Overreacting or am I being inconsiderate?!

I have a reckless and sometimes do what I want mentality without realizing the consequences. This irks my boyfriend to no end and he’s told me repeatedly. I’ve tried to be more aware of it but sometimes it’s just annoying and I think he’s overreacting. He says that I only think about myself but he also doesn’t give me a chance to try to do something together or make plans. When he’s in a mood he blames it all on me and my lack of empathy. I admit that I could communicate more and not assume but I also don’t think it’s fair that he makes me feel like because of it. Can this be changed or is this something we have to accept in each other? It causes strain in our relationship And his retaliation is to just go out and do his own thing which I feel hurts it even more.

Can you provide some specific examples of what you do that he perceives as reckless? And what do he go and "do" in retaliation?

Examples please. This is far too general.

Along with specific examples, I wouldn’t mind known how old you both are and how long you’ve been together and dealing with this clash. With a bit more context it will be easier to offset some perspective and advice.

Along with specific examples, I wouldn’t mind known how old you both are and how long you’ve been together and dealing with this clash. With a bit more context it will be easier to offset some perspective and advice.

I agree with bluecastle. Awaiting your answers.

You two are just too far apart personality wise. He expects you to be a certain way, and you want to be yourself....it will never work between you two.

Without examples, it's hard to gauge.

But, if you're only thinking of yourself, and if you're only considering your own feelings or assume everyone around you wants the same things you want and don't ASK and don't consider their feelings, then yeah...you're the problem.

Can it be changed? Yes, it depends on if you want to change and to grow as a person and be a better version of yourself.

We live together and in our mid 30’s. Some examples include:

Me not apologizing for taking up both parking spots and him having to wait a few minutes for me to move. I didn’t know he was coming home. He says I never listen.

When he has 3 days off of work, I made plans for a few hours with a friend and planned on spending rest of time with him he says it’s not enough and I should have asked what we were doing first cause he’s rarely off. I even had surprised him with tickets to a game the next day and had to tell him early cause he was upset.

I took the dog out for an hour and he left saying he’s not my doormat and he’s not waiting around for me. It was early and I figured when I got back we’d do something. It’s a Sunday and he does watch the games. He says by taking dog out I cut into our time together cause he’ll be gone most of day. Again he didn’t give me a chance to suggest something. He says I assume too much.

I feel like I can’t do anything right. Is it me?!

I agree that examples are needed here. Too general.

Have other people ever told you that you are reckless, impulsive or inconsiderate? A brother or sister or friend?

If no one else finds you this way, then it’s either that he’s sensitive or you are incompatible. If you’ve heard this feedback before - maybe it’s worth considering that it’s you.

Please see respond below.

I’ve put examples below. He’ll just leave and say I’m gonna do me instead of asking if we have plans or seeing if I’ll suggest something.

Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating and how well do you really know each other? You're correct he should stop putting you down and trying to change you.

If you personally feel you have bad habits that interfere with your goals, happiness or relationships with friends, family or coworkers you can work on that in therapy.

However never let someone browbeat you this way. You need to end things with this guy. Never change for someone or be a doormat to make them stop being a jerk.

This irks my boyfriend to no end and he’s told me repeatedly.

 

He says that I only think about myself

 

he’s in a mood he blames it all on me and my lack of empathy.

 

his retaliation is to just go out and do his own thing which I feel hurts it even more.

I think he sounds like a jerk.

There's two sides to the story but based on your examples, he sounds controlling and manipulative. How long were you guys together before you moved in?

Why don't you two TALK to each other when days off are coming up so you both know what to expect and what you both want to do together?

Like,when you are getting up in the morning to walk the dog, the night before, let him know your plans and ask him if he had anything in mind that he wanted to do instead.

Communication before these things happen will go a long way to solve hurt feelings.

Is it his place? Why are you putting up with this? Did you have no other place to live? Read up on red flags for a potential abuser. Was there abuse drugs/heavy drinking in your home or past? Who cares what "he says"? What do you say about all this nonsense?

Can you move back home or to your place? Do you work? You need to speak alone and privately with trusted intelligent people and a therapist about what is happening. Ask trusted friends and family to help you extricate yourself from this nightmare.

We live together and in our mid 30’s.

He says I never listen.

he says it’s not enough and I should have asked

He says by taking dog out I cut into our time together

He says I assume too much.

I think you are both incompatible. You are just not senstivie to one another's needs and I don't mean in a nasty way. It's like you both want your own way but there's no middle ground. It would require change from both of you to make it work. Are you both willing to do that?

We live together and in our mid 30’s. Some examples include:

 

Me not apologizing for taking up both parking spots and him having to wait a few minutes for me to move. I didn’t know he was coming home. He says I never listen.

 

When he has 3 days off of work, I made plans for a few hours with a friend and planned on spending rest of time with him he says it’s not enough and I should have asked what we were doing first cause he’s rarely off. I even had surprised him with tickets to a game the next day and had to tell him early cause he was upset.

 

I took the dog out for an hour and he left saying he’s not my doormat and he’s not waiting around for me. It was early and I figured when I got back we’d do something. It’s a Sunday and he does watch the games. He says by taking dog out I cut into our time together cause he’ll be gone most of day. Again he didn’t give me a chance to suggest something. He says I assume too much.

 

I feel like I can’t do anything right. Is it me?!

To answer your examples:

1) Don't take up 2 parking spots. Be considerate. Don't have him wait a few minutes to move. Use common sense. Think how others feel. In my neck of the woods, if motorists deliberately take up 2 parking spaces, their cars will get deliberately keyed and dinged.

2) When he has 3 days off of work, sit down and talk about it with him in advance. Plan ahead together or agree that he has his time, you have your time with a friend and then there's an advance plan to do something together. Or, since you know it's rare for him to get that much time off, forgo meeting your friend on his time, have exclusive plans to do something together during those 3 days and get together with your friend on another day when he doesn't have 3 days off. And, many people don't like surprises such as tickets to go anywhere. Some people prefer to relax more instead of attending an event even if you meant well. You need to work with various personalities in this world. Whenever I have rare occasions for 3 luxurious days off, the last thing I want to do is rush on the road to go somewhere on a strict schedule. I prefer to remain local and do things around my house.

3) I think his complaint about taking the dog out for an hour is ridiculous. Dogs require exercise just like humans. I was a dog owner for 14 years and I or my husband took the dog out for her daily walks morning AND evening for approximately an hour or 45 minutes. Why don't you two have an agreement to take the dog out for a walk together? Exercise and fresh air will benefit the 3 of you. Or, have him take the dog out for a walk while you remain home and get something done or watch TV. There needs to be a compromise to support the life of a dog.

4) If you two squabble, quibble and argue over the above habitually, your relationship with him is not working. Both of you are in your mid-30s already and both of you need to communicate and express your feelings constantly. Or, for some people, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks;" some people are set in their ways. I wouldn't give up hope though. Work on your relationship, both of you need to be selfless, show respect and work on improving your relationship otherwise it's nothing but constant blips filled with fighting which spirals downward to an abyss. As a last resort, try professional couples therapy to sort out your problems and work on them to become compatible.

I've been married for a long time and both parties need to be in lockstep. Both parties need to be a team to make any partnership successful. Google the words: "Emotional Intelligence" (EQ). Both of you need to study the words "Emotional Intelligence" which is required in ALL relationships otherwise ALL relationships are doomed for failure.

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