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Thread: advice

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    A therapist told me that once that first strike happens, a line has been crossed. The odds are very high it will happen again.

    In your case? I couldn't possibly know. But I would get both of you into marriage counseling as some insurance for the future.
    The bold is absolutely true.

    I will never forget the look of horror on my ex husbands face the first time he hit me, like he couldnít believe he did it either. But he did and it became easier and easier until it was simply his go to reaction. With that being said, I am not in the he absolutely cannot change camp either, youíre in a very complex situation, if he knows heís not at risk of losing you, his desire to get help may not be as strong to be blunt, but if he knows what he risks losing if he acts in this manner again it may help him seek help.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You already said you're not going anywhere and want to make the marriage work. I get the feeling that you're trying to process the information and aren't sure how to handle what happened in the wake of the events. I think you both should try marriage counselling and try understanding where those violent outbursts begin with him.

    You say that you think you understand how to avoid them most of the time but this time you failed. I think that's where your sense of failure comes from. He has to work through those issues and violent outbursts. You should keep in mind every sane person who hears of violence in a relationship will advise you to leave and not to tolerate physical abuse of that nature. You're toeing the line in your desire to understand your husband more and make sense of your own feelings of inadequacy as a partner.

    Please take care of yourself and speak to a therapist or counsellor even if you need to. It sounds like your marriage is very volatile and unpredictable. Stay away from the alcohol.
    Agree with this as well. He needs to heal from his past and unlearn all this toxicity.

    I yell.

    I was yelled at, thatís what I learned so I yell.

    I try so hard to break the cycle and Iíve come a long way, but my mind still tries to go back to default. It is something I am currently unlearning. I know the damage it does and the repercussions so I must make conscious choices, redirect myself, walk away, all my responsibility, no one elseís.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. People are who they are and learn what they learn. Even after beating you, you don't seem to want to leave. You both need to stop drinking, get marriage therapy and you would be wise to get individual therapy and protect your kids more. When someone beats you it's their choice not your fault. Read up on domestic violence. Keep in mind this is the first time he hit but may not be the last.
    Originally Posted by cholsen69
    My husband was raised with an abusive alcoholic father

    we got in a big fight. We had a few drinks, So at the end of the night he hit me. I was partly at fault because of the way I reacted. I was basically "poking an angry bear."

  3. #13
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    OP, if this is a "small thing," then why don't you tell your friends and family?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Time to call a spade a spade. I realize that you are in shock and your first instinct is basically denial and it's not easy to face the fact that you've spent 10 years trying to tell yourself that this man is not an abuser. Now you can no longer skirt the issue. He hit you. It's violent, physical abuse. There are no excuses for that and , no, you didn't cause it and you are not responsible for his out of control behavior. Full stop.

    You cannot sweep this under the rug. Either he immediately goes to a psychiatrist, gets diagnosed with whatever disorder he's inherited from his dad and gets into treatment, counseling, anger management courses, etc. OR you HAVE to leave him.

    I don't care how much you love him or how much you want to avoid conflict or how much you are afraid to be single - you have children to protect from this. Kids who see their mother abused do not turn out well, OP. You have greater responsibilities than your personal emotions regarding this man.

    Whatever you do, OP, you cannot just ignore what happened and excuses and promises are not enough. A very very serious line has been crossed and it cannot be uncrossed. If he goes and gets help, on his own, without you pushing, driving, making appointments for him and otherwise forcing him, then you might have some hope that he'll get a grip and get better. However, nothing short of him pulling out all stops to get his head screwed on straight and being fully committed to a treatment plan run by professionals should be acceptable to you. If he isn't willing, not interested, makes excuses, makes empty promises - I can guarantee you that you'll find yourself in the hospital soon enough. Stop the madness and start working on plan B - leaving him.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you all for taking your time and responding with advice. I understand what you have read is a very small amount of information and you in no way could have a whole picture of what my life is like. Just to clarify no children were involved with any of this. We will be going to counseling. Thanks again.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes, they live with a wife-beater. You can't separate that.
    Originally Posted by cholsen69
    Just to clarify no children were involved with any of this.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cholsen69
    Thank you all for taking your time and responding with advice. I understand what you have read is a very small amount of information and you in no way could have a whole picture of what my life is like. Just to clarify no children were involved with any of this. We will be going to counseling. Thanks again.
    Very welcome... take care of yourself.

  9. #18
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    I would definitely not describe this as "a very small thing to have happened." My husband's father was physically abusive to him and to his mother for many years, also was also a very serious alcoholic. My husband started to go down this path years before I met him, but he's now 10 years sober. If alcohol invites physical violence, I think your husband should consider sobriety, or taking a break from drinking and take a hard look at his behavior and psychology. My husband's father never changed. He comes around all the time and shows a lack of respect to everyone around him. He screams at my husband routinely over small things, walks all over our private home, etc. He has no boundaries. Establishing boundaries early when this behavior starts is extremely important.

    Unfortunately, if someone is raised with abuse, this is a cycle that often continues. Over the years, there have been times when I have seen these signs in my husband, but never physically. This is a hurtful thing to say, and I would not say it when he is drunk, but it helped me to tell my husband a few years ago when he was routinely emotionally abusing me, "I can tell who raised you right now." Oftentimes, abused men HATE their fathers and it is their worst nightmare to be compared to their father or even end up like their father. At the same time, they can be narcissistic or blind to their own actions. Bringing up his father was a huge reality check and his behavior changed for the better.

    I think physical abuse is 100% absolutely inexcusable. I'm wondering if he showed remorse. You did mention that you've talked about it since it happened, but what have these conversations looked like? Since you're putting blame on yourself, it leads me to believe that he put blame on you, which is very disturbing. Please be safe and do not hesitate to reach out to friends or family to crash while you figure this out.

  10. #19
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but if he hit you once, he'll hit you again. Don't feel that you're the exception to the rule...you're not.

    I think this trait is etched in stone, and has a slim chance to be rehabilitated. JMO...
    Last edited by HeartGoesOn; 12-13-2019 at 10:13 PM. Reason: typo

  11. #20
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I agree, I was partly at fault because of the way I reacted. I was basically "poking an angry bear."
    Absolutely, unequivocally, unarguably, NOPE NOPE NOPE

    You can share a part in a conflict, but you will never ever be responsible for how he reacts.

    What is your plan for when this happens again OP? I suggest not being naive or in denial and saying it won't ever, because once a relationship crosses the line into physical violence there is no going back, for either of you.

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