Jump to content

How to not feel bad in front of BF's beautiful friend?


ambereyes

Recommended Posts

To start with, I have a wonderful BF and we have been together for a year now. Everything is good, except, my insecurity peaks when I see this beautiful friend.

 

BF has a group of long term friends, mostly guys but some are girls. They share lots of memories. This one girl I find really pretty and I feel really insecure around her. She has very different features than me. South American, tan, big round eyes and has this petite and cute figure I feel many guys will adore. I on the other hand have smaller eyes, and tall...

 

I dont feel very confident when she is around. And when my insecurity creeps in, I wonder horrible things, like if my BF likes her, if the only reason he's her friend is she doesnt like him? I wonder if she liked him, he'd dump me in a heart beat? Objectively speaking, he never gives me a reason to doubt..and she is also a nice girl. But my feelings can make me doubt my BF's intention. He can throw compliments at me and I wouldn't believe them.

 

 

I'm hoping to get some helpful insight on this. Im obviously not going to stop BF hanging out with this group of friends, so how can I shift my mindset on her? How can I feel confident even in front of her? Thanks in advance!

Link to comment

I think it’s normal, here and there, to experience these feelings in relationships, especially during the first year when things are still fresh. The ways to deal with it, especially if you genuinely have no reason to be suspicious, is to kind of acknowledge them as a feeling that will pass. Learning that little skill, in ways, brings confidence because it takes away the mystery and power of someone your mind has assigned power to.

 

That said, if these feelings are constant? Well, that’s more difficult. Ideally the more we get to know a person—who they are, who their friends are, how they handle themselves with their friends and in general—the more secure we get, not less. Personally I think of that as part of the big compatibility test. It’s kind of that fine line between being with someone who challenges your comfort zone in a constructive, exciting way without pulling you too far out of it.

 

I’m curious: how much time does he spend with this person? Is it mainly in group environments, with you invited? Or do the two of them spend time together without you? Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to such matters, and it’s important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

 

I’m also curious if, generally speaking, you like this group of friends. Do you feel comfortable around them, or do they still feel, a year in, like “his” world more than a world that is now part of the world you two are building together.

Link to comment

Hello Bluecastle, so to answer your question,they probably hang out once a month/few months, frequency varies, depends on the group's availability. So it's always in a group, not one-on-one. I'm always invited.

 

I'm comfortable enough around them, but I'm nowhere as close to them as my BF. After all they share some 7 years history.

 

I think am mostly insecure because I think she is pretty. If there was a pretty coworker of his, I'd feel also insecure.

Link to comment
they probably hang out once a month/few months, always in a group, not one-on-one. I'm always invited.

 

they share some 7 years history.

 

Not Bluecastle here, but a few more questions: -

 

So, its like a reunion get together every now or then? Do the rest also bring their significant others?

 

I'm not suggesting you should raise this with your BF and make it an issue when it doesn't have to be, but have you talked to him about it at all?

Link to comment

It's really just like how you would hang out with friends ever now and then, nothing special there. Yes partners come too if they are available. Pretty much all of them have partners and this girl also lives with her BF.

 

I dont want to talk to my BF about this. It doesnt do anything except making me look petty and insecure and possibly jealous.

Link to comment

Don’t bring it up to him. Not fair to burden him with concern for unfounded feelings. He sounds like a really good boyfriend and there’s no need to arouse any defensiveness or concern. And you definitely don’t want things accidentally going down a “it’s me or her” road.

 

As a man who used to be really insecure in his relationships I think just age and experience have been the most beneficial in releasing that toxic feeling. But it all began when I did exactly what you’re doing: acknowledging the insecurity as mine, deciding I don’t want to live that way any more, and talking about it with another (uninvolved) person. In my experience you definitely can learn to let go of that emotion when it occasionally rears its head!

 

“The good news is: If you can recognize illusion as illusion,

it dissolves. The recognition of illusion is also its ending.

Its survival depends on your mistaking it for reality. In the

seeing of who you are not, the reality of who you are

emerges by itself.”

 

-- Eckhart Tolle

Link to comment
It's really just like how you would hang out with friends ever now and then, nothing special there. Yes partners come too if they are available. Pretty much all of them have partners and this girl also lives with her BF.

 

I dont want to talk to my BF about this. It doesnt do anything except making me look petty and insecure and possibly jealous.

 

Right, let me get this straight.

 

1) Your BF sees this girl once every few months. Always as a group of friends, and you are always invited.

2) They have known each other for years, but never been an item.

3) The girl has a long term BF whom she lives with.

4) He has never done anything to make you question his integrity.

 

Given all the above, then yes, you are being insecure and jealous. And also very superficial, if I may add, because you seem to measure your value and that girl's value purely by physical beauty. Because you think that if your BF could have her instead, he would dump you in an instant, because nothing else matters. If that is true, then every relationship is doomed, because even the most gorgeous supermodel will age and lose their beauty, and every man will try to dump their partner for somebody younger every few years.

 

It is possible that your BF's friend is more beautiful than you, but given your obvious insecurity, that might not even be true. Maybe, like me, he prefers tall girls over "cute and petite" ones. Maybe that girl is jealous of your long legs? Learn to appreciate what you have and work on being the best version of yourself. Work on yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Link to comment
There are some model looking girls I work with, and yes I'd feel insecure too if my BF got to know them. So I suppose that answered your question..

 

I assume you believe that your BF is a catch. A high quality man who would apparently be attractive to those "model-looking girls", because you are afraid of him ever meeting them and possibly losing him to one of them?

 

Flowing on from that logic, a high quality man chose to be with you. Therefore, you must be a high quality woman. Probably not far from "model-looking" yourself, if there were any difference at all. So stop selling yourself short and learn to love yourself.

 

If this issue is really serious, consider getting therapy to work on your self-esteem and confidence. I suspect the problem is all in your head.

Link to comment

 

I'm comfortable enough around them, but I'm nowhere as close to them as my BF. After all they share some 7 years history.

 

I think am mostly insecure because I think she is pretty. If there was a pretty coworker of his, I'd feel also insecure.

 

Are you pretty?

Does your bf think you are pretty?

 

That’s all that matters right?

 

He has known her for 7 years and in a group of friends.

 

Sounds to me that he prefers taller girls with amber eyes!

This girl might admire your longer legs etc!

 

She is nothing to be concerned about.

What is concerning that you also worry about if he had a pretty co worker!

Does that mean that if you got a new co worker who was male model material , you would consider dumping your bf if this other guy hit on you?

 

If people are going to cheat , they will. Regardless!

So don’t worry about other girls , unless he gives you reason to!?

Link to comment

You need to work on your insecurities or you are going to drive your boyfriend away. You either trust him or you don't. It's that simple.

If you can't trust your partner to stay faithful on his own and feel that it's on you to police who he associates with, you are going to have miserable relationships. If the guy has a roaming eye, then the answer is to drop him NOT try to control who he comes in contact with. You really need to reflect on what a healthy relationship looks like, because your current version of what trust should look like sounds flawed. No trust = no relationship.

Link to comment

I'm trying to think back when I was in the dating phase. (I've been happily married for years.)

 

When I was in my early 20s, I definitely did not belong on the cover of a magazine. I was very average-looking. However, I focused on my health, ate right, exercised a lot and took great care of myself. While doing all that, I also forged ahead with my career. I was the best that I could be and I couldn't care less about what any man thought. I never dated throughout my high school and college years while all the other girls did. I felt like an ugly duckling all my life. Then I said, "To heck with it. I'll simply concentrate on my own life." Well, gradually and eventually, one day, a funny thing happened. Suddenly, without any effort on my part, I was garnering attention from men. Whenever I attended any social gathering or workplace event, I was surrounded by men. They were incredibly attracted to my achievements and my fast track life. I also realized that they too were busy doing the same thing. Success attracts success. It was like bees to honey and I didn't even have to try. All my life I thought it would never happen and I suddenly had more suitors than I knew what to do with. I was asked out frequently. Sometimes I declined, I told them I was very busy which was the truth and I had the world by the tail.

 

Self confidence is awfully attractive. Never preoccupy yourself with another woman or what she has. Enrich your mind, go your own way with your life, build your own high self confidence and you will have that draw. Don't care about her. Head held high! I've also found that I feel super strong and tough whenever I'm in my routine workout groove. I keep it up without fail and feel invincible. Suddenly you could care less about others. Be into yourself and everyone else in the background becomes nothing but a blur. Change the way you think and you can do this by making yourself super healthy. Also, develop other interests of your own outside your BF. (Hobbies, sports, outings, friends, charitable good works, etc.) Never make your BF your whole life nor preoccupy yourself as only being part of a pair. Develop your own individualism and you will become a secure, happier person. You ought to try it!

Link to comment
It's really just like how you would hang out with friends ever now and then, nothing special there. Yes partners come too if they are available. Pretty much all of them have partners and this girl also lives with her BF.

 

For the love of god.

 

There is no problem here OP.

Link to comment

Great advice here.

 

I liked what Mirror said about your boyfriend being a quality dude—a catch—and how that logically means you, too, are a catch. Certainly something to consider and find some calm in, as it's likely the truth. Thing about leaning too hard into that for comfort, however, is that it makes your own confidence and worth connected to the idea that he has "chosen" you rather than self-generated in the way that Cherylyn described.

 

That you refer to the women that you work with as "model types," and already know that you'd feel insecure if somehow your boyfriend got to know them, does speak to me that you put a lot of emphasis on female value and power being connected to looks. That is inherently superficial—a nasty word, but taken literally it just means surface stuff. The surface only ever has so much pull, and the more interesting the person the less pull it has.

 

I would pinpoint that mode of thinking as generally problematic, something to work on. Perhaps, as Cherylyn suggested, one of the ways to work on it is to make sure you are developing your own core—the stuff past the surface—in a way that brings about a richer sense of self, and self-worth. Speaking for myself, that is what I find attractive in people generally, far more than looks. I'd be pretty bored and frustrated with anyone who was drawn to me solely or primarily because of how I look, so by extension I'd get bored and frustrated with someone who thought their looks were the main reason I was with them and not someone else.

 

There is a lot of truth to the notion that "likes seek likes," meaning people pair up—platonically and romantically—with people on their same level. Part of that is looks based. But it goes further than that, being core-based too. Do you get the impression that you boyfriend is very caught up in looks, be it others or his own? I have never been a particularly insecure person, but I've noticed that when I've dated people who are insecure about their own looks—who think about them a lot—it will kind of rub off on me. Those are relationships that tend to not last too long.

Link to comment

At some level you realize this has absolutely nothing to do with her and zero to do with your bf. This is about vanity and envy. It's about looking in the mirror and comparing yourself in a mirror-mirror fashion. There will always be more beautiful, more successful people than you. Something everyone gets used to

 

You can't fight off the whole world. Get of social media, stop watching reality tv. Stop being this superficial. Instead develop yourself as a person. Take some courses and classes, join some groups and clubs and volunteer. Become secure confident and interesting. Get some short term therapy to explore this envy and insecurity. Your bf could dump you for a plain woman, so stop obsessing about this woman..

I have a wonderful BF and we have been together for a year now. Everything is good, except, my insecurity peaks when I see this beautiful friend.
Link to comment

Just remind yourself that you are only washed over with these feelings because the feelings for your b/friend are so invested ......but remember , the rest of the world are not !

 

It is like when we meet someone and are convinced every man/woman will want them , that they are so damn good looking how could anyone resist .....and the truth is no one else really cares .

 

He doesn't care what she looks like , if he did he would have made a move many moons ago and she clearly isn't struck by him either .... we are a strange bunch us humans ....the minute we become invested we think everyone else is as well .

 

You need to learn some mind control , because once you allow this kind of narrative to own your thoughts it will follow you around for life and will get more extreme with every experience .

 

Remind yourself you are beautiful and you are worthy ..because you are .

Link to comment

When seen through the rose-colored glasses of love, when a man loves a woman, he sees her as the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

In talking about relationships, people often forget about the biggest power in the land - love. People work jobs they hate and fight wars to protect their families, husbands, and wives.

 

I may be a realist and give hard advice from time to time, but I am also a hopeless romantic!

Link to comment

How sad for you, that you just can't enjoy your time with a guy who has chosen you over and over for the last year, and enjoy time with a group of friends, without playing an alternate movie in your head full of stressful, upsetting illusions.

 

If the relationship ends, it won't be because of anything accept that he can't enjoy the company of a woman whose face and body language exudes worry, jealousy, and unfound fears, instead of a woman who is having the time of her life with her bf and buddies.

 

What is a person with a healthy self-esteems mindset? "I'm a treasure, and if a guy doesn't treat me like one, he's out of here." Your mindset is: Since the treasure wasn't available to him, he picked up a penny but dreams all day long of that treasure that's just out of reach.

 

Start reading books and articles on how to boost your self esteem to learn the skills of positive self-talk. If that doesn't work, attend therapy sessions so that you can fully enjoy your one precious life on this planet. Do volunteer work for those in need and wake up to what real problems are, and you'll probably be embarrassed at how piddly your perceived problems are compared to the hefty struggles others are facing.

Link to comment

Just give it time. A lot of people won't admit to those insecurities but I think it's normal. You've only been one year together. This is barely a blink of an eye. Assert more control over your thoughts and your impulses. Don't blurt things out that are hurtful or cause you to cycle through periods of intense fear and self-loathing or jealousy. Put a cork in it (those anxious and jealous thoughts) and re-train your mind to be still and observe more. Your brain will slowly recondition itself. You won't have to lift a finger. Stay positive and believe in yourself and your relationship. This isn't the end of the world. If you enjoy his company, keep enjoying his company.

 

Keep in mind, many relationships don't work out for whatever reasons over time. Don't use this as a scapegoat if you have other issues you don't like about your bf. I'm sensing that you may have different levels of comfort socially amongst your peers or view your friends differently. Maybe he has a larger circle of friends or more variety in his friendships. He may be more extroverted than you or bubbly. He may come from a different background and speaks other languages that you don't have access to. The longstanding friendships might be making you insecure also, not just the gender or the fact that she's a pretty female. Life is short. Really short. If it doesn't work out with him, let him go. Not worth it, chica. You do you.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I have a few female friends that are drop dead gorgeous but I never felt inferior around them because we bonded as friends first rather than "competition" (back when I had a boyfriend). If I didn't trust those female friends I wouldn't be friends with them to begin with. Maybe try to get to know her first.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...