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Thread: What does it mean when an ex says they are not "ready" to get back together?

  1. #1
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    What does it mean when an ex says they are not "ready" to get back together?

    I'll try to make this brief but I previously posted a thread about how my ex and I are in contact. I've had a serious conversation with her since then, where she informed me that she really wants to give me another chance but doesn't think she is ready and she doesn't know when she'll be ready. I asked her if I should move on and she told me that I should because it wouldn't be fair to me to keep me waiting on her and prevent me from finding happiness. She made it very clear that she doesn't want me to wait for her, even though I told her I wouldn't mind, knowing that I'm the one who did the hurting. She is still hurting from what happened during our relationship. Long story short, I really hurt her throughout our relationship because I had terrible ways of dealing with our problems and I said horrible things that really hurt her feelings. I knew how wrong I was but could not get myself to stop. It was only after she left me that I finally went to therapy and sought help for my problems. I know I have a much better handle on my emotions now, and she has told me many times how much I've grown since the breakup and feels torn about giving me a chance because she knows I'm different know but still unable to let go of her fears.

    The past few months that we've been talking feels like how it did when we first started falling love. I really feel like there's a chance that I could get her back, but the problem is I'm afraid that maybe she just doesn't want to be with me right now because she wants to enjoy being single. I know that this doesn't entail seeing other people because she told me herself that she would let me know if she was or wanted to because she knows it would be disrespectful to do that to me while we were talking. Maybe she wants attention from other people so she can actually feel what single life feels like? I really don't know.

    So, I wanted to ask you all what you think. I can understand how she wouldn't be ready to get back into this. It hasn't been that long since we broke up. She's having a hard time trusting me and trusting that things won't go wrong, I know this. She's still hurting and recovering from the tumultuous end of our relationship. I'm thinking that if I just keep at it, talking to her, finding small ways every day to win back her heart, that she can trust me again. But there is so much potential heartbreak here and I am terrified.

    In this kind of situation, is it possible that one day, she'll feel ready? When someone tells you they aren't ready to get back together, is it possible that they will never feel ready to or do they just genuinely need time?

  2. #2
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    We don't tell a guy he should move on unless we're pretty certain we are never coming back, OP.

    She probably enjoys your continued friendship, but the romantic feelings are gone. That is why she feels okay encouraging you to move on. She plans to do the same, when the right guy who catches her interest comes along.

    You would be best to believe that this one is over, and work towards acceptance. She is already out the door, my friend.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    We don't tell a guy he should move on unless we're pretty certain we are never coming back, OP.

    She probably enjoys your continued friendship, but the romantic feelings are gone. That is why she feels okay encouraging you to move on. She plans to do the same, when the right guy who catches her interest comes along.

    You would be best to believe that this one is over, and work towards acceptance. She is already out the door, my friend.
    I thought the same thing, but she still really does treat me with romantic feelings still. She told me she's not moving on while talking to me either, even though she knows that we both have to. So there's a lot of mixed feelings that I'm getting from her. She's telling me to move on so that I can be happy, but she's not really letting either one of us move on by continuing to persist with the contact. It's the only thing that's keeping me around. Her words are telling me one thing, but her actions are telling me something else.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I can't speak for everyone. However, I'll speak for myself and what I think.

    Once someone has hurt me or whenever relationships (or friendships) went south, it's extremely difficult to recover because you know that old saying, "once bitten, twice shy." There's huge reluctance to get hurt again no matter how sincere efforts are to rekindle the relationship. As you know, trust is the big issue here. Many people fear trusting again will only repeat the same if not worse pain in the future and who in their right mind wishes to take on this risk? Not many if at all.

    Your previous relationship failed for a reason and she did not like your reaction and how you handled it. Unfortunately, you can't take back what was said and written. It's here to stay and she will never forget it. There are always harsh consequences in t his world.

    Whenever anyone says they're not ready to get back together, it's a gentle way of saying, it's over so stop hanging onto hope because it's unrealistic.

    She told you to move on so you need to take this hint and get her message. You've said she's made it very clear to you that you should not wait around for her so you need to take heed. Stop your wishful thinking and stop pestering her. No means no.

    She's still reeling from past hurts and while she'll forgive you, she'll never forget and neither does the rest of this Earth's population. We all move on but none of us have amnesia.

    She enjoys being single because it's freedom and relief. Respect her wishes and don't bother her anymore.

    Don't keep at it and never become relentless because you're perceived as a pain in the neck.

    You may not have to like it but you have to accept that your relationship with your ex is a done deal. I'm sorry.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I can't speak for everyone. However, I'll speak for myself and what I think.

    Once someone has hurt me or whenever relationships (or friendships) went south, it's extremely difficult to recover because you know that old saying, "once bitten, twice shy." There's huge reluctance to get hurt again no matter how sincere efforts are to rekindle the relationship. As you know, trust is the big issue here. Many people fear trusting again will only repeat the same if not worse pain in the future and who in their right mind wishes to take on this risk? Not many if at all.

    Your previous relationship failed for a reason and she did not like your reaction and how you handled it. Unfortunately, you can't take back what was said and written. It's here to stay and she will never forget it. There are always harsh consequences in t his world.

    Whenever anyone says they're not ready to get back together, it's a gentle way of saying, it's over so stop hanging onto hope because it's unrealistic.

    She told you to move on so you need to take this hint and get her message. You've said she's made it very clear to you that you should not wait around for her so you need to take heed. Stop your wishful thinking and stop pestering her. No means no.

    She's still reeling from past hurts and while she'll forgive you, she'll never forget and neither does the rest of this Earth's population. We all move on but none of us have amnesia.

    She enjoys being single because it's freedom and relief. Respect her wishes and don't bother her anymore.

    Don't keep at it and never become relentless because you're perceived as a pain in the neck.

    You may not have to like it but you have to accept that your relationship with your ex is a done deal. I'm sorry.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll leave her alone and move on.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by floating
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll leave her alone and move on.
    Good idea, floating. Her actions or lack thereof should clue you in.

    Don't set yourself up for further hurt and pain. It is so unnecessary. Exit graciously.

    Let time heal you.

  8. #7
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    To be fair to you she is kinda throwing two stories at you here ....... saying she is not ready does indeed imply that ONE DAY she will be ready , but then encouraging you to move on because she doesn't know .

    So she is either calling your bluff about you moving on or she is calling your bluff by saying she isn't ready YET .....

    If I wanted someone , loved them infact , there would be no way I would encourage them to be with another , so to me she is telling you it is over but dressing it up with all this * I am not ready yet*

    I would walk away ...no friendship , no letting her wean herself off you by still having contact and acting romantic and not been the back burner guy just incase she wants to have fun as a single girl and have you there in the background ( which is what I think is happening here )

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    When they are not ready to get back with you it means they don't want to get back with you. Block and delete, then proceed with your life.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately she is using the 'It's me, not you' approach and also the 'Let's be friends' thing. However she most likely is getting romantic with local guys while you are squarely in the friendzone. It doesn't matter if you think you've changed, it's long distance and she seems done with the romance part.

    Understandably she may keep you around as a male-girlfriend to chitchat with but would prefer to get physical with local guys. Of course she is not going to tell you that, since you are broken up it's none of your concern.. You as well need to let go and date locally.
    Originally Posted by floating
    My ex broke up with me after being in a LDR for four years. We were in NC for a whole month before I broke it to check up on her

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It's not like you see in the movies - people rarely get back together. People break up because at least one fell out of love - and that love rarely comes back.

    I think it's time to stop living a life of quiet desperation and find a new girlfriend.

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