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Thread: How to not feel bad in front of BF's beautiful friend?

  1. #11
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    Where does this insecurity with your own looks stem from, OP?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes

    I'm comfortable enough around them, but I'm nowhere as close to them as my BF. After all they share some 7 years history.

    I think am mostly insecure because I think she is pretty. If there was a pretty coworker of his, I'd feel also insecure.
    Are you pretty?
    Does your bf think you are pretty?

    That’s all that matters right?

    He has known her for 7 years and in a group of friends.

    Sounds to me that he prefers taller girls with amber eyes!
    This girl might admire your longer legs etc!

    She is nothing to be concerned about.
    What is concerning that you also worry about if he had a pretty co worker!
    Does that mean that if you got a new co worker who was male model material , you would consider dumping your bf if this other guy hit on you?

    If people are going to cheat , they will. Regardless!
    So don’t worry about other girls , unless he gives you reason to!?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You need to work on your insecurities or you are going to drive your boyfriend away. You either trust him or you don't. It's that simple.
    If you can't trust your partner to stay faithful on his own and feel that it's on you to police who he associates with, you are going to have miserable relationships. If the guy has a roaming eye, then the answer is to drop him NOT try to control who he comes in contact with. You really need to reflect on what a healthy relationship looks like, because your current version of what trust should look like sounds flawed. No trust = no relationship.

  4. #14
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    Yes OP, this is your problem not his. You need to work on your insecurities.

    I'm sure if they were attracted to one another then they would be together. It sounds like you are his type and not her so why feel this way?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm trying to think back when I was in the dating phase. (I've been happily married for years.)

    When I was in my early 20s, I definitely did not belong on the cover of a magazine. I was very average-looking. However, I focused on my health, ate right, exercised a lot and took great care of myself. While doing all that, I also forged ahead with my career. I was the best that I could be and I couldn't care less about what any man thought. I never dated throughout my high school and college years while all the other girls did. I felt like an ugly duckling all my life. Then I said, "To heck with it. I'll simply concentrate on my own life." Well, gradually and eventually, one day, a funny thing happened. Suddenly, without any effort on my part, I was garnering attention from men. Whenever I attended any social gathering or workplace event, I was surrounded by men. They were incredibly attracted to my achievements and my fast track life. I also realized that they too were busy doing the same thing. Success attracts success. It was like bees to honey and I didn't even have to try. All my life I thought it would never happen and I suddenly had more suitors than I knew what to do with. I was asked out frequently. Sometimes I declined, I told them I was very busy which was the truth and I had the world by the tail.

    Self confidence is awfully attractive. Never preoccupy yourself with another woman or what she has. Enrich your mind, go your own way with your life, build your own high self confidence and you will have that draw. Don't care about her. Head held high! I've also found that I feel super strong and tough whenever I'm in my routine workout groove. I keep it up without fail and feel invincible. Suddenly you could care less about others. Be into yourself and everyone else in the background becomes nothing but a blur. Change the way you think and you can do this by making yourself super healthy. Also, develop other interests of your own outside your BF. (Hobbies, sports, outings, friends, charitable good works, etc.) Never make your BF your whole life nor preoccupy yourself as only being part of a pair. Develop your own individualism and you will become a secure, happier person. You ought to try it!

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    It's really just like how you would hang out with friends ever now and then, nothing special there. Yes partners come too if they are available. Pretty much all of them have partners and this girl also lives with her BF.
    For the love of god.

    There is no problem here OP.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great advice here.

    I liked what Mirror said about your boyfriend being a quality dude—a catch—and how that logically means you, too, are a catch. Certainly something to consider and find some calm in, as it's likely the truth. Thing about leaning too hard into that for comfort, however, is that it makes your own confidence and worth connected to the idea that he has "chosen" you rather than self-generated in the way that Cherylyn described.

    That you refer to the women that you work with as "model types," and already know that you'd feel insecure if somehow your boyfriend got to know them, does speak to me that you put a lot of emphasis on female value and power being connected to looks. That is inherently superficial—a nasty word, but taken literally it just means surface stuff. The surface only ever has so much pull, and the more interesting the person the less pull it has.

    I would pinpoint that mode of thinking as generally problematic, something to work on. Perhaps, as Cherylyn suggested, one of the ways to work on it is to make sure you are developing your own core—the stuff past the surface—in a way that brings about a richer sense of self, and self-worth. Speaking for myself, that is what I find attractive in people generally, far more than looks. I'd be pretty bored and frustrated with anyone who was drawn to me solely or primarily because of how I look, so by extension I'd get bored and frustrated with someone who thought their looks were the main reason I was with them and not someone else.

    There is a lot of truth to the notion that "likes seek likes," meaning people pair up—platonically and romantically—with people on their same level. Part of that is looks based. But it goes further than that, being core-based too. Do you get the impression that you boyfriend is very caught up in looks, be it others or his own? I have never been a particularly insecure person, but I've noticed that when I've dated people who are insecure about their own looks—who think about them a lot—it will kind of rub off on me. Those are relationships that tend to not last too long.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    At some level you realize this has absolutely nothing to do with her and zero to do with your bf. This is about vanity and envy. It's about looking in the mirror and comparing yourself in a mirror-mirror fashion. There will always be more beautiful, more successful people than you. Something everyone gets used to

    You can't fight off the whole world. Get of social media, stop watching reality tv. Stop being this superficial. Instead develop yourself as a person. Take some courses and classes, join some groups and clubs and volunteer. Become secure confident and interesting. Get some short term therapy to explore this envy and insecurity. Your bf could dump you for a plain woman, so stop obsessing about this woman..
    Originally Posted by ambereyes
    I have a wonderful BF and we have been together for a year now. Everything is good, except, my insecurity peaks when I see this beautiful friend.

  10. #19
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    Just remind yourself that you are only washed over with these feelings because the feelings for your b/friend are so invested ......but remember , the rest of the world are not !

    It is like when we meet someone and are convinced every man/woman will want them , that they are so damn good looking how could anyone resist .....and the truth is no one else really cares .

    He doesn't care what she looks like , if he did he would have made a move many moons ago and she clearly isn't struck by him either .... we are a strange bunch us humans ....the minute we become invested we think everyone else is as well .

    You need to learn some mind control , because once you allow this kind of narrative to own your thoughts it will follow you around for life and will get more extreme with every experience .

    Remind yourself you are beautiful and you are worthy ..because you are .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    When seen through the rose-colored glasses of love, when a man loves a woman, he sees her as the most beautiful woman in the world.

    In talking about relationships, people often forget about the biggest power in the land - love. People work jobs they hate and fight wars to protect their families, husbands, and wives.

    I may be a realist and give hard advice from time to time, but I am also a hopeless romantic!

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