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Thread: Just the basics - is he into me?

  1. #1
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    Just the basics - is he into me?

    I suspect the answer is no, but I'm sure ENAers will help me out.

    With the help of MANY on this forum, I'm slowly purging myself of the desire to be with my ex.
    I'm trying to move on as best as I can.

    I'm working on a volunteer project with this really nice guy.
    He and I have interacted a few times over skype about our work etc.

    Key parts here:

    1) I invited him to watch a speaking engagement with me that would be relevant to our program - he said he couldn't make it last minute (which is totally fine), but he's never really initiated anything else since.

    2) We will talk a bunch and I do make him smile and laugh a lot - but our emails are very professional and to the point

    3) I finally met him in person a week ago with a bunch of other people from the organization- it was an interesting interaction:

    I caught him making A LOT of eye contact with me. I caught him a few times looking at me while I was looking elsewhere. There were even a couple of moments where we both locked eyes from across the table as if to communicate something. I thought it was super cute.

    Then when we finally had the chance to be alone and speak about things he moved near me, but informed me that he'd have to go in approx 20 mins to meet up with his friends.

    He did stay longer than his allotted 20 minutes. He moved to a chair next to me. His body was completely facing me and he locked eyes with me almost the whole time and was smiling. I've never met someone who would gaze into a person's eyes like that.

    I tried to probe whether he had a gf or not. From the sounds of it, he does not? I asked him repeatedly about what his schedule was like, what his days are like etc. No mention of a significant other. I also asked about his christmas plans - again, he is just going home by himself to spend time with his family.

    He didn't ask ANY follow up questions about me.

    At the end of the meeting, I said - well, it'd be nice if we could do this in person thing again. He agreed (I got excited), but then suggested we invite another person as well (I got a bit sad)

    Then I had to go to the bathroom and he puts his arm out - I assumed it was for a hug so I leaned in to hug him briefly.

    Question: I'm reading too much into this right? He's just being a polite and kind fellow volunteer and nothing more?
    Should I start pulling way back in my interactions with him?
    I was going to ask him about scheduling a meet up in January to work on our project - but at this point - I almost wanna see if he bothers to arrange anything or not.

    ENAers - do your thing :)

  2. #2
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    I would branch out from the conversation about work and begin asking about other interests. Rather than asking to get together to discuss the project ask him out for coffee or an activity so he's not getting mixed signals and thinking it's all about business. Then you will have a clearer picture about what's going on and what he's thinking.

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    Originally Posted by thelonely
    I would branch out from the conversation about work and begin asking about other interests. Rather than asking to get together to discuss the project ask him out for coffee or an activity so he's not getting mixed signals and thinking it's all about business. Then you will have a clearer picture about what's going on and what he's thinking.
    I wouldn't mind doing the asking - but I wanted to see if folks on here think he's just being friendly. Like are any of the experiences above suggesting he's just interested in being colleagues and nothing more?
    His emails are very short. He doesn't really mirror my conversations etc

    We don't see each other at all - just skype meetings for now. Maybe in January we might see each other again. Should I let him lead - and see what he does through actions?
    I guess I'm worried he's not into me at all and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.
    Thanks for your advice! I may end up asking the guy if he wants to come with me to a cool concert that just *happens* to be after we meet up (if that ever happens) lol.

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    That is a great idea! I don't think you're going to really know unless you ask. Some people are a little uncomfortable when trying to cross from professional to personal and simply won't even if they are interested. Sometimes one just has to be braver than the other to cross that line and get the conversation going.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    At this point, imo no he is not into you the way you are into him and yes you are reading too much into this. It's too early to judge things. Imo, he is just being polite. It's not necessarily that he doesn't like you. He doesn't know you well enough to like you or not like you. No, from the sound of it, it's not "fancy at first sight" as it seems to be for you. He doesn't have a small crush on you as you sound to have on him. That doesn't mean that you should pull back in your interactions with him. It means that you should proceed to get to know him better without putting the cart before the horse. For all you know, he stll may have a girlfriend or he may be a jerk or be incompatible in some other way. Imo, it would be best to interact with him more without holding your breath about the final outcome. You need to withhold any expectations and preconceptions about how things will develop. You have too little data at this point to be able to tell how things will develop. Work on the project with him without assigning special meaning to every little move he makes. Let things develop.

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    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by teeEFc

    With the help of MANY on this forum, I'm slowly purging myself of the desire to be with my ex.
    I'm trying to move on as best as I can.
    While I think he might be a little interested and it is something that could grow between you both, but...

    I don't think you are ready.

    You are looking for the easy fix to help speed up your recovery from your ex, by going for someone else. The problem in doing this is that you end up taking your issues into the new relationship. This can manifest in several different ways, pushing too hard, high expectations, easy red flags because they remind you of your ex and the like.
    Women can use the attention to help them get over other people, but this can be like putting a band aid on cancer. Just cause you can't see/feel it anymore, doesn't mean it isn't festering under the surface.

    Take some time to get over your ex and heal. Don't push this guy away, just don't rush into it. Let your feelings simmer down a little and grow a slow connection with him and see how that goes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Reading into things too much can cause problems. Particularly if you are attempting to live in romance novels in your mind to avoid any realities.
    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    My ex and I broke up 3 years ago.
    I found someone else quickly, latched on, and got married to ease my pain. I separated from my husband and started talking to my ex.
    We had some amazing chats over 6 months he lives in a different place than I do now. he told me that he's got a girlfriend

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    Originally Posted by Clio
    At this point, imo no he is not into you the way you are into him and yes you are reading too much into this. It's too early to judge things. Imo, he is just being polite. It's not necessarily that he doesn't like you. He doesn't know you well enough to like you or not like you. No, from the sound of it, it's not "fancy at first sight" as it seems to be for you. He doesn't have a small crush on you as you sound to have on him. That doesn't mean that you should pull back in your interactions with him. It means that you should proceed to get to know him better without putting the cart before the horse. For all you know, he stll may have a girlfriend or he may be a jerk or be incompatible in some other way. Imo, it would be best to interact with him more without holding your breath about the final outcome. You need to withhold any expectations and preconceptions about how things will develop. You have too little data at this point to be able to tell how things will develop. Work on the project with him without assigning special meaning to every little move he makes. Let things develop.
    Previously, in my life, I would be a roller coaster of emotion with something as simple as this type of confusion in signals. I am now doing exactly what you're suggesting (minus the pulling back). I will just take it as it comes at this point and let the chips fall where they may. I won't necessarily pull back then, but I'll proceed with caution.

    I was worried that I was interpreting every...single....damn thing the guy does like reading tea leaves. You're right - I don't think there's anything here but coincidences. I will not really hang my hat on the guy or his actions at this point.

    Thanks!

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Reading into things too much can cause problems. Particularly if you are attempting to live in romance novels in your mind to avoid any realities.
    Wiseman - you got it!
    I almost feel differently now about how to proceed unlike the old me.
    One of the things that has helped is this forum, with people like yourself.

    I'm okay to be alone - I just want to make sure that the 'signs' I *think * I'm seeing aren't there. I'm not interested in forcing anything (unlike before) or getting hung up or sad over a guy's lack of interest. Like I said, this guy's actions are interesting to me - particularly the gazing - so I'm just curious about whether it means anything for other people. I personally felt it was a bit odd.

    Yah, I know reading into things can definitely cause problems. That was my fear with this particular person.
    Thanks again for your short and sweet messaging!
    Last edited by teeEFc; 12-12-2019 at 07:23 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist. All these flights of fancy, contacting abusive exes with gfs and quick marriages, divorces etc, seem to be destabilizing your life. Unless you are writing stories on here?
    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    Previously, in my life, I would be a roller coaster of emotion.

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