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Thread: LDR cheating help

  1. #1
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    LDR cheating help

    Ok so I met this girl on kik. We started off as friends and we just clicked so well. I felt she was perfect in so many ways. She was extremely beautiful and treated me the best Iíve ever felt. I met her back in March a few months after ending my relationship of 10 years due to the fact I was cheated on. Fast forward 2 months later and I meet maya. I wasnít looking for anything but just couldnít control myself with her we had so much in common and she had very similar values to me with loyalty and honesty being her top things. I have to mention she is from Norway and Iím from America. I knew that and continued to talk to her as a friend at the start but then like a month later she wanted to take it further. She never pushed for it but I could tell. She would send me pics all the time on snap and give me a ton of attention so the moment I asked if she wanted to be together she said yes. Now over these last 8 months she treated me so good. She gave me a good amount of attention and she always made time for me. I was very open with her about my past relationship and told her I was verbally abuvisue and it wasnít a good relationship I told her everything about me and she still loved me and wanted me. When I met maya I had gone through counseling and I came out back to the man I used to be. She would talk about her ex saying how she hates him and that he would physically abuse her and was verbally abuisve as well. She would always refer to him as the ex though. She told me he whole only see his kids on the weekend. She told me she hates Exs and anytime I brought up and experience with mine she would get so mad. She told me so many things about her she talked to me about our future she told me she wanted to get married to me and that no man has ever made her feel like I do and that she wants to have more kids with me. She would say things like she doesnít know what she would do if she lost me and that she canít wait for me to be a father figure to her girls. Now Norway is 7 hours ahead of America and we would always seem to talk at 12am my time which would be 7am her time while she was getting the girls ready and before she had to go into work at 10am.

    We talked basically everyday at that time on the phone and would text through the the day. As we got farther and farther into the relationship I felt something was off like maybe she was cheating on me. My ex really messed me up when she cheated on me so i was extremely worried here. No one had ever made me feel the way she did. I was the same for her. She told me how her ex treated her and all the things he did and it reminded me of my old self besides the physical abuse and cheating. We shared so much together she told me about what had been going on with her daughter because sheís in counseling right now for some issues she is having. the one thing about maya is she always had a hard time expressing her feelings. I always tried to encourage her and just be supportive of her. I always let her know it was safe to say anything with me and that I would have her back. I told her weíre a team and we can get through anything. I poured my heart in soul into this woman. We even talked about meeting up in March. I made her my number one priority giving as much time as I possibly could to her while a lot of the times she would say she was busy and things. We also FaceTimed a lot but it was also normally at my night her morning and I never really thought anything of it. I believed a lot of what she said. About getting her kids ready for school and all of it. She even let them talk to me on FaceTime. I was willing to be a father to her kids something most men canít handle. We spent hours each day with each other and I always tried to build her confidence up. She was also so down on herself and even when we would get into a disagreement she would always say things like she messes everything up and I would tell her no not at all. So a few days ago we go into an argument because I had seen she changed her stuff on kik and was wondering why she was even on there when we were talking. Her reasoning was because she was trying to check if I was using kik so she changed her stuff to see if i would notice. There had been a time some random girl messaged me on kik and I talked with her and it was all casual conversation I even mentioned multiple times I had a gf to this girl. Anyways this ďrandomĒ girl sent all the messages I sent to her to maya and she was upset and never let it go.

    Even though it was seriously a casual conversation she didnít like the fact I was talking to another girl. Every single day in this relationship I did my best to make her smile and to have her happy. Anything I could do I did to see this woman smile. We got snap back in April and had been using that to chat and she was always very sexual with me. Sent me tons of things and we even were on video chat together and she let me record what she was doing. Everything seemed so perfect and I wanted to believe that even if I had my doubts as i just wanted to be happy. I sent her goodnight videos and she would always send me pics of her for when I woke up of her and the girls. I never felt so much love with her and she never felt like this with anyone else either. Now when we got into a fight a few days ago about kik we didnít talk for 2 days. So I was on snap and I seen a name that it wanted me to add that wasnít American and I knew her daughters last name because she told me so I decided to take this name to Facebook. Here comes the big shocker I found out this was her supposed Ex but it wasnít her ex they are married. Like seriously married I seen pics of the girls on his profile so I knew this was him and her name was linked to it. Finding this out I was so hurt but I wasnít going to let this change me back into the man I was before. I brought this to her attention today and got some answers. She told me the whole 8 months we were talking they lived together. She said she everything was so good between me and her she didnít know what to do. She told me there was multiple times she wanted to tell me but just didnít. I asked her what this was to her and she says she really did mean what she says but itís hard to believe after what has happened. She tells me when everything you hear is bad things about yourself and you just feel worthless you are searching for something better. She says she always felt he had someone else because he was allowed to have all kinds of female friends and she wasnít allowed to have any male friends. She told me I told her things she never hears and things she had always wanted to hear basically from him. She said another reason she did this is because she wanted the right attention whatever that means.

    Everything I told her she wished she couldíve heard it from him. She told me she was scared to be alone as they have also been together 10 years just like me and my ex had. She says she just wanted to feel loved and feel she mattered and I did all of this. The worst part about it all is I almost gave up my 2 year old son to try to be with her and she knew about this and didnít say anything. The old version of myself wouldíve went off on her and said so many negative things but I didnít I just asked questions. She was quiet for long periods of time and I knew she always had a hard time expressing herself but I allowed her to call me so I can try to some closure. I told her I want to tell her husband so bad and she tells me you really want to destroy everything huh? Even though sheís the one whoís been playing us for a fool. She told me if he find out heís going to beat the out of her now idk if she was just saying this or of this is true she had mentioned physical abuse before. I feel like he needs to know even if he was a piece of crap dude I donít think anyone deserves to be cheated on. Now that I know whatís really been going on this whole time Iíve just tried to say my peace and leave but it seems like sheís not wanting me to and I just donít get it. Sheís adamant about explaining everything to me on the phone tomorrow but she had that chance tonight and didnít provide a lot of answers. I did talk to her tonight on snap in chat and did find out more like she said she honestly doesnít know what more to say. So I ask her whatís next for her? So she says she doesnít know and what she does know is that she needs someone to talk to. So I tell her whoís thatís going to be another random guy and she says no. Then I get into the part about her girls. Iím so sad for those girls because if sheís been telling the truth about him being physically and verbally abusive to her these girls are seeing that. She is setting the example for them by allowing this to happen and I told her that. I never knew this whole time he was living with her but it makes sense why her youngest would be having issues with counseling now. I told her I really did care about her girls and I told her that I get she doesnít want to leave him because she doesnít want to be alone but thatís itís unfair to those girls to have to see their dad put his hands on there mom and to verbally abuse her. I told her she needs to do what is right for those girls like it breaks my heart. If you canít do it for you do it for them.

    I told her sheís setting the example of what is right for her girls and how would she feel when she finds out her daughters bfs are being physical and verbally abusive to them? Mom lets it happen so it must be ok is what theyíll think. She then says true she never seen things from the other perspective. She then tells me she understands what I mean she really understands. I hope she does but who knows. So I ask her what do you understand and she tells me that she understands she needs to figure it out whatís best for everyone. I also gave her a little advice because I was so similar to he husband and I said it wonít ever change itís been going on for 10 years heís not going to just change unless he wants to because I didnít until I wanted to. I told her that even if he somehow decided he wanted to change itís to late. I gave her the example of what happened with me. I changed but it was in year 9 and 8 months later my ex cheated on me. I told her sheís been cheating on her husband this whole time so sheís past that point. The thing about my ex when she did that she knew she couldnít be with me anymore and it had to be over no matter what I wanted. With this woman she doesnít seem to understand that. She then asks me will it just be good for a bit then go back to where it was before? I told her it wonít ever be better period. It was never good for me again because the damage had been done to my ex. I explained to maya it took me losing my ex to really get me on the right path to becoming the man I used to be the man my ex always knew I could be. Iíve told her stuff like this before when we had talks but all she cared about was getting upset that I mentioned my ex. This time though she tells me thank you for telling me everything, I really appreciate it. She says she never talks to anyone and that she always just hides whatís inside of her. She says she knows that itís wrong that she does that and that the stuff Iím telling her she has so much she has to think about and says again that she really needs someone to talk to. I tell her talk to him you donít need me anymore. I tell her maybe this is why I came into your life.

    I told her I wouldíve did anything for her and I meant that. I told her everything I ever said I meant and it wasnít games to me. She then says she knows and she has a lot more to think about now. She tells me Iím a really good guy who deserves to have what I want in life. She tells me Iím a good dad and that I really have my feet on the ground. I tell her thatís because I went through a lot, I wanted to be better I didnít wanna settle. She then asks what did I do to change? I told her I got help and I leaned on my support system. I told her I wanted to be a better man for the next woman I was with. I had to acknowledge what I did and own up to it. Only way I could work on what I did was admitting I was a piece of crap but that I wanted to for myself and for my son. So then I proceed to ask her again what have you been thinking about? This time she says she has no words honestly. She says she feels empty, she says she feels nothing honestly. She says she canít even cry normal or anything. She then says to me seriously David you have to be strong, and that I really am strong. So I tell her do whatís best for those girls and I say Iím strong because I went through hell and came out on top. I tell her I lost the only person who probably really cared about me because I couldnít get it together. The next thing she said kinda really pissed me off. She says if I want, maybe she can find a time where she can talk to me. She then says I mean itís easy for her to open up to me about anything. So I say why me? I canít anymore. Youíre married and I donít want to be any part of that. I say if thatís what you want then you have to let me go. She then says because she trusts me. I then say I canít be the one for you I mean I wish things didnít happen the way they did. I tell her yea I donít trust her and that trust is gone.

    I tell her you will stay with him and use me to help you. Then I say even as a friend I would tell you to leave and youíre crazy for staying. Then she tells me I never told her so much before and that she really appreciate that I do. She then says she understands what i just said but that she still trusts me even if I donít trust her. I tell her donít trust me anymore. Iím going to leave and eventually not be here. I told her that maybe if she actually ever left I could actually talk to her again. I tell her to think all the talks we had about marriage, kids and a life together itís crazy now. I tell her I had the money to do it all and I thought we were so close. I tell her she is just settling and she could do so much better. I said my ex was settling as well for my crap when she couldíve been with someone who treated her better. Then she says ugh I understand, but that she still wants to talk to me if I let her. So then I tell her what do you want from me? I donít want to talk to someone whoís married. I tell her she wants to keep me around with him and thatís not cool at all. She then responds with I wanna talk to you, try to open herself up to someone for the first time ever. She says she never felt that before and that she knows itís weird. So I tell her people like me donít come around often in this world. People arenít loyal anymore and donít know what love is. I told her Iíve gone through so much and I know Iím one of a kind. I say maybe you will regret it maybe you wonít. I then ask her what is the point of trying to make me the first person she opens up with and ask her what sheís hoping to get out of it. She then tells me to find out how to fix things and to help her to understand what she should do and to let her speak her mind freely because Iíve always allowed her to do that. So then I say wow you want me to help you fix things with your husband? I tell her Iím good and I donít want any part of that. She then clarifies she wasnít talking about helping her fix things with her husband and to please say no if I donít want to because she doesnít want to beg me. So then I ask her to tell me what she means by fix things and she says she will tell me tomorrow evening on the phone if I let her. So I ask her one more time what are you trying to fix? This time she says herself and her thoughts. So I tell her I canít help her with that and ask her how does she think I can help her with that? She then says she wants me to listen to her talk. Itís like am I a therapist? So I tell her it all ends the same. It ends with you staying in a terrible marriage. I tell her I can only help people that actually want to do better. I tell her no part of me would stay in that marriage so I wouldnít be the right person because thatís what you want to hear. She then says I want to do better, thatís her point.

    She says she really wants that. So the question I ask next is why havenít you talked to your family? She then says itís complicated and that she will let me know everything tomorow if I just give her the chance. I tell her what donít you understand it has nothing to do with you. You can be the best to him and he wonít care. I gave her the example of I only cared once I lost my ex. So then tells me sheís to tired and she will talk to me tomorrow please? So I tell her I guess and that I honestly donít know what she wants from me. I tell her it sounds like you just want to use me some more. She says she will tell me, please if I want of course. She says I will understand and itís not using. I feel it is using but she doesnít see that. Sheís so adamant about talking to me tomorrow on the phone and I donít get it. Iím seriously lost here guys. I cared for this woman so much even more than my relationship of 10 years and I know that sounds crazy but everything was so good until this bombshell. Can anyone sympathize with her? What should I do here? Should cut off all communication?
    Last edited by Calikid321; 12-08-2019 at 03:18 AM.

  2. #2
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    Almost as pathetic, maybe moreso even, as/then my own personal dilemma. You havenít even met this girl. Those sorts of relationships are pure fantasy. You can talk about your future wishes and desires without ever having to know the truth about one another. I donít judge you, I got caught up in something myself. I felt the most special and valued than I have pretty much my entire life. It was just a fantasy.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by MaybeThen
    Almost as pathetic, maybe moreso even, as/then my own personal dilemma. You havenít even met this girl. Those sorts of relationships are pure fantasy. You can talk about your future wishes and desires without ever having to know the truth about one another. I donít judge you, I got caught up in something myself. I felt the most special and valued than I have pretty much my entire life. It was just a fantasy.
    We had talked about meeting up though this March. I FaceTimed with her a lot. I met her kids like she let them talk to me on FaceTime and Iím just shocked they never told there dad. What do I do in this situation? Why canít she just let me go?

  4. #4
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    OP, this is why you must never get wrapped up in an online fantasy without having spent any time together in person. All this talk of being in love and getting married and being a father figure to her kids was extremely premature. You have to stop putting the cart before the horse and get your feet back on the ground; you were in a vulnerable place when you started talking to this woman, I gather, and let yourself get swept in something that had no foundation in reality.

    She is not who she presented herself to be, and really, the chances of this ever having worked out the way you both dreamed of is slim to nil. This would be true even if she weren't already married. You live on different continents and she has kids. The logistics of relocating to other side of the world are complicated (I've done so myself and have lived abroad for about 7 years now) Add to that the challenges that come with blending a family, especially one that is culturally diverse, and you are looking at something that was never going to be the fairytale you imagined. You were both getting way ahead of yourselves and not using much logic.

    But make no mistake, you don't truly know this woman. You fell for the idea of her. The reality is that she is bored and unhappy in her marriage and looking to bait men into distracting her and fluffing up her ego. Online is "safe" because she can control how much interaction there is, particularly with a guy who lives on the other side of the ocean. The chances of that actually breaking up her marriage are low, which is how she wants it. You were a play-thing for her, someone to escape to a make-believe world for her. You have no idea whether anything she's told you about her allegedly terrible husband it true. And she exposed her children to this online relationship. So no, I most certainly do not sympathize with her. She is making very poor choices and has the audacity to bring her kids into it. Not good. You try to campaign for yourself by reminding her men like you are rare, and nobody is loyal anymore - do you really not see the irony in telling a cheating wife that? She isn't loyal. You are trying to prove your value to the wrong person.

    You need to stop communicating with her. It's not going anywhere and it never was; you just didn't know that until very recently. Unplug. Get out and meet some real, local woman with whom you can have an actual relationship. Slow way down and get to actually know someone before planning out any sort of future together.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    OP, this is why you must never get wrapped up in an online fantasy without having spent any time together in person. All this talk of being in love and getting married and being a father figure to her kids was extremely premature. You have to stop putting the cart before the horse and get your feet back on the ground; you were in a vulnerable place when you started talking to this woman, I gather, and let yourself get swept in something that had no foundation in reality.

    She is not who she presented herself to be, and really, the chances of this ever having worked out the way you both dreamed of is slim to nil. This would be true even if she weren't already married. You live on different continents and she has kids. The logistics of relocating to other side of the world are complicated (I've done so myself and have lived abroad for about 7 years now) Add to that the challenges that come with blending a family, especially one that is culturally diverse, and you are looking at something that was never going to be the fairytale you imagined. You were both getting way ahead of yourselves and not using much logic.

    But make no mistake, you don't truly know this woman. You fell for the idea of her. The reality is that she is bored and unhappy in her marriage and looking to bait men into distracting her and fluffing up her ego. Online is "safe" because she can control how much interaction there is, particularly with a guy who lives on the other side of the ocean. The chances of that actually breaking up her marriage are low, which is how she wants it. You were a play-thing for her, someone to escape to a make-believe world for her. You have no idea whether anything she's told you about her allegedly terrible husband it true. And she exposed her children to this online relationship. So no, I most certainly do not sympathize with her. She is making very poor choices and has the audacity to bring her kids into it. Not good. You try to campaign for yourself by reminding her men like you are rare, and nobody is loyal anymore - do you really not see the irony in telling a cheating wife that? She isn't loyal. You are trying to prove your value to the wrong person.

    You need to stop communicating with her. It's not going anywhere and it never was; you just didn't know that until very recently. Unplug. Get out and meet some real, local woman with whom you can have an actual relationship. Slow way down and get to actually know someone before planning out any sort of future together.
    Thank you for the advice. I really agree with that I was just a person she could mess around with. The thing is it felt genuine when she said things. Like before I found out she had a husband everything was really good. Itís like now sheís begging me to not leave and I donít understand. She says she wants to be better and all of this stuff. Itís hard because I did genuinely have feelings for her and I would have seriously did anything possible to make it work. Iím a huge lover and thatís my problem. I love so hard and give the other person all of me. I wasnít always like that though. She told me if she didnít have guests this night she wouldíve did something to herself. Itís like I donít want her to hurt herself and I feel like her husband has a right to know. I could message him on fb but I have a feeling she has his info and would be waiting for it. There certain things I can believe though. She does have really low self esteem about herself. I tried to build her up and make her feel good about herself. Sheís one of the most beautiful woman Iíve ever seen so for her to think sheís not good looking makes me really believe that she has been put down so much. God I hate having a big heart, part of me wants to help but part of me says I want to get away and leave this behind. Maybe she really does need someone. She says she will tell me everything on the phone if I give her the chance.

  7. #6
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    You need to get real with yourself, OP.

    This woman doesn't need your help. She needs to behave like the married woman she is. You are not her saviour nor the love of her life. Neither is she to you.

    Of course things felt real when you really wanted them to be, but they weren't. She is a dishonest person and she is trying to convince you to flush your dignity down the toilet and continue to be her side-distraction when her husband isn't around. Dude. Don't lower your standards that much. Be a man and kick this lying woman's butt to the virtual curb.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Calikid321
    We had talked about meeting up though this March. I FaceTimed with her a lot. I met her kids like she let them talk to me on FaceTime and Iím just shocked they never told there dad. What do I do in this situation? Why canít she just let me go?
    Because itís a fantasy for her. But it wasnít for you. So everything she told you was her feeling high off of the feelings and idea of a fantasy life, but she never intended to really make it her real life. You werenít privy to this and everything she did was a confirmation of her being validly into you


    Look at the post I made. I was just as confused as you. And I asked the same questions ďwhy this. Why that. It felt realĒ.

    These women are in love with the fantasy they derive from us.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You need to get real with yourself, OP.

    This woman doesn't need your help. She needs to behave like the married woman she is. You are not her saviour nor the love of her life. Neither is she to you.

    Of course things felt real when you really wanted them to be, but they weren't. She is a dishonest person and she is trying to convince you to flush your dignity down the toilet and continue to be her side-distraction when her husband isn't around. Dude. Don't lower your standards that much. Be a man and kick this lying woman's butt to the virtual curb.
    Youíre right I know you are. I feel so stupid and let down. I sent her so many pics and she sent me so many pics and videos as well. She actually just wrote me good morning and all I said was good morning. Iím going to try to distance myself. I would really hate for something to happen to her though like if she did really try to harm herself. The thing that never really made sense is when we got into a few arguments and we were actually going to be done she would come back around and try to get me to forgive her. My mind is just so confused. I actually reached out to my ex because were actually friends now and I feel the safest talking to her and she lets me know sheís there for me even though she has a bf and Iím so appreciative of that. Sheís said the same thing be done. She said donít contact her ex because what if he really beats her and itís because of me? She said I wouldnít want that on myself.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by MaybeThen
    Because itís a fantasy for her. But it wasnít for you. So everything she told you was her feeling high off of the feelings and idea of a fantasy life, but she never intended to really make it her real life. You werenít privy to this and everything she did was a confirmation of her being validly into you


    Look at the post I made. I was just as confused as you. And I asked the same questions ďwhy this. Why that. It felt realĒ.

    These women are in love with the fantasy they derive from us.
    Thank you I will check it out. Did you go and tell the the husband/bf what she had been doing? I donít get make believe stuff like everything I do is real. I try to understand some of what she said because me and my ex went through something very similar but she actually finally ended up leaving me.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Calikid321
    Thank you I will check it out. Did you go and tell the the husband/bf what she had been doing? I donít get make believe stuff like everything I do is real. I try to understand some of what she said because me and my ex went through something very similar but she actually finally ended up leaving me.
    Heís known about me, I had no idea she was still talking to him all the months I knew her. I thought we were a serious couple. But thats what she came clean about to me. That heís been there all along and she still has feelings for him. And she and I werenít as serious as I led myself to believe by her actions and things she would tell me.

    See when these women are far away from us, they can hide anything and reveal anything. I empathize with you because like you said for yourself - I wouldnít have done this to anyone so I didnít think it was being done to me.

    Itís easy to get wrapped up in it. You sound a lot like me, the bit about you two sending photos back and forth. We did that too. Almost everyday I got a photo from her blowing me a kiss, saying she misses me and loves me. I donít understand how people do that and itís a ďjoke.Ē But I think these women are hurting and unhappy and are using people like us to fulfill them and distract them. We give them an emotional escape.

    Itís hard to get over it. You think of every positive thing they did and wonder how it wasnít real. You just have to keep telling yourself you really donít know her, and it was just a fantasy for her.... and you. You got out of a bad relationship yourself and she was a reprieve for you. Salvation. A hope of a better life.

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