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Thread: Just the basics - is he into me?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The irony of being a romantic and living a fantasy is that live becomes anything but romantic or fantasy. As long as you prefer to have this imaginary romance with him and shun real dates, real interest and real life, the lonelier you'll be. There is nothing to "cut off" you are not in a relationship with him.

    To facilitate and ride along your fantasy romance you are making every excuse you can think of. He's shy, he didn't say he has a gf,etc, etc, etc, The reality is if he were interested you would know because he would ask you out.

    This is a way for you to live in this fantasy land of idealized romance and avoid dating in real life. Is your divorce final yet? Do you still communicate with the "abusive" ex who now has a gf? These are the realities. Staring at some guy and creating a fantasy romance is avoidance.
    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    If he doesn’t present obvious signs,

    - eventually I gotta cut it off.
    - what if the guy is super shy?
    - maybe he’s a party animal and I just see the work side of him! lol
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 12-20-2019 at 06:56 AM.

  2. #52
    Bronze Member teeEFc's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The irony of being a romantic and living a fantasy is that live becomes anything but romantic or fantasy. As long as you prefer to have this imaginary romance with him and shun real dates, real interest and real life, the lonelier you'll be. There is nothing to "cut off" you are not in a relationship with him.

    To facilitate and ride along your fantasy romance you are making every excuse you can think of. He's shy, he didn't say he has a gf,etc, etc, etc, The reality is if he were interested you would know because he would ask you out.

    This is a way for you to live in this fantasy land of idealized romance and avoid dating in real life. Is your divorce final yet? Do you still communicate with the "abusive" ex who now has a gf? These are the realities. Staring at some guy and creating a fantasy romance is avoidance.
    Damn you, Wiseman! I know you're right with your advice.
    I completely understand what you're saying about romanticizing things and putting that fantasy on other ppl. You warped my mind a bit. I realize that cutting him out doesn't make sense - he doesn't know he did anything wrong because he didn't. I placed my clouded vision of our interactions on him.

    Is there some kind of personality trait that you would call this type of imposition on someone and your relationship with them? I feel like this must be some kind of insecurity on my part somehow.

    Divorce is finalized.
    No contact with the abusive ex since October 30th. It does kill me a bit inside, BUT honestly, thanks to the folks on this forum I'm starting to see that no matter what, this guy and I wouldn't have worked out. He's got AMAZING qualities about him, but he was controlling and diminished me as a person unless I contributed to his reputation.

    But Wiseman, you kinda answered my question, but kinda not - what about the guy who is too shy to ask a girl out? I have experienced this before. I liked a guy for 4 years - and he 100% liked me too. He NEVER had the courage to ask me out. And, because I didn't act on his advances - he ended up going out with someone else who did.

    I'm sure you're right, but I just wanted to kill that last nagging part of me that wonders 'but what if....'

    Thanks again for your honest advice. I know the advice is tough for me to take and hear - but it must be done.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    The only way to find out is for you to ask him out.

    Can you see yourself doing that?

    Remember, if you're too afraid of rejection to ask him for a date why wouldn't he (or any other man) think the same thing?

  4. #54
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    Yes I agree with Boltnrun. If its playing on your mind that much simply ask. All he can say is no at worst.

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So asking him for coffee would kill the fantasy with reality?
    Originally Posted by teeEFc
    I just wanted to kill that last nagging part of me that wonders 'but what if....'

  7. #56
    Bronze Member teeEFc's Avatar
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    So: quick update time

    The person I'm interested in emailed our whole team asking when our next meeting was scheduled. I emailed him alone and said it was next week. I also said I couldn't make it, and if everyone else was still on board for the date, I'd catch up somehow on my own.

    The person I'm interested in emailed me directly afterwards and suggested he and I speak separately from the group first. He then said he'll make sure everything is rearranged to accommodate me. I took that as maybe a promising sign?

    I also worked up the courage to ask him to get together for drinks alone (potentially to discuss a variety of things) prior to our meeting with my friend. I gave him an out - so if he felt uncomfortable, it would seem natural for him to say no etc etc.

    He agreed to the pre dinner drinks. I was pretty surprised as I thought for sure he'd cancel everything.

    I'm going into these meetings believing he's a good potential friend. If more things develop = that's great. If not, I now have a good friend who could potentially help me find other mates down the line.

    ENAers - what do you think of this update? Too little to go on?

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