verbally abusive over the phone and since then I took a step not to take this anymore.

  7. #6
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    You sound like her carer not her partner. She's not a good wife. You should leave ASAP. She doesn't respect you. Never "box" up your self respect to make a relationship work.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why would she text you this rather than simply file for divorce? Are you dependent on her for finances, support or residency? What's in this for you?
    Originally Posted by Mcal24
    Yes we come from different cultures. It has always been a problem. this year in July when she texted me how she regrets marrying me

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What happens if you decide to file for divorce? She sounds like she may contest the divorce. If she's so helpless already with you, imagine how helpless she would be without you entirely. What would your next step be regarding separating? Do you have a place you can go to and are you ready to restart your life?

    I'd like to know what's holding you back or any ideas /hesitations you have that are keeping you where you are now.

  10. #9
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    You both sound really miserable. What is the glue that holds you together? I am curious.
    Last edited by ninjabib; 12-12-2019 at 01:25 PM.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    What happens if you decide to file for divorce? She sounds like she may contest the divorce. If she's so helpless already with you, imagine how helpless she would be without you entirely. What would your next step be regarding separating? Do you have a place you can go to and are you ready to restart your life?

    I'd like to know what's holding you back or any ideas /hesitations you have that are keeping you where you are now.
    I held back for so many years assuming things would eventually fall into place and that she would change and be more calm and understanding. Last week when I mentioned that I wish to stay separate for couple of months to see how things go to which she was not ready and requested to stay back and give her a chance. She mentioned that moving apart would only break the relation even more and eventually she would be served with a notice.

    I discussed with her what I am expecting from her which starts with she sharing the responsibilities of household chores and she will not expect me to do everything. She did do a bit of cooking and laundry last night but with all the extra theatrics.

    Forgot to mention, the job I loved the most to which she used to curse mentioning one day I would be thrown away actually happened 2 weeks back. I lost the only job I loved the most where I worked for 6 years and was loved by all colleagues and managers. The reason for loss of job is company takeover :-(. On brighter note I have found a new job already and start in January.

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