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Thread: How to not feel bad in front of BF's beautiful friend?

  1. #1
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    How to not feel bad in front of BF's beautiful friend?

    To start with, I have a wonderful BF and we have been together for a year now. Everything is good, except, my insecurity peaks when I see this beautiful friend.

    BF has a group of long term friends, mostly guys but some are girls. They share lots of memories. This one girl I find really pretty and I feel really insecure around her. She has very different features than me. South American, tan, big round eyes and has this petite and cute figure I feel many guys will adore. I on the other hand have smaller eyes, and tall...

    I dont feel very confident when she is around. And when my insecurity creeps in, I wonder horrible things, like if my BF likes her, if the only reason he's her friend is she doesnt like him? I wonder if she liked him, he'd dump me in a heart beat? Objectively speaking, he never gives me a reason to doubt..and she is also a nice girl. But my feelings can make me doubt my BF's intention. He can throw compliments at me and I wouldn't believe them.


    I'm hoping to get some helpful insight on this. Im obviously not going to stop BF hanging out with this group of friends, so how can I shift my mindset on her? How can I feel confident even in front of her? Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think itís normal, here and there, to experience these feelings in relationships, especially during the first year when things are still fresh. The ways to deal with it, especially if you genuinely have no reason to be suspicious, is to kind of acknowledge them as a feeling that will pass. Learning that little skill, in ways, brings confidence because it takes away the mystery and power of someone your mind has assigned power to.

    That said, if these feelings are constant? Well, thatís more difficult. Ideally the more we get to know a personówho they are, who their friends are, how they handle themselves with their friends and in generalóthe more secure we get, not less. Personally I think of that as part of the big compatibility test. Itís kind of that fine line between being with someone who challenges your comfort zone in a constructive, exciting way without pulling you too far out of it.

    Iím curious: how much time does he spend with this person? Is it mainly in group environments, with you invited? Or do the two of them spend time together without you? Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to such matters, and itís important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

    Iím also curious if, generally speaking, you like this group of friends. Do you feel comfortable around them, or do they still feel, a year in, like ďhisĒ world more than a world that is now part of the world you two are building together.

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    Hello Bluecastle, so to answer your question,they probably hang out once a month/few months, frequency varies, depends on the group's availability. So it's always in a group, not one-on-one. I'm always invited.

    I'm comfortable enough around them, but I'm nowhere as close to them as my BF. After all they share some 7 years history.

    I think am mostly insecure because I think she is pretty. If there was a pretty coworker of his, I'd feel also insecure.

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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    they probably hang out once a month/few months, always in a group, not one-on-one. I'm always invited.

    they share some 7 years history.
    Not Bluecastle here, but a few more questions: -

    So, its like a reunion get together every now or then? Do the rest also bring their significant others?

    I'm not suggesting you should raise this with your BF and make it an issue when it doesn't have to be, but have you talked to him about it at all?

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    It's really just like how you would hang out with friends ever now and then, nothing special there. Yes partners come too if they are available. Pretty much all of them have partners and this girl also lives with her BF.

    I dont want to talk to my BF about this. It doesnt do anything except making me look petty and insecure and possibly jealous.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Donít bring it up to him. Not fair to burden him with concern for unfounded feelings. He sounds like a really good boyfriend and thereís no need to arouse any defensiveness or concern. And you definitely donít want things accidentally going down a ďitís me or herĒ road.

    As a man who used to be really insecure in his relationships I think just age and experience have been the most beneficial in releasing that toxic feeling. But it all began when I did exactly what youíre doing: acknowledging the insecurity as mine, deciding I donít want to live that way any more, and talking about it with another (uninvolved) person. In my experience you definitely can learn to let go of that emotion when it occasionally rears its head!

    ďThe good news is: If you can recognize illusion as illusion,
    it dissolves. The recognition of illusion is also its ending.
    Its survival depends on your mistaking it for reality. In the
    seeing of who you are not, the reality of who you are
    emerges by itself.Ē

    -- Eckhart Tolle

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Is this something you feel, more generally, around pretty women? Or a way youíve felt in past relationships? Iím trying to understand how much this is something you brought to the table, so to speak, vs something this relationship and specific woman is triggering.

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    There are some model looking girls I work with, and yes I'd feel insecure too if my BF got to know them. So I suppose that answered your question..

  10. #9
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    It's really just like how you would hang out with friends ever now and then, nothing special there. Yes partners come too if they are available. Pretty much all of them have partners and this girl also lives with her BF.

    I dont want to talk to my BF about this. It doesnt do anything except making me look petty and insecure and possibly jealous.
    Right, let me get this straight.

    1) Your BF sees this girl once every few months. Always as a group of friends, and you are always invited.
    2) They have known each other for years, but never been an item.
    3) The girl has a long term BF whom she lives with.
    4) He has never done anything to make you question his integrity.

    Given all the above, then yes, you are being insecure and jealous. And also very superficial, if I may add, because you seem to measure your value and that girl's value purely by physical beauty. Because you think that if your BF could have her instead, he would dump you in an instant, because nothing else matters. If that is true, then every relationship is doomed, because even the most gorgeous supermodel will age and lose their beauty, and every man will try to dump their partner for somebody younger every few years.

    It is possible that your BF's friend is more beautiful than you, but given your obvious insecurity, that might not even be true. Maybe, like me, he prefers tall girls over "cute and petite" ones. Maybe that girl is jealous of your long legs? Learn to appreciate what you have and work on being the best version of yourself. Work on yourself and everything else will fall into place.

  11. #10
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    There are some model looking girls I work with, and yes I'd feel insecure too if my BF got to know them. So I suppose that answered your question..
    I assume you believe that your BF is a catch. A high quality man who would apparently be attractive to those "model-looking girls", because you are afraid of him ever meeting them and possibly losing him to one of them?

    Flowing on from that logic, a high quality man chose to be with you. Therefore, you must be a high quality woman. Probably not far from "model-looking" yourself, if there were any difference at all. So stop selling yourself short and learn to love yourself.

    If this issue is really serious, consider getting therapy to work on your self-esteem and confidence. I suspect the problem is all in your head.

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