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Thread: advice

  1. #1
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    advice

    I have been with my husband for ten years, married five. We have a great loving relationship. We are a blended marriage, raising our three children together (19,15 and 11). We have great careers, fun hobbies, good friends and families. I feel like we have a pretty great life.

    My husband was raised with an abusive (to my husband but more to my husband's mother) alcoholic father that was in and out of his life until he was 15 years old. My husband and his mom loved each other very much but did have yelling fights. With this in mind, my husband can get angry and yell but that is usually the extent of his anger. Over the past 3-4 years this has really decreased. Over the years, I have figured him out and understand, usually, how to deal with his reactions. I believe most of his anger is usually due to frustration or pain.

    Last week we went to a concert with some friends and had a great time. On the drive home, I thought I lost my phone (it was in the car). He got really, really mad at me. So I got mad back (not my usual) and we got in a big fight. We had a few drinks, which also did not help the situation. So at the end of the night he hit me. I cried, told him he could never do that to me again and we went to bed.

    We have talked a few times about this situation. I feel a lot better about it all. I agree, I was partly at fault because of the way I reacted. I was basically "poking an angry bear." (Not the smartest thing to do.) He apologized and felt very awful.

    I still just do not know how to feel. I love him and am not going anywhere. But I am afraid I will just put it away and forget about it. This man is my best friend and partner in life. I know this is a very small thing to have happened, especially for those of you in this forum. But I needed to talk to someone and there is no one else I can talk to. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    First, get over the idea that you were 'partly at fault' for his hitting you. You are NOT. There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman, no matter how much alcohol he has consumed.

    This is not a small thing, either. This is extremely serious, and you need to address this issue at once. What if he gets drunk next time and sends you to the hospital?

    I wouldn't tolerate a man who hit me, and neither should you.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would walk. Once they hit you it is over . You are NOT responsible for him hitting you . You are ALLOWED to get angry. I would not stay. Period.

  4. #4
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    I don't care how you reacted, it is NEVER an excuse to hit you. Ever! Has he ever gotten therapy for the abuse and anger issues?

    You need to stop the self blame and excuses, your husband has serious issues! This is NOT "a small thing"! Your minimizing indicates you are in an emotionally/now physically abusine relationship. Get help and seek a divorce.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    No, it's not a small thing. It's quite serious.

    You two do not have a good relationship. It's abusive. Hitting each other is never okay, nor is it considered small. Which is why people get charged for doing so.

    He needs anger management classes and you both need marriage counselling, together. And if that doesn't change things, then a divorce.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I don't care how you reacted, it is NEVER an excuse to hit you. Ever! Has he ever gotten therapy fir the abuse and anger issues?

    You need to stop the self blame and excuses, your husband has serious issues!
    Spot on Holls ...I have been trying to compile an answer but that covers my thoughts .....................

    He hasn't laid a finger on you in 10 years ..of course that is a good start ......but , how much are you actually covering in your own mind about how bad his anger is ...you say over the years you have learnt to deal with it hmmmm tip toeing round him maybe .

    Time for him to resolve his anger issues with help now and not just you dealing with it .

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    And please stop with the excuses. He's a grown man, he knows better and he does not have to follow the same toxic behaviors his father did.

    He has self control, he is choosing to do the wrong things.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    No matter how mad someone gets they should never raise their hand to you or you to them.

    Is there someone you could talk to? Pastor or counselor?

    I can see you are not going to leave him over this but it does need to discussed and figured out. You both went from a nice evening to physical violence over a phone. I believe there is something other than his home life growing up that caused this so it is best to seek help together.

    You are correct that you just shouldn't let it go. There is an answer and a solution in there somewhere...

    Lost

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You already said you're not going anywhere and want to make the marriage work. I get the feeling that you're trying to process the information and aren't sure how to handle what happened in the wake of the events. I think you both should try marriage counselling and try understanding where those violent outbursts begin with him.

    You say that you think you understand how to avoid them most of the time but this time you failed. I think that's where your sense of failure comes from. He has to work through those issues and violent outbursts. You should keep in mind every sane person who hears of violence in a relationship will advise you to leave and not to tolerate physical abuse of that nature. You're toeing the line in your desire to understand your husband more and make sense of your own feelings of inadequacy as a partner.

    Please take care of yourself and speak to a therapist or counsellor even if you need to. It sounds like your marriage is very volatile and unpredictable. Stay away from the alcohol.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    A therapist told me that once that first strike happens, a line has been crossed. The odds are very high it will happen again.

    In your case? I couldn't possibly know. But I would get both of you into marriage counseling as some insurance for the future.

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