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Thread: Worried for my husband

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Girlinda
    I've been married to my husband for 1 year, together for just over two. It came out early in the relationship that he suffered from anxiety, and so do I so I didn't think that it was a big deal. A few months into the relationship he told me that before he met me he was planning on committing suicide after his brother wedding (which was about a month after we met). I was very worried and concerned, but he made it very clear that he didn't feel that way anymore and didn't want to act on it. I didn't pry because I didn't really know what to say or how to react, and it was a fairly new relationship. I took his word for it that he was getting better. Every few months I question him sometimes to see how he's feeling, but always says that he is great and doesn't have any negative thoughts anymore. A few days ago, we got into a fight because i feel like he has been distant and not interested in anything. In a rage and what felt like a panic, he slapped his hands on the table and stated with tears streaming down his face that he has been wanting to "leave" not the relationship but has been having suicidal thoughts for the past couple years. We talked about it for a while and he said that he doesn't have the thoughts every day and if he was going to do something he would have by now. I'ts really scary knowing that before he met me he had a legitimate plan and still has those thoughts either periodically or every day, I dont really think I know the full truth. That night he was very high energy and acted like nothing happened and he didn't say anything, similar to the next day. I don't understand why he hasn't gotten help and why he doesn't want to talk to someone. It's difficult to hold this secret, especially when I dont really know how he's actually feeling. I told him that im holding a lot of anxiety about it because as much as it doesn't seem like a big deal for him, it's upsetting, sad and scary to hear that your husband is having suicidal thoughts(whether he wants to act on them or not). His depression is hard on our relationship, he often doesn't want to communicate or is very short with me because he is in his own head. I just want him and us to be happy together and for him to get the help he needs. I'm very close with my family and tell them everything, and they are usually very good as sharing life advice, however i feel like this is a very personal matter and not fair to him to bring up to my parents. I have made an appointment with a therapist to talk about it, but I'm worried about our future together and if he is ever going to have the urge to act on these thoughts. I also suffer from situational anxiety and depression and have been through rough patches, but I have never experienced suicidal thoughts so It is difficult for me to relate. Im curious if anyone has experienced a similar situation and how to mitigate my anxiety and worry about him and our future.
    That bold part up there stands out to me because I think you're making things worse with your own anxiety. Sorry- I don't see this as an isolated issue with him being the focal point. Anyone having suicidal thoughts is enough to make others nervous or alert but if he hasn't shown any signs of it for awhile and you're poking or suspicious for re-occurrences, I think you're self-perpetuating a bad cycle.

    You're constantly looking to him for reassurance that he's not going to fall apart and I think it would drive anyone (not just him) up the wall. I understand you're worried but stop asking him for answers or fishing for issues when there aren't any. You seem hypervigilant, very nervous and constantly anxious. It's tough for anyone to relax around someone like that. I'd worry and fixate less on him and try working on your coping strategies for anxiety or anxious thoughts.

    Do you mind me asking what makes you feel that he's appearing distant? What does he do or say around you to make you feel that way? I ask so that we can go through those situations and uncover or tell where your anxious thoughts begin and where the concerns for your husband start.

  2. #12
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    My father suffered from depression -diagnosed as a teen, lived till his early 80s, did go through suicidal times (he and my mom were married for over 60 years). She was able to convince him to get help - therapy plus meds, plus some hospital stays - he was willing to do all of that - and when he wasn't quite willing (hospital) she was able to get him to go. It was so hard on her and our family. She was his hero. She is the reason he didn't commit suicide -that and the resources he was willing to avail himself of. My sibling and I did bear the impact -we had to walk on eggshells a lot and of course my mother had to devote so much time to caring for him. I don't think my father ever actually attempted suicide.

    I would take this extremely seriously - get him professional help and if he won't go look into your options. I wouldn't necessarily divorce.

  3. #13
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    That bold part up there stands out to me because I think you're making things worse with your own anxiety. Sorry- I don't see this as an isolated issue with him being the focal point. Anyone having suicidal thoughts is enough to make others nervous or alert but if he hasn't shown any signs of it for awhile and you're poking or suspicious for re-occurrences, I think you're self-perpetuating a bad cycle.

    You're constantly looking to him for reassurance that he's not going to fall apart and I think it would drive anyone (not just him) up the wall. I understand you're worried but stop asking him for answers or fishing for issues when there aren't any. You seem hypervigilant, very nervous and constantly anxious. It's tough for anyone to relax around someone like that. I'd worry and fixate less on him and try working on your coping strategies for anxiety or anxious thoughts.

    Do you mind me asking what makes you feel that he's appearing distant? What does he do or say around you to make you feel that way? I ask so that we can go through those situations and uncover or tell where your anxious thoughts begin and where the concerns for your husband start.
    I get where she is coming from for sure, but I disagree with Rose on this one. If somebody is suicidal thatís an issue with their own operating system - OP didnít cause it and canít do anything to cure it. Granted there are healthier and less healthy ways of dealing with ANY situation, but OP says she has begun her own therapy where she can address the fear/anger/confusion that expectedly and understandably comes along with a suicidal spouse. A good therapist will help her explore how to relate to her husband in a constructive way in regards to this topic.

    This was just part of my own path, and may not be a component to somebody elseís recovery, however it was SO helpful for me to work with professionals who helped lift the social taboo on talking about suicide. Myself and my support group had to learn how to talk about it out loud & openly and not feel guilty or ashamed about it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I get where she is coming from for sure, but I disagree with Rose on this one. If somebody is suicidal thatís an issue with their own operating system - OP didnít cause it and canít do anything to cure it. Granted there are healthier and less healthy ways of dealing with ANY situation, but OP says she has begun her own therapy where she can address the fear/anger/confusion that expectedly and understandably comes along with a suicidal spouse. A good therapist will help her explore how to relate to her husband in a constructive way in regards to this topic.

    This was just part of my own path, and may not be a component to somebody elseís recovery, however it was SO helpful for me to work with professionals who helped lift the social taboo on talking about suicide. Myself and my support group had to learn how to talk about it out loud & openly and not feel guilty or ashamed about it.
    I'm not saying she caused it but she is making the situation worse with her own issues and anxiety - continuing to ask the same questions because she's anxious about the relationship as a whole. In the bold portion I highlighted she keeps asking him about his feelings because she feels he distances himself from her. I think it's a matter of perspective. The guy might not be feeling distant at all and it's her own view or anxiety colouring the picture. That's why I asked what the situations were to trigger her sense of distance from her partner.

    This is a two-way street in my mind. It's not as easy as just dealing with one person with a history of suicidal thoughts. The other partner's perspective matters (hers, the OP) and how she interprets the situation based on her tendency to feel anxious about situations overall. I am still curious to hear about those situations or what else might lead her to feel distant from her partner.

    I think her husband does need help but I also think she can learn to develop better coping mechanisms under this stress or in the way she processes her husband's behaviours or habits/tendencies to withdraw.

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  6. #15
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Now that I agree with 100%

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