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I suspect the answer is no, but I'm sure ENAers will help me out.

 

With the help of MANY on this forum, I'm slowly purging myself of the desire to be with my ex.

I'm trying to move on as best as I can.

 

I'm working on a volunteer project with this really nice guy.

He and I have interacted a few times over skype about our work etc.

 

Key parts here:

 

1) I invited him to watch a speaking engagement with me that would be relevant to our program - he said he couldn't make it last minute (which is totally fine), but he's never really initiated anything else since.

 

2) We will talk a bunch and I do make him smile and laugh a lot - but our emails are very professional and to the point

 

3) I finally met him in person a week ago with a bunch of other people from the organization- it was an interesting interaction:

 

I caught him making A LOT of eye contact with me. I caught him a few times looking at me while I was looking elsewhere. There were even a couple of moments where we both locked eyes from across the table as if to communicate something. I thought it was super cute.

 

Then when we finally had the chance to be alone and speak about things he moved near me, but informed me that he'd have to go in approx 20 mins to meet up with his friends.

 

He did stay longer than his allotted 20 minutes. He moved to a chair next to me. His body was completely facing me and he locked eyes with me almost the whole time and was smiling. I've never met someone who would gaze into a person's eyes like that.

 

I tried to probe whether he had a gf or not. From the sounds of it, he does not? I asked him repeatedly about what his schedule was like, what his days are like etc. No mention of a significant other. I also asked about his christmas plans - again, he is just going home by himself to spend time with his family.

 

He didn't ask ANY follow up questions about me.

 

At the end of the meeting, I said - well, it'd be nice if we could do this in person thing again. He agreed (I got excited), but then suggested we invite another person as well (I got a bit sad) :D

 

Then I had to go to the bathroom and he puts his arm out - I assumed it was for a hug so I leaned in to hug him briefly.

 

Question: I'm reading too much into this right? He's just being a polite and kind fellow volunteer and nothing more?

Should I start pulling way back in my interactions with him?

I was going to ask him about scheduling a meet up in January to work on our project - but at this point - I almost wanna see if he bothers to arrange anything or not.

 

ENAers - do your thing :)

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I would branch out from the conversation about work and begin asking about other interests. Rather than asking to get together to discuss the project ask him out for coffee or an activity so he's not getting mixed signals and thinking it's all about business. Then you will have a clearer picture about what's going on and what he's thinking.

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I would branch out from the conversation about work and begin asking about other interests. Rather than asking to get together to discuss the project ask him out for coffee or an activity so he's not getting mixed signals and thinking it's all about business. Then you will have a clearer picture about what's going on and what he's thinking.

 

I wouldn't mind doing the asking - but I wanted to see if folks on here think he's just being friendly. Like are any of the experiences above suggesting he's just interested in being colleagues and nothing more?

His emails are very short. He doesn't really mirror my conversations etc

 

We don't see each other at all - just skype meetings for now. Maybe in January we might see each other again. Should I let him lead - and see what he does through actions?

I guess I'm worried he's not into me at all and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Thanks for your advice! I may end up asking the guy if he wants to come with me to a cool concert that just *happens* to be after we meet up (if that ever happens) lol.

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That is a great idea! I don't think you're going to really know unless you ask. Some people are a little uncomfortable when trying to cross from professional to personal and simply won't even if they are interested. Sometimes one just has to be braver than the other to cross that line and get the conversation going.

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At this point, imo no he is not into you the way you are into him and yes you are reading too much into this. It's too early to judge things. Imo, he is just being polite. It's not necessarily that he doesn't like you. He doesn't know you well enough to like you or not like you. No, from the sound of it, it's not "fancy at first sight" as it seems to be for you. He doesn't have a small crush on you as you sound to have on him. That doesn't mean that you should pull back in your interactions with him. It means that you should proceed to get to know him better without putting the cart before the horse. For all you know, he stll may have a girlfriend or he may be a jerk or be incompatible in some other way. Imo, it would be best to interact with him more without holding your breath about the final outcome. You need to withhold any expectations and preconceptions about how things will develop. You have too little data at this point to be able to tell how things will develop. Work on the project with him without assigning special meaning to every little move he makes. Let things develop.

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With the help of MANY on this forum, I'm slowly purging myself of the desire to be with my ex.

I'm trying to move on as best as I can.

 

 

While I think he might be a little interested and it is something that could grow between you both, but...

 

I don't think you are ready.

 

You are looking for the easy fix to help speed up your recovery from your ex, by going for someone else. The problem in doing this is that you end up taking your issues into the new relationship. This can manifest in several different ways, pushing too hard, high expectations, easy red flags because they remind you of your ex and the like.

Women can use the attention to help them get over other people, but this can be like putting a band aid on cancer. Just cause you can't see/feel it anymore, doesn't mean it isn't festering under the surface.

 

Take some time to get over your ex and heal. Don't push this guy away, just don't rush into it. Let your feelings simmer down a little and grow a slow connection with him and see how that goes.

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Reading into things too much can cause problems. Particularly if you are attempting to live in romance novels in your mind to avoid any realities.

My ex and I broke up 3 years ago.

I found someone else quickly, latched on, and got married to ease my pain. I separated from my husband and started talking to my ex.

We had some amazing chats over 6 months he lives in a different place than I do now. he told me that he's got a girlfriend

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At this point, imo no he is not into you the way you are into him and yes you are reading too much into this. It's too early to judge things. Imo, he is just being polite. It's not necessarily that he doesn't like you. He doesn't know you well enough to like you or not like you. No, from the sound of it, it's not "fancy at first sight" as it seems to be for you. He doesn't have a small crush on you as you sound to have on him. That doesn't mean that you should pull back in your interactions with him. It means that you should proceed to get to know him better without putting the cart before the horse. For all you know, he stll may have a girlfriend or he may be a jerk or be incompatible in some other way. Imo, it would be best to interact with him more without holding your breath about the final outcome. You need to withhold any expectations and preconceptions about how things will develop. You have too little data at this point to be able to tell how things will develop. Work on the project with him without assigning special meaning to every little move he makes. Let things develop.

 

Previously, in my life, I would be a roller coaster of emotion with something as simple as this type of confusion in signals. I am now doing exactly what you're suggesting (minus the pulling back). I will just take it as it comes at this point and let the chips fall where they may. I won't necessarily pull back then, but I'll proceed with caution.

 

I was worried that I was interpreting every...single....damn thing the guy does like reading tea leaves. You're right - I don't think there's anything here but coincidences. I will not really hang my hat on the guy or his actions at this point.

 

Thanks!

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Reading into things too much can cause problems. Particularly if you are attempting to live in romance novels in your mind to avoid any realities.

 

Wiseman - you got it!

I almost feel differently now about how to proceed unlike the old me.

One of the things that has helped is this forum, with people like yourself.

 

I'm okay to be alone - I just want to make sure that the 'signs' I *think * I'm seeing aren't there. I'm not interested in forcing anything (unlike before) or getting hung up or sad over a guy's lack of interest. Like I said, this guy's actions are interesting to me - particularly the gazing - so I'm just curious about whether it means anything for other people. I personally felt it was a bit odd.

 

Yah, I know reading into things can definitely cause problems. That was my fear with this particular person.

Thanks again for your short and sweet messaging!

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Have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist. All these flights of fancy, contacting abusive exes with gfs and quick marriages, divorces etc, seem to be destabilizing your life. Unless you are writing stories on here?

Previously, in my life, I would be a roller coaster of emotion.
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While I think he might be a little interested and it is something that could grow between you both, but...

 

I don't think you are ready.

 

You are looking for the easy fix to help speed up your recovery from your ex, by going for someone else. The problem in doing this is that you end up taking your issues into the new relationship. This can manifest in several different ways, pushing too hard, high expectations, easy red flags because they remind you of your ex and the like.

Women can use the attention to help them get over other people, but this can be like putting a band aid on cancer. Just cause you can't see/feel it anymore, doesn't mean it isn't festering under the surface.

 

Take some time to get over your ex and heal. Don't push this guy away, just don't rush into it. Let your feelings simmer down a little and grow a slow connection with him and see how that goes.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

I think you are right. I'm going to not read into things and try to *push* this relationship forward. I will let things happen as they will and take it from there.

I know the guy is a bit on the *quiet* side, so I wasn't sure if I should be a bit more obvious that I'd be interested in going out based on HIS actions.

 

But, I certainly don't feel like *locking anyone down* at this point. I remember my mistakes and I don't want to make them again.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

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There's just one small nagging problem I've got:

 

My specialist said I don't have a lot of time when it comes to my potential to have a child - I know that you need to wait and feel ready etc, but for me, I really will physically lose my chance in a few years of having a child with a partner naturally.

 

I understand this isn't a good reason to rush a relationship - but in the back of my mind - I do fear I will regret my life if I just dilly dally and not actively look for a potential mate.

 

I realize that there's other options if I *really* wanted a child, but it's just a very , very different road to go down and one that I'm not interested in taking at this point.

 

I think I should put this out there as I'm sure other women can relate.

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At this point tee I think he enjoys talkig to you , working on the project and clearly enjoys your company .....as for any other interest ..hmm hard to tell really , so I would carry on and slowly introduce other topics then the project and see how it all unfolds .

 

I am not too big on body language myself ...I find it interesting but at the same time , I saw someone last night on here say * she was twirling her hair * and I thought yikes , I do that all the time because I have long hair and it is more a habit ...

 

Just consider him a project colleague who you get on with and let it take a natural course with maybe a little nudging of conversation other then the project .

 

If all else fails tee ....just enjoy the fact that you are having a little fun right now and finding others attractive ....the universe might have put him on your path to help you move forward but maybe not with him in the end . It's all good in my mind.

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Have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist. All these flights of fancy, contacting abusive exes with gfs and quick marriages, divorces etc, seem to be destabilizing your life. Unless you are writing stories on here?

 

I am currently seeing a therapist.

He has advised me to look into attachment theory and read the book "attached"

 

I'm also currently reading another book he advised me to get into called "hold me tight"

 

My therapist says I need to reflect on what makes me really happy.

However, he said I can really cut myself off from another person and focus on the individual bubble rather than the relationship bubble. He said I need to learn to let an emotional connection fill some of the voids in my life rather than accomplishments or things.

 

So, he thinks I should have someone in my life that will help stabilize me. The concept of consumerism is like an addiction.

According to him, people often go in one of two ways - you either received a lot of love and affection as a child, or you fill that void with *stuff* = which also means individual accomplishments etc.

 

So, he said that if someone like myself wants to wean myself off of my individualism I NEED to replace it with emotional connection to someone else who is healthy, loves me and I can build an emotional relationship with.

 

I hope that makes sense - this was what we talked about in my last session.

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At this point tee I think he enjoys talkig to you , working on the project and clearly enjoys your company .....as for any other interest ..hmm hard to tell really , so I would carry on and slowly introduce other topics then the project and see how it all unfolds .

 

I am not too big on body language myself ...I find it interesting but at the same time , I saw someone last night on here say * she was twirling her hair * and I thought yikes , I do that all the time because I have long hair and it is more a habit ...

 

Just consider him a project colleague who you get on with and let it take a natural course with maybe a little nudging of conversation other then the project .

 

If all else fails tee ....just enjoy the fact that you are having a little fun right now and finding others attractive ....the universe might have put him on your path to help you move forward but maybe not with him in the end . It's all good in my mind.

 

YESSS!

 

I think that's where my mindset wants to go right now. I'm just having fun and realizing there's OTHER FISH in the sea of life.

There's just so much out there - I just have to be willing to put myself out there and experience it :)

 

I will definitely take your advice and just allow things to do what it wants. The guy doesn't know whether I'm single or not as he hasn't really asked me about anything else. I'm the one doing a lot of the *off topic* discussions. He'll ask the periodic basic question, but that's it.

 

Even in his emails to me now, they aren't even asking *how are you?* or *hope you're doing well* like before. They are just very short and to the point.

As far as I'm concerned, it's his loss if he's not interested. Next :D

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Why not get a checkup from a real physician MD? You may be able to read some books and reinterpret some discussions, but being physically, neurologically healthy is important if you run through abusive exes, marriages and misinterpret "romantic gazes" on a continual basis. It's doubtful a licensed qualified therapist would suggest you go through men like candy to "stabilize" yourself.

 

Are you still married or chasing the abusive ex with the gf?

I am currently seeing a therapist.

 

So, he thinks I should have someone in my life that will help stabilize me.

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Personally I don't think he's interested romantically in you, sorry. I think he likes you as a friend and enjoys talking to you but that's it.

 

When he agreed to another meet up hut with an extra person there that says it all.

 

I don't think there's anything here for you other than friendship but that's just my opinion.

 

If he never mentions women perhaps he likes men.

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Personally I don't think he's interested romantically in you, sorry. I think he likes you as a friend and enjoys talking to you but that's it.

 

When he agreed to another meet up hut with an extra person there that says it all.

 

I don't think there's anything here for you other than friendship but that's just my opinion.

 

If he never mentions women perhaps he likes men.

 

That's exactly what I thought when I asked about meeting up again.

I had a fun moment thinking about this person - but I think actions definitely speak louder than words.

 

I'll see him as a cool friend and treat him as such - friendzoning it is :)

 

Thanks for your opinions!

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Well the issue with having a crush is that it's very common to "read into things". I've been through it myself many times and the thing is that you do convince yourself that your crush is giving you all these signs, and you honestly believe it. Personally I don't see any real signs that he's actually into you. I find it helpful when I have a crush to just tell the person I like them and get rejected if need be. But in your case because you closely work together, it might be too awkward...

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YESSS!

 

I think that's where my mindset wants to go right now. I'm just having fun and realizing there's OTHER FISH in the sea of life.

There's just so much out there - I just have to be willing to put myself out there and experience it :)

 

I will definitely take your advice and just allow things to do what it wants. The guy doesn't know whether I'm single or not as he hasn't really asked me about anything else. I'm the one doing a lot of the *off topic* discussions. He'll ask the periodic basic question, but that's it.

 

Even in his emails to me now, they aren't even asking *how are you?* or *hope you're doing well* like before. They are just very short and to the point.

As far as I'm concerned, it's his loss if he's not interested. Next :D

 

totally his loss

 

I love fancying someone lol that little buzz you get ...obviously if one becomes too invested it isn't fun , but it is just part of been on the road to recovery and a good sign that yeah ...you're gonna do fine girl ...your head and heart is turning itself around to get on with life and all the wonders that are in store .

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He seems a little dry. Maybe see whether he texts or calls you in the next couple of months. I'd consider the Christmas and New Years period a black out period for most people (when dating). If you don't hear from him in December, it may not mean that it's completely turned cold. Meet up a few times for your volunteer work and see whether the conversation flows.

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I originally met my husband at work. Anyway -do you want to know if he is attracted to you or if he wants to date you? Two different things. If the former -sure he might find you attractive. If the latter from all you've written he's had plenty of opportunity to ask you out, to reschedule what he had to cancel (or use it as an excuse -sorry I couldn't make it, how about....). Typically if a man is interested in dating you he will ask you out or at minimum respond with enthusiasm to you asking him out and make sure to close the deal - he wouldn't want you to get snapped up by someone else. of course. I would move on from this and since he knows you are interested in spending time with him I'd leave the ball in his court. Sorry if that is disappointing!

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