Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Thread: my breakup - meeting my ex next weekend.

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    28

    my breakup - meeting my ex next weekend.

    My ex broke up with me nearly 2 months ago for unclear reasons - I've posted before. But basically, it was along the lines of:

    I waited for him in a coffee shop and got annoyed when he was 45 minutes late back from a run when I had paid to come and see him that weekend (we were LDR) so I sent him a moody text saying "don't you think this is mean?" He then broke up with me on the car journey home, called me selfish and blanked me for 5 days. Eventually he called me and said he had "overreacted" and that he had thought I was trying to change his life and it panicked him. I was confused and said that it hurt me because I was always supportive of his running (he does it for his mental health). The weekend before this we had a weekend away and he had happily on his own volition cancelled a session of running because he wanted to take me for dinner, and I had happily gone for a walk on my own the next day whilst he did marathon training. I never had a problem with his running - just at being left on my own in a coffee shop (in a service station) whilst he took pictures for instagram).

    After I said we could try again, there was a disagreement about Instagram and liking other women's pictures (which, again, he said on his own volition he didn't agree with). I basically asked why he did it, he hung up on me and didn't respond to me for over 24 hours (even though I sent an apology text and was distressed - my family member had just been diagnosed terminal and I was suffering with my mental health). When we eventually spoke he listed problems with the relationship (all coming from me apparently):

    1. How one time when he got a yeast infection I had "made him feel guilty" because, I panicked that he thought I had given him an STI. This is a really deeply sensitive point for me. When I was 18 I got raped by two men. Since then I have "felt dirty" and always worry that all my STIs checks will show an undetected STU from this. My ex knew from before we had sex about this worry. When he told me, I panicked a bit saying I felt disgusting. He said I was guilt tripping him and manipulating him into driving down to see me. What I had actually done is got upset on the phone, made a GP appointment for an STI check and told him I was sorry I was being overdramatic

    2. The above example of running.

    3. How there was a problem with how I said things. He said I was "clever with words" and knew that certain ways of saying things would upset him. Mainly, with the Instagram thing, he said he didn't like feelings of "lust". I mentioned to him over the phone, "I just find it confusing after all the things you said about lust". He said I was manipulating and twisting his words.

    4. How I guilt-tripped him from coming back to the hotel on our last night in his city when he was getting stoned with his brother by asking at 2am when he would be back. Even though we had been with his brother the night before, and with his family all day. He also said it was "weird" that I wanted him to come back so we could have sex.

    5. He said that I was taking up all his time and that he didn't see his friends unless he wanted a favour anymore.

    When I pointed out that he thought we were soulmates and all the nice (most) parts of the relationship, he said they didn't matter. HE was the one who had called me his soulmate, who said he would marry me, I was the first woman he had been in a relationship with since his teens (this is actually true and verified by his family), that he couldn't believe I existed, that I was the best thing to ever happen to him, that he'd drive four hours to just see me for 10 minutes. He's a socially awkward guy, a bit of a loner, I can't say him just saying these things if he didn't feel them.

    So he finished all this with saying he had hoped seeing me would help him change his mind, he hadn't expected to break up with me, but, it was the "right" thing to do. And then he dumped me, 4 days before my birthday and about a 4 hour train journey from where I lived. I was heartbroken, but accepted his decision and calmly left. I said I wanted to keep it amicable, but he was saying things like "I'll post you your stuff when you said me your address" (even though he had it).

    I didn't contact him for 1 month. In that time he contacted me three times with a change of tune - basically, about my stuff but with my pet name and hoping I was well/things weren't too stressful. He kept checking my social media, liking my pictures and watching my instagram stories during this time.

    I stupidly went on a first date this week and it was HORRENDOUS. Basically, the guy was pressuring for sex immediately, kissed me unexpectedly and called me frigid because I wouldn't go back to his.

    I have also experienced rubbish mental health since he left, panic attacks and PTSD symptoms (from previous abusive ex-boyfriend). So I was/am feeling very weak.

    On the way home i was reminiscing about me and my ex's first date. It was 14 hours of chatting about everything and anything over coffee, a walk and then he dropped me back at home. I felt butterflies the whole time. No sex stuff, no kissing - just niceness.

    So I stupidly text him after silence of one month. I replied to one of his texts saying my friend will collect my stuff and I hope he is okay... and then stupidly "I really miss you".

    He replied saying he can definitely bring my stuff to me this coming Saturday, that he hoped life wasn't too stressful, and he replied to the "I really miss you" with a heartbroken emoji.


    Am I being stupidly naive in thinking he may have had time to realize I wasn't the he made me out to be? Would any guy bother to delievr his ex's stuff or reply to "i miss you" texts, if he was done with her?

    Please be gentle with me I am at a very low point, and feel really alone.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,242
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by jeezrick
    Am I being stupidly naive in thinking he may have had time to realize I wasn't the he made me out to be? Would any guy bother to delievr his ex's stuff or reply to "i miss you" texts, if he was done with her?
    Sorry you're feeling low and confused.

    So, I'd ask different questions right now. For starters: Does his having a sudden change of perception about you change who he is, how he treated you, and how you felt with him? It just doesn't sounds like being with him was a very satisfying experience for you, minus some very early days where much of your connection was built around him sharing pain with you. After sharing it, he kind of started inflicting it, no? That seems to be the the bulk of you experience with him: feeling hurt.

    I'd take a moment to be really honest with yourself about what you were expressing when you sent him the "I miss you" text. You've already labeled that "stupid." While I'd encourage you to replace that with "human," I'd also encourage you to ask why you think it was stupid. Could it be that what you miss is an idea of him, or an idea of what you plus him could have been, more than the actual person who turned out to be pretty manipulative once you guys were together?

    Those, I think, would be the more important questions to ask right now rather than trying to "figure out" what his text meant. It's very easy to text someone "I miss you," especially when they've just texted the same to you. It feels good, in the moment, especially if you're feeling a bit lonesome. But it doesn't turn someone into good boyfriend material, and you have a lot of evidence that he does not make a very good boyfriend or that being his girlfriend did not make you feel especially good in your own skin.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,464
    Why? We have all advised you to move on from this guy. He does not respect or care for you and treats you terribly.

    You travel to him, pick up his stuff and he does not even have the decency to be available. On top of it, he insults you! I don't get it!

    What do you want from us, it is certainly not our advice.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,407
    I'm sure he misses you doing all the traveling, paying for hotel rooms (sometimes) and bringing him groceries.

    This guy is a user!

    I doubt you actually miss him, you just miss having someone.

    He'll take you back for sure, as long as you do all the things you did before. Until he decides to dump you again and make you take a 4 hour train ride home, sad and heartbroken.

    Honestly, having to do that once would be enough for me. I sure wouldn't be going back for Round 3.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,651
    Gender
    Female
    You go from one type of abusive relationship to another type of abusive relationship. There is no winning here. This guy is a jerk too just in different ways. You need time to not date or get into a relationship for awhile because you are getting into it for all the wrong reasons. Fill the void with things that are positive and healthy so you can develop as an happy independent individual. Clamoring to find a man to give you a life, makes for some real bad judgement calls. Be on your own, be single and learn to love yourself.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    16,956
    Gender
    Female
    I'd call his bluff by having a friend there when he returns your belongings. My guess is his well went dry, and he's looking for some action.

    Either way, you'll soon see where you stand, yet on the other hand you already have your answer...

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,464
    Have you sought counselling?

    OP, you need to stay single at least a year! You have a terrible picker. No dating.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 12-07-2019 at 06:52 PM.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    28
    I guess it's because I keep questioning - was it me? Was I demanding? Annoying? He told me he had to run around to build a life for us, and that even when he was sorting everything out, I was being selfish - maybe I was?

    A friend recently told me that the common denominator in all of this - is me and that all men aren't bad. My anxiety makes people feel on edge, I get that.

    I am always "a catch" when a man first meets me. I guess you would say I was classically attractive, well-educated and ambitious. But peel it all back and I am a mess of bad experiences - "black" moods which I spiral into for weeks on end, unable to even look at myself in the mirror because I am too scared. It makes me wonder whether my exes feel cheated when they see this side of me - kind of like, where did the attractive care-free woman go? And then they act accordingly. It doesn't make it right, but it does explain it. No one wants the mentally ill girlfriend who needs to be loved.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,464
    You know the answer to this. We have told you multiple times.

    What you are guilty of is picking lousy men. That's it!

    He has not morphed into a decent man. He still does not respect you and will continue to use you. You also allowed yourself to be a complete doormat in all of this.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    13,407
    Accepting all the blame gives you the excuse to keep going back for more mistreatment.

    The real question is, why do you want this for yourself?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •