Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 44

Thread: Girlfriend Wants a Ring but

  1. #1
    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    34
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Male

    Girlfriend Wants a Ring but

    I dont feel enough career or financially stability to get married.

    My (30F) partner wants to marry me (33M) so much so just tonight she asked if Id feel emasculated if she proposed to me! I know weddings can be inexpensive and shes already sent me the (modestly-priced) ring she wants, its just that she also wants kids right away which are super expensive.

    After two years of dating I have no doubts shes the one for me and clearly its mutual, Im just concerned about our financial outlook. I grew up lower-middle class and I know what a strain finances can be on a marriage. Although my parents are still married, there were definitely some money-related rough patches.

    As an aside, shes aware of my financial situation and is still keen on marrying meso why arent I jumping for joy and putting a ring on it?

    Cheers,

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,979
    Gender
    Male
    Are you sure your nerves are totally finance-oriented? I ask because it sounds like your girlfriend is putting some real pressure on you: sending you the ring she wants, charting out the procreation timeline, and now essentially asking if you'll say yes and still feel like a man if she pops the question. All that sounds less like a conversation with two distinct voices about future goals than one voice asserting an agenda and another feeling a bit unheard.

    Marriage is a huge decision, and one best made by two people, in tandem, than by one person steering the wheel while the other sweats riding shotgun. If you have some clear goals financially that you need to shoot down before being marriedwell, can you not articulate that to her? Do you want to have a kid or two in the next year or two, or do you want more time? Do you feel confident in both of your individual paths, financially, in terms of imagining how things look two years, twelve years down the line? Those are important questions to have answers to.

    You're allowed to have thoughts, feelings, and ideas about this that differ than hers, and together you guys can talk those out to come up with a plan together. At least in my experience that's what quells nerves far more than dollars. They help, of course, but I'm just getting the feeling that your jitters may be stemming from the way you two are taking these steps.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,178
    Gender
    Female
    Dont marry anyone until you feel you are ready. You should never marry anyone just to shut them up from asking you to get married. You dont seem ready. Perhaps her biological clock is ticking loudly.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    The emerald city
    Posts
    1,137
    Gender
    Male
    If you are not absolutely sure, don't. But maybe tell her that you need to get X, Y & Z done and then you'll be in a better place to to talk about marriage.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    53
    Posts
    37,300
    Gender
    Female
    I dont know. We made it. We got engaged at 21 ( him ) and me (23). We got married at 24 and 27 and had our son at 27 and 30. We have had hard times financial and otherwise but we are still married and happy and much more prosperous many years later.

  7. #6
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    339
    Gender
    Male
    If this is purely about finances, then just make it clear to her the limits of your financial capabilities, so that she knows what she is getting herself into. i.e. She knows that you will probably have to live frugally in order to support a child, no expensive foreign trips and luxury cars/bags. If she is fine with that, and you truly love each other, then man up and put a ring on it! You can work hard to make more money in the future, you can support each other through financial hardship, but her biological clock really is ticking. The older she gets, the greater the risks of infertility and health issues for mother and baby.

    If however, your hesitation about finances is really smoke screen for something else, then be honest with yourself and her. Man up and break up with her to give her the chance to move on and be with somebody who is sure about wanting to spend the rest of their life with her. It would be very cruel and irresponsible to waste her time if you are unsure in that regard.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,801
    Never be pressured into forcing yourself to marry unless you are ready mentally and financially. Put your foot down. Stand your ground.

    Make sure your vision is the same as hers regarding marriage and children.

    If she continues pestering you to get married and have kids, either go along with and end up miserable or be sensible and practical.

    Have an in depth discussion with her so she understands your stance. If she refuses to comprehend these issues, then you are the one who needs to determine whether or not you wish to continue having her as your partner.

    "Love don't pay the rent."

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,696
    You mention your financial status and that she is aware of it , but you never mentioned hers? What is her status?

    If she is that traditional to expect you to buy the ring , then she should be traditional enough to let you propose.
    If she is going to propose let her present the ring lol

    It sounds like she has time line goals that purely involve marriage and babies. Without caring about the expense.
    Have you discussed with her having a registry marriage? No party if finances are tight? And have you discussed her going back to work soon after having a baby to assist with finances or is she expecting you to be the sole bread winner?

    These are all legit things to discuss.
    If your only reason for holding back is finances , then consult a financial planner.
    If you dont want to do that , then I would assume finances are just an excuse for being unsure if she really is right for you?

    So , which is it?

    Its not fair to keep dating her if you cant commit to a reasonable timeline.
    Its also not fair for her to put undue pressure on you.

    If you cant communicate with each other sensibly and reasonably on this , then you shouldnt get married and go seperate way?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,618
    Gender
    Female
    What would be an ideal timeline for you? While asking for a couple of years before you have kids (and sticking to your promise) may be ok, asking for an unspecified amount of time, until you feel financially stable, sounds like a risky life choice for the other person. What if 5 years pass and you still feel the same way? Relationships that are put on hold like that for long often stagnate and die.

    If you really feel that she is the one for you, then you need to negotiate a future that both of you can feel ok with. You sound uncomfortable with the timeline. Imo, you need to discuss with her the concerns in your post and negotiate a specific timeline that you both feel comfortable with.

    She needs to respect your concerns and you need to get specific about the timeline. In the current financial climate, for many people there is no ideal time financially, yet people continue to get married anyway. It's no good if you feel pressured but it's also no good to drag this relationship on without counter proposing a clear timeline.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Goodfellas's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    34
    Posts
    528
    Gender
    Male
    Thank you all for your replies. To answer a common theme: finances are not a coverup for a larger issue. I am 100% certain were right for each other and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

    I told her last month I want to live with her first to see if the compatibility still exists and she agreed. So were looking for places to move in together but she still sends these not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be engaged by end of 2021 and a child by 2024. Every time she does I remind her Id like to be roommates first, then have the talk with her dad then Ill do it and she backs offtemporarily.

    Im all in with this girl but my middle class upbringing coupled with recent developments from my brother (42 with a wife and two kids) are spooking me. He recently borrowed $50k from my parents to cover his own mistakes, catch up on car payments and mortgage and honestly I never want to do that to my partner.

Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •