Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26

Thread: Thrown off by one word and my own insecurities. Help!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male

    Thrown off by one word and my own insecurities. Help!

    Hi. My name is James and Iím a first-time poster. I need help because Iím in a situation that is totally new to me. I have been completely thrown off by one word in a text and I need to know if I am insane or not. A female friend Iíve secretly had a thing for (for 12 years) just walked back into my life after 10 years of complete disconnect.

    The story: Weíve probably known of each other for 15 years because we travel in the same circle of friends. In 2007 at a fraternity semi-formal event, I was waiting in line to buy a drink. This girl came up to me, gave me a hip-check and told me sheíd allow me to buy her a drink. That was the way she introduced herself to me. I loved it. We hit it off and became friends. At the time, I was very sick. I was recently diagnosed with end stage renal disease then and being sick was almost a full time job. On top of that, I knew my job was going to let me go for being sick. I was in bad shape and not in a position to date anyone, but she and I stayed friends. Over the next six months, my health got worse. When this girl found out I was sick, she offered to give me a kidney. She went to get tested. She was a match. She was ready to go. However, the doctors chose my cousin as the donor because my cousin was a closer match. She and my cousin were the two suitable donors. I have had this kidney almost 11 years and itís working perfect. Great news.

    The recovery was difficult. I was also out of work long-term and wrapped up in my own stuff. I was in no position to date anyone. This girl and I just fell out of contact. She was always dating someone anyway. I never forgot about her though.

    About six or seven weeks ago, she contacted me on Facebook. She and I have had zero contact over the last 10 years. Zero. She suggested that we meet up for a drink. I took her up on the offer. We set a time and I met her at a bar near her house. I understood this to be an ďold platonic friends catching upĒ sort of thing. I walked in there fully expecting her to tell me about some boyfriend sheís in love with, how sheís about to get engaged, or some other BS that I donít want to hear.

    That isnít what happened at all, however. We were face to face for the first time in 10 years. She asked me where I lived and I told her. She then told me, in response, that she bought a townhouse nearby about a year ago. She has a young puppy, an elderly cat, and she broke up with her boyfriend. Just like that. It took her 3 minutes to mention that to someone she hasnít seen in 10 years.

    (She did NOT say how long she was with him or how long ago she dumped him. She did say a couple times how done with him she was and that she still needs his crap out of her house. I later found out she was with him 6 years and she broke up with him about 2 weeks before she contacted me.)

    I couldnít believe she just said that to me, so quickly. I think I responded with "Oohhhhhh.. that's too bad" (I was cheering inside). From there, the vibe changed and it was not my imagination. I am 100% sure of that. The conversation flowed for 3 hours. She laughed at everything I said, including my story about being in the ICU for a week. She twirled her hair. She maintained more eye contact than I could handle. She recalled things about my family that I donít even remember discussing with her. Tons of questions, like a job interview. She asked me what countries Iíd been to. Whatís your favorite city? This felt more like a first date than any real first date Iíve ever been on.

    When we left the bar, I told her that it was great to see her, I had a lot of fun, and that we should do this again sometime soon. This is my way of saying ďI am interested in you.Ē She said ďYes. Maybe next time I can come down your way.Ē We live 10 miles apart.

    I knew I had to ask this girl on a date. I called her two days before Thanksgiving and asked her if sheíd like to go to dinner with me then help me start my next indoor crop of Tijuana Honeysuckle weíll call it (Itís legal here and Iím a great grower). She said Yes, but couldnít go on the day I suggested. Her brother was in town from out of state and had plans with him. We couldnít quite nail down a date on the phone so she said sheíd let me know after the holiday. I assumed she meant Thanksgiving. OK with me.

    About a week goes by and I donít hear anything. I send her a text suggesting a location, time, and a couple of days to choose from. Her response is why I am here looking for help.

    She said Iím really sorry but I just canít make plans right now. I am still dealing with this breakup, the holidays are here, and I am just not feeling like my usual social self. It was great to see you and to catch up with an old friend after all of those years, so maybe in a few weeks, after the holiday, Iíll be back to normal and we can make some plans.

    I told her I understood, Iíd been there before, and that I hoped the clouds cleared from her sky soon. Have a great Christmas and Iíll catch you later. She replied with Thank you, J. I really appreciate it and Iíll reach out soon to make plans. I hope you have a great Christmas.

    I made the decision to respect her boundaries and if she calls me back, she calls me back. She needs her space to heal and pushing it will be guaranteed to torpedo the whole situation. I will not initiate contact again. I said what I needed to say.

    My whole life I have been crippled with insecurity, self-doubt, and a lack of confidence. The girlfriends that I have had over the years never believed me when I told them this because they never saw it. Coincidentally, I never really cared for any of them. Shocker.

    This insecurity, self-doubt, and a lack of confidence is whatís thrown me off about my latest situation. When trying to nail down a date for dinner, her reply specifically used the word ďfriendĒ. That word just stuck in my head and is driving me crazy. I felt great until I saw that word. Maybe it doesnít matter what a night out is established as, because itís what happens when youíre together that matters.

    Am I being insane for being so hung up on that one word? Am I misinterpreting this situation? Have I been Friendzoned? I just need outside advice to set my mind at ease one way or another. I feel stupid asking strangers for advice but I have no choice because I am so bad at this ďtrying to get a relationship startedĒ stuff. I suck at it.

    Thank you for reading my novella and for providing any feedback or insight you may have based on what Iíve told you. It is much appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Age
    29
    Posts
    1,609
    Gender
    Female
    She hadnít seen or heard from you in 10 years, what else would she refer to you as?? I think youíre inferring far more than she implied.

    I would say the fact that she wants more time to process her breakup before seeing you again suggests that she may be taking this a bit more serious than just rekindling an old friendship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,832
    Gender
    Female
    After such a long relationship, she won't be ready to date for at least a full year. And when she is ready, sorry, but it's doubtful it will be you she seeks out. I'm guessing she's always known you had a crush on her, and she just used you to boost her ego and spirits--a band-aid at a low point after the breakup.

    You're not ready to date, yourself, with your lack of confidence and other issues. You will need to work on that so that you will attract, and be attracted to, mentally healthy people who are free to enter relationships without barriers up and anxieties sabotaging what could be a good thing.

    If reading books/articles on boosting your self esteem doesn't work for you over time, seek therapy, so that you can be the best partner possible to a potential mate, and confidence is the biggest attractor of all to people, so doing the work on yourself now will reap great benefits later.

    I'd suggest taking dance lessons in a type of dance you can enjoy such as tango, swing, or salsa. It's great to learn a new skill and to have fun connecting with others in a fun environment.

    Leave this woman alone to do her healing on her own. You can't be friends with someone you have a crush on in this instance. A shiny new year lies ahead, so set some goals for yourself to get what you want. She's a ferris wheel, going nowhere, round and round. There's a whole big park to explore, so find a new passion/hobby/interest which will meet your social needs, build your confidence, and expand on your pool of potential love interests.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,104
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by indea08
    She hadnít seen or heard from you in 10 years, what else would she refer to you as?? I think youíre inferring far more than she implied.

    I would say the fact that she wants more time to process her breakup before seeing you again suggests that she may be taking this a bit more serious than just rekindling an old friendship.
    ^This. It sounds like you both have always felt that vibe, but life got in the way. Now, you are single, she is single, but she is still dealing with her break up and 6 years is a long time to be with a person and she does need to process that before she can move forward on a clean slate with you. That's very much what healthy people do when they don't want to use a person as a rebound toy. So give her time and be patient.

    As for getting so wrapped up in a word....while you are giving her time, you do need to work hard on your insecurities. Otherwise, it will prevent you from fully connecting with people....thus the "I never really liked my ex's anyway" mentality. You didn't allow yourself to - chew on that for awhile. Keeping distance may seem safe, but it's never satisfying. This isn't even about her, it's for your own sake and future happiness.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Land of Wind & Ghosts
    Posts
    1,577
    We couldnít quite nail down a date on the phone so she said sheíd let me know after the holiday

    She said Iím really sorry but I just canít make plans right now. I am still dealing with this breakup, the holidays are here, and I am just not feeling like my usual social self. It was great to see you and to catch up with an old friend after all of those years, so maybe in a few weeks, after the holiday, Iíll be back to normal and we can make some plans.
    She's probably on the rebound.

    Just because an old crush contacts you and you go on one date does not mean she loves you. You have to date for a couple of months. Obviously, you two did not make it past the first date.

    If you can't nail down a date, she's not interested in you, and probably never will be.

    Just because she's dating around and checking guys out does not mean she's ready. You have to date others and find a woman who is ready.

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    Thanks everyone. I am leaving her alone and will not contact her again. I know she needs a ton of time, more than a few weeks. If she gets back to me, she gets back to me. I am continuing to do my own thing. As far as being hung up on a word, that's what INTJs do unfortunately when it comes to matters like these. It sucks.

    The first step in fixing a problem is acknowledging it exists so it's a start.

    I appreciate everyone's time. All of this input is honestly extremely helpful to me.

    EDIT: All of this input is exactly what I needed to hear.
    Last edited by JimmyS; 12-11-2019 at 12:15 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,997
    She is rebounding. You should not consider dating this girl for about a year. You will be a filler for the void in her life, and will get hurt. She is no where over her ex.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    3,038
    Gender
    Female
    I think if she's rebounding she'd have gotten jiggy with it (with you) in a heartbeat. She's not doing that and I think you're right, OP, that you may be interpreted as a great male friend and nothing more. You're sticking your key in the ignition of a car hoping it'll run but it's broken down and not running in the first place.

    Try and meet other local women if you're in the dating scene. I suspect she knows what she wants and a relationship is just not right for her right now. I passed up good people when I wasn't in the right head space for a relationship. I probably looked right through them and it wasn't because I found those people uninteresting or because I consciously thought "Gee, that person's a great friend but not a partner." I simply just wasn't quite with it enough to comprehend anything more than good company and good company was what I needed in the fall out of a long term relationship more than anything.

    This shouldn't be a reflection on you as a person or your dating skills or your magnetism when it comes to women or the opposite sex. Just take it easy and look at the whole picture. She's not ok to meet someone romantically right now but she does appreciate good company. If you feel you're getting a bit ahead of yourself and need to cool off, I'd suggest doing that. Cool off and distance yourself from the idea of dating her or seeing her again. She needs to clean up her ex's stuff from her place. This is a massive red flag that the relationship is not completely over and loose ends aren't tied.

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Location
    Boston, MA
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think if she's rebounding she'd have gotten jiggy with it (with you) in a heartbeat. She's not doing that and I think you're right, OP, that you may be interpreted as a great male friend and nothing more. You're sticking your key in the ignition of a car hoping it'll run but it's broken down and not running in the first place.

    Try and meet other local women if you're in the dating scene. I suspect she knows what she wants and a relationship is just not right for her right now. I passed up good people when I wasn't in the right head space for a relationship. I probably looked right through them and it wasn't because I found those people uninteresting or because I consciously thought "Gee, that person's a great friend but not a partner." I simply just wasn't quite with it enough to comprehend anything more than good company and good company was what I needed in the fall out of a long term relationship more than anything.

    This shouldn't be a reflection on you as a person or your dating skills or your magnetism when it comes to women or the opposite sex. Just take it easy and look at the whole picture. She's not ok to meet someone romantically right now but she does appreciate good company. If you feel you're getting a bit ahead of yourself and need to cool off, I'd suggest doing that. Cool off and distance yourself from the idea of dating her or seeing her again. She needs to clean up her ex's stuff from her place. This is a massive red flag that the relationship is not completely over and loose ends aren't tied.
    Thank you. When I heard about the length of the relationship and how his stuff is still at her place, it was a red flag.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,545
    Gender
    Male
    Glad you are doing well health wise. Give her space. She may be reconciling with the bf. If she contacts you great if not, no harm no foul, just two people catching up.
    Originally Posted by JimmyS
    she broke up with him about 2 weeks before she contacted me.
    She said Iím really sorry but I just canít make plans right now. I am still dealing with this breakup, the holidays are here, and I am just not feeling like my usual social self. her reply specifically used the word ďfriendĒ.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •