Lamenting my last relationship

Well, it’s been a few months since I broke up with my ex. It’s definitely getting better, but today was a rough one. I deleted her number last month so I can’t text or call and that probably saved her and myself from another embarrassing “reach out” today 😂

I had occasion to scroll back through the photos on my phone this morning and saw a bunch of her and us and our kids together and it just GOT me. (I subsequently spent a couple of hours exporting almost 6k photos/videos off my phone and onto my PC so I wouldn’t accidentally see them...) In the meantime I was just goin’ through it all day today, in a low background kind of way that forced me to stay really busy or I was going to indulge the sh*te out of some self-pity. Now it’s the end of the day and I’m in bed just sitting with some powerful emotion. Thanks for letting me vent to you, anonymous friend.

I can see that over the past several months things are definitely getting better. I’ve been on several dates, I’ve continued to make healthy choices for myself and take actions to maintain/improve a rich, full life for my kids & myself. I still think about my ex every day but most days it’s a quick memory and sometimes even a little smile for the good times. That’s it, I just stay engaged in what I’m doing at the moment and let it go. But sometimes my heart has a way of hijacking my train of thought and running that sucker off the rails...today was that train wreck kind of day, heh.

I'm sorry, Skeptic76. Let time heal your old wounds someday. It's a process and what you're experiencing is perfectly normal.

Whenever I remember past relationships (past friendships / cousin ships / friends & / or family relationships), I always use this trick in order to reel myself back into a reality check:

I remember certain situations which led to disagreements and arguments in the first place. I remember when certain people couldn't handle it and the only way they could deal with it was to explode in fury as opposed to being reasonable and calm at the time. With some people, you can never "rock the boat or make waves" no matter what the subject was, never complain, never speak up and only discuss the weather if you know what is good for you. There's definite lack of "Emotional Intelligence" (google those words) and you have to treat them less than acquaintances otherwise your head will get sent to the chopping block should dare otherwise. Also, know you will be "gaslighted." Google "gaslighting." What I'm trying to tell you is, often times you need to focus and concentrate on the negative and bad memories in order to comfort yourself and know in your heart that the relationship went awry in the first place. You need to remember bad memories, what was said, what was written and their responses or reactions instead of feeling sentimental and nostalgic. It's time for a harsh reality check with certain people otherwise you'll never learn how it really was. Once you think the way I do, your pity pot days will be over, you will feel strong, tough and right. Know their very bad, dark side, their incurable character flaws and defects. Then your sugary, syrupy sweet memories will quickly vanish.

Another thing that helps me is whenever I feel sad, disappointed or have past regrets, I think outside myself. For example, on this cold winter's night, I brought a generous amount of homemade soup to my next door neighbor. Every year, around Christmas time, we've exchanged baked goods such as homemade cookies. This year, it was soup from me because it's healthier and her husband just had major, recent eye surgery. I felt better because I thought of someone else instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Last year, I visited local nursing homes just to allow the elderly chat. They're awfully lonely. Many of their friends have since passed away, their families never visit them and they've since been put out to pasture and rotting away. They told me heartwarming stories of their youth during the WW2 era and some stories about 'The Great Depression.' They came from all walks of life and it was fascinating to sit next to talking history books!

My close friends and I bring homemade food to the local abused children and young teens shelter once a month. Many of them have never tasted a home cooked meal in their life! They were so grateful. I felt better because it was rewarding and I realized other people didn't have advantages afforded to me. It's very humbling.

I've teamed up with my church brethren, caravanned and fed the homeless. Hundreds of people ate including children. I've volunteered at food banks and food drives.

There are so many people who need you. Help others. Then you will feel grateful and suddenly your problems feel so small and insignificant compared to their plight and life of destitution.

All of the above had helped me and I hope it will help you somehow.

Great post Cherylyn* - Volunteering certainly does wonders, for everyone involved*

No problem Skeptic*.

SNAFU yeh - Situation Normal. All F’d Up....

If only healing was linear (and quicker) but unfortunately, it’s not...Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it but I have no doubts you’ll get there*

I still think about my ex in parts of most days and it’s been over 2 years now...

But the pain has long ago subsided and I’ve come to realise that as long as I’m pushing on with my life and doing at least some good in the world then it’s ok*

This will be your first xmas/NY since DDay yeh?

Stay Strong. It gets easier, and this too shall pass*

Ever Forward

Carus*

But sometimes my heart has a way of hijacking my train of thought and running that sucker off the rails...today was that train wreck kind of day, heh.

Sorry for the tough day, buddy.

A normal part of healing, that non-linear journey that magically can reduce us grownups to adolescents, as others have said. I highlighted the above because—and this is just me—I like to remind myself that the thing that's actually hijacking your head during such moments is, well, your head. It's not as romantic, I know, but it's basic science since that thing we refer to as the "heart," in matters of romance, is in fact the beautiful, wildly complex organ between our ears that separates us from every other animal on the planet.

Anyhow, in remembering that I find I leech these moments of some mystery, rather than squirt some kerosene on the mystery fire. Your heart beats and pumps blood—and, no, you can't control it. Your head—well, you can exert some power there.

I have a simple mantra that I repeat when the spins spin: "It did not work." For everything we might miss about a person, so often what we are experiencing as "missing" is just the cold chamber of the void that invariably opens after a breakup. Where there was a person and possibilities, there is now blank space, and blank space is lonely, a thing we humans are hardwired to escape, to stuff voids in all sorts of ways. I find "It did not work" to be a pretty constructive void stuffer—better than booze or sex or the impulsive reach-out—because it is, well, likely the most honest fact of the matter.

The holidays are invariably rough. I recall two years ago, when I was two months out of something—something I knew in 90 percent of my head needed to be over but that pesky 10 percent was still eager to flex its influence. I rode it out, came to ENA for some tempering of that 10 percent, and kind of look back at that stretch as a critical juncture in healing: the one where I opted to drink water, you could say, instead of pounding whiskey. You've got this—and, by the sounds of it, are already doing everything you should be doing, so just some words of encouragement to you as you stay the course.

In the end, you'll just have to realize she wasn't that great. Thank goodness it's over and you can now move forwards with your life. I haven't been very successful lamenting failed relationships but I do think about the good times off and on. It's all very human and good to reflect. Onwards and forwards.

All I can say is: THANK YOU!

Every last reply is so thoughtful. I’m not sure I will ever view leaving her as anything other than an impulsive mistake however I am absolutely 100% positive I can learn to live with my actions in a comfortable way and use them to fuel growth and compassion for myself and others.

And in the end does it really matter why? The truth is “it didn’t work” and all I can do is accept and move forward from here.

I too focus on service work, though I limit it to men trying to recover from addiction issues as that’s where my own experience as a sober person tends to have to best “bang for my buck.”

You all rule, thanks for pick me up after a tough day yesterday.

Well, you're welcome.

I don't know you, of course, save some cursory sketching (hey, fellow SoCal person!). But it really doesn't seem "impulsive" to me. Could that be a self-criticism you're prone to, given your road to sobriety and analysis of your impulsivity? Just going to let that one linger.

Anyhow, I recall one snag in this relationship being about travel. You can break your brain to minimize that snag, but that's real stuff. I know myself, for instance, and if my itch to travel and explore can't be scratched inside a relationship—and shared with a partner—I will find myself in a relationship with a shelf life.

Good memory blue, and yeah the fact that she never went on a single trip with me in five years was laaaaame from my point of view. No wait, I take that back we did make one turn-around road trip to pick her kids up from their Dad in New Mexico. But it felt like an errand, not a vacation.

It’s difficult not to romanticize and put her back on her pedestal when I’m lonely and thinking about all the good stuff - but that’s what great about enotalone haha....

Good memory blue, and yeah the fact that she never went on a single trip with me in five years was laaaaame from my point of view. No wait, I take that back we did make one turn-around road trip to pick her kids up from their Dad in New Mexico. But it felt like an errand, not a vacation.

 

It’s difficult not to romanticize and put her back on her pedestal when I’m lonely and thinking about all the good stuff - but that’s what great about enotalone haha....

She wasn't that great.

Any travel plans for yourself in 2020?

Good memory blue, and yeah the fact that she never went on a single trip with me in five years was laaaaame from my point of view. No wait, I take that back we did make one turn-around road trip to pick her kids up from their Dad in New Mexico. But it felt like an errand, not a vacation.

 

It’s difficult not to romanticize and put her back on her pedestal when I’m lonely and thinking about all the good stuff - but that’s what great about enotalone haha....

I think—and I mean this as compliment—that you are someone with a tendency toward romanticization, be it on a lonely day or otherwise. This is just you being you, the thing you want to share with someone not just in the wonderful land that is Southern California but on adventures far and wide.

She didn't have that in her.

I have been the "adventure engine" in some relationships, and it always led to my own gears scraping. Had to learn through those experiences to seek fellow searchers. Romanticize the lessons here, and live them.

She wasn't that great.

 

Any travel plans for yourself in 2020?

Starting the year off with a solo ski weekend in Park City, Utah (which I planned *for myself* while we were together lol!)

My kids and I always do a summer vacation but I don’t have that one figured out yet....

you are someone with a tendency toward romanticization, be it on a lonely day or otherwise.

you are spot on

Starting the year off with a solo ski weekend in Park City, Utah (which I planned *for myself* while we were together lol!)

 

My kids and I always do a summer vacation but I don’t have that one figured out yet....

That sounds fun. I'm not much into skiing and snowboarding but my ex was and so I have all the gear. I should do something with it though. I think I might have enjoyed it more if I started the sport earlier. I definitely miss being up in the mountains and the snow sometimes. And then the feeling goes away just as quickly.

Summer is too far away to plan and the kids I'm sure will always have ideas. :)

As a beach dweller I always appreciate the winter mountain wonderland too. I didn’t start snowboarding until my thirties and I’m not good at it, but I like to challenge myself and just “get away” from everything once in a while.

And besides, nobody needs any skills to enjoy the hot tub when it’s cold out, or hot chocolate with marshmallows by the fire! 😃

I agree. The quiet and the coolness up there along with the drive is cleansing and very peaceful. We have the Sea to Sky highway. My husband likes that stretch for mountaineering in the summers a lot more than I do. He gets lost up there in some of the trails. I prefer the interior BC and go south into the US to kayak. I used to drink hot chocolate. More a fan of teas and coffee these days. We have short winters in BC so it'll be spring before we know it. Hope you enjoy the ski trip! Solo trips are fantastic. I always love those - feels so freeing and good to recharge.