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Thread: Scared of messing up... I've become a nervous teen again. *sigh*

  1. #1
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Scared of messing up... I've become a nervous teen again. *sigh*

    Background

    In 2019 I ended two relationships. Jane and Kathy, whom I wrote about on this forum... With Jane, essentially my heart wanted to love her and be with her, but my logical head told me that it would not work. With Kathy, my head told that me she was perfect (or as good as I'll get), but my heart refused to settle for a transactional relationship.

    Lily

    Last Friday, I went on a "pseudo-date" with a girl (let’s call her Lily) that both my head and heart are excited about... And now I'm really scared of screwing it up. I thought this horrible nervousness was a thing of the past! I've not felt this way about anyone since 2012. Ugh..

    In short, Lily’s values align with mine much more closely than Kathy ever did, she seems to have a much more compatible personality and she is just as beautiful, if not more. I thought it was impossible to meet somebody who embodied the best parts of both Jane and Kathy, and ticks all the boxes, but potentially, Lily does just that. Yikes.

    How we met

    I met her at a friend’s birthday party (she is one of his flatmates) two Fridays ago. We got talking about some events near me and she expressed an interest in coming to the Friday night and Sunday afternoon ones. (I planned to go to the Friday night one only). Of course I was delighted. We ended up having dinner before the event (a networking thing) last Friday night and then going for drinks at a beer bar afterwards. We had a great time, and afterwards she said, “it’s been a long time since I relaxed and enjoyed myself like that”.

    I probably got a bit eager at that point and said that we should grab dinner and see a movie after she finishes the Sunday afternoon event (a language class that I do not go to). She said she already had plans with a friend, but could maybe cancel to meet me instead.

    The day after however, she asked to rearrange Sunday evening for the next Friday evening (so, this Friday, as of now) instead. Of course, I agreed... So what's the problem?

    Tell me to calm down

    As I said, I've not been so excited about meeting somebody since 2012... and although I think I did alright last Friday, now that we are more edging towards more obvious dating territory, I feel that my nerves are starting to cause me to make bad decisions, like being too eager about the "second date" (I know the first date was not technically a date) and maybe scaring her off.

    Getting closer with Kathy was surprisingly easy (is that a sign that I was not so thrilled with her even from the start?) But Lily is even more out of my league, (she is just as pretty and actually richer than me... lol) so feeling quite insecure and inadequate, and hesitating about every message, every decision now...

    For example, I wanted to see a movie with her, but if it's a Friday night, we got less time than a weekend day. So, if I had to pick between a movie or dinner, I'd pick dinner (more time to talk)... but she mentioned a movie in her last message, so I am hesitating about whether I should suggest dinner on Friday and a movie on Sunday instead... or is that too eager again? Or just go watch a movie on Friday night as a safe option? You see what I mean? I don't remember worrying over small details like this with Jane or Kathy, what is wrong with me?!

    Tell me to calm down, tell me she might not be as great as she appears from just two meetings, tell me that if I focus on myself, there will be more Lily's out there even if this one falls through. If you put her on a pedestal, then she will smell the fear and inadequacy and you will have zero chance with her! etc etc...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds a bit better than Jane or Kathy.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Tell me to calm down, tell me she might not be as great as she appears from just two meetings, tell me that if I focus on myself, there will be more Lily's out there even if this one falls through. If you put her on a pedestal, then she will smell the fear and inadequacy and you will have zero chance with her! etc etc...
    Tell yourself OP! :)

    It's okay to be nervous and excited by the way... it's one of the best parts of meeting someone new that we click with.

    Can you just feel the feelings without acting on them and still remain objective? Can you take this one day at a time... and be okay with either short or long term with this girl?

    Because remember, you don't know her. You are looking for a particular criteria for a partner, and while on the surface it would seem she is "checking the boxes" you still don't know her, like at all. And you don't know how she feels about you, whether she sees you the same way you see her. You want to make sure you are investing your time in a relationship that will be reciprocal, that flows naturally without being forced.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Keep it to one date a week unless or until she asks for more. That may give you time to calm down - But I doubt it!

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  6. #5
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    I can honestly say ...this is probably the only bit I miss about men/dating , this excited feeling , the nerves , the anticipation ...it's wonderful , so just enjoy it mate !

    What happened to the one who had booked her flight to see you ? I never caught the final outcome.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Tell yourself OP! :)

    It's okay to be nervous and excited by the way... it's one of the best parts of meeting someone new that we click with.

    Can you just feel the feelings without acting on them and still remain objective? Can you take this one day at a time... and be okay with either short or long term with this girl?

    Because remember, you don't know her. You are looking for a particular criteria for a partner, and while on the surface it would seem she is "checking the boxes" you still don't know her, like at all. And you don't know how she feels about you, whether she sees you the same way you see her. You want to make sure you are investing your time in a relationship that will be reciprocal, that flows naturally without being forced.
    This.

    You're pretty prone to check boxes on these fronts, and do the early comparison tests—all good. It's a thing many people do, and do early. You're smart enough to know it's just emotional exhaust fumes—you spelled it out yourself—so just remind yourself of that. Inhale the fumes, exhale the fumes, see about Friday. It's one night, not a pivotal night in your life. It will go where it goes, with anywhere it goes being exactly where it is supposed to go.

    "Nervous" is just a negative synonym for "excited," so remember that too. This is exciting. Exciting things are joyous things. Enjoy it.

    The only box I really cared about with dating was whether I wanted to see the person one more time. Maybe try to approach it all like that? I actually think you were pretty dang excited about Kathy once upon a time—I'm remembering your initial post on ENA—and so that experience is just a reminder that you really don't know a thing until you've spent more time with anyone. That includes Lilly. In your shoes, that would be how I used my past "data" to do present computations of the sort your brain is fond of.

    I do get the movie/dinner thinking, though. I've never done movie dates myself, perhaps for that reason. That said, a dinner is a dinner, a movie is a movie, a date is a date. One thing at a time. Excited for you!

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    Originally Posted by maew
    Tell yourself OP! :)

    It's okay to be nervous and excited by the way... it's one of the best parts of meeting someone new that we click with.

    Can you just feel the feelings without acting on them and still remain objective? Can you take this one day at a time... and be okay with either short or long term with this girl?

    Because remember, you don't know her. You are looking for a particular criteria for a partner, and while on the surface it would seem she is "checking the boxes" you still don't know her, like at all. And you don't know how she feels about you, whether she sees you the same way you see her. You want to make sure you are investing your time in a relationship that will be reciprocal, that flows naturally without being forced.
    Yes, this. You're not a victim of /controlled by your feelings. You choose how to react.
    (This reminds me of when my parents met at a party in the early 1950s. My grandfather did manual labor and my mother, upon learning my father was planning to be a doctor, lied and said he was a business executive and my father, too shy to ask for her phone number asked for her "father's last name" so he could look up her number in the phone book - they were both nervous and excited and it went ok and went on for over 60 years of marriage).

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    The best thing I did was to treat each date like you are going out with a great friend, and focusing on having a great time! Get the whole does this person check all the boxes or can I settle down with this person little voice out of your head. Focus on the moment, and enjoy it. Do a dinner and a movie night at a theater!!! You will be fine. Don't put the cart in front of the horse, meaning, anyone you think who's poop doesn't smell like poop, you just don't know well enough. No one is perfect. Everyone's got issues and demons to deal with. The fun part of dating is taking your time to learn if they are the perfect one for you. Take a deep breath. And masturbate before the date. I know that's gross, but it may help get that off your mind.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're ok, MK. I don't think you need to calm down. It's exciting meeting someone new. Just be yourself and don't worry about the dinner/movie or whatever it turns out to be. I'm surprised she suggested a movie. Both of you might be feeling the same nervousness and it's perfectly all right. Let it all shake out and happen naturally. You'll get to know each other a bit better. Don't worry about rushing things.

    I'd go for the movie since she suggested it and it's what's she's interested in. Be a gentleman about it and buy her popcorn and wine if she doesn't beat you to getting you both food and drinks first. You can also ask her what she'd like to see and pay for the tickets in advance. Go for the adult movie theaters or VIP. There's an alcohol selection there and it's roomier. You don't always need to pair dinner with a movie to enjoy the experience. Leave the talking for later when you have some material to discuss like the movie plot or how it tanked or how great it was. Whether you do both movie and dinner depends on how much time either of you have and I'd check in with her what her availability is.

  11. #10
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    What happened to the one who had booked her flight to see you ? I never caught the final outcome.
    *sigh*... that was Jane. I strongly discouraged her from coming, including telling her that I had a girlfriend, which is not technically true anymore. But she sank over £1,500 of her money into the trip already on flights and hotel bookings... Last I checked, she is coming tomorrow. Though she rang me about 2hrs ago crying hysterically because I told her that I will be away on my own trip for a part of her stay here.

    She was crying so hard that I could not make out what she was saying, but I heard snippets of pretty awful things. I think that maybe the fact that I don't want her back is finally dawning on her and she is lashing out.

    I feel so awful, I really hope she does not do something stupid... but what can I do? I was honest with her from the start, I tried to minimize the harm of breaking up, I've been considerate and generous... but she is just not letting go. Surely I am not obligated to take her back just because she cannot handle being alone?!

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