Jump to content

Scared of messing up... I've become a nervous teen again. *sigh*


MirrorKnight

Recommended Posts

Background

 

In 2019 I ended two relationships. Jane and Kathy, whom I wrote about on this forum... With Jane, essentially my heart wanted to love her and be with her, but my logical head told me that it would not work. With Kathy, my head told that me she was perfect (or as good as I'll get), but my heart refused to settle for a transactional relationship.

 

Lily

 

Last Friday, I went on a "pseudo-date" with a girl (let’s call her Lily) that both my head and heart are excited about... And now I'm really scared of screwing it up. I thought this horrible nervousness was a thing of the past! I've not felt this way about anyone since 2012. Ugh..

 

In short, Lily’s values align with mine much more closely than Kathy ever did, she seems to have a much more compatible personality and she is just as beautiful, if not more. I thought it was impossible to meet somebody who embodied the best parts of both Jane and Kathy, and ticks all the boxes, but potentially, Lily does just that. Yikes.

 

How we met

 

I met her at a friend’s birthday party (she is one of his flatmates) two Fridays ago. We got talking about some events near me and she expressed an interest in coming to the Friday night and Sunday afternoon ones. (I planned to go to the Friday night one only). Of course I was delighted. We ended up having dinner before the event (a networking thing) last Friday night and then going for drinks at a beer bar afterwards. We had a great time, and afterwards she said, “it’s been a long time since I relaxed and enjoyed myself like that”.

 

I probably got a bit eager at that point and said that we should grab dinner and see a movie after she finishes the Sunday afternoon event (a language class that I do not go to). She said she already had plans with a friend, but could maybe cancel to meet me instead.

 

The day after however, she asked to rearrange Sunday evening for the next Friday evening (so, this Friday, as of now) instead. Of course, I agreed... So what's the problem?

 

Tell me to calm down

 

As I said, I've not been so excited about meeting somebody since 2012... and although I think I did alright last Friday, now that we are more edging towards more obvious dating territory, I feel that my nerves are starting to cause me to make bad decisions, like being too eager about the "second date" (I know the first date was not technically a date) and maybe scaring her off.

 

Getting closer with Kathy was surprisingly easy (is that a sign that I was not so thrilled with her even from the start?) But Lily is even more out of my league, (she is just as pretty and actually richer than me... lol) so feeling quite insecure and inadequate, and hesitating about every message, every decision now...

 

For example, I wanted to see a movie with her, but if it's a Friday night, we got less time than a weekend day. So, if I had to pick between a movie or dinner, I'd pick dinner (more time to talk)... but she mentioned a movie in her last message, so I am hesitating about whether I should suggest dinner on Friday and a movie on Sunday instead... or is that too eager again? Or just go watch a movie on Friday night as a safe option? You see what I mean? I don't remember worrying over small details like this with Jane or Kathy, what is wrong with me?!

 

Tell me to calm down, tell me she might not be as great as she appears from just two meetings, tell me that if I focus on myself, there will be more Lily's out there even if this one falls through. If you put her on a pedestal, then she will smell the fear and inadequacy and you will have zero chance with her! etc etc...

Link to comment
  • Replies 58
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Tell me to calm down, tell me she might not be as great as she appears from just two meetings, tell me that if I focus on myself, there will be more Lily's out there even if this one falls through. If you put her on a pedestal, then she will smell the fear and inadequacy and you will have zero chance with her! etc etc...

 

Tell yourself OP! :)

 

It's okay to be nervous and excited by the way... it's one of the best parts of meeting someone new that we click with.

 

Can you just feel the feelings without acting on them and still remain objective? Can you take this one day at a time... and be okay with either short or long term with this girl?

 

Because remember, you don't know her. You are looking for a particular criteria for a partner, and while on the surface it would seem she is "checking the boxes" you still don't know her, like at all. And you don't know how she feels about you, whether she sees you the same way you see her. You want to make sure you are investing your time in a relationship that will be reciprocal, that flows naturally without being forced.

Link to comment
Tell yourself OP! :)

 

It's okay to be nervous and excited by the way... it's one of the best parts of meeting someone new that we click with.

 

Can you just feel the feelings without acting on them and still remain objective? Can you take this one day at a time... and be okay with either short or long term with this girl?

 

Because remember, you don't know her. You are looking for a particular criteria for a partner, and while on the surface it would seem she is "checking the boxes" you still don't know her, like at all. And you don't know how she feels about you, whether she sees you the same way you see her. You want to make sure you are investing your time in a relationship that will be reciprocal, that flows naturally without being forced.

 

This.

 

You're pretty prone to check boxes on these fronts, and do the early comparison tests—all good. It's a thing many people do, and do early. You're smart enough to know it's just emotional exhaust fumes—you spelled it out yourself—so just remind yourself of that. Inhale the fumes, exhale the fumes, see about Friday. It's one night, not a pivotal night in your life. It will go where it goes, with anywhere it goes being exactly where it is supposed to go.

 

"Nervous" is just a negative synonym for "excited," so remember that too. This is exciting. Exciting things are joyous things. Enjoy it.

 

The only box I really cared about with dating was whether I wanted to see the person one more time. Maybe try to approach it all like that? I actually think you were pretty dang excited about Kathy once upon a time—I'm remembering your initial post on ENA—and so that experience is just a reminder that you really don't know a thing until you've spent more time with anyone. That includes Lilly. In your shoes, that would be how I used my past "data" to do present computations of the sort your brain is fond of.

 

I do get the movie/dinner thinking, though. I've never done movie dates myself, perhaps for that reason. That said, a dinner is a dinner, a movie is a movie, a date is a date. One thing at a time. Excited for you!

Link to comment
Tell yourself OP! :)

 

It's okay to be nervous and excited by the way... it's one of the best parts of meeting someone new that we click with.

 

Can you just feel the feelings without acting on them and still remain objective? Can you take this one day at a time... and be okay with either short or long term with this girl?

 

Because remember, you don't know her. You are looking for a particular criteria for a partner, and while on the surface it would seem she is "checking the boxes" you still don't know her, like at all. And you don't know how she feels about you, whether she sees you the same way you see her. You want to make sure you are investing your time in a relationship that will be reciprocal, that flows naturally without being forced.

 

Yes, this. You're not a victim of /controlled by your feelings. You choose how to react.

(This reminds me of when my parents met at a party in the early 1950s. My grandfather did manual labor and my mother, upon learning my father was planning to be a doctor, lied and said he was a business executive and my father, too shy to ask for her phone number asked for her "father's last name" so he could look up her number in the phone book - they were both nervous and excited and it went ok and went on for over 60 years of marriage).

Link to comment

The best thing I did was to treat each date like you are going out with a great friend, and focusing on having a great time! Get the whole does this person check all the boxes or can I settle down with this person little voice out of your head. Focus on the moment, and enjoy it. Do a dinner and a movie night at a theater!!! You will be fine. Don't put the cart in front of the horse, meaning, anyone you think who's poop doesn't smell like poop, you just don't know well enough. No one is perfect. Everyone's got issues and demons to deal with. The fun part of dating is taking your time to learn if they are the perfect one for you. Take a deep breath. And masturbate before the date. I know that's gross, but it may help get that off your mind.

Link to comment

You're ok, MK. I don't think you need to calm down. It's exciting meeting someone new. Just be yourself and don't worry about the dinner/movie or whatever it turns out to be. I'm surprised she suggested a movie. Both of you might be feeling the same nervousness and it's perfectly all right. Let it all shake out and happen naturally. You'll get to know each other a bit better. Don't worry about rushing things.

 

I'd go for the movie since she suggested it and it's what's she's interested in. Be a gentleman about it and buy her popcorn and wine if she doesn't beat you to getting you both food and drinks first. You can also ask her what she'd like to see and pay for the tickets in advance. Go for the adult movie theaters or VIP. There's an alcohol selection there and it's roomier. You don't always need to pair dinner with a movie to enjoy the experience. Leave the talking for later when you have some material to discuss like the movie plot or how it tanked or how great it was. Whether you do both movie and dinner depends on how much time either of you have and I'd check in with her what her availability is.

Link to comment

What happened to the one who had booked her flight to see you ? I never caught the final outcome.

 

*sigh*... that was Jane. I strongly discouraged her from coming, including telling her that I had a girlfriend, which is not technically true anymore. But she sank over £1,500 of her money into the trip already on flights and hotel bookings... Last I checked, she is coming tomorrow. Though she rang me about 2hrs ago crying hysterically because I told her that I will be away on my own trip for a part of her stay here.

 

She was crying so hard that I could not make out what she was saying, but I heard snippets of pretty awful things. I think that maybe the fact that I don't want her back is finally dawning on her and she is lashing out.

 

I feel so awful, I really hope she does not do something stupid... but what can I do? I was honest with her from the start, I tried to minimize the harm of breaking up, I've been considerate and generous... but she is just not letting go. Surely I am not obligated to take her back just because she cannot handle being alone?!

Link to comment
*sigh*... that was Jane. I strongly discouraged her from coming, including telling her that I had a girlfriend, which is not technically true anymore. But she sank over £1,500 of her money into the trip already on flights and hotel bookings... Last I checked, she is coming tomorrow. Though she rang me about 2hrs ago crying hysterically because I told her that I will be away on my own trip for a part of her stay here.

 

She was crying so hard that I could not make out what she was saying, but I heard snippets of pretty awful things. I think that maybe the fact that I don't want her back is finally dawning on her and she is lashing out.

 

I feel so awful, I really hope she does not do something stupid... but what can I do? I was honest with her from the start, I tried to minimize the harm of breaking up, I've been considerate and generous... but she is just not letting go. Surely I am not obligated to take her back just because she cannot handle being alone?!

 

No of course you are not expected to take her back , not for any reason never mind her being alone ....and imagine if you did ...arghhh you would NEVER be able to set yourself free again . She has really really tried to back you into a corner and fool herself into thinking she can make this ok again ...keep up your momentum MK , sounds like she is close to * getting it * ..well I hope so for your sake and for hers to be honest ..because this is doing her no good either . Keep us posted .

Link to comment
No of course you are not expected to take her back , not for any reason never mind her being alone ....and imagine if you did ...arghhh you would NEVER be able to set yourself free again . She has really really tried to back you into a corner and fool herself into thinking she can make this ok again ...keep up your momentum MK , sounds like she is close to * getting it * ..well I hope so for your sake and for hers to be honest ..because this is doing her no good either . Keep us posted .

 

*Sigh*... She confirmed that she was at the airport earlier. So yeah, that's happening. The irony is that since I broke up with her, she has proven that she can take initiative and grow, and do things that she used to find very intimidating, like driving on the motorway, planning and going on long-distance trips by herself, taking steps with her career and education after a decade of stagnation. All really positive things... but I know she is only doing them to try to get me back, so she is doing the right things for the wrong reasons.

 

Hopefully she isn't standing at your door when you are with Lily. This sounds like a scene from 'Fatal Attraction' waiting to happen.

 

Make sure you don't meet Jane. It will make things worse.

 

I'm afraid that is not really an option. Not only would it be extremely cruel after she flew thousands of miles to come meet me, she knows where I live and where I work, so if I ignored her, she will no doubt just show up at my doorstep.

Link to comment

Well, you have no choice unless you plan to take her along on your movie date.

 

You’re going to have a really hard time getting something going with Lily with Jane still part of your life.

 

Put Jane in a taxi or Uber and tell her she needs to check into a hotel. If you don't she'll end up moving in with you and never leaving.

Link to comment
Well, you have no choice unless you plan to take her along on your movie date.

 

You’re going to have a really hard time getting something going with Lily with Jane still part of your life.

 

Put Jane in a taxi or Uber and tell her she needs to check into a hotel. If you don't she'll end up moving in with you and never leaving.

 

Thankfully, she has booked a hotel. I don't have my apartment all to myself anyway and there is no free room here. Obviously it would be inappropriate for her to stay with me, even if I am technically single now.

 

I just need to get through the next 2 weeks or so and then I will be flying off on my own trip and she will have to go back to the UK.

Link to comment

Ooof.

 

That, I imagine, is going to make it a bit of a challenge to be present on your date. Two weeks she's staying?

 

Anyhow, how I'd try to look at this moment with Jane? Emotional exhaust fumes. Everyone emits them following a breakup, some with more grace than others. In the big picture this moment—her trip—is just an asterisk to a footnote of the breakup. Make that the story in your mind: a weird, unfortunate blimp before you both return to stability and sanity, as separate people.

Link to comment
I'm afraid that is not really an option. Not only would it be extremely cruel after she flew thousands of miles to come meet me, she knows where I live and where I work, so if I ignored her, she will no doubt just show up at my doorstep.

 

 

You are kinder than me. She's flown 1000's of miles on her own accord against your advice saying you can't see her. I'd tell her to enjoy her holiday. I'd call the police if she turned up at my house or work. Her behaviour is worrying and not right. Right now she's thinking "great Mirrorknight is going to see me, that means there is hope". Of course it's your call.

Link to comment

Oh blimey MK ...should we get the popcorn in now !

 

but I know she is only doing them to try to get me back, so she is doing the right things for the wrong reasons.

 

yep at the moment , but in the end , when she has finally moved on and healed she will realise that this will have given her more freedom and courage to live a good life .

 

You 100% have to make sure you don't give so much of a glimmer of hope , I know you actually don't want to , but just be on your guard with everything you do and say ...I don't envy either of you right now .

Link to comment
*sigh*... that was Jane. I strongly discouraged her from coming, including telling her that I had a girlfriend, which is not technically true anymore. But she sank over £1,500 of her money into the trip already on flights and hotel bookings... Last I checked, she is coming tomorrow. Though she rang me about 2hrs ago crying hysterically because I told her that I will be away on my own trip for a part of her stay here.

 

She was crying so hard that I could not make out what she was saying, but I heard snippets of pretty awful things. I think that maybe the fact that I don't want her back is finally dawning on her and she is lashing out.

 

I feel so awful, I really hope she does not do something stupid... but what can I do? I was honest with her from the start, I tried to minimize the harm of breaking up, I've been considerate and generous... but she is just not letting go. Surely I am not obligated to take her back just because she cannot handle being alone?!

Then you continuing to be in contact with her is rather cruel of you, actually. Why haven't you blocked and deleted her so she can have a chance at getting over you? By continuing contact, you are enabling her stalkery. If she shows up at your work or home without being invited then call your lawyer for a restraining order to be served on her. That may sound like a cruel thing to do (no contact and if needed, the rest of it to cement in her brain that it's over) but it's crueler to allow her to keep thinking you're going to eventually take her back because you keep entertaining and falling for her hysterics.

Link to comment

but in the end , when she has finally moved on and healed she will realise that this will have given her more freedom and courage to live a good life .

 

You 100% have to make sure you don't give so much of a glimmer of hope , I know you actually don't want to , but just be on your guard with everything you do and say ...I don't envy either of you right now .

 

1) I hope you are right. I want her to be happy, she deserves it.

 

2) Yes, I intend to see her just enough to stop her showing up at my front door or causing a scene at work, but making it clear that we are just friends.

Link to comment
Then you continuing to be in contact with her is rather cruel of you, actually. Why haven't you blocked and deleted her so she can have a chance at getting over you? By continuing contact, you are enabling her stalkery. If she shows up at your work or home without being invited then call your lawyer for a restraining order to be served on her. That may sound like a cruel thing to do (no contact and if needed, the rest of it to cement in her brain that it's over) but it's crueler to allow her to keep thinking you're going to eventually take her back because you keep entertaining and falling for her hysterics.

 

The main reason is that she is still living in my house (whilst I am living overseas - we are not still living togther, to be clear) because she has been estranged from her sister for over a year now and has nowhere to go if I kick her out. That said, I have given her a deadline to leave because the current arrangement is not sustainable.

 

There is quite a lot of background reasons that I sort of talked about in my posts before I broke up with her. In short, I am partly responsible for causing the rift between her and her sister(s) and destroying the safe bubble that she lived in all her life. I feel guilty about how things turned out, and all the tears I caused. Even if I did not mean for it to happen, and I don't really think that I am at fault, without me, she would not be estranged from her sister.

Link to comment

Oh, yes i remember now that she lives in your home and you are currently overseas. When is she to be out if she's spending all that time on holiday where you currently are?

but making it clear that we are just friends.
Oh, I wouldn't tell her that. Just shut her down if she crosses boundaries and then once she's out of your house, fade.

 

You don't want her in your life to cause havoc with any new relationship you happen to form.

Link to comment

What do you mean when you say that "without you" the estrangement wouldn't exist? Best I understand things the math is that (a) she chose to date you and (b) her sister chose to react however she did. I understand the guilt—it's a feeling that certain chapters in life inflict—but the hard math here is that you are not responsible for the choices and behavior of these two adults, or any adult but yourself.

 

For what it's worth: I had one kind of messy breakup, along these lines. It was a short thing, so the emotional hooks weren't so deep, but in the wake of it—months later, actually—it got kind of dicey. Stalker stuff.

 

I have a predisposition to the the "good guy" in nearly any setting—a generally good quality, but one that can get the better of me in various ways. So I had certain thoughts (should I engage? am I partly responsible?) but what I did was stone silence. Refused to fan the flames. It was honest—and, I think, kind of respected the fact that we were both just people, that neither of us had any kind of "power" over the other. End result? An awkward few weeks that faded out. No idea where that person is today. Doing well, I hope, while being happy to have no connection.

 

This can be that for you, if you just disengage and trust that Jane is a person and let go of the idea that you hold any real power over her, or responsibility for where she is and the choices she's making. Lot of words to say: the kindest thing to do, over these next few weeks, may be to let her spend them on her own.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...