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Thread: Worried for my husband

  1. #1

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    Worried for my husband

    I've been married to my husband for 1 year, together for just over two. It came out early in the relationship that he suffered from anxiety, and so do I so I didn't think that it was a big deal. A few months into the relationship he told me that before he met me he was planning on committing suicide after his brother wedding (which was about a month after we met). I was very worried and concerned, but he made it very clear that he didn't feel that way anymore and didn't want to act on it. I didn't pry because I didn't really know what to say or how to react, and it was a fairly new relationship. I took his word for it that he was getting better. Every few months I question him sometimes to see how he's feeling, but always says that he is great and doesn't have any negative thoughts anymore. A few days ago, we got into a fight because i feel like he has been distant and not interested in anything. In a rage and what felt like a panic, he slapped his hands on the table and stated with tears streaming down his face that he has been wanting to "leave" not the relationship but has been having suicidal thoughts for the past couple years. We talked about it for a while and he said that he doesn't have the thoughts every day and if he was going to do something he would have by now. I'ts really scary knowing that before he met me he had a legitimate plan and still has those thoughts either periodically or every day, I dont really think I know the full truth. That night he was very high energy and acted like nothing happened and he didn't say anything, similar to the next day. I don't understand why he hasn't gotten help and why he doesn't want to talk to someone. It's difficult to hold this secret, especially when I dont really know how he's actually feeling. I told him that im holding a lot of anxiety about it because as much as it doesn't seem like a big deal for him, it's upsetting, sad and scary to hear that your husband is having suicidal thoughts(whether he wants to act on them or not). His depression is hard on our relationship, he often doesn't want to communicate or is very short with me because he is in his own head. I just want him and us to be happy together and for him to get the help he needs. I'm very close with my family and tell them everything, and they are usually very good as sharing life advice, however i feel like this is a very personal matter and not fair to him to bring up to my parents. I have made an appointment with a therapist to talk about it, but I'm worried about our future together and if he is ever going to have the urge to act on these thoughts. I also suffer from situational anxiety and depression and have been through rough patches, but I have never experienced suicidal thoughts so It is difficult for me to relate. Im curious if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how to mitigate my anxiety and worry about him and our future.

  2. #2
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    Iím sorry you are going through this. I am so happy to hear that you are going to a therapist. You need support. Good for you for looking after yourself too. You are wise :)

    You canít help him with this. Not anymore than you could help him with high blood pressure. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. He needs to see a doctor.

    Unfortunately, getting someone with depression to recognize and agree to go to a doctor is not always an easy feat....

    Yes. Please keep your appointment with the therapist. They will likely have some good suggestions and can help you develop some tools to keep yourself emotionally safe at the same time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If asking him to seek psychiatric care doesn't work (offer to accompany him, even though you will be sitting in the waiting room), I'd give him an ultimatum, because you're regularly upset in the relationship and you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for a spouse who won't help himself.

    In my first marriage, my husband suffered from depression. It had increased to him isolating himself, and becoming angry often over things the average person wouldn't. I got to the point where I sat him down and explained that I no longer had the life companion I'd wished for. That I was lonely and tired of walking on eggshells, and that I wanted a divorce. He sobbed for a solid hour and said he didn't want that and would go to the psychiatrist, which he did for two years and everything was wonderful. Unfortunately after that, he said he never meant to be on the meds forever and wanted to wean himself off. I begged him not to, but he did and over time became even worse than before. At that time, he'd killed all the love I had for him so even if he said he'd get back on the meds, I was done and we divorced.

    I don't how an ultimatum would work for you, but be ready to accept either outcome. I wouldn't bring up divorce in your case. I'd just say: I want for us to be happy the majority of the time, but too often when xxx happens, I feel xxx. Perhaps if you insisted on marital counseling, the therapist would probably recognize that your husband needs to be assessed for depression and maybe a skilled professional could convince him of that need. Take care and let us know how it goes.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to call emergency services when he does this. You also need to move out to a safe place and file for divorce. Suicidal people often commit suicide-homicides and you are very much at risk because his raging is directed at you.

    Unfortunately he has had this issue all the while since this thread: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Girlinda
    he slapped his hands on the table and stated with tears streaming down his face that he has been wanting to "leave" not the relationship but has been having suicidal thoughts for the past couple years.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    If asking him to seek psychiatric care doesn't work (offer to accompany him, even though you will be sitting in the waiting room), I'd give him an ultimatum, because you're regularly upset in the relationship and you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for a spouse who won't help himself.

    In my first marriage, my husband suffered from depression. It had increased to him isolating himself, and becoming angry often over things the average person wouldn't. I got to the point where I sat him down and explained that I no longer had the life companion I'd wished for. That I was lonely and tired of walking on eggshells, and that I wanted a divorce. He sobbed for a solid hour and said he didn't want that and would go to the psychiatrist, which he did for two years and everything was wonderful. Unfortunately after that, he said he never meant to be on the meds forever and wanted to wean himself off. I begged him not to, but he did and over time became even worse than before. At that time, he'd killed all the love I had for him so even if he said he'd get back on the meds, I was done and we divorced.

    I don't how an ultimatum would work for you, but be ready to accept either outcome. I wouldn't bring up divorce in your case. I'd just say: I want for us to be happy the majority of the time, but too often when xxx happens, I feel xxx. Perhaps if you insisted on marital counseling, the therapist would probably recognize that your husband needs to be assessed for depression and maybe a skilled professional could convince him of that need. Take care and let us know how it goes.
    Agree, again!!!!!!!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Short answer is get a divorce.

    Long answer is that whatever his issues are, you aren't going to fix them. Dealing with someone who either has mental illness or a personality disorder is a lot like dealing with an alcoholic in that you can't help or force them into anything. It doesn't work. Therapy, psychiatric care, meds - these things only work when the person affected admits that they have a problem AND wants to fix themselves for their own sake. It takes serious work to stay on a treatment plan and when someone doesn't want to, doesn't believe in it, only doing it to appease a partner, they'll quit or never fully follow through or otherwise harbor resentment against the partner which will come to a boil at some point.

    Another factor to consider is that he might be using such talk as a form of manipulation. You were in an argument and it was an easy way to win. Bet you stopped talking about your needs and turned attention back to him, not to mention are currently walking on eggshells around him. Win/win. He seems almost hyper and in a good mood because ...well....he is. He won.

    Rather than trying to untangle this mess, tell your family you need to get out of this. Yes, tell them the truth about him and get a divorce. Whatever you do, do not have kids with him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    he told me that before he met me he was planning on committing suicide after his brother wedding (which was about a month after we met). I was very worried and concerned, but he made it very clear that he didn't feel that way anymore and didn't want to act on it. I didn't pry because I didn't really know what to say or how to react, and it was a fairly new relationship.
    Well, water under the bridge now but that would have been my clue to exit the relationship unless he agreed to get himself to a psychiatrist, not a psychologist and was put on the proper meds, particularly if he had never gotten professional help for those thoughts that he said he had.

    Anyway, If I were you I'd be telling HIS folks what is going on in his head because I know a gal whose husband committed suicide after voicing he was contemplating it and his parents never forgave her for not letting them know the mental trouble he was in. Your husband's anger at you for disclosing I will assume would be far less emotionally damaging on you than a dead husband and (possibly) in laws that blame you for him being that way when they think had they only known, they could have somehow helped him/persuaded him to get the help he needs.

    Here where I live you can have him committed without his consent if he has threatened harm to himself or others. Ask your therapist what the rules are where you live.

    Good for you for going to a therapist yourself and getting help for your own general anxiety and that angst that your husband is triggering in you.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Oh man, this sounds difficult and scary.

    As a person who has suffered from suicidal ideation I would have to agree that a loving, but non-negotiable approach is best here. What worked for me was somebody I cared very deeply for telling me with all the loving and supportive nature they could muster that they'd walk through hell with me if I was doing my part to treat my issues, but they wouldn't go through hell alone on my behalf. They told me that I simply could not remain in their life until I chose to get help. They said they understood it wasn't personal if I chose not to seek treatment, that there would be no hard feelings, but there was zero "wiggle room" in the situation if they were going to stay in relationship with me and feel secure and healthy.

  10. #9
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    Yes it's a tough situation and I really feel for you OP.

    I'd also go down the route of you tell him he either gets professional help fast or you won't be sticking around. It's not upto you to save him, it's upto him.

    Good on you for starting therapy for your own problems. He should be doing this too for himself as well.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Girlinda
    I'm very close with my family and tell them everything, and they are usually very good as sharing life advice, however i feel like this is a very personal matter and not fair to him to bring up to my parents. I have made an appointment with a therapist to talk about it, but I'm worried about our future together and if he is ever going to have the urge to act on these thoughts.
    I think you should clue your parents into this situation because you need a support system. You simply can't deal with something like this alone. Also, if (god forbid) he does commit suicide, you will have people around who are prepared to help you.

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