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Thread: Girlfriend Wants a Ring but…

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    I can understand her push to get things going, with the good ole body clock ticking and all, so fair enough on that. But to push for the idea of her asking you, but still demand an engagement ring?

    Don't be forced into anything you are not ready for, especially marriage and children. With the current marital climate in the US, once you sign on the dotted line, you are far more at risk of losing everything should it all fall apart. And even though it might feel like she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, that can all change. And, while half of all marriages work, half of them do not, and there are a men out there who are now stuck paying more than they earn to keep their ex wives in capacinos and handbags, and their kids in high levels schools, all while being dragged through the mud, or thrown in prison.

    So, if you are not sure, and in your mind, you cannot put a timeframe on it, then you might have to consider letting her go to allow her to find someone that is willing to give her what she wants.
    This is not a negative point about you at all. It is okay not to want to get married. It does not make you scared of commitment. If you are not ready, you are not ready. And if she cannot deal with that, then I'm sure she can happily deal with life without you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Then I suppose you'll just have to keep asserting your parameters, which seem very wise, while accepting that the person you are 100 percent certain you want to be with is a person who will assert hers, often passive-aggressively. Partnership is about accepting who our partner is, and working with it.

    Does she still live with her parents? Perhaps in moving in you'll find that some of this stuff burns off, or levels out, as I can't help but think she is coming to things from a much different position as you. That's a great situation she's got, being able to live at home while saving, but it's also a position in which much of the nitty-gritty of being an adult has remained abstract.

    I'd imagine that, combined with her own values and wants, makes her a bit thirsty to "graduate" to the next phase of life, but mentally she's able to kind of fast track straight to marriage and kids because she hasn't had to navigate some of the more prosaic matters that go into the business of living. It is a bit naive, to be frank, but her lack of adult experience is, of course, her only experience. It informs her, much as your own experience in life informs you.

    Perhaps as you two take on the day-to-day business of living together you'll find she becomes less focused on the answers of where she'll be in 2022 and 2024 and more interested in the process of getting there together, assuming that you are roughly in agreement with her timeline if you two prove compatible on the cohabitation front. And you, of course, will be able to more clearly imagine being married to her because you will get to observe one thing that you have yet to be able to really observe over the past two years, which is how she lives as an adult "out of the nest" as opposed to one sketching out a blueprint of adulthood from inside the nest.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    90% or more of North America is middle class or less.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If her clock is ticking, you could lose her with all this side-stepping. Eventually she will recognize stalling and if marriage/kids are her goals she may go find that without you. No it's not about socioeconomic status and you both know this.
    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    I want to live with her first to see if the compatibility still exists and she agreed. So we’re looking for places to move in together but she still sends these not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be engaged by end of 2021 and a child by 2024. Every time she does I remind her I’d like to be roommates first, then “have the talk” with her dad then I’ll do it and she backs off…temporarily.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You don’t have to be above middle class to marry or have kids. We did it with early Canadian box. We got married with literally zip. Our son never wanted for anything and is considered pretty spoiled by most people. All you need is a dedication to work and family.

    Women can’t have babies forever.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Her timeline sounds realistic and she needs it. Life doesn't stop moving just because you don't feel happy financially. On that note, there is never a perfect moment in life where everything is stable, where you have enough money and no problems and you can start and keep a marriage in that kind of an ideal situation. It doesn't exist and it's not the point of marriage. Marriage is about a partnership and facing and working out challenges together as a team, emphasis added on team. No married couple makes it through life without facing all kinds of challenges. That's why it's so important to choose wisely and to choose a partner who is capable to weathering those storms.

    I don't know if it's her, your unrealistic idealistic ideas, fear of failure, or baggage you adopted from your parents, but it doesn't sound like you are ready to be married. You need to recalibrate your thinking and stop expecting life to be perfect at some point....you'll be 80 and still waiting.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If that was an unhappy past why make it your future? If she is materialistic or otherwise not compatible, perhaps examine that. If she is ok with a simple ring/wedding/honeymoon, then look into that. What are her finances like? What kind of family does she come from?
    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    I grew up lower-middle class and I know what a strain finances can be on a marriage. Although my parents are still married, there were definitely some money-related rough patches.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    One more point to add is you need to sort yourself out asap. If you are not ready, then tell her and break up and don't even bother with moving in together. Yes, set her free so she can find a guy who wants what she wants and is ready. You are both no longer early 20's where she can afford to waste a couple of years waiting on you " to grow up".

    Do not string her along with the whole, we need to live together, then I need to make this much money, then I need to get that promotion, then I want to buy a house first, then..ooops...my parents are sick and need care.....because deep down I'm not ready, not sure, terrified of failure, etc. Basically, s... or get off the pot dude. You are both in your 30's - too old to play games like that.

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    One more point to add is you need to sort yourself out asap. If you are not ready, then tell her and break up and don't even bother with moving in together. Yes, set her free so she can find a guy who wants what she wants and is ready. You are both no longer early 20's where she can afford to waste a couple of years waiting on you " to grow up".

    Do not string her along with the whole, we need to live together, then I need to make this much money, then I need to get that promotion, then I want to buy a house first, then..ooops...my parents are sick and need care.....because deep down I'm not ready, not sure, terrified of failure, etc. Basically, s... or get off the pot dude. You are both in your 30's - too old to play games like that.
    I agree. Let her go if you are not ready. If her aim is to have kids she can’t waste time. There is no perfect time. This is a massive fallacy. Almost everybody weathers financial storms.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Goodfellas
    Thank you all for your replies. To answer a common theme: finances are not a coverup for a larger issue. I am 100% certain we’re right for each other and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

    I told her last month I want to live with her first to see if the compatibility still exists and she agreed. So we’re looking for places to move in together but she still sends these not-so-subtle hints about wanting to be engaged by end of 2021 and a child by 2024. Every time she does I remind her I’d like to be roommates first, then “have the talk” with her dad then I’ll do it and she backs off…temporarily.

    I’m all in with this girl but my middle class upbringing coupled with recent developments from my brother (42 with a wife and two kids) are spooking me. He recently borrowed $50k from my parents to cover his own mistakes, catch up on car payments and mortgage and honestly I never want to do that to my partner.
    I don't buy that you're all in if you feel you have to test your "compatibility" by living together before getting engaged with a wedding date. I will tell you this - there's no way to test compatibility if you are planning on having a child. We didn't live together before marriage and less than 3 months after marriage we had our little boy. In a less than 600 square foot apartment (mine, he moved in -I rented). Living together before the baby would have given me no relevant information about sharing space with him and a newborn. It worked out just fine -it really really did. Just saying that there was no way to test that situation beforehand.
    I think that's why she's concerned -she doesn't need to audition you. You do. That's an incompatibility. I am not opposed to couples living together before marriage -we spent many many nights in one of our places - I am concerned in your situation where it's a one-sided test - and know that she will be on her best behavior and/or walking on eggshells.

    If you were totally sure you'd be willing to be engaged with a wedding date and compromise by doing the moving in together before the wedding, not before making a marital commitment.

    Also being engaged by the end of 2021 is a long time away -that doesn't seem like pressure at all -and willing to wait another 3 years to have a baby after that? Does she want to start trying long before that?

    As far as finances yes have the discussion and what is her financial situation? What does she bring to the table?

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