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Thread: Scared of messing up... I've become a nervous teen again. *sigh*

  1. #21
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Ooof.
    That, I imagine, is going to make it a bit of a challenge to be present on your date. Two weeks she's staying?
    She is staying for 3 weeks, but I will be away for most of the last week on an unrelated trip.

  2. #22
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    but in the end , when she has finally moved on and healed she will realise that this will have given her more freedom and courage to live a good life .

    You 100% have to make sure you don't give so much of a glimmer of hope , I know you actually don't want to , but just be on your guard with everything you do and say ...I don't envy either of you right now .
    1) I hope you are right. I want her to be happy, she deserves it.

    2) Yes, I intend to see her just enough to stop her showing up at my front door or causing a scene at work, but making it clear that we are just friends.

  3. #23
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Then you continuing to be in contact with her is rather cruel of you, actually. Why haven't you blocked and deleted her so she can have a chance at getting over you? By continuing contact, you are enabling her stalkery. If she shows up at your work or home without being invited then call your lawyer for a restraining order to be served on her. That may sound like a cruel thing to do (no contact and if needed, the rest of it to cement in her brain that it's over) but it's crueler to allow her to keep thinking you're going to eventually take her back because you keep entertaining and falling for her hysterics.
    The main reason is that she is still living in my house (whilst I am living overseas - we are not still living togther, to be clear) because she has been estranged from her sister for over a year now and has nowhere to go if I kick her out. That said, I have given her a deadline to leave because the current arrangement is not sustainable.

    There is quite a lot of background reasons that I sort of talked about in my posts before I broke up with her. In short, I am partly responsible for causing the rift between her and her sister(s) and destroying the safe bubble that she lived in all her life. I feel guilty about how things turned out, and all the tears I caused. Even if I did not mean for it to happen, and I don't really think that I am at fault, without me, she would not be estranged from her sister.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Oh, yes i remember now that she lives in your home and you are currently overseas. When is she to be out if she's spending all that time on holiday where you currently are?
    but making it clear that we are just friends.
    Oh, I wouldn't tell her that. Just shut her down if she crosses boundaries and then once she's out of your house, fade.

    You don't want her in your life to cause havoc with any new relationship you happen to form.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What do you mean when you say that "without you" the estrangement wouldn't exist? Best I understand things the math is that (a) she chose to date you and (b) her sister chose to react however she did. I understand the guilt—it's a feeling that certain chapters in life inflict—but the hard math here is that you are not responsible for the choices and behavior of these two adults, or any adult but yourself.

    For what it's worth: I had one kind of messy breakup, along these lines. It was a short thing, so the emotional hooks weren't so deep, but in the wake of it—months later, actually—it got kind of dicey. Stalker stuff.

    I have a predisposition to the the "good guy" in nearly any setting—a generally good quality, but one that can get the better of me in various ways. So I had certain thoughts (should I engage? am I partly responsible?) but what I did was stone silence. Refused to fan the flames. It was honest—and, I think, kind of respected the fact that we were both just people, that neither of us had any kind of "power" over the other. End result? An awkward few weeks that faded out. No idea where that person is today. Doing well, I hope, while being happy to have no connection.

    This can be that for you, if you just disengage and trust that Jane is a person and let go of the idea that you hold any real power over her, or responsibility for where she is and the choices she's making. Lot of words to say: the kindest thing to do, over these next few weeks, may be to let her spend them on her own.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Somehow all the new threads always turn into a Jane drama, MK. If you learn anything from the relationship with Jane and how to break up with someone I think it should be the necessity ending a relationship in its entirety before attempting to move on or date anyone else. Lily may be great but it's not going to last if Jane is still in the picture.

  8. #27
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    She works doesn't she? Jane I mean. She ca find somewhere to rent surely? She doesn't have to stay in your house. She must have money she's coming on a 3 week trip. Somethings not adding up here.

  9. #28
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Oh, yes i remember now that she lives in your home and you are currently overseas. When is she to be out if she's spending all that time on holiday where you currently are?
    I gave her 3 months to arrange a departure, she's got just under 2 months left... but truth be told, she is still in denial. Once she leaves, I will msg one of her sisters (the one who is slightly more sane and less estranged) to help her arrange her departure from my house. I don't want this to get mean/nasty... but obviously her staying there is actually costing me money, as well as being inappropriate when I inevitably go back to the UK.

  10. #29
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What do you mean when you say that "without you" the estrangement wouldn't exist? Best I understand things the math is that (a) she chose to date you and (b) her sister chose to react however she did. I understand the guilt—it's a feeling that certain chapters in life inflict—but the hard math here is that you are not responsible for the choices and behavior of these two adults, or any adult but yourself.

    For what it's worth: I had one kind of messy breakup, along these lines. It was a short thing, so the emotional hooks weren't so deep, but in the wake of it—months later, actually—it got kind of dicey. Stalker stuff.

    I have a predisposition to the the "good guy" in nearly any setting—a generally good quality, but one that can get the better of me in various ways. So I had certain thoughts (should I engage? am I partly responsible?) but what I did was stone silence. Refused to fan the flames. It was honest—and, I think, kind of respected the fact that we were both just people, that neither of us had any kind of "power" over the other. End result? An awkward few weeks that faded out. No idea where that person is today. Doing well, I hope, while being happy to have no connection.

    This can be that for you, if you just disengage and trust that Jane is a person and let go of the idea that you hold any real power over her, or responsibility for where she is and the choices she's making. Lot of words to say: the kindest thing to do, over these next few weeks, may be to let her spend them on her own.
    Yes, basically what you described. I believe that I behaved with dignity and respect, and gave the sisters all the time and space that they could have used to resolve things. But Jane's eldest sister is too bitter, too angry and too broken to accept anything other than total capitulation and surrender to her tyranny, it is her way or the high way, there was no negotiation to be had, no reasoning to be done, partly because she (along with the other sister) refused to even ever meet me, considering me an outsider in an internal family problem, and because they knew that Jane lacked the ability to stand up for herself.

    Jane insisted that her sisters were kind and nice to her, but that is because she used to just be a doormat who obeyed. Even the less crazy younger sister basically lives at subsidized cost in Jane (and her elder sister's) house, and has the audacity to demand Jane contribute more towards housework, in a house that she is not even welcome to stay at anymore, despite paying 100% of the mortgage costs. It is utterly absurd and incenses me just to think about it!

    Ugh... got carried away. My point was, although I don't think what happened was my fault... there is a casual relation there. Jane had been single all her life, she had lived in that bubble at home, her sisters sort of took advantage of her, but she was oblivious and mostly happy and carefree. Then we met, fell in love and shattered her world... Only for me to discover that we were incompatible. She calls herself a limpet. She got ripped out of the shell she had lived in all her life to be with me. And now I want her out of the new shell she suctioned onto me. She is really struggling. Hence my guilt...

  11. #30
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Somehow all the new threads always turn into a Jane drama, MK. If you learn anything from the relationship with Jane and how to break up with someone I think it should be the necessity ending a relationship in its entirety before attempting to move on or date anyone else. Lily may be great but it's not going to last if Jane is still in the picture.
    *sigh* yeah this thread has been totally derailed by Jane. I'm really at a loss for how to correctly break up with somebody like Jane. She is actually unwell and fragile. I feel like brutal honesty will actually destroy her.

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