Need Some Realistic Perspectives to Help Me Out

So I’m really into my coworker and I need some realistic perspectives on what I should do.

I’ve been working at the same place for a couple years now and have known this guy that long as well. We’ve become friends but there’s a definite attraction that’s becoming harder to overlook. He’s been dating the same person for a few years now and their lives are so intertwined with mutual friendships and living together that I don’t see how that could change. Realistically I do know that it is super unlikely that anything will ever happen between us.

But lately I can’t help but feel led on by how our interactions have been and what he’s told me. He has gotten too intimate with me for my liking in the past and rubbed my knee under the table once while we were out before. We talked about things in person afterwards and I had told him that nothing could happen between us and he agreed and said he didn’t want that either. And we both confessed to being attracted to each other but that nothing could happen there.

We went out for drinks again recently and were just hanging out and talking. We got back to talking about this moment again, but he elaborated on it more saying that it’s not just a physical attraction, but that he likes who I am etc. Which obviously made me melt because it’s how I feel about him too. I haven’t met anyone I’ve liked as much as this guy. We have a lot in common, there is a huge physical attraction, we have the same sense of humour, etc. He also said things with his girlfriend were okay right now. And then after we hung out, he messaged me at the end of the weekend saying again that he had a really great time talking to me.

The big red flag here is obviously that he is in a relationship so why is he telling me these things and acting this way towards me. Moments like this drive me crazy because I feel so strongly about him but it’s really not my choice what happens here. Also if he is acting this way around me while he’s in a long term relationship, why wouldn’t he act that way with me (if there ever is a time where we start seeing each other).

Looking for people to talk some sense into me, I am feeling so infatuated with him and am having trouble focusing on other things. I also work with him so there’s no way to avoid seeing him.

I want to tell him that I feel led on by things and that I feel so strongly about him but I don’t know what I want to happen with that. More realistically it will mean taking a step back from being friends with him and only interacting minimally. That’s probably what I should do right? I would like something to happen between us or to move on...what I’m feeling right now sucks to much to keep doing to myself

This is pretty simple. He's got a girlfriend, said that's going well, which is kind of the end of the story. Doesn't sound like he has the best boundaries, for sure, but that's between the two of them. If you have a personal boundary that makes men with girlfriends non-optional for romance, then you assert that simply by being cordial, maybe putting a little distance between the two so the feelings can simmer down.

But confronting him about it all? I say skip that. It's really just stirring drama, when drama is the thing to be dispelled right now. This is not the time for romance, or blurring the lines, plain and simple. So just retreat a bit. As you said yourself: He is showing you a side you're not super keen on, in terms of imagining romance with anyone, so why engage with that side? Doing so just makes you someone you don't want to be—not a great foundation for romance.

Would you really want to date this guy if he did break up with his gf?

How could you ever trust that he wouldnt do to you what he is doing with you?

I feel sorry for his gf in all of this.

You need to stay away from him, he is really bad news

The big red flag here is obviously that he is in a relationship so why is he telling me these things and acting this way towards me.

You already established that him being in a relationship is a big red flag. Then why does it matter why he is acting that way towards you? He is being disrespectful to you and his girlfriend. Do you really like that about him? My guess is no. My other guess is that you actually enjoy how he makes you feel. Feelings can be addictive.

A man who genuinely cares about you wouldn't be treating you in such a way. Thus, great idea to only interact with him in a professional capacity.

The big red flag here is obviously that he is in a relationship so why is he telling me these things and acting this way towards me. Moments like this drive me crazy because I feel so strongly about him but it’s really not my choice what happens here. Also if he is acting this way around me while he’s in a long term relationship, why wouldn’t he act that way with me (if there ever is a time where we start seeing each other).

Because he sees you as an easy target (no offense) that not only feeds his ego, yet his only likely intention is to get you between the sheets. In addition to that I'm sure if his girlfriend were to catch wind of this, he'll deny ever knowing you. What a catch!

At any rate, it appears to be a pay now or pay later situation, therefore I'd focus on the "pay now" option.

I think he's already crossing the line and having an emotional affair outside of his relationship in the way he speaks with you or behaves around you. Do you mind me asking what's the pull with this person? You mentioned knowing him for awhile and working with him. What does he represent to you? Is it social or professional success? Or is it something about his personality or where he comes from? Do you come from the same ethnic background? What stands out to you about this man?

I'd think about those parts about him that appeal to you and figure out what your attraction for him is. You might surprise yourself in the process and uncover that underneath the big mystery and sex appeal, your reasons for liking him that much may be very basic and ordinary... perhaps too ordinary and unimpressive. In other words, he's not as extraordinary or attractive as you might think, your reasons might change and your outlook and feeling about him might change also as you work through those thoughts.

Even if dating has been difficult, you need to get out there more. Clearly you realize chasing taken coworkers has trouble written all over it.

I’m really into my coworker

 

He’s been dating the same person for a few years now and their lives are so intertwined with mutual friendships and living together

The big red flag here is obviously that he is in a relationship so why is he telling me these things and acting this way towards me. Moments like this drive me crazy because I feel so strongly about him but it’s really not my choice what happens here. Also if he is acting this way around me while he’s in a long term relationship, why wouldn’t he act that way with me (if there ever is a time where we start seeing each other).

. . And you should be very concerned. He is showing you his moral code of conduct and his level of integrity. He is someone who is/and will cheat on his girlfriend, flirt or groom the next vulnerable woman of his liking.

Isn't funny how we would want to believe we are just that special, so it would be different? But this isn't about you. It's mostly about how he operates.

Tell him you fell led on? Why? He doesn't deserve an explanation. When I read your thoughts, it's as if you want to go back and renegotiate the terms with him.

You are the gatekeeper of your life and you get to decide who will or will not be allowed in it. The beauty of this is you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Personally, his level of integrity doesn't match mine. I wouldn't give him another thought.

Be careful of the company you keep.

He's a crappy boyfriend, so why do you think he'd operate with you any differently if his gf dumped him and he got together with you? And then he's a cat, batting you, the toy mouse around because he's having fun and doesn't care that he's torturing you.

What do you do with a co-worker like that? (He's not a friend, because friends actually care how you feel.) You shut him down. If he starts flirting with you, tell him to save that kind of talk for his girlfriend, and that you two are just co-workers, and that's how you want to choose to communicate from now on, because lines have been crossed that you're not comfortable with.

You're going to have to stop the emotional affair. It's not ethically right. If he tries to engage in long talks, tell him you have to get back to work. Start thinking of him as just another co-worker. No more drinks after work. His girlfriend won't appreciate another woman who has a crush on her man doing that. If you wouldn't want a woman doing this with a future bf, don't engage in that behavior yourself.

If you're having problems meeting single men your age, join Meetup.com and/or start a new hobby that men congregate to. Pour your emotional energy and time into activities that will give you better success in the romance department. With him, it's like you've made a very wrong turn and your tires are stuck in a smelly swamp. If you don't think you're worthy of better, work on boosting your self esteem so you'll sniff out the rats a lot sooner than you did this time around. Good luck.

The big red flag here is obviously that he is in a relationship so why is he telling me these things and acting this way towards me.

Because he has terrible boundaries and he doesn't respect you or his girlfriend.

Moments like this drive me crazy because I feel so strongly about him but it’s really not my choice what happens here.

False. You have a choice.

Also if he is acting this way around me while he’s in a long term relationship, why wouldn’t he act that way with me (if there ever is a time where we start seeing each other).

Exaaaaaaaaaaaactly.

It's not about you or her. It's about his lack of respect for other people.... and your lack of respect, too, if you participate in this.

I want to tell him that I feel led on by things and that I feel so strongly about him but I don’t know what I want to happen with that.

Don't tell him. You don't owe him an explanation. It will just open the conversation further. Just make a decision to back off, and do it. It can be done gracefully.

More realistically it will mean taking a step back from being friends with him and only interacting minimally. That’s probably what I should do right?

Yes!

I would like something to happen between us or to move on...what I’m feeling right now sucks to much to keep doing to myself

Seriously, just move on. Don't participate in someone else's heartbreak.

He’s been dating the same person for a few years now

So, she and he are in comfort stage, fairly happily by the sound of it.

Unfortunately we guys have a biological imperative to spread ourselves around.

He may, even subconsciously, be looking for a little bit of the rush of the honeymoon stage again, and he's looking in your direction.

You can have him if you want him, but what you do next will have consequences, and will probably cause a lot of damage, so think very very carefully.

My two cents' worth? He needs to break up with the girlfriend first, before he starts something else, with you or anyone.

And one of you would need to change jobs if you got together.