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Thread: Girlfriend Wants a Ring but…

  1. #21
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My wedding was very low key. It may have cost $4000 everything included, my ring , my dress , reception at my mom’s etc etc.

    It is about the relationship NOT one day. You are still married wether you paid 2 cents or $60,000.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My wedding was very low key. It may have cost $4000 everything included, my ring , my dress , reception at my mom’s etc etc.

    It is about the relationship NOT one day. You are still married wether you paid 2 cents or $60,000.
    And mine was half that but not including the ring (which is awesome and has a long back story) or his wedding band which I bought for him. I loved my wedding so much and loved how we celebrated our wedding. We could have afforded a lavish wedding and I had no interest, he had slight interest, and he was happy too especially since I wore blue since we were having a boy.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    And mine was half that but not including the ring (which is awesome and has a long back story) or his wedding band which I bought for him. I loved my wedding so much and loved how we celebrated our wedding. We could have afforded a lavish wedding and I had no interest, he had slight interest, and he was happy too especially since I wore blue since we were having a boy.
    I had a cost outside that his engagement watch cost me $2000.

    We paid a lot for our ages being in our 20’s and just finished university.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Women often want to get married and have kids. If you want to date women, it goes with the territory.

    Also, usually women want to get married. Men want things to stay the same. But the women are right.

    And two years is enough time to determine if you two should get married. You are just a typical man, dragging his feet. I understand.

    The great thing is, if she is asking you to get married, she loves you a lot. The more they love you, the better the relationship is going to be.

    So compromise and have only one child for now, and get a better job or start a business.

    Women are expensive. You play, you pay!

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Women are expensive. You play, you pay!
    So offensive. And so untrue. Including in my case. I was financially independent for over ten years before I married, brought my financial assets/nest egg into the marriage. Was ready to use them were they needed while I was home full time (husband was delighted to be the sole provider had that been required -it wasn't). I insisted on contributing financially from my savings/income growth while I was home full time and I did. Wouldn't have it any other way.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So offensive. And so untrue. Including in my case. I was financially independent for over ten years before I married, brought my financial assets/nest egg into the marriage. Was ready to use them were they needed while I was home full time (husband was delighted to be the sole provider had that been required -it wasn't). I insisted on contributing financially from my savings/income growth while I was home full time and I did. Wouldn't have it any other way.
    Totally agree. Life is exactly as expensive as you choose to make it, best I can tell in 40 years of living it. No need for tropes that reduce men and women to sock puppets in a play from 1940.

    While I also agree with your earlier sentiment, Batya—about "all in" being at odds with the cohabitation compatibility "test"—I can understand the trepidation of Goodfellas. Goes back to what I wrote about in my last post, about how what she brings to the table is a bit abstract, since it sounds like she has not yet dealt with such matters as paying rent, bills, and so on. If I had a predisposition for wanting to understand the basic logistics of things—and I do—I would struggle with that x factor and can imagine how some time living together would settle the nerves, make the abstract more tangible. That said, he has chosen to keep investing in this dynamic, so to make something that has brought comfort (girlfriend living at home, squirreling away cash) a hurdle at this stage is not the most fair.

    In this case, I think the important thing is that he is dead honest with himself about whether he sees himself engaged to her in a year and starting a family on her timeline. If so? Great, walk that line together, as it is hardly a pressurized time frame. And if what he is really thinking is "I'm not going to be sure about any of this until we've lived together for 6 months"—well, I think it's best to be honest about that so they're not using talks about marriage and kids to avoid a more honest conversation about where they both are inside this relationship, at this point.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Totally agree. Life is exactly as expensive as you choose to make it, best I can tell in 40 years of living it. No need for tropes that reduce men and women to sock puppets in a play from 1940.

    While I also agree with your earlier sentiment, Batya—about "all in" being at odds with the cohabitation compatibility "test"—I can understand the trepidation of Goodfellas. Goes back to what I wrote about in my last post, about how what she brings to the table is a bit abstract, since it sounds like she has not yet dealt with such matters as paying rent, bills, and so on. If I had a predisposition for wanting to understand the basic logistics of things—and I do—I would struggle with that x factor and can imagine how some time living together would settle the nerves, make the abstract more tangible. That said, he has chosen to keep investing in this dynamic, so to make something that has brought comfort (girlfriend living at home, squirreling away cash) a hurdle at this stage is not the most fair.

    In this case, I think the important thing is that he is dead honest with himself about whether he sees himself engaged to her in a year and starting a family on her timeline. If so? Great, walk that line together, as it is hardly a pressurized time frame. And if what he is really thinking is "I'm not going to be sure about any of this until we've lived together for 6 months"—well, I think it's best to be honest about that so they're not using talks about marriage and kids to avoid a more honest conversation about where they both are inside this relationship, at this point.
    Oh that's fine -but he said he was 100% sure she was the one he wanted to marry. And his need to live together to "test" compatibility is inconsistent with that for the very reasons you share above. There are no guarantees of what you wrote before marriage and seeing the specifics of how she spends/saves, whether she buys Charmin or generic toilet paper and how long she is willing to store leftovers are all well and good but there are only a hundred things like that that happen regularly over time in a marriage -and he might have unrealistic expectations if he thinks his living together test will make the abstract more specific such that it will limit the daily work of being partners in a marriage, limit the unpredictable stuff.

    Like for me I never thought I'd be into buying generic products, that I'd be focused on saving $ in the form of not wasting food/toiletries/supplies (to an extent that is silly at times so I have to reign myself in), what I care about in particular about how our home looks or doesn't look, and how much more me time I need now that I'm a parent -and how much more draining social interaction is to me. I think these are all normal changes but it means that he wouldn't have seen those things had we lived together before marriage and before being parents. And if we'd gone into it with expectations of how it would be to live together while married I'm sure we would have had more stress and conflict as newlyweds.

    He doe s have to be dead honest with himself, I agree. And I think it would be a huge mistake if he promised her that after 6 months of living together he'd then be ready to get engaged or talk about it. He can't know that and to pretend he would is self-dishonesty. Certainly it's fine like she has a timeline to have his own "let's revisit this in 6 months with the goal of getting engaged within the next 6 months"

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well put.

    Much as I think it's important to try to "cover all bases" in such matters, I also think we have a pretty good sense in the gut about what we want, what we're feeling, what we're needing. Per another thread we were chitchatting in: it kind of comes down to a fundamental trust that you work well as a team, since life is going to change shape in all sorts of ways that can't be predicted, especially once children are involved. My impression is that Goodfellas remains uncertain about their teammate chemistry—and, perhaps, that his girlfriend is not thinking so much about being a team member as much as she's thinking about being a woman with a ring and the next 4 years of life locked down.

    With some patience and solid communication it all seems like small divides that can be bridged with grace—a much better forecast of how two people work as a team than their toilet paper preferences. Horse, then cart, or some such.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well put.

    Much as I think it's important to try to "cover all bases" in such matters, I also think we have a pretty good sense in the gut about what we want, what we're feeling, what we're needing. Per another thread we were chitchatting in: it kind of comes down to a fundamental trust that you work well as a team, since life is going to change shape in all sorts of ways that can't be predicted, especially once children are involved. My impression is that Goodfellas remains uncertain about their teammate chemistry—and, perhaps, that his girlfriend is not thinking so much about being a team member as much as she's thinking about being a woman with a ring and the next 4 years of life locked down.

    With some patience and solid communication it all seems like small divides that can be bridged with grace—a much better forecast of how two people work as a team than their toilet paper preferences. Horse, then cart, or some such.
    I really disagree with the cliche that just because a woman has and presents a timeline she's not invested for the right reasons. And certainly engagement marriage and trying to conceive are not guarantees of any kind of lockdown or planning for that time period - those kinds of plans are all fraught with good and bad surprises -especially trying to conceive. The timeline made me smile - because the timeline really is "when I want to start trying" (to conceive or adopt, do IVF, etc) not "when you have a child" -no guarantees. Ever.

    If he is uncertain about "teammate chemistry" then he is not 100% sure about marriage because without being reasonably sure about that aspect of marriage you're not sure about marriage.

    And I do think details matter in certain respects more than what people think -and I think on social media too many people post general abstract notions about "communication" and "patience" without respecting the nitty gritty. Certainly people can work out differences in toilet paper and brands of products, who does the shopping, other division of labor but certain things -practical things -dismissed as nitty gritty can matter a lot even with the best of communication. Like, how will holidays be celebrated and which holidays? Private or public or home schooling? How involved do they want the grandparents to be involved? What are the thoughts about travel and what kind of travel? How about relocating for jobs or academic reasons? Buying or renting? When? Etc. The boring and nitty gritty stuff can matter a lot.




    For example, I didn't know my husband wasn't community-oriented -meaning, we relocated and he certainly has work friends and is part of his work team - but he really doesn't care where he lives, he really doesn't care that much about being part of our community, meeting neighbors, being involved. I care more so - not a great deal -but more so - and in real life this means when we ran into someone I'd known for years as a dad at the playground my husband was polite when I introduced them but not overtly friendly and extremely soft spoken in his interactions which, outdoors, meant we could barely hear him. I was somewhat uncomfortable. He didn't need to love the guy but since we were all originally from the same city and since we were standing near him during a caroling activity outdoors for a good 15 minutes perhaps my husband could have extended himself more. And I know he is on the reserved and shy side in certain situations and yes, even after knowing him the better part of 20 years I had to remind myself -he's not motivated to know people in our community, he doesn't care about that kind of "networking" so being polite is his limit.

    An example. Of how despite good communication and patience had I known his take on relocating and becoming part of a community yes of course I would have married him but it would have been easier to deal with the real life ramifications of that.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You're such a great voice on these matters here.

    I really didn't mean to edge toward that cliche. I think her timeline is very sensible and I have only respect for people who know what they want, if I admit to bristling a bit at the mode of execution. Passive aggressive stuff has never sat well with me.

    All in all—and I'm sure he'll be back—I'm just kind of trying to figure out where Goodfellas is hesitating, to help him locate the wiring under the hood. Perhaps it's because so much of the nitty-gritty you've just outlined remains abstract? I'm imagining being in a position of proposing to someone who has never lived outside her parents home—and, honestly, it's difficult.

    There are simply a number of things about life that she has not had to worry about yet, which happen to be things that Goodfellas has spent the majority of his adult life, like many young people, worrying about and navigating. I wonder if he's feeling a bit "alone" on that front, as she's feeling a bit "alone" on the ring front, and if a few steps toward each other could help bridge the gap and pave the way, if that makes sense.

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