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Thread: I'm not sure he has healed from his divorce...

  1. #1

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    I'm not sure he has healed from his divorce...

    I started dating a man who I met online. We have been seeing each other for 2.5 months now. He had a divorce 2 years ago and has a 10 year old daughter.

    In the beginning it seemed he had done a lot of work on himself and wanted to move forward with his life. He was so sweet to me and very thoughtful. However, over the last couple weeks, I've observed a change in him. He fluctuates between being either angry, or depressed, about his life. He says that everyone is against him and he is suffering. He will be fine one minute, and crying the next. Sometimes he is uncommunicative. Other times he tells me how much he cares for me and is grateful for me in his life. But then, this morning, he got upset with me because I gave him my cheek when he leaned in to kiss. I didn't even think anything of it. But he told me I do it too often and it makes him feel like we are not "stable". I apologized and said I'd be more conscious of it, but we left on an awkward note.

    I feel like I have been very patient and understanding of his sadness and negative emotional state, which seems to be mostly related to not seeing his daughter as much as he would like, and other divorce related struggles. I told him I would be here for him anytime. Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well?

    I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. I really fell for him, and I'm eager to do what it takes to make it work, but what is my threshold? How can I determine whether he's going through stuff and theres hope, or if he's just a sad and negative person?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this 10 weeks is a good time to observe what he's like in a variety of settings. He sounds a bit unstable. Don't make it your job to fix or change or nurse him. You could be seeing the reasons for, not the results of his divorce. It may be best to cut your losses before you get in too deep and this has a damaging effect on you.
    Originally Posted by luciamts
    I started dating a man who I met online. We have been seeing each other for 2.5 months now.

    He fluctuates between being either angry, or depressed, about his life. He says that everyone is against him and he is suffering. He will be fine one minute, and crying the next.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by luciamts


    I feel like I have been very patient and understanding of his sadness and negative emotional state, which seems to be mostly related to not seeing his daughter as much as he would like, and other divorce related struggles. I told him I would be here for him anytime. Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well?

    I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. I really fell for him, and I'm eager to do what it takes to make it work, but what is my threshold? How can I determine whether he's going through stuff and theres hope, or if he's just a sad and negative person?
    This is the perfect example of someone who should work out all their pain and issues outside of a relationship, not in the middle of one and not at your expense. Based on everything you shared, he's not even date-able.

    You don't go into a relationship with this amount of unresolved stuff. 2 months in and it's already starting to smell bad. This is your queue to bow out.

    I fear that perhaps his emotional states will affect our relationship. <- if a relationship requires you to be emotionally engaged and your current emotional state is upside down and messy, how do you think this is supposed to play out?

    Is it too much for me to expect him to be understanding of me as well? From him, yes. He's barely coping with himself

    He's not a bad guy, but he is a guy who at this point in time is not a place where he has anything to offer someone emotionally. Not until he works through some of his stuff, alone or even better, with a therapist. And that's not you.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well put by reinvent.

    Remove the things that are easy to sympathize with—divorce, daughter—and what you have is a man who, 2.5 months in, is showing himself to be emotionally volatile and pretty incapable of seeing your own self and feelings in the way you want to be seen and felt in romance.

    Big picture view on that is incompatibility, someone who sadly can't meet you where you need to be met. Becoming the world's most sympathetic and understandable woman is not going to raise him up to the plane, but rather lowers you to his, validating where he is today at the expense of where you want to be with someone.

    Hope that doesn't sound harsh. Divorce sucks, and adjusting to it, and co-parenting, is a real challenge. But that's his challenge, not yours to take on.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Well, why on earth do you turn your cheek when he gives you a kiss? Do you mind me asking or is this some other form of affection for you (getting cheek kisses as opposed to on the lip kisses when someone's aiming for your lips)? That would be disconcerting to most people. I'm not surprised at his reaction. He's expressing to you that he doesn't feel comfortable around you. Have you stopped to ask yourself whether you're part of that equation and that it's not only about his divorce, his child or his issues?

    Take a step back and look things over. You don't have to respond right away and you certainly don't have to respond to every single one of his emotional "states". Sometimes one partner is far more emotional than the other for whatever reason at any given time. If you are finding that he's inordinately and unusually angry or sad (negative) most of the time, he's likely not in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now. There's a strong likelihood he's picking up on resentment from you or feeling uncomfortable around you also.

    If you're just annoyed with him because of his comment about turning your cheek, I'm more in agreement with him. I'm not sure why you'd do that unless you're repressing some serious feelings of resentment and already are one foot out the door. If that's the case, just pull the plug and put both of yourselves out of your misery.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The guy doesn't sound like relationship material to me. Are you seeking a partner or a project?

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse

    Take a step back and look things over. You don't have to respond right away and you certainly don't have to respond to every single one of his emotional "states". Sometimes one partner is far more emotional than the other for whatever reason at any given time. If you are finding that he's inordinately and unusually angry or sad (negative) most of the time, he's likely not in the right frame of mind for a relationship right now. There's a strong likelihood he's picking up on resentment from you or feeling uncomfortable around you also.

    If you're just annoyed with him because of his comment about turning your cheek, I'm more in agreement with him. I'm not sure why you'd do that unless you're repressing some serious feelings of resentment and already are one foot out the door. If that's the case, just pull the plug and put both of yourselves out of your misery.
    You give your cheek to someone you do not want to kiss on the lips. Why do you do that? That's pretty cold.

    The holidays can bring out the worst in people. since you did NOT say he is talking about his ex it may have zero to do with his divorce. I have said to my guy, "You know, the last few weeks, everything i do turns to rubbish. Its like everything is going against me" - is that observation mean i am emotionally volitile?

    I think at 10 weeks, you should be eager to have him kiss you and not act cold like you have and you have to figure out did he simply open up to you, or is he an emotional wreck?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She is not responsible for his unstable behavior. This type of thinking puts people in guilt and fixing modes as if she owes him something. She doesn't have to kiss or fix anyone.
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Well, why on earth do you turn your cheek when he gives you a kiss? I'm not surprised at his reaction. He's expressing to you that he doesn't feel comfortable around you.

  10. #9
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    Only 2.5 months and you are still around?! This guy has some serious issues.

    Run from the projects!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You give your cheek to someone you do not want to kiss on the lips. Why do you do that? That's pretty cold.

    The holidays can bring out the worst in people. since you did NOT say he is talking about his ex it may have zero to do with his divorce. I have said to my guy, "You know, the last few weeks, everything i do turns to rubbish. Its like everything is going against me" - is that observation mean i am emotionally volitile?

    I think at 10 weeks, you should be eager to have him kiss you and not act cold like you have and you have to figure out did he simply open up to you, or is he an emotional wreck?
    - Yup. That's a little odd. That would bother me too. Usually, after 2.5 months, if everything is right, a couple is in the honeymoon stage......I would think they would kiss on the lips. Turning your head and giving him the cheek is a form of rejection. Very dangerous in a relationship.

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