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Thread: Graduation gift dilemma

  1. #21
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    You are expecting that your niece is going to tell Grandma what you sent her. She probably will not. Don't worry about what other people do. $100 would probably be a better amount considering this is a niece and not a daughter.

    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    If by asking her aren't you more or less letting her know that you are trying not `out shine' her? You somehow need to know her amount so you don't out do her? How do you explain your reason for wanting to know? Isn't that in itself going to embarrass her?

    I agree with the lesser amount. Problem solved. It's great that the in laws are still good to you but at some point you need to adjust to the imposed distance that comes from being divorced. Give the gift that's fitting to the occasion and fitting to your newly shaping connection with these people.
    My aunt and uncle divorced when i was a teen. I still considered him my uncle. They were married before i was born and i until the day he died, I did not consider him an ex-uncle. The reason for their divorce were things within their relationship and had nothing to do with anything that would be unsafe to not continue a relationship (he was not a drug dealer, no domestic violence, just regular people who didn't work out). He was around periodcally anyway because they had kids together and she didn't expect us to forget about him.

    My dad was friends with him before he and my aunt got married. They saw him a lot less after the divorce and even less after the kids became adults, but there wasn't any bad blood that affected me or all the other cousins

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Just wanted to add that this is a nice from her ex husbands side.
    Dont get me wrong. I have a dozen of them from my ex's side but no matter how you slice it, divorces change things.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think you're doing great and so very thoughtful. Sarah has a good point too. Happy holidays!
    Sarah does have a good point. But, remember that my niece's grandmother is my kids' grandmother too. And, my son is graduating on the same day from graduate school. You know what? I will send a check for the amount that I said I would. I just trying to figure out proper etiquette.

    Happy Holidays to you as well, Rose! xx

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Just wanted to add that this is a nice from her ex husbands side.
    Dont get me wrong. I have a dozen of them from my ex's side but no matter how you slice it, divorces change things.
    Yes, divorce does change things. But in this case, we've always been very close. My MIL said she will always regard me as her DIL and my SIL said that I will always be an aunt to her kids, etc. I was so touched by their kindness. I still refer to her as my MIL but I wrote ex MIL for the sake of this thread. Both of my parents have been deceased for years so she is like a mother to me.

    Of course I don't want to embarrass her. Guess I'l send what I think is nice and she will do the same. I worry too much!

    I agree, the graduate is a niece from my ex's side but, remember that my kids share the same grandmother.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You are expecting that your niece is going to tell Grandma what you sent her. She probably will not. Don't worry about what other people do. $100 would probably be a better amount considering this is a niece and not a daughter.



    My aunt and uncle divorced when i was a teen. I still considered him my uncle. They were married before i was born and i until the day he died, I did not consider him an ex-uncle. The reason for their divorce were things within their relationship and had nothing to do with anything that would be unsafe to not continue a relationship (he was not a drug dealer, no domestic violence, just regular people who didn't work out). He was around periodcally anyway because they had kids together and she didn't expect us to forget about him.

    My dad was friends with him before he and my aunt got married. They saw him a lot less after the divorce and even less after the kids became adults, but there wasn't any bad blood that affected me or all the other cousins
    I don't think she will tell her grandmother on purpose but it may come up in conversation. But, for all I know, she may give a bigger gift which is perfectly fine with me. I realise now that I should not worry about what other people do.

    I definitely still consider her my MIL. My mom died so many years ago and she's been like a mother to me. She's been incredibly kind and supportive towards me since the divorce. Actually, she recently introduced me as her DIL when I went to visit her and my son. I was so touched...

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Just wanted to add that this is a nice from her ex husbands side.
    Dont get me wrong. I have a dozen of them from my ex's side but no matter how you slice it, divorces change things.
    i know. But she may think her son is a jerk for cheating and she has a long relationship with her daughter in law. It does happen where the family thinks their biological relation is a bum. She might not be invited to every single dinner anymore, but she should show the same love and consideration to her niece as she did a few months ago or last year when she was married. if they drift apart until her son has kids, and it happens naturally, so be it and i am sure she will take it in stride

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Anyone else who will be 'sending' money won't be standing over niece's shoulder to learn who else sent what. If you believe that niece will be indiscreet, that's on her, not you--and it's also not likely the case.

    EnjOy!

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    i know. But she may think her son is a jerk for cheating and she has a long relationship with her daughter in law. It does happen where the family thinks their biological relation is a bum. She might not be invited to every single dinner anymore, but she should show the same love and consideration to her niece as she did a few months ago or last year when she was married. if they drift apart until her son has kids, and it happens naturally, so be it and i am sure she will take it in stride
    With all due respect, I will say that my MIL actually told me that she's very upset with her son's decision to divorce.

    I live 5-6 hours away (by car) from my younger son, my SIL and MIL, so I don't see them often. I did visit my younger son in September because he moved and I offered to go down and help him unpack. I saw and had dinner with my MIL and SIL for the first time since the divorce. But, they were kind enough to invite me to join them for Thanksgiving and for the holidays. I didn't go because I spent Thanksgiving with my older son who lives about 1/2 hour away from me. He had some commitments which he couldn't change this year so he and I couldn't have Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws but, hopefully, he and I can go down together one year and spend the holidays with all of them. He's single and lives alone so it works out at both ends. My younger son spends the holidays with his grandmother, and his aunt (my SIL) and her family, and I spend them with my older son. This way, both of my sons are not alone. (The ex is now lives 3 hours away.)

    I assure you that I will always have the same love, respect and consideration for my niece, her family and my MIL.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Anyone else who will be 'sending' money won't be standing over niece's shoulder to learn who else sent what. If you believe that niece will be indiscreet, that's on her, not you--and it's also not likely the case.

    EnjOy!
    Yes, that's true.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    First of all $200, is extremely generous of you to give as a gift and commendable. You definitely put your money where your mouth is which btw is a compliment. You are reciprocating your SIL's kindness and since this is for your ex-niece, you're honoring your ex-MIL and her granddaughter as well.

    Don't be concerned about what other people think regarding what and how much you give. It's none of their business. Just send your money as you see fit and NO, do not contact nor inform your ex-MIL regarding your gift and amount. If you outshine her, so what? It's not your problem. Don't care about overshadowing your ex-MIL's gift and don't care what other people give or don't give. It's none of your concern. Just do what you want to do without blabbing to anyone about what you're doing and how much you are giving. Don't fret!

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