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Thread: Graduation gift dilemma

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    First of all $200, is extremely generous of you to give as a gift and commendable. You definitely put your money where your mouth is which btw is a compliment. You are reciprocating your SIL's kindness and since this is for your ex-niece, you're honoring your ex-MIL and her granddaughter as well.

    Don't be concerned about what other people think regarding what and how much you give. It's none of their business. Just send your money as you see fit and NO, do not contact nor inform your ex-MIL regarding your gift and amount. If you outshine her, so what? It's not your problem. Don't care about overshadowing your ex-MIL's gift and don't care what other people give or don't give. It's none of your concern. Just do what you want to do without blabbing to anyone about what you're doing and how much you are giving. Don't fret!
    I do like to keep under the radar. Sounds like a plan, Cherylyn. Thanks!

  2. #32
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    Yes, divorce does change things. But in this case, we've always been very close. My MIL said she will always regard me as her DIL and my SIL said that I will always be an aunt to her kids, etc. I was so touched by their kindness. I still refer to her as my MIL but I wrote ex MIL for the sake of this thread. Both of my parents have been deceased for years so she is like a mother to me.

    Of course I don't want to embarrass her. Guess I'l send what I think is nice and she will do the same. I worry too much!

    I agree, the graduate is a niece from my ex's side but, remember that my kids share the same grandmother.
    I am not saying my experience is the right way. But I will share with you, post divorce, my in laws felt the same way yours do. They rallied around and supported me, for that matter. But when all is said and done, it his family not mine.

    My sons share the same grandmother as well, but it took me a long time to detach from seeing us a family unit, to seeing it as the boys relationship with their father and his family. It is separate. There is no US anymore. It's just part of the process.

    Over the course of time and the fact that opportunities to bond as a united family are less and less, things change. At least they did for me. My nieces and nephews are almost strangers to me now that they are young adults. They remember me, but time fades those memories, along with the lack of continued interaction.

    Remember, when you marry someone, you basically marry the whole family. The same applies to a divorce. Not in all cases. But most.
    I can't help but wonder if due to the generous amount and the desire to coordinate this with an in law, it some how feels comforting to feel you haven't at least lost this. Maybe an attempt to hold onto some thing that is still left.

    It keeps you in the loop to some degree. Normal, probably. Healthy? I don't know, but something to think about.

    You do what ever feels right. I would have probably done the same thing early on.
    But contacting the Gma is a separate issue. I would just send the money as you see fit.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You'll be fine and she will be thrilled. Thoughtfulness is always a great thing to do.🤗
    Originally Posted by goddess
    I am going to send my niece a check for $200 which, to me, is a nice gift.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    I do like to keep under the radar. Sounds like a plan, Cherylyn. Thanks!
    You are very conscientious, goddess. I commend you for it.

    Even though you prefer to keep yourself under the radar, beware. Scrutiny on you is abnormal.

    Also, keep in mind these are your ex's family and don't be surprised if your acts of goodwill will often times be met with a cold shoulder. As reinventmyself said, your ties to your ex's family will never be the same once your ex became your ex. If you give unconditionally with zero expectations in return, then be prepared for this type of dynamic. I admire you for being so monetarily generous with your ex's family. However, usually once ties are severed between marriages or partners, generally ex-relatives and ex-in-laws are part of the package which fades away. It's bound to happen and it's the natural course of dissolved relationships. Bear that in mind.

    I don't want you to end up getting hurt, goddess. Recipients have no qualms receiving your generous amounts of money time after time. Just don't be surprised nor shocked should your goodwill not be reciprocated or if relations turn frosty when you're no longer in the gift giving mood. You don't want your relationship with your ex's family to be based upon what they can receive from you for every occasion.

    Healthy relationships tend to be consistently reciprocal somehow. If you're doing all the generous giving and they're not reciprocating (not just monetarily), then your relationship with your ex's family is unbalanced and you'll eventually feel taken advantage of. Neither scenarios are optimal nor healthy.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    You are very conscientious, goddess. I commend you for it.

    Even though you prefer to keep yourself under the radar, beware. Scrutiny on you is abnormal.

    Also, keep in mind these are your ex's family and don't be surprised if your acts of goodwill will often times be met with a cold shoulder. As reinventmyself said, your ties to your ex's family will never be the same once your ex became your ex. If you give unconditionally with zero expectations in return, then be prepared for this type of dynamic. I admire you for being so monetarily generous with your ex's family. However, usually once ties are severed between marriages or partners, generally ex-relatives and ex-in-laws are part of the package which fades away. It's bound to happen and it's the natural course of dissolved relationships. Bear that in mind.

    I don't want you to end up getting hurt, goddess. Recipients have no qualms receiving your generous amounts of money time after time. Just don't be surprised nor shocked should your goodwill not be reciprocated or if relations turn frosty when you're no longer in the gift giving mood. You don't want your relationship with your ex's family to be based upon what they can receive from you for every occasion.

    Healthy relationships tend to be consistently reciprocal somehow. If you're doing all the generous giving and they're not reciprocating (not just monetarily), then your relationship with your ex's family is unbalanced and you'll eventually feel taken advantage of. Neither scenarios are optimal nor healthy.
    Thank you for your kind compliment, Cherylyn. I also thank you, and reinventmyself, for pointing this out to me, and I will keep it in mind. I certainly hope this doesn't happen but, if it does, I truly won't be surprised; just disappointed. But, I'd understand. As far as reciprocation is concerned, all I ask is a thank you from the recipient in a text or some other way. Just common courtesy, that's all. They have always shown proper etiquette. Should they forget their manners, I will stop sending gifts. Plain and simple. I've had so much disrespect from my ex that it's going to last me a lifetime, and I'm through with anyone who disrespects me these days.

    I'd like to add that I used to send monetary gifts to my brother's two adult children for their bd and the holidays. Years passed before I realised that I never received a thank you from either one of them. Last year, it finally dawned on me. Geez, I could be dense! LOL I did learn a lesson though. This year, I just sent them (and their respective spouses) a birthday card. I don't plan to send a holiday card either because they didn't bother last year, nor the year before, etc. Case closed with them.

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