Jump to content

Girlfriend Wants a Ring but…


Goodfellas

Recommended Posts

…I don’t feel enough career or financially stability to get married.

 

My (30F) partner wants to marry me (33M) so much so just tonight she asked if I’d feel emasculated if she proposed to me! I know weddings can be inexpensive and she’s already sent me the (modestly-priced) ring she wants, it’s just that she also wants kids right away which are super expensive.

 

After two years of dating I have no doubts she’s the one for me and clearly it’s mutual, I’m just concerned about our financial outlook. I grew up lower-middle class and I know what a strain finances can be on a marriage. Although my parents are still married, there were definitely some money-related rough patches.

 

As an aside, she’s aware of my financial situation and is still keen on marrying me—so why aren’t I jumping for joy and putting a ring on it?

 

Cheers,

Link to comment

Are you sure your nerves are totally finance-oriented? I ask because it sounds like your girlfriend is putting some real pressure on you: sending you the ring she wants, charting out the procreation timeline, and now essentially asking if you'll say yes and still feel like a man if she pops the question. All that sounds less like a conversation with two distinct voices about future goals than one voice asserting an agenda and another feeling a bit unheard.

 

Marriage is a huge decision, and one best made by two people, in tandem, than by one person steering the wheel while the other sweats riding shotgun. If you have some clear goals financially that you need to shoot down before being married—well, can you not articulate that to her? Do you want to have a kid or two in the next year or two, or do you want more time? Do you feel confident in both of your individual paths, financially, in terms of imagining how things look two years, twelve years down the line? Those are important questions to have answers to.

 

You're allowed to have thoughts, feelings, and ideas about this that differ than hers, and together you guys can talk those out to come up with a plan together. At least in my experience that's what quells nerves far more than dollars. They help, of course, but I'm just getting the feeling that your jitters may be stemming from the way you two are taking these steps.

Link to comment

If this is purely about finances, then just make it clear to her the limits of your financial capabilities, so that she knows what she is getting herself into. i.e. She knows that you will probably have to live frugally in order to support a child, no expensive foreign trips and luxury cars/bags. If she is fine with that, and you truly love each other, then man up and put a ring on it! You can work hard to make more money in the future, you can support each other through financial hardship, but her biological clock really is ticking. The older she gets, the greater the risks of infertility and health issues for mother and baby.

 

If however, your hesitation about finances is really smoke screen for something else, then be honest with yourself and her. Man up and break up with her to give her the chance to move on and be with somebody who is sure about wanting to spend the rest of their life with her. It would be very cruel and irresponsible to waste her time if you are unsure in that regard.

Link to comment

Never be pressured into forcing yourself to marry unless you are ready mentally and financially. Put your foot down. Stand your ground.

 

Make sure your vision is the same as hers regarding marriage and children.

 

If she continues pestering you to get married and have kids, either go along with and end up miserable or be sensible and practical.

 

Have an in depth discussion with her so she understands your stance. If she refuses to comprehend these issues, then you are the one who needs to determine whether or not you wish to continue having her as your partner.

 

"Love don't pay the rent." :upset:

Link to comment

You mention your financial status and that she is aware of it , but you never mentioned hers? What is her status?

 

If she is that traditional to expect you to buy the ring , then she should be traditional enough to let you propose.

If she is going to propose let her present the ring lol

 

It sounds like she has time line goals that purely involve marriage and babies. Without caring about the expense.

Have you discussed with her having a registry marriage? No party if finances are tight? And have you discussed her going back to work soon after having a baby to assist with finances or is she expecting you to be the sole bread winner?

 

These are all legit things to discuss.

If your only reason for holding back is finances , then consult a financial planner.

If you don’t want to do that , then I would assume finances are just an excuse for being unsure if she really is right for you?

 

So , which is it?

 

It’s not fair to keep dating her if you can’t commit to a reasonable timeline.

It’s also not fair for her to put undue pressure on you.

 

If you can’t communicate with each other sensibly and reasonably on this , then you shouldn’t get married and go seperate way?

Link to comment

What would be an ideal timeline for you? While asking for a couple of years before you have kids (and sticking to your promise) may be ok, asking for an unspecified amount of time, until you feel financially stable, sounds like a risky life choice for the other person. What if 5 years pass and you still feel the same way? Relationships that are put on hold like that for long often stagnate and die.

 

If you really feel that she is the one for you, then you need to negotiate a future that both of you can feel ok with. You sound uncomfortable with the timeline. Imo, you need to discuss with her the concerns in your post and negotiate a specific timeline that you both feel comfortable with.

 

She needs to respect your concerns and you need to get specific about the timeline. In the current financial climate, for many people there is no ideal time financially, yet people continue to get married anyway. It's no good if you feel pressured but it's also no good to drag this relationship on without counter proposing a clear timeline.

Link to comment

Thank you all for your replies. To answer a common theme: finances are not a coverup for a larger issue. I am 100% certain we’re right for each other and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

I told her last month I want to live with her first to see if the compatibility still exists and she agreed. So we’re looking for places to move in together but she still sends these not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be engaged by end of 2021 and a child by 2024. Every time she does I remind her I’d like to be roommates first, then “have the talk” with her dad then I’ll do it and she backs off…temporarily.

 

I’m all in with this girl but my middle class upbringing coupled with recent developments from my brother (42 with a wife and two kids) are spooking me. He recently borrowed $50k from my parents to cover his own mistakes, catch up on car payments and mortgage and honestly I never want to do that to my partner.

Link to comment

I can understand her push to get things going, with the good ole body clock ticking and all, so fair enough on that. But to push for the idea of her asking you, but still demand an engagement ring?

 

Don't be forced into anything you are not ready for, especially marriage and children. With the current marital climate in the US, once you sign on the dotted line, you are far more at risk of losing everything should it all fall apart. And even though it might feel like she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, that can all change. And, while half of all marriages work, half of them do not, and there are a men out there who are now stuck paying more than they earn to keep their ex wives in capacinos and handbags, and their kids in high levels schools, all while being dragged through the mud, or thrown in prison.

 

So, if you are not sure, and in your mind, you cannot put a timeframe on it, then you might have to consider letting her go to allow her to find someone that is willing to give her what she wants.

This is not a negative point about you at all. It is okay not to want to get married. It does not make you scared of commitment. If you are not ready, you are not ready. And if she cannot deal with that, then I'm sure she can happily deal with life without you.

Link to comment

Then I suppose you'll just have to keep asserting your parameters, which seem very wise, while accepting that the person you are 100 percent certain you want to be with is a person who will assert hers, often passive-aggressively. Partnership is about accepting who our partner is, and working with it.

 

Does she still live with her parents? Perhaps in moving in you'll find that some of this stuff burns off, or levels out, as I can't help but think she is coming to things from a much different position as you. That's a great situation she's got, being able to live at home while saving, but it's also a position in which much of the nitty-gritty of being an adult has remained abstract.

 

I'd imagine that, combined with her own values and wants, makes her a bit thirsty to "graduate" to the next phase of life, but mentally she's able to kind of fast track straight to marriage and kids because she hasn't had to navigate some of the more prosaic matters that go into the business of living. It is a bit naive, to be frank, but her lack of adult experience is, of course, her only experience. It informs her, much as your own experience in life informs you.

 

Perhaps as you two take on the day-to-day business of living together you'll find she becomes less focused on the answers of where she'll be in 2022 and 2024 and more interested in the process of getting there together, assuming that you are roughly in agreement with her timeline if you two prove compatible on the cohabitation front. And you, of course, will be able to more clearly imagine being married to her because you will get to observe one thing that you have yet to be able to really observe over the past two years, which is how she lives as an adult "out of the nest" as opposed to one sketching out a blueprint of adulthood from inside the nest.

Link to comment

If her clock is ticking, you could lose her with all this side-stepping. Eventually she will recognize stalling and if marriage/kids are her goals she may go find that without you. No it's not about socioeconomic status and you both know this.

I want to live with her first to see if the compatibility still exists and she agreed. So we’re looking for places to move in together but she still sends these not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be engaged by end of 2021 and a child by 2024. Every time she does I remind her I’d like to be roommates first, then “have the talk” with her dad then I’ll do it and she backs off…temporarily.
Link to comment

You don’t have to be above middle class to marry or have kids. We did it with early Canadian box. We got married with literally zip. Our son never wanted for anything and is considered pretty spoiled by most people. All you need is a dedication to work and family.

 

Women can’t have babies forever.

Link to comment

Her timeline sounds realistic and she needs it. Life doesn't stop moving just because you don't feel happy financially. On that note, there is never a perfect moment in life where everything is stable, where you have enough money and no problems and you can start and keep a marriage in that kind of an ideal situation. It doesn't exist and it's not the point of marriage. Marriage is about a partnership and facing and working out challenges together as a team, emphasis added on team. No married couple makes it through life without facing all kinds of challenges. That's why it's so important to choose wisely and to choose a partner who is capable to weathering those storms.

 

I don't know if it's her, your unrealistic idealistic ideas, fear of failure, or baggage you adopted from your parents, but it doesn't sound like you are ready to be married. You need to recalibrate your thinking and stop expecting life to be perfect at some point....you'll be 80 and still waiting.

Link to comment

If that was an unhappy past why make it your future? If she is materialistic or otherwise not compatible, perhaps examine that. If she is ok with a simple ring/wedding/honeymoon, then look into that. What are her finances like? What kind of family does she come from?

I grew up lower-middle class and I know what a strain finances can be on a marriage. Although my parents are still married, there were definitely some money-related rough patches.
Link to comment

One more point to add is you need to sort yourself out asap. If you are not ready, then tell her and break up and don't even bother with moving in together. Yes, set her free so she can find a guy who wants what she wants and is ready. You are both no longer early 20's where she can afford to waste a couple of years waiting on you " to grow up".

 

Do not string her along with the whole, we need to live together, then I need to make this much money, then I need to get that promotion, then I want to buy a house first, then..ooops...my parents are sick and need care.....because deep down I'm not ready, not sure, terrified of failure, etc. Basically, s... or get off the pot dude. You are both in your 30's - too old to play games like that.

Link to comment
One more point to add is you need to sort yourself out asap. If you are not ready, then tell her and break up and don't even bother with moving in together. Yes, set her free so she can find a guy who wants what she wants and is ready. You are both no longer early 20's where she can afford to waste a couple of years waiting on you " to grow up".

 

Do not string her along with the whole, we need to live together, then I need to make this much money, then I need to get that promotion, then I want to buy a house first, then..ooops...my parents are sick and need care.....because deep down I'm not ready, not sure, terrified of failure, etc. Basically, s... or get off the pot dude. You are both in your 30's - too old to play games like that.

 

I agree. Let her go if you are not ready. If her aim is to have kids she can’t waste time. There is no perfect time. This is a massive fallacy. Almost everybody weathers financial storms.

Link to comment
Thank you all for your replies. To answer a common theme: finances are not a coverup for a larger issue. I am 100% certain we’re right for each other and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

I told her last month I want to live with her first to see if the compatibility still exists and she agreed. So we’re looking for places to move in together but she still sends these not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be engaged by end of 2021 and a child by 2024. Every time she does I remind her I’d like to be roommates first, then “have the talk” with her dad then I’ll do it and she backs off…temporarily.

 

I’m all in with this girl but my middle class upbringing coupled with recent developments from my brother (42 with a wife and two kids) are spooking me. He recently borrowed $50k from my parents to cover his own mistakes, catch up on car payments and mortgage and honestly I never want to do that to my partner.

 

I don't buy that you're all in if you feel you have to test your "compatibility" by living together before getting engaged with a wedding date. I will tell you this - there's no way to test compatibility if you are planning on having a child. We didn't live together before marriage and less than 3 months after marriage we had our little boy. In a less than 600 square foot apartment (mine, he moved in -I rented). Living together before the baby would have given me no relevant information about sharing space with him and a newborn. It worked out just fine -it really really did. Just saying that there was no way to test that situation beforehand.

I think that's why she's concerned -she doesn't need to audition you. You do. That's an incompatibility. I am not opposed to couples living together before marriage -we spent many many nights in one of our places - I am concerned in your situation where it's a one-sided test - and know that she will be on her best behavior and/or walking on eggshells.

 

If you were totally sure you'd be willing to be engaged with a wedding date and compromise by doing the moving in together before the wedding, not before making a marital commitment.

 

Also being engaged by the end of 2021 is a long time away -that doesn't seem like pressure at all -and willing to wait another 3 years to have a baby after that? Does she want to start trying long before that?

 

As far as finances yes have the discussion and what is her financial situation? What does she bring to the table?

Link to comment
My wedding was very low key. It may have cost $4000 everything included, my ring , my dress , reception at my mom’s etc etc.

 

It is about the relationship NOT one day. You are still married wether you paid 2 cents or $60,000.

 

And mine was half that but not including the ring (which is awesome and has a long back story) or his wedding band which I bought for him. I loved my wedding so much and loved how we celebrated our wedding. We could have afforded a lavish wedding and I had no interest, he had slight interest, and he was happy too especially since I wore blue since we were having a boy.

Link to comment
And mine was half that but not including the ring (which is awesome and has a long back story) or his wedding band which I bought for him. I loved my wedding so much and loved how we celebrated our wedding. We could have afforded a lavish wedding and I had no interest, he had slight interest, and he was happy too especially since I wore blue since we were having a boy.

 

I had a cost outside that his engagement watch cost me $2000.

 

We paid a lot for our ages being in our 20’s and just finished university.

Link to comment

Women often want to get married and have kids. If you want to date women, it goes with the territory.

 

Also, usually women want to get married. Men want things to stay the same. But the women are right.

 

And two years is enough time to determine if you two should get married. You are just a typical man, dragging his feet. I understand.

 

The great thing is, if she is asking you to get married, she loves you a lot. The more they love you, the better the relationship is going to be.

 

So compromise and have only one child for now, and get a better job or start a business.

 

Women are expensive. You play, you pay!

Link to comment

Women are expensive. You play, you pay!

 

So offensive. And so untrue. Including in my case. I was financially independent for over ten years before I married, brought my financial assets/nest egg into the marriage. Was ready to use them were they needed while I was home full time (husband was delighted to be the sole provider had that been required -it wasn't). I insisted on contributing financially from my savings/income growth while I was home full time and I did. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...